how much communication w/enabling father?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

Having a mother with uBPD and a diagnosed BPD sister has been well, rough. But day by day, I am trying to manage it the best I can. (e.g. when I am heading home in a few weeks, I am not staying at home with my parents, but will figure out an alternative accommodations arrangement).

So—the only person in my immediate family who I have a semblance of a functioning relationship with is my father. He and I generally get along very well, but the one area that just drives me up the wall is how he heavily enables my sister and mother.

He is still living at home with my mother and my sister lives about 15 minutes away, so they are involved in each other's day-to-day lives. Meanwhile, I haven't lived in the area for years.

The last time I spoke with my father on the phone, we had a huge fight—and we only fight when the conversation topic turns to my mother and sister.

I do feel like our relationship is fine except when it has to do with anything about my mother and sister. If I express frustration about not being able to stay at my childhood home, for example—he'll retort with something along the lines of defending them, etc. And the defending/lines about how he doesn't like to "pick on anyone" is tough. I feel like I have to essentially not talk about my mother/sister at all. It's difficult for me.

I am wondering how some of you may have established boundaries/rapport with an enabling parent who definitely has the capacity to have a functional relationship, but not at all around the topic of BPD-affected family members.

I typically talk with my father nearly every day, but I got so frustrated after our last chat, that we have taken a break from communication (not silent treatment) for the last couple weeks.

Thanks, as always—sending all good vibes.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi all,

Having a mother with uBPD and a diagnosed BPD sister has been well, rough. But day by day, I am trying to manage it the best I can. (e.g. when I am heading home in a few weeks, I am not staying at home with my parents, but will figure out an alternative accommodations arrangement).

So—the only person in my immediate family who I have a semblance of a functioning relationship with is my father. He and I generally get along very well, but the one area that just drives me up the wall is how he heavily enables my sister and mother.

He is still living at home with my mother and my sister lives about 15 minutes away, so they are involved in each other's day-to-day lives. Meanwhile, I haven't lived in the area for years.

The last time I spoke with my father on the phone, we had a huge fight—and we only fight when the conversation topic turns to my mother and sister.

I do feel like our relationship is fine except when it has to do with anything about my mother and sister. If I express frustration about not being able to stay at my childhood home, for example—he'll retort with something along the lines of defending them, etc. And the defending/lines about how he doesn't like to "pick on anyone" is tough. I feel like I have to essentially not talk about my mother/sister at all. It's difficult for me.

I am wondering how some of you may have established boundaries/rapport with an enabling parent who definitely has the capacity to have a functional relationship, but not at all around the topic of BPD-affected family members.

I typically talk with my father nearly every day, but I got so frustrated after our last chat, that we have taken a break from communication (not silent treatment) for the last couple weeks.

Thanks, as always—sending all good vibes.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY AINTEASYBEINGGREEN:

It's getting closer to your trip to your home town.

One thing to think about is that not talking about your mom's and sister's bad behavior may be one of your dad's personal boundaries.  Unfortunately, we can't change someone else.  What we can work with is changing the way we interact and react to others and how we handle our emotions.

It sounds like you really love your dad and like to talk to him.  Perhaps just focus on discussing anything but your mom and sister for now.  Maybe you can have some quality father/son time while you are in your home town (away from mom and sis)

The link below is to info. on Radical Acceptance.  You might find it an interesting read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

[Turkish]

Hello ainteasybeinggreen,

I agree with Naughty Nibbler about the RA part. Your dad has his relationships. It's frustrating to see him enmeshed, perhaps, but that's his choice. Focusing on your r/s with him would be more fruitful and beneficial for the both of you.

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Ainteasybeinggreen,

I hear you on this one. It is very frustrating not to get validation or even acceptance on this important issue from your farther. That was one of the tricky hurdles in my recovery. But the solution for me was radical acceptance. And something I needed to revisit and practice until the acceptance became more an instinct.

I know it doesn’t seam the fair way, but it’s the only way I could find that worked. A BPD must win at all cost, why fight to the death, when we are gifted with rational thought and the ability to walk away, let it be. Best of luck.  

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi all,

Thanks for the thoughtful notes, as always. And btw, I am the daughter. :-) This was really helpful to read your replies, as I understand that I can't actively change him or anyone else—but you all hit the nail on the head in terms of recognizing my frustration around feeling like I have no confidants about this situation in the family. (Thanks for seeing me and hearing me on that.)

I will definitely give this article a read later on this evening—thank you for suggesting it!

[Naughty Nibbler]

AINTEASYBEINGGREEN:

Oops, sorry about the gender mix up  .  Guess I shouldn't do any gambling any time soon, .  I took a guess. 

Do you share interests, hobbies or traits with you dad?  Although I wasn't apt to talk on the phone with my dad very often, I did tend to observe him when he did things like work on a car.  Hence, I gained a small measure of his mechanical skills.  I didn't become a mechanic or anything, but I could change out a battery in a car and a few simple things, like assemble things you buy in a box and have to put together.  I've always tried to not be the helpless female.

When my dad passed, I was more interested in taking some of his tools, but my sister focused more on gathering his collection of plaid shirts to make a quilt. 

Hope you share some quality time with you dad, during your home town visit.

[Notwendy]

I know how frustrating it is to see your logical loving parent be illogical when it comes to enabling BPD mom. The drama triangle helped me to understand it. Dad was the rescuer, Mom the victim. Any discussion of her that was less than positive resulted in them seeing me as "persector" ( either together or with dad alone) . Dad would then step in to rescue/ protect mom from my comments.

I agree with the others - RA- their relationship and these dynamics were strong. Try to bond with your dad on other things.

[unicorn2014]

Hi ainteasybeinggreen, I can totally relate. I can't talk to my father about how my mother abused or abuses me, he totally defends her although at other times he has told me how she is hard on him. My mother on the other hand totally complains about my father and when I point out to her that she was never a single parent she tells me how bad he was as a  father when I was a teenager. It is awful. I am currently at a very painful point in my life with my family as they shame me for being a stay at home of a teenager. They want me to abandon her but she still needs my support. They also refuse to get involved in anyway: doctors appointments, illnesses, school events so they shame me for doing that. It is insane. My ex husband is not at all involved in my daughter's life. It is really difficult what I am going through right now. I hope that was helpful or that you could relate.