Triggered by something bizarre

[Hopeful83]

Hi guys,

Brief background, I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. About a year ago it all fell apart in the matter of weeks - we went from him saying 'you're the love of my life' to 'I don't know how I feel about you anymore' in the space of a few weeks. Once we broke up, he was engaged to someone else within six weeks. It was, like many of the breakups on here, out of the blue and extremely painful. After a lot of soul searching I came to the conclusion that the breakup happened due to a) him having BPD traits and b) his family pushing him to marry someone else (cultural thing - I realise now his family actually never wanted us together).

When he got engaged, he erased all traces of me off social media, which was also incredibly painful. It's like watching someone erase history to suit their own agenda. The reason I knew he'd done this is because we used to run a website together, and we had social media accounts such as Instagram and Facebook that were linked to this site. He ran the Instagram page and sure enough, he deactivated the account, which meant all those photos of us together were removed in an instant. I believe, from friends who did some snooping for me, he erased all photos of me off all his personal accounts, too. So in essence, I no longer existed and never did to him.

So imagine my shock last night when I got a gazillion notifications from Instagram saying I'd been tagged in photos by the aforementioned account. They were all the old photos that I used to be tagged in, so it appears that he decided to reactivate the account last night. My heart was in my throat as I scrolled through the feed looking at evidence of this life we had together. I even took screenshots of some of the photos as I thought I'd never see them again, because he's the one who has all the copies of these. It was painful and confusing. It kind of felt like a bad dream.

I don't know what he's playing at. I know that he probably doesn't know I would have got those notifications to tell me that the account was reactivated (even I didn't know that happens when you reactivate an Instagram account, and I use SM a lot in the line of work that I do). But truth is, he has no reason to reactivate that account unless he wanted to look at photos of us together - the account is for the website, and I run that on my own now. He will have copies of all of the photos, and if I'm right in my thinking I'm sure his family would have insisted he delete all photos of me. So maybe this is the only evidence he has that he was ever together with me.

The optimist in me would like to think there's a smidgen of regret within him for what he did and that he caved and was looking through the photos, reminiscing. Not that it ultimately changes anything, but you know, karma.

Then there's another part of me that worries it's an attention seeking thing. I've read that happen a lot on here. I won't rise to it - I'm not getting sucked back into that whole ordeal again - but I did momentarily wonder if he's looking for a reaction, because it wouldn't be hard for someone to stumble upon the account and inform me that it's back on there. And I am surprised that it's still active. It's really weird to me. Or even worse - he's messing with his new wife's head in some way (he got married just under two months ago)

And, of course, it could just be a technical glitch.

I'm aware that this is non-topic, but I just really needed to write this all out because I feel silly talking to anyone about it and it did really affect me to the point that I had anxiety. He made such a big point of deleting me off everything that I couldn't help but feel this action meant something, but alas I'll never know what.

Feels good to write it out, though.

Anyone else have something similar happen?

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

I've just realised I can scratch the technical glitch theory. He also would have got a bunch of notifications on his personal account to say he'd been tagged in a load of photos, like I did, so he would have just deactivated it again had it been randomly done by Instagram. It now firmly feels like it was intentionally done by him for whatever reason.

I hate that this bothers me. I am heading out to enjoy the sunshine.

[C.Stein]

That must have been incredibly difficult for you to experience. 

Can I ask, what if he reactivated the account again so he can start using it?  How will it impact you if he removes all the images of the two of you and replaces them with images of his current relationship?  Is there anyway you can turn off notifications?

[Hopeful83]

That must have been incredibly difficult for you to experience. 

Can I ask, what if he reactivated the account again so he can start using it?  How will it impact you if he removes all the images of the two of you and replaces them with images of his current relationship?  Is there anyway you can turn off notifications?

I could remove the tags I guess. But I don't think that's why he's done it; he already has an account, he has no reason to use this one. Plus, he's just left it exactly as it was when I last saw it. He would have removed all trace of me from the start I feel.

[C.Stein]

You can't really know why he did it.  Does it change anything because he did?  I know it hurts and it would make me wonder too, but to what end (I would ask myself).

[Hopeful83]

You can't really know why he did it.  Does it change anything because he did?  I know it hurts and it would make me wonder too, but to what end (I would ask myself).

Good question.

I was left with more questions than answers after our breakup. He gave me a nonsensical explanation that was quite frankly insulting, and then was engaged to someone else. He then erased all trace of me in order to get back in line with what his family wanted and expected of him. I always hoped some day I'd get a more valid and authentic explanation. The chances are slim, I know.

