Not an abusive or angry relationship

[Raspberry]

My boyf with BPD was never accusing, angry, violent or put me down. He was always loving and caring, just didnt feel able to have a relationship as it scared him too much and he wants to get himself better. I am still hurt and confused as told i was the love pf his lifenonly to be tossed away.

I am stay in strong and not making contact and neither is he. Maybe he thinks I'll wait for him but I cant put myself through this pain and heartache any longer.

From what I've read on here, many of your relationships were destructive so I feel a bit alone and that its harder to get over when it was still so lovely  

[heartandwhole]

Hi Raspberry,

You are not alone. The pwBPD I fell in love with was also very kind, loving, and self-aware. He was in therapy and working hard on his issues. He never raged at me, never put me down, was always respectful, etc.

Despite all that, our relationship spiraled into something that became destructive to me. I became a very volatile trigger for his traumatic memories and my own co-dependent patterns became so extreme that my health suffered and I was an emotional wreck. The relationship was also heavily based on a fantasy of you+me on a desert island-type thing. Very unhealthy.

Since my breakup I've come to believe that extreme feelings of attachment and intensity in a romantic relationship are red warning flags. I now want a calmer and more stable relationship with someone, where we share similar values and where love can grow from a foundation of trust and friendship. 

What do you want in your next relationship Raspberry?

heartandwhole

[patientandclear]

I get it.  I had the same experience.  My ex wBPD does his raging and plays out his reactions internally, and there was no overt disparagement.  Or rather, there was the slightest seeping out at the edges that he was obviously working overtime to control and prevent me from seeing.

I think he decided a long time ago that displaying his emotions costs him, so he stopped.  And so yes, a surface read is that it was all lovely.

I got to know him a lot better after the breakup.  And found that his feelings were always more complicated, he just did a good job of concealing them. He had trained himself over the years to hide his feelings, especially anger, as bad things happened when he got angry (originally with his parents, I expect, and later, with partners and friends).  So he just sat on it or took "breaks" but did not communicate it until it was at a level where he could no longer do that, at which point he broke up.  At no time did he give me a chance to understand what was upsetting him and respond.  He did not believe that I would respond to his real feelings, I think is what was really going on.

I agree it may make it harder to process the end of these r/ships when there was no overt abuse or cruelty.  It's a giant shift in what we thought was reality.  I'm sorry.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Raspberry-

I'm sorry you're feeling alone, although really you're not, we're here. 

You ended up at bpdfamily for a reason, and you say your bf was loving and caring; did he exhibit traits of the disorder that led you here?  Lots of folks are 'afraid of intimacy', kind of an overused term, but there could be a few reasons:

He has a personality disorder, in which case he may not be afraid of intimacy, he just gets triggered when he gets close to someone.

He's been hurt before, and is protecting himself.

The vibe between you, and the way the two of you communicate, is not such that he feels emotionally safe with you.  Don't interpret that in a way that you did something "wrong", it takes two people to create a vibe, and it is what it is.

He didn't want to be with you and didn't have the courage to break up with you directly, so he blamed himself and said he was scared as a way out.

I don't know the answer, those are just possibilities that came to mind.  Could it be one of those, or is there another? 

[Raspberry]

Hi Raspberry,

You are not alone. The pwBPD I fell in love with was also very kind, loving, and self-aware. He was in therapy and working hard on his issues. He never raged at me, never put me down, was always respectful

heartandwhole

Thank you heartandwhole. Exactly this, he is in therapy and fully committed to working on his issues. I think he hopes to be together when he is better. He says he can't be with me when he can't love himself and he is focusing on himself so I am getting the silent treatment. This has already happened once before then he begged for me back. The foolish part of myself still hopes for us as it was special but I can't put myself through this anymore. I was prepared to support him through anything and his illness still pushed me away. I don't believe I'll ever find love like that again, someone who was so accepting of my own issues  I feel unloveable. I don't think he even realises the pain he has caused.

[Raspberry]

Hi Raspberry-

I'm sorry you're feeling alone, although really you're not, we're here. 

You ended up at bpdfamily for a reason, and you say your bf was loving and caring; did he exhibit traits of the disorder that led you here?  Lots of folks are 'afraid of intimacy', kind of an overused term, but there could be a few reasons:

He has a personality disorder, in which case he may not be afraid of intimacy, he just gets triggered when he gets close to someone.

He's been hurt before, and is protecting himself.

