What do they do with the good memories of us?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm still having trouble understanding how they move on so quick to someone new and never look back (at least in my exBPDs case)

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm still having trouble understanding how they move on so quick to someone new and never look back (at least in my exBPDs case)

[once removed]

hi SoMadSoSad 

yes, this is one of the hardest things to deal with, and its not easily understood. it really does a number on you. i remember being in a pretty dark place, asking my friends and family "does she even THINK of me?".

there are some answers pertinent to the disorder that make this no less painful, but easier to understand.

1. people with BPD form insecure attachments. suffice to say they do not attach in a "normal" way, nor do they detach in a "normal" way. in general, they do not experience the relationship in the same way that we do.

2. people with BPD often have finely honed compartmentalization skills.

3. people with BPD have issues with object permanence. the memories, the feelings associated with them, are hard to recall when we are not in sight.

4. it may depend on the circumstances of the breakup. if shame is involved, there are all sorts of defense mechanisms that protect against feeling it.

5. its not always true that they never look back. my ex gave me this impression, then i discovered she was getting into my email late at night. thats not always the case, and it did not mean my ex was having second thoughts.

suffice to say, what gives us this impression, and the extent to which it is reality, is all based on finely honed defense mechanisms. again, this makes this no less painful, but easier to understand, and learning about the disorder helps to depersonalize the painful actions.

have a look at Susan Anderson's five stages of abandonment here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154676.0

where do you see yourself in these five stages?

[SoMadSoSad]

hi SoMadSoSad 

yes, this is one of the hardest things to deal with, and its not easily understood. it really does a number on you. i remember being in a pretty dark place, asking my friends and family "does she even THINK of me?".

there are some answers pertinent to the disorder that make this no less painful, but easier to understand.

1. people with BPD form insecure attachments. suffice to say they do not attach in a "normal" way, nor do they detach in a "normal" way. in general, they do not experience the relationship in the same way that we do.

2. people with BPD often have finely honed compartmentalization skills.

3. people with BPD have issues with object permanence. the memories, the feelings associated with them, are hard to recall when we are not in sight.

4. it may depend on the circumstances of the breakup. if shame is involved, there are all sorts of defense mechanisms that protect against feeling it.

5. its not always true that they never look back. my ex gave me this impression, then i discovered she was getting into my email late at night. thats not always the case, and it did not mean my ex was having second thoughts.

suffice to say, what gives us this impression, and the extent to which it is reality, is all based on finely honed defense mechanisms. again, this makes this no less painful, but easier to understand, and learning about the disorder helps to depersonalize the painful actions.

have a look at Susan Anderson's five stages of abandonment here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154676.0

where do you see yourself in these five stages?

4

[HurtinNW]

I remember my ex telling me how he was telling friends how I never listen to him, he couldn't tell me anything without me jumping down his throat... .all these depictions of me as a horrible person who never listens. I asked, quite calmly, about the times I was a good listener, and I gave some very specific examples.

He replied he was frustrated with me, and had "forgotten" those memories.

It was an insight to me that the times he was painting me black he literally did not remember the good memories.

Since our final break-up I have been painted completely black. I would guess he only remembers all the times he thinks I was awful.

As once removed says, it is very painful. It can feel like you have been erased, all the good stuff about you. But it lets them move on however they are moving on.

One of the traits of BPD is black/white thinking. Someone is either all good or all bad. Once you have been put into the bad category you are seen as all bad, and that makes it easier for them to discard you. That doesn't mean they are without feeling or good traits. Often there is a huge amount of pain under there, and this is how they manage that pain.