BPD Breakup vs Normal Healthy Break up?

[Mars22]

Guys, I'm curious. I've been reading so much about what BPD break up is like but, perhaps I'm forgetting what a *normal / healthy* break up is suppose to be like?

The lines are starting to blur for me. Any insights would be helpful.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mars22,

Speaking from my own experience: every breakup I've experienced has been painful, even when it was a mutual decision. The difference in the breakup with pwBPD was that the relationship stirred up deep wounds from my FOO and behaviors that were unhealthy for me, which caused me to grieve not only the loss of the relationship, but seemingly every perceived (and real) loss that I had experienced as a child. This intensified grief sent me into a depression, the likes of which I had never experienced before.

Today, I am grateful for the experience because it felt like an accelerated course in self knowledge. 

I don't know if there is a recipe for a healthy breakup, but in my book one would involve a respectful parting of ways after having tried one's best to make the relationship work (if it was basically healthy and viable to begin with).

What do you remember about your previous breakups?

heartandwhole

[HoneyB33]

I totally get feeling like this. I have had moments like this in a lot of places of being so jumbled up in this, I've struggled to think about what is normal.

From thinking back to my other breakups I think what is most normal and stands out to me, is that the person I am breaking up with values me. A break up might be for so many reasons, but generally this person still cares about me. And I think in a normal break up, both ppl have tried their hardest for the relationship as well as tried their hardest to keep things from ending.

When it comes to emotions, both ppl are able to say how they feel and there is still a care on both ends for that pain. We're sad to hurt each other. If someone left the other, then they are cautious in how the other person feels in regards to trying to not hurt them. If they have a new relationship, they keep it on the DL until the other person has more time to heal, etc. We tend to avoid feelings of abandonment and rejection in the other person. Letting them know the GOOD about themselves, and generally trying to encourage them in their future as well. And when it comes to the bad in the relationship, there is generally an open dialog where issues can be discussed. A person who is hurt can pour out how they feel, and both ppl look at the situation for how they can grow, heal, and be stronger in their next relationship. Hatred generally only develops in  a relationship when a person is not willing to look at and take responsibility for their actions.

In healthy break-up someone is allowed to be hurt. In BPD break-up all the real feelings are thrown out and displaced, and are replaced with the pwBPD tipping the scale left and right with blame.

In a healthy break-up both ppl try to show their value of the other person. In a BPD break-up they try to make it into a war of devaluing.

In a healthy break-up you're not judged for what you need, or how long it takes you to heal. In a BPD break-up you're ridiculed and punished for what you need, and made to feel less because you have real feelings, and they are cold-hearted. So they want to think they're "better" for their cruelty, rather than take responsibility.

In a normal break-up ppl are not proud of the horrible things they have done, or how they have hurt you! They show remorse. In a BPD break-up the pwBPD tries to justify their actions by trying to think their cold-heartedness somehow makes them better.

In a normal break-up ppl seek to take responsibility for their part to care for the other person, and to grow. In a BPD break-up they project their failings onto you, and deny any need to grow or change.

In a healthy break-up both ppl try to still care for each other. In a BPD break-up the pwBPD tries to force you to feel the rejection and abandonment they are so afraid of, and are usually deserving of for their abusive actions.

In a healthy break-up both ppl accept their part in it. In a BPD break-up the pwBPD tries to flip the entire script. Literally trying to steal your part in all of it, the person who cared, who was a victim of abuse, and is better than this relationship. The pwBPD then goes on to try and act like f*$%&#* Gandhi, Batman, and a martyr to the things YOU suffered in life. Literally trying to act like a 3 yr old putting on someone's clothes they admire. Problem is those aren't clothes--they're your identity. 

[Mars22]

Thank you HoneyB33, I guess I see the differences... However.

"... If they have a new relationship, they keep it on the DL until the other person has more time to heal, etc. ... " So how is different then when our xpwBPD is cheating on us? They hide it in a similar why, no? ... ONly difference is they stay in the relationship and lie... until *we* find out?


heartandwhole -

As for what I recall about my other breakups is, yes - There was some feeling that although we are parting ways, we were honest with each other about certain specific issues, i guess. Maybe we 'were too different or wanted different things"; or have different lifestyles... etc. But, all these differences are kinda like what I'm feeling now after dating my pwBPD. As — We are different, have different lifestyles. See my dilemma? I guess she just has no respect for me to allow for a *good* ending.

They are all painful for sure but, I can't recall i ever dating somebody when the end came, being blind-sided by somebody who had accumulated so much hate for me. I know its the disorder but... i guess I'm ruminating about a different ending after being NC for 2.5 months... .hoping she will come around like all my other exes have in the past. Most of them; breakups, I'd end up seeing them again and we'd smile exchange hellos like civil people and quickly catch up... and maybe we'd go for dinner months later if we were both still single.

I'm probably going to see my exwBPD tomorrow because I'm going a bar with friends to watch the NBA finals... its the bar we met at... one she still avidly goes to where, i backed off going. I wonder how that will go. I'm tempted to say hello and test the waters,.

[HoneyB33]

Cause in healthy relationships ppl don't cheat on each other. You might decide that you want to be with someone else, but you handle that in a way that respects your current partner. You don't go cheating on them, hiding it because you're trying to decide who will be more controllable, and then if your partner finds out, blame them, discard them, and rub their face in your "happiness".

Haha, maybe that example isn't the best. I just meant by all of it that if a recent ex partner was getting with someone else, then they would be considerate of the fact of how their ex would feel. They wouldn't be trying to hurt them with it, but would be trying to not hurt them.

[KarmasReal]

This is a great question. I wish I really knew the answer. I guess what made this break up different then others is the cruel and uncaring nature of it. I've had horrible break ups, involving, lying, emotional affairs, ghosting even. Some were me some were them. But having my exBPD tell me she was leaving to hang out with her ex sister in law in another city on my birthday, while we were hanging out supposed to celebrate with just me and her. Telling me she wasn't a good person, she didn't love me the way I wanted, she didn't want to spend my birthday with me. Just coldly leaving me standing there and driving off on my birthday, after 1.5 years of being together, loving, talking about moving in, being a figure to her kids. And then boom a night of hanging out with someone you never see or isn't a part of your family, was worth the destruction of everything we had built. I guess that cruelness and uncaring act after two hours earlier us joking, having sex, and being normal, just goes to show how quickly a switch can flip with BPD traits.