Breaking free is perplexing and scary

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everybody!

I guess it's been just as odd for everyone who have ended up here to post for the first time. It certainly is for me. You don't really plan on ending up in a disordered relationship, do you?

I ended my relationship of 10 years with my wife a week ago, after a serious series of events that forced me to report her to the police. This was not our first break-up, but it was the first one that forced me to contact the authorities. This in combination with the fact that she got a diagnosis (after a year of therapy and making the diagnosis) for obsessive compulsive personality disorder combined with clear borderline traits finally opened my eyes to the hard, cold truth about our relationship.

She meets all the telling signs of ocdp: the compulsive need to always be right, anxiety about our relationship/money, need for absolute control and a clear perfectionism in the areas of life that her compulsion applies to. She is also very impulsive and can go from angry to loving and back in a heartbeat, so I suppose that meets a lot of borderline criteria. I'm a bit new to all of the lists for disorders, and as I said she got the diagnosis just 2 weeks ago, which finally got me to look up all of these things. Bear with me if I get confused with the different symptoms etc

While I nearly always felt that there was something wrong about her way of handling arguments and our relationship, I never took the issue seriously enough and always sought fault in myself first whenever a disagreement arose. I felt like "disorders" weren't a real thing in the sense that they could be applied to all people if you wanted to. I have now come to realize the grave error in my views on the use of these terms and labels.

I am a person with a clear "hero-complex", or more softly expressed, I am a caretaker and feel a need to give strength to others who seem to need it. This goes all the way back to my childhood and to my father's cancer and death. My father got cancer when I was 4, and I was left to fend for myself in many ways during the two years he was sick. Afterwards our family broke down, and I had to support my mother who was a wreck at that point. My memories of my childhood are filled with a heavy sense of duty and trying to stay afloat.

I've applied many of the ways from my childhood in my adult relationships and certainly did so in this one. The tendency to take care of any arguments and see fault in myself first did not work well in my marriage, though, as I always hoped for a similar behavior from my wife, but got mostly just the silent treatment or accusations. I have a big need for arguments to resolve amicably and I want to derive as much understanding from them as possible, as this was the way we handled arguments in our family. As this never happened I started to change my own personality over the years and began to develop a verbal temper that I had never had before I turned 30, and certainly have never had in any other relationships romantic or otherwise. This is not to say that I am a saint of any kind, but my bad behavior has taken other forms before this marriage.

We were 4-5 years into our relationship at the point where I started to have instances of screaming or harsh judgments of my wife, and this behavior worried me very much, as I understood that it was atypical and felt very bad. Somewhere around those times we had our first break-up, but my dependency reared it's ugly head and she had me back quite quickly, probably within a week.

Over the years the relationship started to fall apart more and more, and we had two more break-ups, both of which lead us to get separate apartments. The first time we moved back in together after 6 months, the second time we started the first phase of our divorce, but still got back together after 4 months of separation. This was a year ago.

Phew, didn't think I'd end up writing this much, might be a bit excessive for an introduction, but since it feels good to write I hope you don't mind.

In any case, I have never before so fully realized that I lived with a person who had a disorder, and I'm only now starting to realize how much that has had an effect on me. I am also just now starting to come to terms with all the ways I kept up the damaging dynamic myself, and why I haven't been able to get myself out of the spiral despite several tries. I feel like I stand before you as an addict. I'm confusius, and I am a relationship addict. Thanks for hearing me out

[Confusius]

Hi everybody!

I guess it's been just as odd for everyone who have ended up here to post for the first time. It certainly is for me. You don't really plan on ending up in a disordered relationship, do you?

I ended my relationship of 10 years with my wife a week ago, after a serious series of events that forced me to report her to the police. This was not our first break-up, but it was the first one that forced me to contact the authorities. This in combination with the fact that she got a diagnosis (after a year of therapy and making the diagnosis) for obsessive compulsive personality disorder combined with clear borderline traits finally opened my eyes to the hard, cold truth about our relationship.

She meets all the telling signs of ocdp: the compulsive need to always be right, anxiety about our relationship/money, need for absolute control and a clear perfectionism in the areas of life that her compulsion applies to. She is also very impulsive and can go from angry to loving and back in a heartbeat, so I suppose that meets a lot of borderline criteria. I'm a bit new to all of the lists for disorders, and as I said she got the diagnosis just 2 weeks ago, which finally got me to look up all of these things. Bear with me if I get confused with the different symptoms etc

While I nearly always felt that there was something wrong about her way of handling arguments and our relationship, I never took the issue seriously enough and always sought fault in myself first whenever a disagreement arose. I felt like "disorders" weren't a real thing in the sense that they could be applied to all people if you wanted to. I have now come to realize the grave error in my views on the use of these terms and labels.

