BPD and closure question

[Confused528]

Is it a common symptom of the BPD to never give closure.   I honestly will never see her again... .I would rather poke myself in the eyes with a coat hanger but I think part of the reason I am so confused is that there has never been closure.  In every relationship I ever had there was closure when it ended.    I know this relationship was messed up and a dumb move on my part but when I felt she was smothering me I sent an email saying things had to end and gave my reasons.    I expected SOME response... .I would have loved to have a F U !... .something... .  but nothing.   No texts, no emails, nothing... .I don't know why but that wore on me.   Then about a month later I reached back out and we communicated again and things started going back to the way they were and then she vanished.    Again no clear cut closure.      Again she keeps reaching out... .I try and resist responding and when I do... she vanishes again.     None of this makes sense to me and I am starting to guess that there can never really be closure. 

[freemanstrut]

Lack of closure after a BPD relationship seems almost universal.  Either in explanation or in never knowing the whole story. It can be hard to stop asking "why?" and to stop trying to assemble a better picture of the other side.  It requires the epiphany that you will never know what guided their actions or what was going on in their head because they are intensely disordered and do not follow the rules of logic or empathy that we grasp innately.

[Leonis]

Honestly, there's no closure for sure.

The first time my ex and I broke up, I tried for closure, but we only did some idle chitchats and ended it with making out.

The second time we broke up, it took well over a month and half and we got physically intimate on almost every occasion we saw each other face-to-face. We have been in NC for about 8 days now. I imagine she's not done yet. But, if she is, it'll be bitter sweet.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Confused528,

It's can be so difficult to grieve a loss when there is unfinished business, so to speak. I think that goes for any kind of close relationship. For example, when my father died unexpectedly, I was fortunate enough to have spoken to him on the phone the night before, expressing my feelings, etc., but my sibling didn't have that chance and it hit him really hard.

In your situation, it could be that your girlfriend doesn't want closure because it might feel like she's lost you forever. I've found that certain people just want that door to stay open, even if at one time he/she professed that everything was over. I was lucky enough to get a closure-like conversation with pwBPD, BUT, that didn't stop him from contacting me, hoping to rekindle an impossible relationship (he was newly married).

It doesn't make sense to us who want to let go and move on, but it makes sense to someone with an unstable sense of self, who often experiences very powerful feelings of abandonment/engulfment just as they get close to someone they trust. We become the trigger for these unbearable feelings in pwBPD, Confused. It's not anyone's fault. It will almost certainly happen with anyone who gets very close to pwBPD.

I think you will have to accept that your exgf doesn't think or feel the way you do, and that she may continue to try to reach out.

What can you do to give yourself closure? How do you feel the fact that you re-engaged? Were you hoping that there would be a different outcome? In my experience, each time I re-engaged (thinking that we both had a grip on the relationship and its problems) the push/pull behavior got worse and more frequent, and my walking on eggshells increased to maximum ridiculousness.

Hang in there, Confused. You are not alone!

heartandwhole 

[Confused528]

What can you do to give yourself closure? How do you feel the fact that you re-engaged? Were you hoping that there would be a different outcome? In my experience, each time I re-engaged (thinking that we both had a grip on the relationship and its problems) the push/pull behavior got worse and more frequent, and my walking on eggshells increased to maximum ridiculousness.

heartandwhole 

I need to completely move on !   I wish I would have kept her blocked after I tried ending it by Email.    I did not get any response at all after I sent that email and even thought I wanted out... .I started questioning everything.  I remember thinking holy crap I am a sucker... .this girl obviously did not care about me at all.    Then she would reengage and I would take the bait... .then vanish... .PUSH PULL.    You are right... .it has gotten to the point where I am on eggshells every time we do talk.     I honestly realize I am no match for any head games she wants to play.

[C.Stein]

 I honestly realize I am no match for any head games she wants to play.

So with this realization what do see happening from this point forward?

[Confused528]

 I honestly realize I am no match for any head games she wants to play.

So with this realization what do see happening from this point forward?

Complete removal... .and blockage !  if the temptation is there to re-engage I usually do.  Once I do it will ruin my mood for weeks.   The more I read about BPD the more makes sense.  In the beginning I felt invinsible and on top of the world !  I was already confident but she made it go even higher.    Once things ended and got bad... .It was the opposite.  Like she sucked the life and confidence out of me.    I can see why it is hard to shake someone with BPD.

[C.Stein]

In the beginning I felt invinsible and on top of the world !  I was already confident but she made it go even higher.    Once things ended and got bad... .It was the opposite.  Like she sucked the life and confidence out of me.    I can see why it is hard to shake someone with BPD.

Humpty-dumpty ... .we all break when we fall off the incredibly high pedestal we were placed on.  Piecing ourselves back together can at times seem like an impossible task, especially when our ex's continue to smash us into little pieces every time we glue pieces of ourselves back together.   Remove the hammer that keeps busting you up.   

[Confused528]

That is why I had to find this board.  I never experienced such emotions,  I was super high, everything looked bright and amazing during the first phase.  Then things started getting scary and flags started to get raised my confidence was still high and life was good.   Then there was relief when I broke free... .but I didn't know that's when the hammer would start hitting.    I compromised every thing I stood for during this relationship.   I have NEVER been the other guy... and I hated cheats... .but somehow I got sucked in and she made me feel like this was ok.    That's what kills me the most.    I literally feel like all the good that was in me has been drained by this vampire.

[Nuitari]

I have NEVER been the other guy... and I hated cheats... .but somehow I got sucked in and she made me feel like this was ok.    That's what kills me the most.    I literally feel like all the good that was in me has been drained by this vampire.

I'm right there with you. My ex was supposed to leave her husband for me, because she was so in love with me, she finally found her soulmate, blah blah blah. I bought it all. I wish so badly that I had been strong enough to end things when it became clear to me that she wasn't leaving him. But I couldn't break away. Before I met her, I would have sworn that I would never sleep with a married woman. But there we were having secret meetings behind her husband's back. It was never supposed to be that way. At some point she changed into a different person and it all became about sex. No feelings anymore. I had become only a tool to satisfy her physically. What started out a very meaningful relationship somehow evolved into something cheap and perverse. I know its pointless to dwell on the past and what could and should have been, but I wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back and tell myself to end it completely with her before things began to degenerate. At least then I would have some very good memories involving the woman she was, and none of the bad shameful ones involving the woman she morphed into.

You are right about it being nearly impossible to shake these people. Mine continued to find her way back into my life over and over again, and I would die inside a little each time. I see now that she's a leech. A very attractive leech, but a leech all the same.