Is this a poem about knowing you have BPD?

[Mars22]

So, as mentioned in my past post. The only social media site my exwuBPD and share in common is photo web site called Flickr. We've not talked in 3 months since the she freaked out and discard me. Now suddenly, after not posting on this common web site in a year and half (because she prefers to post her photos on Instagram... ) , she has started posting pictures on Flickr again... knowing full well I'd see them. She posted a picture of a beautiful golden sunset and left these words under the photo. It's excerpt from a famous Russian poet.

"You will hear thunder and remember me,

And think: she wanted storms. The rim

Of the sky will be the colour of hard crimson,

And your heart, as it was then, will be on fire."


Is this her attempt ay passive - aggressive closure? Or, am i looking into this too much. perhaps she felt the poem went well with the sunset picture... ?

What's your interpretation of this?

[bAlex]

Sounds like bait.

[rfriesen]

If she's like my ex, she feeds on chaos and "storms". And she likes to confirm that you love the storms, too. And that you would return to her storms given the chance. So, yes, I agree with bAlex that it sounds like bait - she's fishing for a response.

A bit of psychological interpretation on my part (so obviously I could be wrong), but it seems to me that, rather than make an effort to come out of the storms, my ex prefers to convince herself that everyone likes the storms, longs for the storms. So instead of working on herself and calming (or at least controlling) the storms, she seduces someone and drags them into her storms. Then she can think to herself, "see! Guys would much rather come into my storms than live a 'happy' quiet life with a calm and loving partner!"

I'm not saying that my ex (or others with BPD symptoms) consciously think all of this through like a strategy. But simply that the above is one plausible interpretation of the kinds of motivations and psychological dynamics I see in my ex. And the hard thing is, she's not exactly wrong -- lots of us are drawn to the storms and want to ride through them and enjoy the passion and wildness, maybe also hoping to bring our lover in from the storms. I don't think that's particular to BPD --- there's a touch of this in all love affairs and the passion that starts them off. But for people with BPD traits, it can turn into a kind of sick and twisted kind of game, in which the aim is never actually to ride out the storms and reach happier, safer places together. Instead they seem stuck in the urge to pursue darker and darker storms, becoming more and more invested in the feeling that it's the storms everyone yearns for, and only suckers believe in riding off to happy, calmer shores.

I don't know - as I say, this is all just one interpretation of some of the storms and darkness I experienced with my ex. Judging from her past, every time she's found herself in a relationship where the storms have stopped, she suddenly finds herself bored and disinterested and longing for a return to chaos and to have the whole game start up once again ... .

[rfriesen]

You know, I would add that, from the perspective of someone with BPD, it's probably perfectly reasonable to believe that people are bored and miserable when they come out of the "storms". If someone with BPD wants to believe that, they'll have no trouble finding evidence to support it -- not hard to look around and find couples in longterm relationships who have lost the passion, or who are just bored with life, unhappy and unfulfilled, and there's always the endless supply of people who can be seduced into yet another stormy love affair. The pwBPD who wants confirmation that people prefer life in the storms can always find it. And they're always looking for that confirmation, because without it they might have to confront the fact that they're stuck in the storms and are too scared to come out and that a lot of the time they're truly miserable and deep down are longing for someone who can convince them to come out and be happy.

I have been in limited contact with my ex since our break-up. She'll still occasionally try to work my sense of shame and guilt by asking whether I've worked on myself or the "mistakes" I made that hurt our relationship. The most honest answer she's given when I asked the same of her was her telling me that, "I haven't thought about it much. You know me - I don't like to do much introspection. I'm sure I could have done things differently. But it just hurts too much when I think of us now."

I have to give it to her -- I think that's a very candid and honest response on her part. It still infuriates me, though. Because she had promised a million times that she "would do anything" to make it work with me ... .apparently "anything" doesn't include even a touch of introspection. But I guess from her point of view, she's just being honest. She finds it hurts too much to think of changing, and she's always looking for (and finding) someone new to come ride the storms with her. She focuses on the present (as she always tells me) and in that respect it probably does hurt her less to bring someone new into the storms than it would to make an effort to introspect and change her destructive and self-destructive behaviour.

