Daughter and daughter-in-law with BPD traits

[Ennea]

We have been in a family crisis for almost 16 months.  BPD traits surface and fade as often as stories change.  There has been much gaslighting, which leaves my husband and me feeling helpless but trying not to be depressed.  These two are in a suddenly symbiotic relationship and play off each other.  We feel sorry for our son and our son-in-law because they appear to be trapped, and now grandchildren are being distanced and/or poisoned against us.  We feel this is the last straw----but is it?  Nothing we say or do seems to help.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Ennea,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad that you joined us!

This is a sad situation you are in with your daughter and dil joining together against you and your husband.  How old are these girls and was this a sudden occurrence? 

What traits of BPD do they each exhibit and have either been diagnosed with the disorder?  The emotional neediness of a pwBPD may dictate a falling out between them in the future.  The best advice I can give is to remain as neutral and validating as you are able so that you can stay connected to your grandchildren.

We have some really good communication tools and informational topics in the right side bar.  Learning not to get into any emotional confrontations can sometimes keep the relationships in tact enough to weather the storms.

lbj

[Ennea]

The DIL is 30, and our daughter is 39.  They joined forces against us because we know too much about a situation in which they are both involved against another family member.  So many lies have been told, especially by our daughter, that neither of them can face us or some other family members.  I agree that they might eventually clash themselves, but right now they are blocking our contact with the grandchildren.  Do we tell all we know or do we let them continue to be arrogant and bully us into begging for the grands?

[Huat]

Hello Ennea and welcome!

None of us like to be caught in the middle of a dispute because both sides have a story... .but... .if one side is obviously dysfunctional, more thought has to go into stepping forward.   If in the situation you refer to, there is another innocent person who is in need of validation... .well, ya gotta listen to your heart.  What is the right thing to do?  The ultimate weapon is being used against you already... .the blocking of contact with your grandchildren.

My husband and I have suffered from a "smear campaign" orchestrated by our daughter.  We saw her do it to other people... .and then it was our turn.  We have had her present husband (and the previous one) come to us many times telling how much he wants this estrangement to end but his hands are tied.  If he makes waves, the tide can turn on him, too... .and I have no doubt that will happen anyway.

Regarding your precious grandchildren, you should try to work with all the tools at your disposal (suggestions to the right of these posts) to keep communication flowing.  With that said, if nothing works (and it hasn't with us), then you will have to step back and have great patience that eventually your grandchildren will see past the dysfunction of their parents and reach out to their grandparents.  Learn to take the "high road" and do not paint yourselves as victims (even though your hearts are breaking).  Accepting the role of victim only validates your daughter/daughter-in-law's actions. 

Hope you can get comfort in knowing... .you are not alone.