I am a person with a clear "hero-complex", or more softly expressed, I am a caretaker and feel a need to give strength to others who seem to need it. This goes all the way back to my childhood and to my father's cancer and death. My father got cancer when I was 4, and I was left to fend for myself in many ways during the two years he was sick. Afterwards our family broke down, and I had to support my mother who was a wreck at that point. My memories of my childhood are filled with a heavy sense of duty and trying to stay afloat.

I've applied many of the ways from my childhood in my adult relationships and certainly did so in this one. The tendency to take care of any arguments and see fault in myself first did not work well in my marriage, though, as I always hoped for a similar behavior from my wife, but got mostly just the silent treatment or accusations. I have a big need for arguments to resolve amicably and I want to derive as much understanding from them as possible, as this was the way we handled arguments in our family. As this never happened I started to change my own personality over the years and began to develop a verbal temper that I had never had before I turned 30, and certainly have never had in any other relationships romantic or otherwise. This is not to say that I am a saint of any kind, but my bad behavior has taken other forms before this marriage.

We were 4-5 years into our relationship at the point where I started to have instances of screaming or harsh judgments of my wife, and this behavior worried me very much, as I understood that it was atypical and felt very bad. Somewhere around those times we had our first break-up, but my dependency reared it's ugly head and she had me back quite quickly, probably within a week.

Over the years the relationship started to fall apart more and more, and we had two more break-ups, both of which lead us to get separate apartments. The first time we moved back in together after 6 months, the second time we started the first phase of our divorce, but still got back together after 4 months of separation. This was a year ago.

Phew, didn't think I'd end up writing this much, might be a bit excessive for an introduction, but since it feels good to write I hope you don't mind.

In any case, I have never before so fully realized that I lived with a person who had a disorder, and I'm only now starting to realize how much that has had an effect on me. I am also just now starting to come to terms with all the ways I kept up the damaging dynamic myself, and why I haven't been able to get myself out of the spiral despite several tries. I feel like I stand before you as an addict. I'm confusius, and I am a relationship addict. Thanks for hearing me out

[heartandwhole]

Hi Confusius,



I'm sorry to hear about the end of your marriage, that is so painful, especially after 10 years together, and, it sounds like, a very stressful event last week. I'm so glad that you are here, and decided to post. Don't worry about writing too much—we want to hear your story so that we can better support you through this. 

You are already examining your role in the relationship dynamic and relating your behavior back to your family of origin, which means that you have already started the work that will help things get better. It's a tough journey, but really worth it, and I commend you for being willing to dig deep. That's not an easy thing to do.

A week is not very long, how are you coping, Confusius? Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on during this time?

Welcome again, and do keep writing. As you've noticed, it really helps to let it out. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[joeramabeme]

Hi Confusius

Welcome to the family and congratulations on your first posting!   

It takes courage to break the barrier between observer and participant and the process of healing begins at this point.

In any case, I have never before so fully realized that I lived with a person who had a disorder, and I'm only now starting to realize how much that has had an effect on me. I am also just now starting to come to terms with all the ways I kept up the damaging dynamic myself, and why I haven't been able to get myself out of the spiral despite several tries. I feel like I stand before you as an addict. I'm confusius, and I am a relationship addict.

You know, you sound really centered in your understanding about your marriage and how you played a role in all that happened.  I highlighted this part of your post because it contains an important recognition about how the r/s has changed you.  Many years ago, there use to be an ad for alcoholism recovery on tv that showed a wife trying to pour an alcoholic husbands booze down the drain.  the commercial ended with the following; "you can see how it has changed him, but can you see how it has changed you?".  It was a powerful message that is often overlooked. 

As heartandwhole mentioned, your understanding of FOO history will go a long ways toward healing your present pain and "confusius-on"   

What do you think you need most from BPD Family to help you? Are you still living with your wife?  And are you at a place where you feel safe?  That is, with controlling your own responses.

Best, JRB

[Confusius]

Thank you for the warm welcome! This might be the first time in my life that I'm allowing myself to seek out for a support group of any kind, and it feels great to hear your encouraging words

A week is not very long, how are you coping, Confusius? Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on during this time?

No, everything feels very fresh and recent again, even though I think I'm in a process that I started last year. I left my wife and applied for divorce in June last year, but fell back into the relationship in October. So the week has been very surreal, but the year has been even more so. Thankfully I have a very supportive mother. Even though I wrote that I supported her at a very young age, it was a very mutually supportive relationship even back then, and still is.

