My marriage just ended

[atomic popsicles]

For the last few days I was posting about my pwBPD. He became delusional- like he thinks he is being mind controlled. He is using God knows what.

Yesterday I came home at lunch to drop off my 15 year old and he accused her of letting her father in our house. He was yelling and screaming all kinds of stuff but the kicker was he destroyed  my children's bedrooms. Holes in walls that you can see other bedrooms through. Screens busted out. Beds broken. Bookshelves and desk broken. All their belongings dumped and most smashed.

I lost it and told him to get out of my house. He had already been yelling he was leaving. I got a restraining order. I have gotten 2 texts and they both say he never wants to see me again.

The amount of pain is unbearable. I'm so angry at him for making my kids feel unsafe and destroying their stuff. I was packing his clothes today and I am devastated the marriage I was so fighting for is over. I so want the non delusional husband back but he is gone forever. I have no idea how my children and I will financially survive. The hurt is so great that I don't know what to do. I so loved him.

[Herodias]

That is really, really scary. I think you have done the right thing... .he is either using something or has something more than BPD... .could be schizophrenia or something. Maybe you can encourage him to get help. Please use caution and don't agree to see him unless he is in a rehab or mental center. It could mean your life. 

[heartandwhole]

Atomic Popsicles,

I am so sorry to hear this. What a terrible blow to you and your family.   I can really understand your feelings of pain and anger; I'm sure I'd be beside myself with anxiety and hurt.

I'm glad that you drew a line in the sand. That was a strong and brave thing to do for yourself and your children. I'm sorry that things got to this point, but all the work that you have done in the relationship hasn't been in vain. I'm sure it has taught you a lot about yourself and what you need.

Are you at all concerned about your safety atomic? Do you have a good support network of friends and family who can be present for you right now?

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[atomic popsicles]

Thanks for the kind words.

I was very concerned on Wednesday that he was totally flipped out. I'm a little relieved... .he knows about the restraining order and has told his family that he is not coming anywhere near the house and that he won't contest it.

I'm concerned in other ways. This morning he texted me the following: "My phone dies today and I do too". I should probably  try to have him involuntarily committed but that DOES scare me. He would fake it for doctors and be let out in 24 hours... .furious. I sent the text to his family and am leaving it with them in case I get another.

He's on a drug binge of some sort... .his family thinks it will kill him (but won't do anything). I literally told them his funeral wishes today.

And this is how crazy I am: I love him. I don't want to let go or be divorced. I want the husband I had back. I'm wearing his stupid dog tags. How can I love him when he destroyed my kids' rooms and terrified them? I got a 50 B for God's sake. I am so messed up.

I'm 46 years old. I've been divorced once. I didn't want to be divorced again. I can't do this. I was fighting to save my.marriage 3 days ago! I want my non delusional non insane husband back! But that husband is gone. This husband is mean and cruel and destructive. I'm just so sad. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life! I was planning to get old with him!

[Herodias]

Ok, so all of those reasons you stayed at the end are the same exact reasons I stayed. Don't want to be divorced, want him to be how he was, don't want to be alone and I'm 51! Is it worth living the way you're living if he never changes? He won't if you keep enabling him- mine found someone else who will put up with it so he didn't have to change- I'm happier alone now! It takes time to recover. Consider your kids. He's not going to get better if you continue to take the abuse. I talked to a doctor who sent mine into a place to commit himself or be committed. A break for me for a week, two weeks after being back he went right bs k to bad behavior. He has to hit rock bottom to change. There is nothing you can do. Go to Alanon. I hope things get sorted out for you. You will be fine after awhile. Lean on friends and family.