The vibe between you, and the way the two of you communicate, is not such that he feels emotionally safe with you.  Don't interpret that in a way that you did something "wrong", it takes two people to create a vibe, and it is what it is.

He didn't want to be with you and didn't have the courage to break up with you directly, so he blamed himself and said he was scared as a way out.

I don't know the answer, those are just possibilities that came to mind.  Could it be one of those, or is there another? 

Thank you for your insight. I am his first relationship, the first girl who he has ever taken home to meet his dad. Hard to believe I was staying with him this time last week. The fall is hard and fast and I wish I never fell for his charm  I honestly think he does want to be with me but this illness is evil

[Raspberry]

I get it.  I had the same experience.  My ex wBPD does his raging and plays out his reactions internally, and there was no overt disparagement.  Or rather, there was the slightest seeping out at the edges that he was obviously working overtime to control and prevent me from seeing.

I think he decided a long time ago that displaying his emotions costs him, so he stopped.  And so yes, a surface read is that it was all lovely.

I got to know him a lot better after the breakup.  And found that his feelings were always more complicated, he just did a good job of concealing them. He had trained himself over the years to hide his feelings, especially anger, as bad things happened when he got angry (originally with his parents, I expect, and later, with partners and friends).  So he just sat on it or took "breaks" but did not communicate it until it was at a level where he could no longer do that, at which point he broke up.  At no time did he give me a chance to understand what was upsetting him and respond.  He did not believe that I would respond to his real feelings, I think is what was really going on.

I agree it may make it harder to process the end of these r/ships when there was no overt abuse or cruelty.  It's a giant shift in what we thought was reality.  I'm sorry.  

Thank you xxx

[C.Stein]

You are not alone. The pwBPD I fell in love with was also very kind, loving, and self-aware. He was in therapy and working hard on his issues. He never raged at me, never put me down, was always respectful, etc.

I can say the same about my ex.  In general everything you outlined above is also true about my ex, with exception to working hard on her issues and being self-aware (at least on a consistent basis).  This is however in general and at a very superficial level.  Subtle things she did and said throughout our relationship showed a fundamental lack of respect and caring, even if on the surface she did show respect and caring.  

Raspberry, this has generated a lot of self-doubt in me post trash bin as it has you.  It is hard to reconcile what has happened with that wonderful person we fell in love with because it just doesn't seem to fit what we believe, or more appropriately want to believe.  Thing is, that wonderful person is a facade used to secure an attachment.  Once the attachment is secured the facade starts to thin or fail altogether.  This is not saying that our respective exs don't possess these qualities just that the over expression of them, which is typical during idealization, isn't an accurate representation of their true selves.

I will add that in my experience it takes at least a year to get to know someone and to live together for a period of time after that first initial year (or so) to really get to know them.  Even then, sometimes you will be faced with a stranger one day and be left wondering who you have been with this whole time.

[insideoutside]

My boyf with BPD was never accusing, angry, violent or put me down. He was always loving and caring, just didnt feel able to have a relationship as it scared him too much and he wants to get himself better. I am still hurt and confused as told i was the love pf his lifenonly to be tossed away.

I am stay in strong and not making contact and neither is he. Maybe he thinks I'll wait for him but I cant put myself through this pain and heartache any longer.

From what I've read on here, many of your relationships were destructive so I feel a bit alone and that its harder to get over when it was still so lovely  

Neither was my friend; he got antsy at times but no full blown rage; he has a gentle soul.  It's very sad and confusing x

[steelwork]

Raspberry, chiming in to say me too, you are not alone. My r/s was hardly smooth sailing, for a variety of reasons, but as with patientandclear and others here, he hid the worst aspects of his disregulation.

Complicating matters, like your bf, he did talk openly about many aspects of his instability--that I put him in "trauma mode," that he was afraid of identifying me with his mother, that he had panic attacks as a result of our intimacy, etc. I THOUGHT I knew the extent of it, but he secretly started seeing someone else, and once that r/s was in place, he turned on me with sudden and terrifying anger, and I learned that his experience of the r/s was incredibly different than what I convinced myself it had been.

I don't like to compare my situation to others here... .he wasn't overtly abusive in the r/s, it was relatively short, and we didn't live together or have kids, so all in all I have to say I dodged a bullet. At the same time, I know what you mean about feeling like the fact that he was in love or acting in love and not attacking me until the end makes it harder to detach.