I need some support today

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been a while since I've posted, I've replied to a couple of others in the last day. I'm struggling today with some things. I exited my relationship the day after Christmas but since that time somehow we ended up back together until her push cycle started, I was devalued, and finally discarded. I've lost count how many times this has happened over the last six years. Each time she left without warning and went NC while going back to her husband. And each time she eventually did the same thing to him and came back to me. This time after leaving she had gone to a brand new guy. Much younger and very successful. When you google him he pops up over several google pages. They live in a smaller area so he's known there.

She is in therapy and has been for two years. But her push, devalue, discard, and onto the replacement hasn't changed. I'm struggling with how personal this feels. I know that sounds ridicuoulous to say, how can it not be. I can on some level see that she is severaly ill. She is broken. My T continously reminds me of that. She also says she'll never feel what I feel and she'll never feel the pain I do. I know that I am painted black. I also no there is probably very little thought of me. I was shocked after everything that was said hoow quickly I was replaced. She had been making improvements in therapy so i bought into it. My T says its her coping, how she deals with things. She just goes onto another man. That doesn't help me either.

I'm pouring myself into therapy and exploring myself and all the why's and how's on my end of this. We are finding out a lot about issues that i didn't even know were there.

However, this time, the pain, anger, and pure rage I'm feeling is off the charts. And I dont know why yet. All the other times it did not effect me this way. This time I know its over, she wont be back, and frankly i don't want her to. But its killing me, the pian, how personal it feels. I feel like a piece of garbage thrown away with no thought. It kills me knowing she isnt grieving, she doesn't miss me. My T says shes riding and loving all the attention shes getting from dating this guy. That doesn't help lessen the pain.

I know with BPD she can shut someone off, she always told me how easy that was. So knowing that, it hurts even more. I'm broken, a mess in incredible pain. I know that I shouldn't take it so personal because shes sick. I know it wont last forever with these two. None of that helps.

I'm trying. I'm looking deep within myself. I'm asking some really hard questions. I'm not putting all the blame on her. But my goodness, the pain is too much.

I just am hoping for some support from people who understand this and any suggestions to help. I am doing everything I can in my life to improve myself, therapy, everything... .It's just so unfair

[Wantingtochange]

Its been a while since I've posted, I've replied to a couple of others in the last day. I'm struggling today with some things. I exited my relationship the day after Christmas but since that time somehow we ended up back together until her push cycle started, I was devalued, and finally discarded. I've lost count how many times this has happened over the last six years. Each time she left without warning and went NC while going back to her husband. And each time she eventually did the same thing to him and came back to me. This time after leaving she had gone to a brand new guy. Much younger and very successful. When you google him he pops up over several google pages. They live in a smaller area so he's known there.

She is in therapy and has been for two years. But her push, devalue, discard, and onto the replacement hasn't changed. I'm struggling with how personal this feels. I know that sounds ridicuoulous to say, how can it not be. I can on some level see that she is severaly ill. She is broken. My T continously reminds me of that. She also says she'll never feel what I feel and she'll never feel the pain I do. I know that I am painted black. I also no there is probably very little thought of me. I was shocked after everything that was said hoow quickly I was replaced. She had been making improvements in therapy so i bought into it. My T says its her coping, how she deals with things. She just goes onto another man. That doesn't help me either.

I'm pouring myself into therapy and exploring myself and all the why's and how's on my end of this. We are finding out a lot about issues that i didn't even know were there.

However, this time, the pain, anger, and pure rage I'm feeling is off the charts. And I dont know why yet. All the other times it did not effect me this way. This time I know its over, she wont be back, and frankly i don't want her to. But its killing me, the pian, how personal it feels. I feel like a piece of garbage thrown away with no thought. It kills me knowing she isnt grieving, she doesn't miss me. My T says shes riding and loving all the attention shes getting from dating this guy. That doesn't help lessen the pain.

I know with BPD she can shut someone off, she always told me how easy that was. So knowing that, it hurts even more. I'm broken, a mess in incredible pain. I know that I shouldn't take it so personal because shes sick. I know it wont last forever with these two. None of that helps.

I'm trying. I'm looking deep within myself. I'm asking some really hard questions. I'm not putting all the blame on her. But my goodness, the pain is too much.

