Do you ever feel that your replecement is better than you?

[lunchbox123]

I'm a young successful entrepreneur, he's a cook in a restaurant. I'm adventurous and assertive, he's never left the continent till they met. I'm smart and I'm from a good family, he's probably never read a book. I have a very good future ahead of me, he's gonna work his ass off 6 days a week to pay the mortgage and go on holiday a week per year.

I wanted to share it with her, give her everything. My love, my life, our future. Yet she couldn't chose me, even though on paper I can give her a much better future.

The reasons is because I think the question we should be asking is, do they feel our replacements are better than us.

In my case the answer is a resounding YES! He's a pushover, he's emotional, he puts up with her ___, she's smarter than him and he doesn't confront her with the reality of her own actions. She can finally be the dominant one and doesn't feel threatened anymore like she did with me.

So now, instead of feeling consequences when she does something, like guilt, embarrassment or disgust, she can just do as if it never happened. Honestly, in some twisted sick way I'm happy for her. She would have been miserable with me and now she can just do her BPD stuff without really feeling bad about it.

[Rayban]

I'm not sure if she has a permanent relationship with a replacement yet, but many orbiters around. In the devalue stage, it seemed like she would break up or not speak for a few days. Probably did it so she could spend time with multiple orbiters. At the end she also mentioned she's done with relationships. Just another way for her to say she needs multiple sources of validation at the same time and a relationship slows her down.

She would mention that there was a guy ''friend'' who she's know for 4 years who would go to her place to play video games. She would bring him up often. She admitted that they had dated early on, but that they decided they were better of as friends. Then she causally mentioned that he came on to her, but she had to turn him down (ie she had sex with him) One night I was at her place and her phone rang she looked at it and let it go to voicemail. 15 minutes later she wanted to show me something on her phone, and went out her way to show me her call log, is name was prominent. He had tried calling her three times over a two hour period. I guess he really wanted to play video games ... .

Looks like this guy has accepted to stay in the background until is number is picked. It also tells me that he is willing to put up with her crap longer then most of the other guys she's been with. That makes him a keeper. In essence I believe I replaced this guy. When she devalued me, I believe she wanted to add me to her stable of orbiters. A guy to call when she needs validation, or to dump her emotional crap on. Perfect arrangement for her. Doesn't have to deal with engulfment. In the mean time she's out seeing random people.

She plays the field. Some are just one night stands. Others run early on when they find out what they are really dealing with. These are the guys that would disappear from her Facebook friend list after a few weeks.    

Ultimately, I believe that my replacement might look different then me, maybe have different interests, or a different career. What we will have in common is that he will also have his own issues for wanting to stick through a toxic relationship, even when everything and everyone is pointing at getting the heck out.

[once removed]

id like to echo Wantingtochange, our self esteem/self worth are not tied to our replacement or our ex's success or failure, just as they arent to anyone else.

i say with confidence, without the skills and tools necessary, our replacements are not in a better position to manage a relationship with someone with BPD.

i also say with confidence, the relationship will be different. it will not be the same as ours, it will not play out the same way as ours. better/worse is subjective. my replacement/ex lasted longer than i did. from the little i gathered it did not sound ideal to me, which is the rub, i think: at the end of the day, my ex and i were incompatible. it took me quite a while, but when that sank in, so did my resolve to be done.

watching the relationship play out keeps us stuck. we arent privy to what goes on behind closed doors anyway. if someone had been watching for signs of my relationship failing, theyd never have seen them.

[BorisAcusio]

She sucks. And deep down, he's settling for an unkind, petty, narcissistic bore. Good for them. And since I kind of hate her, I can't really be sad knowing that in all likelihood he will be incapable of telling her when he's upset, or when problems arise. Instead, he'll grow cold on her and start chatting up some other woman and charm that woman and then, when he has her hooked, dump my replacement in the cruelest possible way. And it will be so much worse for her, because unlike me, she didn't hesitate to jump feet-first into a live-in relationship.

Dehumanizing her takes allot of the blame off of him, doesn’t it? Dehumanizing her also elevates the feeling that you are more valuable and he needs you more than her. Women who are still attached to an ex are often very unkind to the new girlfriend, blithely ignoring the relationship by calling it a “joke,” or responding aggressively against the girlfriend whom the Borderline claims is on her way out.  That’s tag teaming on the drama triangle with victim and rescuer against the persecutor. Unfortunately, this is a game of musical chairs. You will be victimized in the end when you least expect it.

(... .)

This is known as a transformation of aggression against a third party who you perceive to be standing in the way. Not only does this redirect the blame away from him- it also heightens the jealousy felt by you towards the other woman.

(... .)

