A little trick to get over the ex

[NCEA]

To get my fix.  A few times she wrote me "I see that you were online" etc, she was doing the same to me.

And a borderline, someone without a fully formed self of their own, mirrors someone to attach yes, and once attached will take the good they see in someone, the traits that inspired them to attach in the first place, and make them their own, to complete them, to create one person out of two by psychically fusing, at least in their head, as unstable as that is.

This was very true in my experience with my x. She adopted the core things that made me who I am as her own. At the time it seemed loving. Later, when she blamed me for destroying her life because she made that choice, I was angry. Now, I just find the whole thing creepy.

For others here, what are your emotions behind cyberstalking or poking your ex?

For me, the cyberstalking that I've done is to get my "fix." It was intended to help curb the withdrawal symptoms that stem from the devaluation. Honestly though, it's had the opposite effect each time. I was left feeling worse and had stronger urges to contact her.

I think that I also wanted to know that she was missing me. I never got that impression at all!

[HurtinNW]

For me, the cyberstalking was to reduce my own co-dependent fears of loss. It has been a way of checking to see yes, he is still there. My ex always gave me the silent treatment after breaking up with me, erasing me like I don't exist, and that was true for the final break up. So I have checked in part because of the pain of being shunned and vanished like that.

This will sound petty, but it is honest: it also helped me see that my ex is still making a huge mess of his life. It helps me see that it wasn't my fault, he is obviously on his own journey and if I was in relationship with him all the same stuff would be happening.

But like others I have found the reminders also bring up pain. I try to be compassionate to myself when I check up on him via social media. He doesn't know I do it. I'm finding I do it less over time, and it hurts less.

Despite his self-pitying posts, I also don't get the impression my ex misses me at all. It's all about him, all the time.

[NCEA]

No doubt part of me will be "happy" to see how she keeps messing her life up. I begged her to take on CBT, she found a place but then never went with it. I do believe she can "decide" to be on her best behaviour if she wants to. Not cheat, be nice and kind to her partner etc. But then after some time, in the every day... .without therapy and a partner who knows who she is, it will fall apart.

[NCEA]

By the way, do you think it's better to just block her on whatsapp and delete the number / chat?

We're not FB friends I unfriended her in the last round and we didn't become friends again this time around.

To block, or just delete the chat and ignore?

[HurtinNW]

I think it just depends on what feels healthiest for you. I unfriended my ex but didn't block him anywhere. He could still call or email or message me, but I know he won't, and if he did I feel I could ignore it. The way my mind works, if I blocked I would then get obsessed with wondering if he had tried to contact me!

Some reasons members block: ex won't leave them alone, ex is manipulating or love or hate bombing, they are afraid of recycling and need the distance.

Some reasons members don't block: ex isn't a nuisance, they have some degree of contact (such as kids together) and are communicating, they are leaving the door open to a recycle, they are not comfortable with cutting people off.

It should be about what helps you, not punishing the ex.

Hope that helps!   

[NCEA]

Thanks. I know it's childish to block.

What happened is that today, during our last convo, I asked her about her ex, the one she dumped me for. I asked her what happened between them. She said she was totally in love with him but he rejected her. She said he was verbally violent with her.

That really pissed me off. So she was in love with some jerk, who rejected her, which is probably why she was so in love with him AND he was violent... .and she doesn't want me, who was so nice to her for all these months.

Freaking crazy.

So now I'm pissed off and just want to block her out of my life as form of a childish revenge.

And to think that just two weeks ago we had sex for the first time since August.

Insane.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks. I know it's childish to block.

What happened is that today, during our last convo, I asked her about her ex, the one she dumped me for. I asked her what happened between them. She said she was totally in love with him but he rejected her. She said he was verbally violent with her.

That really pissed me off. So she was in love with some jerk, who rejected her, which is probably why she was so in love with him AND he was violent... .and she doesn't want me, who was so nice to her for all these months.

Freaking crazy.

So now I'm pissed off and just want to block her out of my life as form of a childish revenge.

And to think that just two weeks ago we had sex for the first time since August.

Insane.

I know it's childish to block.

It depends what the goals are.  If, for example, the goal is to create an empowered future, the life of your dreams, one without her in it if she isn't part of the dream, and I'm talking dream, not fantasy, dreams can become reality with focus and work, fantasies stay fantasies, if she isn't a part of that future you're creating, then communicating with her, having sex with her, asking her about other men she's been with, getting pissed off, all of that is still emotional entanglement with her, and if you don't yet have the self control to not do that, then blocking every possible channel of communication may make total sense, if you're focusing on what's the best way to create that empowered future.  It's childish to block, or it's you taking control of your life, depending how you look at it.

[NCEA]

Ok. What I just did is deleted her contact from my phone. Can't whatsapp stalk her unless I google her phone number (it's online unfortunately) and save it as a contact again, and then look her up on whatsapp... .So a lot of effort to make new contact.

Thanks. I know it's childish to block.

What happened is that today, during our last convo, I asked her about her ex, the one she dumped me for. I asked her what happened between them. She said she was totally in love with him but he rejected her. She said he was verbally violent with her.

That really pissed me off. So she was in love with some jerk, who rejected her, which is probably why she was so in love with him AND he was violent... .and she doesn't want me, who was so nice to her for all these months.

Freaking crazy.

So now I'm pissed off and just want to block her out of my life as form of a childish revenge.

And to think that just two weeks ago we had sex for the first time since August.

Insane.

I know it's childish to block.

It depends what the goals are.  If, for example, the goal is to create an empowered future, the life of your dreams, one without her in it if she isn't part of the dream, and I'm talking dream, not fantasy, dreams can become reality with focus and work, fantasies stay fantasies, if she isn't a part of that future you're creating, then communicating with her, having sex with her, asking her about other men she's been with, getting pissed off, all of that is still emotional entanglement with her, and if you don't yet have the self control to not do that, then blocking every possible channel of communication may make total sense, if you're focusing on what's the best way to create that empowered future.  It's childish to block, or it's you taking control of your life, depending how you look at it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok. What I just did is deleted her contact from my phone. Can't whatsapp stalk her unless I google her phone number (it's online unfortunately) and save it as a contact again, and then look her up on whatsapp... .So a lot of effort to make new contact.

Nice NC, sounds like proactive progress.  Now you get to deal with the stalking urges, which are the worst at the beginning and only get easier to deal with as time goes on, and you can help yourself by consciously focusing on that bright future.  What does that look like?

[NCEA]

I don't know if you read my other posts. Tomorrow another girl I'm involved with is coming back from her vacation, we are practically a couple. As soon as she gets here it will be much easier. I miss this girl and she's about 100 times healthier than my ex, I'm half falling in love with her already. So it looks good.

Ok. What I just did is deleted her contact from my phone. Can't whatsapp stalk her unless I google her phone number (it's online unfortunately) and save it as a contact again, and then look her up on whatsapp... .So a lot of effort to make new contact.

Nice NC, sounds like proactive progress.  Now you get to deal with the stalking urges, which are the worst at the beginning and only get easier to deal with as time goes on, and you can help yourself by consciously focusing on that bright future.  What does that look like?

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know if you read my other posts. Tomorrow another girl I'm involved with is coming back from her vacation, we are practically a couple. As soon as she gets here it will be much easier. I miss this girl and she's about 100 times healthier than my ex, I'm half falling in love with her already. So it looks good.

Does this new girl know you had sex with your ex 2 weeks ago?  If that's where you are right now, bouncing from one relationship to the next, no worries, no judgment, just curious if this new girl fits into any long-term plans.