What do you think you need most from BPD Family to help you? Are you still living with your wife?  And are you at a place where you feel safe?  That is, with controlling your own responses.

We separated last year as the first stage of our divorce was set in motion. I'm not American, so the system is a bit different around here, I think.

I have my experience from last year to look at, so I'm very set on avoiding the mistakes I made which got me to return to the world of absurdities that was my marriage. Last year I was forced to take care of practical arrangements with her, as well as play mind games with her, as I had not signed a prenup, which meant that there were a lot of mines to be avoided as I am an entrepreneur. Thankfully I managed to steer that process in a direction that was acceptable to me, but my focus was on "practical things" instead of my inner life, thoughts and feelings.

This time we have separate apartments already (we had very slowly started talking about moving in together again), so I have been able to cut her off. Blocked the phone, social media etc. The police report was filed as she stole my keys and refused to give them back, threatening to damage my apartment. She returned them after the incident, but the way she behaved left me feeling vulnerable.

I guess I'm looking to find all info and support possible so that I can be 100% sure I will break the cycle of break-ups. I also wish to understand myself as much as possible, so that I don't repeat any of the mistakes made during the last 10 years. Life is too short for that!

Oh, and if somebody happens to find solace in sharing in my experiences, I'd of course be happy about that too. That's what families are for, though it seems I've half-forgotten about that.

[JQ]

Hello Confucius,

Welcome to the "Group"!  I'm glad that you were able to find us but sorry that you had the need too.  In addition to what the others are saying here, I would recommend the sources at the top of the page and references to the right of the page for further information, insight & education ------------------>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

From what I've read so far you are certainly aware that you are a perfectionist, a Care Giver, the Knight in Amor waving his sword protecting those who can't protect themselves or the Sheriff with the white hat & shining badge riding in to save the day. YOU describe being a Codependent extremely well ... .but are you aware that you are one?

I would also recommend adding the following books to your reading list that you can find at your local library or the internet for Kindles & other tablets. "I hate you, don't leave me", "Stop walking on eggshells" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome".  They will educate you about you and how BPD is a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.   You will learn that you can't control BPD nor should you try. You can't Cure it either. BUT what you can do is learn more about yourself and why you are a Codependent and it sounds as if you already know the answer to that given your family history. I'm truly sorry that you had to grow up so fast after loosing your father.

Because you are a Codependent, I would really seek out a good therapist who is an expert in Codependent & BPD r/s so that they can help you sort out your thoughts, mentions and feelings about all of it and help you become a "Recovering Codependent" as all of us here in the group are.  You are going to learn to LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU!  YOU are going to have to find self worth in YOUR own life and not find it by taking care of someone else or trying to help someone with a Severe Mental Illness.  YOU only get one life and you need to make it a good one.

You need to start taking care of yourself so be sure you're getting out and walking at least a mile before or after work. It really only take s15 minute on a bad day and help reduce the stress and anxiety that you're feeling right now. Be sure that you're eating right because nothing good comes from junk food. Reach out to an old friend you haven't spoken to in a long time to catch up on life, this is good for your soul.  Be sure you're getting enough sleep because you're probably not doing such a good job right now. REM sleep is so important to repairing your mind and body after the day's stresses and prepares it for the next day's challenges.

Continue to come here as often as you need to, but come back as often as YOU want too.  We're pretty anonymous here so feel free to tell us what your comfortable with. It can be somewhat therapeutic to get it off your chest too.

Take a deep breath and let it out slow. Know that things are going to get better ... .they will always get better.

J

[heartandwhole]

I guess I'm looking to find all info and support possible so that I can be 100% sure I will break the cycle of break-ups. I also wish to understand myself as much as possible, so that I don't repeat any of the mistakes made during the last 10 years. Life is too short for that!

Oh, and if somebody happens to find solace in sharing in my experiences, I'd of course be happy about that too. That's what families are for, though it seems I've half-forgotten about that.

Yep. We've got you.    In addition to reading the lessons on the right, here are some links that really helped me when I broke up with pwBPD.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

The site has tons of resources and tools to help, so please dive in when you can. Most importantly, though, the members here can understand what you are going through, so keep posting and don't hesitate to ask questions as they arise. And yes, we will all learn from your experiences, so the support is very mutual.

What kind of self-care are you engaging in Confusius? Have you been able to exercise and get enough sleep? It's so important to keep your physical and mental wits about you at this time.


heartandwhole