Flattery...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just heard "flattery is a cheap distraction from truth". Then I googled flattery and found so many quotes against it! Like this one, "flattery is like chewing gum, it should be enjoyed but not swallowed"... .Now I feel kind of dumb here, but my ex flattered me ALL the time! Did yours? It was actually something I liked, what a fool I've been... .

[Herodias]

I just heard "flattery is a cheap distraction from truth". Then I googled flattery and found so many quotes against it! Like this one, "flattery is like chewing gum, it should be enjoyed but not swallowed"... .Now I feel kind of dumb here, but my ex flattered me ALL the time! Did yours? It was actually something I liked, what a fool I've been... .

[Herodias]

I found this... .Distinguishing between Compliments and Flattery

by Jerry Fite

The Devil does not create, but corrupts what is good. He takes desire in man’s heart and turns it into covetousness. He uses the sexual desire placed in man by the Lord and turns it into fornication and adultery. The vigilant Satan also has corrupted the needed “compliment”, into vain “flattery”.

Compliments and flattery both involve praise and adoration. How do they differ? How does God arm us with this difference so we continue to give and receive compliments while avoiding flattery and suspicion?

Determining if adoration is the truth is a big factor in distinguishing a compliment from flattery. Paul encouraged the new Christians at Thessalonica by telling that he thanked God for them constantly. He praised them for their work of faith, labor of love and patience of hope. That was not the end to his adoration. He uplifted their spirits by pointing out that their good example had spread as widely as their faith had gone forth (I Thessalonians 1:2-10). However, Paul says, “for neither at any time were we found using words of flattery, as ye know, nor a cloak of covetousness, God is witness” (I Thessalonians 2:5).

Paul did not let the possibility of flattery keep him from giving needed compliments. There are times when people need to be lifted up, and “compliments” fill the need and “complete” the person. The Thessalonians needed to be made complete with encouraging words. Paul freely gave it. He did not use empty flattery, but offered heartfelt truth.

We also need to be warned about receiving flattery. Flattery can be a trap. Wise Solomon admonishes us with this truth: “A man that flattereth his neighbor spreadeth a net for his steps” (Proverbs 29:5). People ingratiate others with words of flattery for one’s selfish gain. Don’t you feel good towards those who praise you? Watch out? Flattery is a cheap investment in order to reap a selfish profit later. Paul reminds us that flattering words are often a “cloak of covetousness”. The flatterer thinks, “What can I get out of you?” Such thought is followed with “I will set you up with empty praise in order to cash in later.”

We can guard ourselves from flattery when we first refuse to flatter ourselves or lie to ourselves. For example, the wicked man has no fear of God “for he flattereth himself in his own eyes that his iniquity will not be found out and be hated” (Psalms 36:2). Flattery is a lie, but it is self-deception emboldening the wicked to think they will not be held accountable for their sins.

Knowing that we are not really the brightest, cleverest, most beautiful or most handsome; we become stronger to not be set up by the flatterer who says we are! When we handle things according to “common sense”, we should not be swayed with the flattering words that we manifested “uncommon wisdom” Flattery says more about the person offering it than the recipient. Speaking truth at a critical time is the beauty of a compliment. Being truthful with self will guard us from stepping into flattery’s trap. www.parkviewcoc.org

[steelwork]

Soo much flattery. I don't have super high self-esteem, and I tend to swat away compliments. I was always doing this private analysis: could it be true that I'm as great as he's saying? Is he saying all this because he's looking at me through love goggles? Is that the worst thing? Is he playing me? Is he unhinged? In other words, my gut was never right with it.

[once removed]

i lean a little bit more toward the second quote, though it kind of depends on your working definition of "flattery". nothing wrong with complimenting your partner, for example (it sounds like you are distinguishing between the two). i like telling my partner that shes sexy and beautiful, or intelligent, or kind, or insightful, or talented, or... .who doesnt like hearing the same? i dont have an ulterior motive when i do that.

my ex told me some pretty over the top stuff that didnt ring true to me. i like/love myself but i know im not a perfect individual, pretty far from it. i can take a compliment. but im not the "greatest" anything. im not the solution for anyone, im not the key to anyones happiness but my own.

and inevitably, when someone is put on a pedestal (us, or our exes), that person is going to fall from that pedestal. everyone is prone to idealizing their partner a bit in the honeymoon stage of a relationship - thats normal. you are eventually reminded that like everyone, your partner has flaws, and you love them anyway; unfortunately thats not usually how it works in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder. and, side note, it doesnt hurt to identify what sorts of flaws are a deal breaker for you.

i took the things my ex said with a grain of salt, but i did come to believe that she believed those things. and she did i suppose, in the moment, just like she believed, in the moment, that i was the worst guy in the world. i know i certainly cant be both!

but blue, every individual has great qualities to them, and you are certainly no exception. there is a person out there, probably more than one, who will love those great qualities about you, and theyre going to want to express it. when it comes to flattery, language matters a bit, and there certainly are more than enough people out there who do have ulterior motives behind flattering others. ideally, you like and love yourself, but you have an objectivity that recognizes and knows your flaws, and knows youre not perfect. if youre told you are perfect, you are being put on a pedestal. the reasons (people with BPD are generally fickle and express such things like children, vs someone with an ulterior motive) dont matter too much.

what i think youre really aiming at though is that flattery can have a very powerful draw, and especially for someone with low self esteem, or someone who has been taught to think less of themselves. whatever the reason, i dont think youre dumb for liking it; on the contrary, youre smart for identifying it as a powerful draw in your relationship.

[Cynthia]

I was never the most confident of people. We met just before my 17th birthday I'm now 53 and yes other women especially  loved how he told the story of when we first met and how he knew he had to have me and how he persued me till he got what he wanted. Now looking back the flattery was always before he wanted something,  I was beautiful, I was smart, I was his best friend he trusted me more than anyone.  Until I disagreed then I was mean, miserable, holding him back. He would always say "I will always win you back".

Now I've gone and he knows I'm not going back. I'm a crazy, mean, hateful, a liar he has apparantly lived 35 years with a woman who is as "evil as his step mother was"

Wow... .it's feels like I have been stabbed and had the knife twisted. When people say it's a Rollercoaster ride of emotions   they are not kidding. I've been completely  derailed once again and I'm  not even there !

I just want peace, I'm waiting for the day when I do not even think about any of this any more... let's get this separation rolling.

[bAlex]

I enjoyed reading this. It's something I didn't give much thought to for a while, but thinking about it now in the way my ex did it it's easy to forget how manipulative she can be.

We used to work together and I remember a couple of weeks after we broke up she used to say stuff to me at work like "you know you're damn hot right?".

I never fully understood what her intentions were in saying it, because she clearly didn't want to be with me. I misinterpreted it at the time as a sign of interest on her part, but as soon as I showed any interest back to her I'd get shot down, and she would deny being interested or leading me on in any way.

Same thing happened a couple months ago when the relationship she was in at the time was falling apart. I got txt's from her saying "I still prefer you over any of my ex's, you were amazing", "you did absolutely nothing wrong, I just found it odd that you treated me so well" and "I think about you almost daily". And then she would get into how bad her bf treats her etc... .

To this day whenever any ex contacts me (especially when saying such things) I take it as a sign of interest, and my suspicions are proven correct every time. Not with this girl though... she liked my support, interest, validation and care but as soon as she's stronger again she would vanish. It's like she didn't even realise or care about how she was torturing and using me with flattery and kind words to get what she wanted, and then expecting me not to get the wrong idea.