I just am hoping for some support from people who understand this and any suggestions to help. I am doing everything I can in my life to improve myself, therapy, everything... .It's just so unfair

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there Wantingtochange,

I know where you are coming from. The pain is tremendous. I wish there was something I could do suggest that will lessen it but the only way out of the pain is to go through it. You say that you are angry this breakup and the anger borders upon rage. What kind of things do you do to express that rage safely? I've tried beating up cushions or teddy bears, doing an anger dance to music, flattening tin cans, tearing up old books or newspapers. Anything that doesn't hurt you or another person could help. Screaming might help too. You could try writing her a letter and then reading it to a photograph of her.

A slight warning, if you really let your anger go, you could feel very vulnerable, as it there's someone in the room who wants to hurt you. Know that there isn't, it's just part of the process. Also know that your anger is a part of the grieving process and signals that you are moving forward. 

Lifewriter x

[steelwork]

Wantingtochange, you are allowed to take this personally. It is nothing if not personal! That's not to say you aren't wise to see that it's not "about" you from another perspective. You didn't cause her illness, can't control it, can't cure it. Those things are true. But you are also bearing the brunt of it, and there are times when you just have to put your own feelings in the foreground. You don't have to be a saint.

This time you're seeing the breakup as final--a loss. It's been said that when you experience one loss, you experiences all your past losses as well. Maybe that's why the pain and anger and rage is so much more intense. Maybe you are experiencing long pent-up emotions.

I'm pouring myself into therapy and exploring myself and all the why's and how's on my end of this. We are finding out a lot about issues that i didn't even know were there.

This sounds like the very best thing you can do for yourself right now. Maybe the anger you're feeling means you are getting to the wellspring.

[Herodias]

I am so sorry of you... .I completely understand how you feel and why. It's good you are working with a therapist. No matter what, you had real feelings. It's hard to understand how they do what they do. I think they must have some feelings, but what they are exactly it't hard to tell. Sometimes I think it's like we are their parent... .in some weird way- if you know what I mean. I think the best thing for you is to work really hard on yourself now and prepare yourself not to go back and get hurt anymore. It can take a really long time to get over them the longer you have been in it. You need to figure out why you are doing this and get yourself healthy if you ever want a real relationship in the future. She has been in therapy for 2 years and there is no change. That should help you see that it will not be any different. Keep reading here and learn. It's hard to not feel bad for these people, but you need to have some sympathy for yourself and turn around and be your own best friend for a change... .what would you tell your best friend to do in this situation? Now look in the mirror... .   I have been on my way out for 17 months- I get divorced in two weeks. I still struggle. I do not want to ever go back. I want to be better, so I am open to something real and healthy one day. I see what other people do around me and it is so clear now... .It takes a awhile to come out of the fog of what was... .but once you do, it all starts to come together. It is worth the effort. It is terribly sad and I am still struggling with the loss of what I wanted. But what I wanted, wasn't what was... .and I bet you are in the same situation. Get tough and see this for what it is... .you have to stop seeing this person as mentally ill if you are ever going to get better yourself. We tend to feel bad for them and put up with the behavior due to the mental illness. I think they take advantage of that. You can acknowledge the fact, but look at the real scenario for it is. Is this really how you want to live? I believe if more of us would get out, we would have more people to form good relationships with ; )  Take care of yourself... . find a hobby and get out of the house... .go for walks. Push forward as hard as you can. You have to get out around people to help you not be depressed. Find something you can do to be around people. I walked into a church crying... .literally. There were other people who had been through this and supported me right away. Find what helps.

[myself]

This time you're seeing the breakup as final--a loss.

^I agree. In my case, even through all the turbulence of being in the relationship, many of the deepest pains didn't rise to the surface for me until I knew for sure that the relationship was over. The five stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and they do not come or go in any particular order and are different for each of us as far as intensity and duration. As best you can, keep focusing on the positives in your life, looking and moving forward not backward. The struggles you're experiencing now will smooth out and you'll feel much more relaxed/relieved (in large part because of the personal efforts you're making for yourself). Good for you, in addition to what you're already doing, to reach out like this. What matters more here is how you process/heal, not how she does or doesn't.

[Wantingtochange]

Thank you all for the responses, your support helps. It is helpful to be able to discuss and share with others who understand. I was told by a friend earlier that i "just need to let it go". I wish it was that simple but it again showed me how others who have not been in our shoes do not understand.

I am in therapy for PTSD (Former Military & EMS) so the rage is something my T is starting to look at. I am able to keep it in check but there are two times that I started to slide and both have to do with seeing her pic with him. So today Ive realized there's a trigger. I'm not sure why I felt the need to look at their FB profiles but both times I did it hit too hard. Lesson learned. I have a very physically demanding job and I'm into running so I'm attempting to deal with it during those times.

