How to move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think it's clear that the most important question we can ask ourselves here is "how to move on".

I keep oscillating between NCEA and staying friends. I'm in a very different place now, being after round #2 (or 7, depending on how you count) and with one leg deep in a new relationship.

I feel that in a perfect world the combination of accepting it would NEVER work and not trying to be together again, yet staying in contact and being low contact friends, is ideal.

The reason being, that the biggest hurt that I feel on myself and here on people is this very wide gap between being one moment "together" with someone (soul mates / friends / together / partners / sex) and then on the other side that person just being OUT of our lives completely.

It's going from one extreme to the other, in days / hours / minutes / a phone call. Of course it's hard.

I want to say that ideally (for myself right now) I'd set myself gaps of 2 weeks on checking up on how she's doing. Be kind to her, friendly, supportive, which she would surly reciprocate.

That way you let each other go easy, it just sounds to me like what I'd expect from two adult individuals.

Of course, if she cheated  / left / dumped / hurt / it's not easy. My ego / pride makes me want to go NCEA. But I think that would make things harder.

Anyway, last time I've set NC on a 100 day period, then contacted on about 115. Now I'm setting it on a month and then I'll just swing it. Maybe I'll go NCEA, maybe I'll write her to let her know I'm (hopefully) in a happy relationship and wish her well, and ask how she's doing.

I feel so bad for those here who are in the depression stage. I've been like that for months. And for what? That woman is truly awful. On three different occasions I was offered free food in cafes by the staff (a cake, chocolate etc), them seeing me so sad and depressed. People would see it a mile away. It doesn't make any sense.

[NCEA]

I think it's clear that the most important question we can ask ourselves here is "how to move on".

I keep oscillating between NCEA and staying friends. I'm in a very different place now, being after round #2 (or 7, depending on how you count) and with one leg deep in a new relationship.

I feel that in a perfect world the combination of accepting it would NEVER work and not trying to be together again, yet staying in contact and being low contact friends, is ideal.

The reason being, that the biggest hurt that I feel on myself and here on people is this very wide gap between being one moment "together" with someone (soul mates / friends / together / partners / sex) and then on the other side that person just being OUT of our lives completely.

It's going from one extreme to the other, in days / hours / minutes / a phone call. Of course it's hard.

I want to say that ideally (for myself right now) I'd set myself gaps of 2 weeks on checking up on how she's doing. Be kind to her, friendly, supportive, which she would surly reciprocate.

That way you let each other go easy, it just sounds to me like what I'd expect from two adult individuals.

Of course, if she cheated  / left / dumped / hurt / it's not easy. My ego / pride makes me want to go NCEA. But I think that would make things harder.

Anyway, last time I've set NC on a 100 day period, then contacted on about 115. Now I'm setting it on a month and then I'll just swing it. Maybe I'll go NCEA, maybe I'll write her to let her know I'm (hopefully) in a happy relationship and wish her well, and ask how she's doing.

I feel so bad for those here who are in the depression stage. I've been like that for months. And for what? That woman is truly awful. On three different occasions I was offered free food in cafes by the staff (a cake, chocolate etc), them seeing me so sad and depressed. People would see it a mile away. It doesn't make any sense.

[C.Stein]

I get the desire to hold on, in some ways I still am holding onto my ex.  That said, I don't want to contact her or maintain any type of relationship at this time, or perhaps ever.  Why?  First because I don't need more pain in my life.  Second because I have no room in my life for people that would treat me the way she has.

A good question to ask yourself here is why invest energy and emotions in your ex that would be better put into your current relationship?

[NCEA]

What got me and my ex close is that in many ways we're very very similar. We had many great moments together and I think it's sad to just trash all those moments instead of cherish them. Obviously the most healthy thing to do here is to accept the rejection and move on with a smile, wishing her luck and happiness and good luck in her life, and even offer them support. We all know that.

If your ex was truly evil then no. Mine wasn't very nice but not pure evil, I know she was trying her best.

I get the desire to hold on, in some ways I still am holding onto my ex.  That said, I don't want to contact her or maintain any type of relationship at this time, or perhaps ever.  Why?  First because I don't need more pain in my life.  Second because I have no room in my life for people that would treat me the way she has.

A good question to ask yourself here is why invest energy and emotions in your ex that would be better put into your current relationship?

[C.Stein]

Holding on (in any capacity) isn't really moving on ... .is it?

accept the rejection

I think this is the root of the issue for you.  You are having a hard time accepting the rejection.  You are stuck on this one thing.  How do you think you can move past this so you can move on?

[NCEA]

I do accept it and more than that, I know what an impossible partner she'd make and that, as we'd like to say around here, I dodged a bullet.

In terms of goodness , she doesn't reach the heels of my new girl (this is an expression in Hebrew)

She's expressed to me so many times that she loves me, just not as her "partner" "man", that she looks up to me, I spire her, etc etc etc... .And that she wants to stay friends. After a cool of period I don't see why not.

Holding on (in any capacity) isn't really moving on ... .is it?

accept the rejection

I think this is the root of the issue for you.  You are having a hard time accepting the rejection.  You are stuck on this one thing.  How do you think you can move past this so you can move on?

[C.Stein]

I do accept it and more than that, I know what an impossible partner she'd make and that, as we'd like to say around here, I dodged a bullet.

In terms of goodness , she doesn't reach the heels of my new girl (this is an expression in Hebrew)

If you have accepted the rejection as a partner and believe you have dodged a bullet, what is keeping you stuck?

[NCEA]

The only thing that's keeping me stuck is you keep saying I'm stuck.