But this small action is the most I've got in all these months (apart from when he shamelessly applied for a job at one of my best friend's company) so I guess that's why it got a strong reaction from me and got me thinking about what it may mean. They painstakingly eradicated me from everything back then, and now he's allowing those tags to show up on his and my Instagram accounts again.

Anyway, I know we can never know for sure, and I will probably never know what this was all about, but I am generally quite intuitive and I just feel it in my bones it's because something is up with them. He's been ALL about image over the last 10 months (it's important in their society) - the image of him being the dutiful son, the happy fiancé etc. This is the first thing he's done that isn't in line with that. 

Hopeful

[patientandclear]

He probably does feel regret. (Who among us has never reconsidered our decisions? And he has much better reason than most.)  It's just that there is an ocean of difference between regret and self-doubt, where my ex for one spends a great deal of time; and being able to behave differently, let alone repair the harms done by the first set of mistakes. I don't think you should question your intuitive read. At the same time, there's likely a low ceiling on what it implies. He may be idealizing you as the path not taken in contrast to the difficult realities of the path taken. Which of course is not at all fair to the path taken either ... .As that is reality, and you now may have entered the realm of fantasy for him.

[C.Stein]

I was left with more questions than answers after our breakup. He gave me a nonsensical explanation that was quite frankly insulting, and then was engaged to someone else. He then erased all trace of me in order to get back in line with what his family wanted and expected of him. I always hoped some day I'd get a more valid and authentic explanation. The chances are slim, I know.

Same thing more or less happened to me.  I was deleted, it's almost like I never existed and it does hurt ... .BAD!

But this small action is the most I've got in all these months (apart from when he shamelessly applied for a job at one of my best friend's company) so I guess that's why it got a strong reaction from me and got me thinking about what it may mean. They painstakingly eradicated me from everything back then, and now he's allowing those tags to show up on his and my Instagram accounts again.

I would wager he doesn't know the tags would show up on your account when he reactivated it.  Try not to read to much into it because it is just leaving you with more unanswered questions.

A harder question for you ... .are you feeling hope?

[Hopeful83]

He probably does feel regret. (Who among us has never reconsidered our decisions? And he has much better reason than most.)  It's just that there is an ocean of difference between regret and self-doubt, where my ex for one spends a great deal of time; and being able to behave differently, let alone repair the harms done by the first set of mistakes. I don't think you should question your intuitive read. At the same time, there's likely a low ceiling on what it implies. He may be idealizing you as the path not taken in contrast to the difficult realities of the path taken. Which of course is not at all fair to the path taken either ... .As that is reality, and you now may have entered the realm of fantasy for him.

Yeah you could be right on the idealising thing. And I have no sympathy for the path taken (the other woman). She knew exactly what she was doing, so if he's having doubts now I'm the last one who would have sympathy for her.

Sometimes it would be nice to believe that karma bites people in the end, you know? I said from the beginning that I'd leave things in the hands of karma, even though I'm not sure it even 'works' half the time, but it was better than sinking to their level.

[Hopeful83]

I was left with more questions than answers after our breakup. He gave me a nonsensical explanation that was quite frankly insulting, and then was engaged to someone else. He then erased all trace of me in order to get back in line with what his family wanted and expected of him. I always hoped some day I'd get a more valid and authentic explanation. The chances are slim, I know.

Same thing more or less happened to me.  I was deleted, it's almost like I never existed and it does hurt ... .BAD!

But this small action is the most I've got in all these months (apart from when he shamelessly applied for a job at one of my best friend's company) so I guess that's why it got a strong reaction from me and got me thinking about what it may mean. They painstakingly eradicated me from everything back then, and now he's allowing those tags to show up on his and my Instagram accounts again.

I would wager he doesn't know the tags would show up on your account when he reactivated it.  Try not to read to much into it because it is just leaving you with more unanswered questions.

A harder question for you ... .are you feeling hope?

No I don't believe he knew I'd get the notifications, but he would have received the same ones as I did when he reactivated the account. I know we could spend the whole day trying to figure out what it means and never get to the bottom of it, but like I said my instinct just tells me there's something not quite right going on there. He's newly married - I'm sure he has a million things better to do than this.

Hope... .hmmm. Hope for what? I guess the only thing I can hope for is karma, so in that sense yes. I do hope it bites them. I know it's not very 'kind' of me, but when I think of everything I went through over the last 11 months, I struggle to have any sympathy if it is going south for them.

[KatyK2016]

Interesting about the Instagram tags.

Trust your gut if you think something is off. You never know, it could be his fiance checking out your life. Maybe he is showing her the account or like someone else said he's plan on doing something with it.

