Should you wish them happy birthday?

[codes316]

Basically been in No Contact. I was thinking despite being painted black that maybe they feel better about themselves if they were wished happy birthday?

[once removed]

hi codes316 

im not sure theres a right or wrong answer here. can you elaborate on the circumstances of being painted black and being in no contact?

[bAlex]

I say don't do it.

[codes316]

hi codes316 

im not sure theres a right or wrong answer here. can you elaborate on the circumstances of being painted black and being in no contact?

Hey once removed,

She cut off the relationship like a typical pwBPD does- very abruptly with no real answer or response backing her actions up. She didn't even feel guilt until I told her how much she hurt me. She didn't want to communicate with me at all after it was all over. In fact, every time I did she reacted like I was the worse person in the world. I eventually went into NC for a good 4-5 months and she sent a text the other day saying: "Hello?". It be nice to hear from her and stuff, but she did hurt me a lot.

[once removed]

did you wind up replying?

its complicated... .she had expressed a wish for no contact, but she has reached out since, so "happy birthday" is appropriate in those circumstances.

I was thinking despite being painted black that maybe they feel better about themselves if they were wished happy birthday?

is this what motivates you to tell her happy birthday?

[sweet tooth]

If she initiated, and then broke, NC I would say whatever you decide is acceptable. I recommend that you think about what you want to accomplish and the possible consequences.

[findingmyselfagain]

You could, but what would it accomplish if you have already seen that a relationship is destructive? My short story is that I fell in love fast and was engaged in 4 months and then she went out with a co-worker just a few days after the WEDDING SHOWER. She ended it abruptly not too long after that and I found out she started dating that co-worker... .probably saw him while we were still technically engaged. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happened, found out about BPD, made friends with a BPD blogger and that friend helped me to write my ex a letter. My exfiance responded immediately and was friendly at times, but then she wouldn't respond at all for weeks. I finally recognized after she went off the deep end on me that her reactions were not based on my actions or a reality experienced by me. She was just that out of touch with reality. I'm sad that she probably goes through a lot of pain, but I can't save her or anybody else.

Now I wish I would have recognized sooner that I wouldn't want a friend to be treated like I was treated, and should have called it off myself. Your experience could be different, and maybe being friendly isn't bad in itself, but in this case how could it help? It's a sad situation, but there's so much more to life to live.

[codes316]

did you wind up replying?

Yeah, but the answer I gave wasn't great. I told her I had a new phone, So, I didn't know who this was (Even though I did know who it was).

[once removed]

well, that sends a pretty clear message if thats what you were intending... .wishing her a happy birthday might confuse things further.

what are your goals with her?

[codes316]

You could, but what would it accomplish if you have already seen that a relationship is destructive? My short story is that I fell in love fast and was engaged in 4 months and then she went out with a co-worker just a few days after the WEDDING SHOWER. She ended it abruptly not too long after that and I found out she started dating that co-worker... .probably saw him while we were still technically engaged. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happened, found out about BPD, made friends with a BPD blogger and that friend helped me to write my ex a letter. My exfiance responded immediately and was friendly at times, but then she wouldn't respond at all for weeks. I finally recognized after she went off the deep end on me that her reactions were not based on my actions or a reality experienced by me. She was just that out of touch with reality. I'm sad that she probably goes through a lot of pain, but I can't save her or anybody else.

Now I wish I would have recognized sooner that I wouldn't want a friend to be treated like I was treated, and should have called it off myself. Your experience could be different, and maybe being friendly isn't bad in itself, but in this case how could it help? It's a sad situation, but there's so much more to life to live.

Wow, thank you for posting that. I really don't know what I want- I'm in a new relationship and I feel like I'm finally starting to get to a better place. It would be nice to stay friendly with her, but I feel like thats one step in become her "white knight" again; which is definitely not something I want to do again.

[codes316]

what are your goals with her?