That anger also involves unfair comparisons with another human being who is more similar to you than you may realize. Not realizing this similarity causes you to remain competitively in play like a chess piece in the disordered thought of a Man who cannot express himself appropriately in actions. You are very useful in that regard to express disdain about her for him. Very useful.

Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*.  This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her.   There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.

[steelwork]

She sucks. And deep down, he's settling for an unkind, petty, narcissistic bore. Good for them. And since I kind of hate her, I can't really be sad knowing that in all likelihood he will be incapable of telling her when he's upset, or when problems arise. Instead, he'll grow cold on her and start chatting up some other woman and charm that woman and then, when he has her hooked, dump my replacement in the cruelest possible way. And it will be so much worse for her, because unlike me, she didn't hesitate to jump feet-first into a live-in relationship.

Dehumanizing her takes allot of the blame off of him, doesn’t it? Dehumanizing her also elevates the feeling that you are more valuable and he needs you more than her. Women who are still attached to an ex are often very unkind to the new girlfriend, blithely ignoring the relationship by calling it a “joke,” or responding aggressively against the girlfriend whom the Borderline claims is on her way out.  That’s tag teaming on the drama triangle with victim and rescuer against the persecutor. Unfortunately, this is a game of musical chairs. You will be victimized in the end when you least expect it.

(... .)

This is known as a transformation of aggression against a third party who you perceive to be standing in the way. Not only does this redirect the blame away from him- it also heightens the jealousy felt by you towards the other woman.

(... .)

That anger also involves unfair comparisons with another human being who is more similar to you than you may realize. Not realizing this similarity causes you to remain competitively in play like a chess piece in the disordered thought of a Man who cannot express himself appropriately in actions. You are very useful in that regard to express disdain about her for him. Very useful.

Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*.  This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her.   There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.

Not sure why my comment was singled out. Did you read my earlier comments on this same topic? OR, like, any of the other comments by people who are much angrier?

Are you aware that I had a preexisting relationship with this person, and that I tried to be mature about her jealousy of me, invite her to coffee, generally be nice to her (way before my ex got together with her), and that she would have none of it?

Please.

[steelwork]

I realize I took the meaning of the original question in a different direction. I guess I was looking it as a basic compatibility issue.

In the sense that my ex was really emotionally volatile and dishonest and Jeckyll/Hyde and a blamer and put me on a pedestal and love bombed me and then decided I was a horrible person with no in-between, in the sense that he's unable to communicate in a mature way and expects other people to safeguard his emotions for him, I don't think anyone is "right" for him. Nope.

But even leaving aside all that, there were problems. He's more conservative about life--meaning, doing things by the book. He's terrified of job instability (despite being incredibly employable), and my preference for scaling back and working less was clearly not something he was comfortable with, even though he claimed he was. He told me his shrink said I was too "bohemian" for him. I think he believed that was true, deep down, even though he expressed interest in all the things I like. We were both veterans of a punk rock scene, but I think he really wanted to put that in his past, though he didn't say so. I could go on. In short, he was so eager to please me that I think he gave me the idea we had more common values than we really do.

In a nutshell: the new woman, though considerably younger, is more conservative. She's also a real high achiever. He played that down with me, but I think it's actually super important to him: being "the best" at stuff.

So I guess I took the question not as a value judgement, exactly. But taking it that way, do I think she's better than me? No way. She sucks. And deep down, he's settling for an unkind, petty, narcissistic bore. Good for them. And since I kind of hate her, I can't really be sad knowing that in all likelihood he will be incapable of telling her when he's upset, or when problems arise. Instead, he'll grow cold on her and start chatting up some other woman and charm that woman and then, when he has her hooked, dump my replacement in the cruelest possible way. And it will be so much worse for her, because unlike me, she didn't hesitate to jump feet-first into a live-in relationship.

So there!

Maybe look at the whole context for that snippet ^^^

[Curiously1]

I think the question we should be asking is, do they feel our replacements are better than us.

In my case the answer is a resounding YES! He's a pushover, he's emotional, he puts up with her , she's smarter than him and he doesn't confront her with the reality of her own actions. She can finally be the dominant one and doesn't feel threatened anymore like she did with me.

So now, instead of feeling consequences when she does something, like guilt, embarrassment or disgust, she can just do as if it never happened. Honestly, in some twisted sick way I'm happy for her. She would have been miserable with me and now she can just do her BPD stuff without really feeling bad about it.

THIS.

It's not that I think the person my BPDexgf is hanging out with is better than me but they compliment each other in a dysfunctional/unhealthy way and why I predict the replacement could last longer with my ex.