Either way I'd stay away from him. He kinda sounds like an all around jerk with a personality disorder. I wasn't connected with my ex on any social media and we had maybe 2 photos together. He hated having his picture taken. I'd also look at any of those photos that you'd want to keep and screen shot them to save for yourself in case he deactivates it soon. It sounds like you've moved on and he's still stuck. Good. Let him sleep in the bed he has made. Don't look back. Don't respond at all. As flattering as it is you don't want that drama back in you life.

I commented in another post: Don't think that you are missing out on him because in reality he is missing out on you, FOREVER!

Good Luck!  

[C.Stein]

Hope... .hmmm. Hope for what? I guess the only thing I can hope for is karma, so in that sense yes. I do hope it bites them. I know it's not very 'kind' of me, but when I think of everything I went through over the last 11 months, I struggle to have any sympathy if it is going south for them.

OK, so let's reexamine the question about hope keeping in mind what you just wrote.  There is a part of you that wants to see the relationship fail.  Certainly understandable, I'm sure we have all felt that way at one point or another.  So if you are choosing to see this as a sign that it is failing, are you hoping he might come back to you?

[Hopeful83]

Interesting about the Instagram tags.

Trust your gut if you think something is off. You never know, it could be his fiance checking out your life. Maybe he is showing her the account or like someone else said he's plan on doing something with it.

Either way I'd stay away from him. He kinda sounds like an all around jerk with a personality disorder. I wasn't connected with my ex on any social media and we had maybe 2 photos together. He hated having his picture taken. I'd also look at any of those photos that you'd want to keep and screen shot them to save for yourself in case he deactivates it soon. It sounds like you've moved on and he's still stuck. Good. Let him sleep in the bed he has made. Don't look back. Don't respond at all. As flattering as it is you don't want that drama back in you life.

I commented in another post: Don't think that you are missing out on him because in reality he is missing out on you, FOREVER!

Good Luck!  

Oh I agree, I have no desire to have any of that crap back in my life. I've always said the only way I want to ever hear from him is if he came and was honest and authentic with me. This, to me, is proof he hasn't grown or changed at all since we broke up. Any normal person would know that this would be triggering for the other person, and potentially his wife. And there's no reason for him to show her the account - she was well aware of the fact I existed, and I'm pretty sure she also followed us on there, too, so she knows what we used to post.

I did take screen shots of the photos that I wanted :-) It was kind of painful, but there were plenty of lovely ones of myself when I looked relaxed, happy and in love. I'm glad I managed to salvage them, albeit screen shots.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hope... .hmmm. Hope for what? I guess the only thing I can hope for is karma, so in that sense yes. I do hope it bites them. I know it's not very 'kind' of me, but when I think of everything I went through over the last 11 months, I struggle to have any sympathy if it is going south for them.

OK, so let's reexamine the question about hope keeping in mind what you just wrote.  There is a part of you that wants to see the relationship fail.  Certainly understandable, I'm sure we have all felt that way at one point or another.  So if you are choosing to see this as a sign that it is failing, are you hoping he might come back to you?

Thanks for letting me talk this through, C Stein. It's much appreciated, as I'm sure these are questions I need to re-ask myself, even though I know my answers. It's good to reaffirm them.

No, I don't want him back. I mean, the only way I'd ever have wanted him back is a) if he had done all the self-work he needed and b) he cut off his relationship with his toxic mother. I realised a long time ago that there was an extremely slim chance of any of this happening, so the answer is no.

So it isn't about wanting him to come back. My situation is a bit complex in that it's also cultural, and they all tried *SO* hard to erase me and behave like I never actually existed, let alone mean anything to him (when I say they, I mean his family and new wife). I doubted myself for months and months while my family and friends watched on helplessly and repeated the same things over and over again to me. I'm so lucky to have had such a great support network all those months, because I'm sure I would have bought into their version of the 'truth' had I not had my loved ones around me to tell me it was all rubbish.

I won't deny that I want vindication. I try to move on each and every day without it, and I'm moving forward. But there will always be a part of me, I feel, that will want that proof that I wasn't wrong, even though I know in my heart I wasn't. Simply because what they did was so awful. I know what we had was real, but they did a real good job of trying to prove to me otherwise.

I guess that's why when this account went live again I felt it was a strong indication that there's something up. They've tried to cover me up so desperately over the last year that it makes no sense that he'd unravel all of that work without there being a strange reason behind it.

I know I cannot know for sure, but knowing what I know of him and the situation, I have a strong feeling it was to get a reaction out of me. He's a coward, and it wouldn't surprise me if this was his way of putting the feelers out so to speak. I felt that by leaving myself tagged in all the photos and still following the account while knowing he knows that it's reactivated, I was somehow inviting or encouraging this behaviour.