To see where she is in life (if she's changed at all)- maybe head into a direction of becoming friends with her. I'm starting to arrive at a place where whatever she says or does it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm finally getting to the point of becoming neutral with her.

Though, the text will definitely put me out there because I have say "I remember who this is... .and then happy birthday".

[once removed]

Though, the text will definitely put me out there because I have say "I remember who this is... .and then happy birthday".

any other form of contact you can use?

[codes316]

any other form of contact you can use?

No, I deleted her off of every social media. I could leave a audio message- its like a voicemail, but it shows whether she heard it or not.

[Meili]

To see where she is in life (if she's changed at all)- maybe head into a direction of becoming friends with her.

What's your motivation for this? Why would you want to be friends with someone who damaged you?

I guess that you could always be old school and put a card in the mail.

[Fie]

Hello codes316,

I would definitely say NO.

In my eyes, the only healthy way to deal with a break up, is cold turkey (NC). Otherwise, at least one of the 2 persons risks to get hurt.

When BPD is involved ... .this counts even  more. Your message  will come across as veeeery double. If you value the life and the relationship you are having  now, it's a definite no if you ask me.

[joeramabeme]

did you wind up replying?

Yeah, but the answer I gave wasn't great. I told her I had a new phone, So, I didn't know who this was (Even though I did know who it was).

Hi Codes316

This question about birthdays seems to frequently come up on the boards.  It is a confusing one because we are faced with the internal dilemmas that got us here to begin with.  As others have said, I think the most important thing is to determine what your motivation is and what do you want from replying. 

Given that you have sent this response stating that you "dont know who it is", even though you do; it is very likely that she knows you know.  pwBPD are very in-tune with other peoples feelings; a form of hypervigilance that serves as self-protection.  Whatever you decide, just be aware of this tidbit as you don't want to seem disingenuous or play into her fears that you are untrustworthy.

FWIW, I had the same issue in February of this year and I did send a card.  There was no response and I was OK with that.  My motivation, at the time, was that I still loved her and wanted to wish her well.

There is no "right" answer.  Try to find your intuitive-center about your motivation for responding and act accordingly with the understanding that she has a disorder and there is no telling how that might show up in light of your birthday wish or lack thereof.

JRB

[neverloveagain]

Give them a knife and let them stab you in the back for the 307th time. Stay nc save yourself and build a new healthy life.

[Peterpan]

Well it was me who did the discard after lots of very bad drama and heartache. He never charmed but saw him passing on the road and he smiled,  i couldn't react, I was too hurt at the time, still missing him. I sent a short msge on his b/day trying to apologise for that and some of the things I'd said. I got a ... .fu%ck off, leave me alone a few days later. Surprisingly it didn't hurt, I saw him for what he is, it gave me some real closure which I hadn't felt in months. He needed to have the last word.

Spoke briefly by accident thru work since, lots of awkward silences in between but I wished him well and said goodbye... .last word for me. That bit hurt but allowed me some clarity to be able to move on.

I tried making amends with the msge but  he couldn't be mature enough to accept it... .his loss not mine.

[itgirl]

After months of no contact I sent her a happy bday two weeks ago.  Had a brief exchange over text.  She then tried to call and I ignored.  The next day she again phoned and I ignored.  She then sent a message to please call her.  I didn't pick up, I didn't reply.  I have my power back.

I say if you are strong enough not to fall back in the cycle it is OK to say happy bday.  But if you are not over it then hell NO!

[KarmasReal]

Interesting question,

I have a couple of questions for you to think about. Number one, are you really telling her happy birthday and wanting a friendship only? Look at the definition of a friendship it's TWO people who meet each other's needs through a relationship. It's basically like a romantic relationship except platonic. Do you believe you can achieve this with your ex who has BPD? Number 2, if you are actually thinking about more than friendship with your ex, you have to admit that's what you want, otherwise you are lying to yourself, if you lie to yourself you could end up back in a relationship where you were hurt badly, do you believe? If this is your intention, the outcome would be different this time?