When my BPDexgf and I first broke up she tried to get with her friend as the replacement. Now the the friend was obsessed with her, showering her with attention from the start. Basically my BPDexgf and I had some issues we needed to work on and then dumped me because as she put it she didn't feel good enough for me/worthless to me. That fluctuates, when she is devaluing and convinced I am no good for her of course because I am behaving badly (she doesn't like to me called out for her behaviour). But anyway, back to the friend/replacement, their relationship only lasted about 2 weeks because she could not deal with the replacement's 'issues' she said. It's unbareable and can only take her in small doses and then felt regret for her decision in breaking up with me.

When my ex and I got back together, for some reason she still wanted the friend/replacement around and just did not care about how I felt about it. She was angry I could possibly be uncomfortable that she still has her ex in her life but her excuse was that I was being insecure and I should allow her to have a friend (she's friendless in this town) or else I'm being controlling/abusive to her for isolating her. I am sure she is probably really emotionally attached to this one based on common interests and or is benefitting from the ego-boost or both for having an admirer around. She just needs anything to feel good about herself. She wanted everything and just very very selfish.

The replacement is also suicidal and almost killed herself the weekend my ex and I got back together and she needed my ex to be there for her she is her only friend and the replacement is VERY dependent on her. My ex of course declined because she was spending time with me and said that it's all the friends fault if anything happens to her she will blame it on all the other issues she knows about the friend. Yes, unreciproted love doesn't always lead to a suicide but I know that it doesn't help the replacement get any better feeling so low in her position of things and her life and that she is in pain, isolated and dependent on my ex as well.

Either way, it only lasted 2 weeks getting back together with my ex as I continued to uphold my boundaries... This time though, she wasn't afraid to dump me right away a second time and told me that I haven't changed and I won't be changing anytime soon. What that really translates to, I believe is that she is unable to control me and she won't be able to control me anytime soon.

The reason I think the replacement is better suited to her as friend or lover is because the replacement is pretty unhealthy herself. She says that her life = pain and all she know is pain so she's used to abuse ... (what my ex is great at inflicting). She said she will be the greatest friend my ex could ever have and always be around even if she knows my ex cares for her less. She also said that she will always back my ex up even if she knew my ex was wrong, as it doesn't matter to her and is what friendship is all about for her.  So to me, I see the friend as the type of person who would kill for my ex and I guess you could describe as an emotional masochist to herself. She is HOPING for the opportunity for my ex to fall inlove with her and get with her a second time. As she put it, she truly feels lucky to AT LEAST be my exes friend. The replacement I'm sure is happy I'm not in the picture anymore so she can rest assured she has my ex all to herself - for now. I am indifferent to it now and I am glad that I have reached that point. I used to be so so angry about them and had trouble accepting the extra baggage in my life my ex brought to me by not cutting this girl off for me.

Although my ex doesn't want her, what I'm saying is that they are better off together. She will continue to use the girl until she finds a worthy replacement and her friend should know what's coming next for her and still lie to herself that she's ok with it. My ex at some point will discard her or really neglect her but she's just hoping my ex won't find somebody new anytime soon and that just won't happen to her etc. They will continue to this abusive cycle over and over again If the replacement cannot be first she is OK with being second best/the back up each time. It's really sickening and sad but both of them do benefit each other in that way. They are using each other to survive and for strength.

My friends and family describe it like this... my ex doesn't truly want a girlfriend, she wants a pet/a puppet she can control and manipulate and I was definetley a person she struggled to do that too so she had to let me go and make lame excuses as to why she had to let me go. I know she loved me and wanted things to work out and or wants to be with someone like me but at the same time she can't really have that. All she knows is being controlling and abusive and no healthy person is going to put up with that long-term I don't think.

So my ex and the friend are good for each other for now. They are both miserable but help one another cope. I think that's all my ex can get I think. Something dysfunctional every time since she hasn't changed and IS dysfuntional. It just won't last as long with a healthier person and she'd need therapy to get better and to have better I think. I am glad to be out of their way now.

Basically don;t stress if the replacment is better or not, just remember how your ex made you feel and remember what you deserve. The replacement would be experiencing similar things with the ex and should pity them.

[JerryRG]

My exgfs bf is very passive or he would not put up with her, she told me when I was in the hospital with our son that she verbally abuses him and she's mean to him. Today I watched her bf get upset while her and I were talking and he left, she just rolled her eyes and shook her head at me. I've heard from credible sources her bf is an alcoholic and mentally ill and codependent, so this relationship is pretty doomed from the start. He's in the fog I believe and he did get put in jail for beating her up a month or so back. All during the time I was with her the past 4 years she never filed charges on me. I never layed a hand on her and she beat me quite a few times.

I don't care if they get along or beat each other up but tomorrow I'm filing a po to protect my son from her bf. Let the judge review the medical and police records and determine what's best for my son's safety.