So although it really hurt to do this, I took screen shots of all the photos I wanted to keep, and then I unfollowed and blocked the account. I don't want him thinking that I think what he's doing is okay, or that I feel sentimental in any way (although I won't lie that I did). He had no right to delete that account back when he did, so he also has no right to mess with my head now. This is my way of sending a strong message that I'm really not playing. I want authentic, not mind games played by unstable people.

(I know I probably sound nonchalant here, but darn, it was hard - and empowering - to do that).

Hopeful

[sweet tooth]

These people are severely mentally ill. I will argue that their illness is worse in severity than schizophrenia because schizophrenic's can take medications that treat their symptoms.

Yes, my ex was triggered by something bizarre. She got mad at me for looking at her LinkedIn page without adding her even she never even used it (Devalue). Then, for about two months after discarding me, she monitored me on LinkedIn (Projection. She participated in the behavior she stated made her feel uncomfortable after accusing me of doing it).

A week after that fight, we were supposed to go away with some friends of mine for my birthday. Never happened. TWO DAYS before the fight she told me how awesome I am, how many good times we had together, and that we had to go to the beach over the summer (Idolize). Two weeks after devaluing me and telling me that there was "no spark," (devalue) she told me "do not contact me again" (discard).

I joined some MeetUp groups at my friend's request. This was three months after the discard. Unfortunately my ex is involved with them. She immediately blocked me (Splitting).

Bizarre, emotionally unbalanced behavior? Without a doubt. One minute she monitors me, the next she blocks me. One minute I'm awesome and she never wants to lose my friendship, the next she cuts me off.

It's hurtful, just like your Instagram story is hurtful and confusing.

[Hopeful83]

These people are severely mentally ill. I will argue that their illness is worse in severity than schizophrenia because schizophrenic's can take medications that treat their symptoms.

Yes, my ex was triggered by something bizarre. She got mad at me for looking at her LinkedIn page without adding her even she never even used it (Devalue). Then, for about two months after discarding me, she monitored me on LinkedIn (Projection. She participated in the behavior she stated made her feel uncomfortable after accusing me of doing it).

A week after that fight, we were supposed to go away with some friends of mine for my birthday. Never happened. TWO DAYS before the fight she told me how awesome I am, how many good times we had together, and that we had to go to the beach over the summer (Idolize). Two weeks after devaluing me and telling me that there was "no spark," (devalue) she told me "do not contact me again" (discard).

I joined some MeetUp groups at my friend's request. This was three months after the discard. Unfortunately my ex is involved with them. She immediately blocked me (Splitting).

Bizarre, emotionally unbalanced behavior? Without a doubt. One minute she monitors me, the next she blocks me. One minute I'm awesome and she never wants to lose my friendship, the next she cuts me off.

It's hurtful, just like your Instagram story is hurtful and confusing.

The last sentence is true - it's hurtful and confusing. I'm glad I blocked the account, as I know I would have probably continued to look at it and see if he'd changed anything, which isn't good. I have anxiety again thanks to this whole scenario, and it feels awful.

[C.Stein]

I have anxiety again thanks to this whole scenario, and it feels awful.

It is ok to feel anxious.  I still feel anxious every day, that all too familiar feeling in my mid-section that just won't seem to go away.  It does get better though hopeful.  The feelings will fade, the anxiety will dissipate as you heal and move toward acceptance and letting go. 

[KatyK2016]

Self preservation is everything. Let him think about you and what you both had over and over again because he will! Just like their cycles. If you give them no attention they get frustrated and take a bruise to the ego then they just move on to the next supply. But they don't forget and you KNOW his wife is soo sick of hearing about you!  

They always drone on the ex that they never see so at least you know there's that for your pain   Your best revenge is being happy with someone who won't cheat, lie, ignore you, devalue you or discard you.

In my situation the happy times seem very far away. The heartbreak and bad times out-weigh the good. They overpower them. I remember the old him, but don't miss the old him at all. It was a facade he could keep up for maybe 6-8 months. What a sh***y life! He can lay in the bed he's made. I feel nothing about wanting to help him if he doesn't want to help himself. I did all I could have done and more. I tolerated things that so many would never have, "for the sake of his his sickness." In the end it would have caused me more pain, anxiety and depression if I took him back.

I've paid my dues. I feel nothing for his misery; in fact I revel in it. May sound bitter but my life has been an emotional hell since this final discard. People can die from heartache. It's no joke. The depression, all of it. I'm so done and can't wait till I forget him. When I think about the destruction he has caused to my life I get physically stomach sick. I believe that the circle of pain will come back to bite him in the ass. He caused every bit if it himself & I hope he's content with the choices he's made.

Hopeful83, Stay strong and let him burn!