For some reason today my mind keeps saying she left you because your you, your broken. So everything kicks in and it slides downhill from there. At least I'm seeing this finally and will bring it up right away with my T.

I've always made excuses for my ex and her behaviors and truly didn't apply everything I had learned about BPD to my relationship. Now, my T see's that and is hammering the fact that she is mentally ill, that shes broken, in an effort to get me to see that. Now that I slowly am "Getting it" I am at times, able to say, it's less about me and more about her. At times, I can see, that this newest man is her way of coping, not having to grieve. I know that her illness caused the push, devalue, and being thrown away so again I try and say its less about me and more about her.

Unfortunately at times, like today, I loss sight of all that and my emotions are too strong. It's a horrible pain that i know everyone can relate to.

I have had a severe amount of loss in my life, too many deaths. I am learning in therapy that i have compartmentalized so that I could continue on with things I've had to deal with. That box is now over flowing and broken so in therapy I'm slowly addressing that. As said above, I do feel this as a loss, I know it's final. So I realized on my run earlier, that seeing those pics of them drives, hammers actually, that it is truly over. And now another loss to deal with... .

Today has just been awful. Everyday is a struggle. Today I was sliding so I'm thankful for this sight.

[Lifewriter16]

Sitting with unresolved loss and grief can be very challenging. Being in a relationship tends to put a wall up between such pain and current reality. When the relationship goes, the wall is ripped down leaving all the grief to tumble out into consciousness. You mention that you have had too many deaths. Would it help to tell us about them?

Lifewriter x

[Wantingtochange]

Lifewriter... .I agree with everything you said. I have realized in therapy that during my relationship I had to focus so much time and energy on her that I didn't have any left for me. But that was a good thing. It allowed my to stay in denial regarding things I needed to work on within myself. Now that we are finished, and for good, the finality is setting in. And now I see and feel all the things I have been in denial about. It all is crashing down. My T says thats not a bad thing, she continually says that I'm in a perfect place to deal with this. A great place to rebuild and grow. And as painful as it is I agree. I am facing it all head on. Instead of denial, I want so badly to discover these issues and deal with them. There's freedom in knowing that at some point the pain will slow and then fade.

As far as the deaths, I have always kept that to myself but openly share it in therapy. It has a lot to do with my PTSD diagnosis.

Thank you again for the support yesterday. I was having a seriously bad day.

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter... .I agree with everything you said. I have realized in therapy that during my relationship I had to focus so much time and energy on her that I didn't have any left for me. But that was a good thing. It allowed my to stay in denial regarding things I needed to work on within myself. Now that we are finished, and for good, the finality is setting in. And now I see and feel all the things I have been in denial about. It all is crashing down. My T says thats not a bad thing, she continually says that I'm in a perfect place to deal with this. A great place to rebuild and grow. And as painful as it is I agree. I am facing it all head on. Instead of denial, I want so badly to discover these issues and deal with them. There's freedom in knowing that at some point the pain will slow and then fade.

As far as the deaths, I have always kept that to myself but openly share it in therapy. It has a lot to do with my PTSD diagnosis.

Thank you again for the support yesterday. I was having a seriously bad day.

I have PTSD too, and my relationship with my ex completely re-traumatized me and reactivated the PTSD. I ended up with symptoms I have not had for years. Of course, he used that as proof of my awfulness, but that is another story!

My PTSD includes a lot of losses, including death, and witnessing/experiencing extreme violence and abuse. The way my ex treated me brought back all of those horrors and the feelings of terror that came with them.

Realizing that my relationship is truly, finally over was tremendously difficult for me. I described the pain as catastrophic. It's huge. Raw, overwhelming. I felt like he left me in the pain. It's a hard feeling to describe, but it was a combination of feeling abandoned, despised, discarded, thrown away—and having all that happen after you feel someone emotionally spit on you. I was completely devestated.

Be kind to yourself. I've also slipped and checked out my ex on FB. I gave myself permission to make mistakes, including that one.

I can say it gets better. I have not had contact now for three months and I feel a world better. My PTSD symptoms have disappeared or gone down, and I am having times of real happiness. I wouldn't have thought that was possible three months ago. I still have lots of periods of pain, but now I am seeing a future that can be filled with joy without my ex.

It's wonderful you are in therapy. Do you have other supports in your life? What is your daily life like? Do you feel you are doing enough self-care?

[sweet tooth]

Every person on this board has gone through what you've gone through. It certainly isn't fair. Somebody you cared about deeply betrayed you, probably without explanation or reason. How can somebody NOT take something like this personally?