[Mars22]

... .yeah... I guess I'm conflicted.

part of thinks that she reaching out, telling me that "hey, all you heard was thunder and were expecting storm... when, it was just thunder... no need to run for cover ... No big deal... come back"

While another half me thinks she's saying ... " yeah, a relationship with me is tough but, you'll remember me and you will always long for me; an amazing lover i was... and you'll be missing out... and your heart will be in fire... as, in  'your heart will yearn and will always be broken... "  Because remember... she "broke up with me so... it feels like a power play perhaps...

[rfriesen]

You feel conflicted and she probably does too. Again I can obviously only speak from my own experience ... but when my ex reaches out to me now, she so often does it in cryptic or tentative ways. And my impression is that she deliberately keeps things ambiguous because she's unsure herself of how she feels. Part of her would like to reach out and ask sincerely whether we can have an open, honest talk and consider whether there's any hope together. But she's terrified of putting herself out there in that way and so another part of her tells her to put something cryptic out and just see what happens ... .that way she can always convince herself she was just playing or keeping the upper hand.

I do my best now to just respond simply and honestly. I know I don't want to be back in the painful relationship we shared, and I tell her that. I also know that I still care deeply for her and would be there as a friend if she ever wanted to talk openly, and I tell her that. But for a whole set of reasons - some reasonable and some based in her BPD symptoms (in my opinion) - she seems not to trust me. And what I find so hard is that no matter how much I try to keep my responses open, simple, and honest, I find myself being sucked back into that confusing world where my words get twisted or turned this way and that ... .to the point where I start wondering myself whether I'm still playing her games.

That's why I keep things to limited contact. It's a struggle. But it matters to me that she knows I still care. I understand that with some pwBPDs, this just isn't realistic, because their behaviour is much more difficult, or even dangerous.

The one thing that keeps me relatively steady is knowing I don't want to start back up again with my ex. I remind myself of that constantly and feel confident in sticking to it. If I were still torn in two, I would be much more hesitant to keep any contact. It's just too hard. And I'm also in a different city from my ex now, so it's easier to make sure contact doesn't escalate.

[Mars22]

thank you for sharing your experiences rfriesen... Can i ask... Was your ex considered a 'waif or quiet' borderline? As mine was very meek at times when we would have to discus serious r/s issues and would only really rage over text and email. She wasn't verbally abusive like some relay in here.  She just was always upset or in a bad or quiet mood and held a lot inside all the time... and when the dam busted it was never in person. She hides behind her phone... it seems. So sad. I'm so tempted to simply reach out and say hello in the forum of photography... but, know full well I have to remain NC...

[rfriesen]

Mars, no my ex was not a quiet borderline. She raged very aggressively. I was really taken off-guard by it. The first time it happened, I thought she was justified -- as she had already started showing signs of possessiveness and angry jealousy about a previous ex who is now my friend (and truly has been nothing but a friend for many years now), I had lied to her about how often I spoke with that friend. And when my ex with BPD (or BPD symptoms - she's not diagnosed) found out, she exploded. From then on the relationship was a whipsaw between explosions (few and far between at first) and intense making up and adoration. But I couldn't take it after a while, and when I tried to end it things really were a little crazy -- so much screaming and yelling about how much she hated me, then so much begging and pleading telling me how much she loved me and needed me.

Like I said, I had never experienced anything like this. I've been in intense, passionate relationships before, sometimes with heartbreaking endings. But never had I experienced the rage and the yelling and the insults and the desire to inflict deep pain. I know I made mistakes, and anytime you lie to your partner you deserve to pay a price. But looking back now I can see how unhealthy and cruel my ex's way of dealing with me could be. I was wrong to withdraw and I should have had the courage to always be open and honest ... .but I started hiding things because I was afraid of my ex's temper, and obviously that just made things worse, leading to an escalating sequence of me withdrawing and her raging. Very toxic.

Anyway, all this to say that my ex was anything but quiet. She raged loud and hard at me. So she has no fear of attacking. But she does seem terrified of trying to have a quiet, open, honest conversation. So now that we've started going our separate ways for real, she seems incapable of reaching out and saying things directly. Whenever she worries about being vulnerable, she becomes ambiguous and indirect.