I'm here taking out steam. After all it really ended just 4 days ago.

I do accept it and more than that, I know what an impossible partner she'd make and that, as we'd like to say around here, I dodged a bullet.

In terms of goodness , she doesn't reach the heels of my new girl (this is an expression in Hebrew)

If you have accepted the rejection as a partner and believe you have dodged a bullet, what is keeping you stuck?

[once removed]

The only thing that's keeping me stuck is you keep saying I'm stuck.

the title of your thread is "how to move on".

I think it's clear that the most important question we can ask ourselves here is "how to move on".

I keep oscillating between NCEA and staying friends.

what are your goals? is this helping you move on? if not, what are some steps you can take?

[NCEA]

I've met an amazing young girl and for the first time in over 5 years I feel it's someone I'd like to be serious with. So my goal is to try that now. My ex is totally out of the picture in romantic terms. It's over. I do feel free. Sad but also free and hopeful about the new girl.

I wish I could personally introduce her to each of you. Her default facial expression is a smile. We go to sleep huging each other and wake up the same way 8 hours later. I've been with 100 + girls in the last five years and I've never had such comfort with anyone.

Yes the whole story is strange and I've been seeing her while keeping contact with my ex but that's all over now and I'm commited.

I know, it does sound like my ex did the choice for me, and in a way she did. I still wanted it to work with the ex because I felt that what we had, despite the difficulties, was a 15 months love story and that we should have tried it. But she didn't want so it's over and I've changed my attitude for the new girl from "dating" to actually being together.

I'm happy.

The only thing that's keeping me stuck is you keep saying I'm stuck.

the title of your thread is "how to move on".

I think it's clear that the most important question we can ask ourselves here is "how to move on".

I keep oscillating between NCEA and staying friends.

what are your goals? is this helping you move on? if not, what are some steps you can take?

[bAlex]

Dude, if I can take a stab at this, I think that you just want a fair chance with your ex. You saw potential and a future, that she could be your dream girl in spite of her flaws (or perhaps you think you can change those flaws) but she's not willing to give in to that idea completely? And that leaves you in a "what if?" situation.

Correct? I'm guessing here...

Also, have you considered that the source of the trouble with the ex was that it was a long distance relationship?

Anyway, it's like you keep looking back. Your new girl should be getting all of you. If you've truly accepted that it's over with your ex why look back? I'm not judging, it just seems odd to me. Wanting to keep contact seems like a part of you is still attached.

I also dated someone new, she was everything my ex wasn't, in a good way. But as time went by I just ended up missing my ex more and more because subconsciously I was comparing her to my ex. Point is I wasn't ready and I made her miserable.

Perhaps your way around this is to keep low contact with your ex in hopes that the need for contact fades completely over time? Just some thoughts on my part, but perhaps worth considering...

Hope it all works out for you though.

[NCEA]

My new girl is vegan. Vegetarian since she was 10, vegan for two years.

I decided to go vegan for a week, to sympathize with her.

Today she bought me a vegan cookbook and cooked for me dinner.

My ex, in the 15 months we've been in contact, didn't buy me a single gift.

I bought her maybe, in total, two dozen gifts, from books to jewelry, maybe more. Books alone six or seven.

My point is, every single passing day, I see how awful that woman was, and how wonderful my new girl is.

Oh, did I meantion she's 24 and I'm 37 

How to move on was not a question, it was my two cents to others... .I feel awful reading people's posts of depression after being there myself the last time the BPD relationship ended.

Dude, if I can take a stab at this, I think that you just want a fair chance with your ex. You saw potential and a future, that she could be your dream girl in spite of her flaws (or perhaps you think you can change those flaws) but she's not willing to give in to that idea completely? And that leaves you in a "what if?" situation.

Correct? I'm guessing here...

Also, have you considered that the source of the trouble with the ex was that it was a long distance relationship?

Anyway, it's like you keep looking back. Your new girl should be getting all of you. If you've truly accepted that it's over with your ex why look back? I'm not judging, it just seems odd to me. Wanting to keep contact seems like a part of you is still attached.

I also dated someone new, she was everything my ex wasn't, in a good way. But as time went by I just ended up missing my ex more and more because subconsciously I was comparing her to my ex. Point is I wasn't ready and I made her miserable.

Perhaps your way around this is to keep low contact with your ex in hopes that the need for contact fades completely over time? Just some thoughts on my part, but perhaps worth considering...

Hope it all works out for you though.

[steelwork]

Oh, did I meantion she's 24 and I'm 37  

Curious: was your ex's age a problem? Do you not like women your own age?

In any case, now that you're so happily ensconced, I imagine it will stop mattering so much what kind of person your ex was. How detached do you feel, on a scale of 1 - 10?

[NCEA]

My ex was 33. How detached? I'd say 7-8. We texted each other almost daily for 4-5 months and now it's 4 days with NC, so... .It's still strange. But I'm so happy with my new, so who cares? I've been very lucky to have this easy transition.

I guess my original post is about trying to be soft rather than hard. Anger, resentment, hate, all those feelings close you up and make everything worse. Six months ago I wanted my ex dead. It only made the depression so much worse... .

Im saying that NC is an act of defiance. Nobody can claim forgiveness and still be NC. Ill probably not contact her but not out of spite or principle, but simply because I won't care. Then in a few months I'll write, out of courtesy maybe. Who knows.

Oh, did I meantion she's 24 and I'm 37  

Curious: was your ex's age a problem? Do you not like women your own age?

In any case, now that you're so happily ensconced, I imagine it will stop mattering so much what kind of person your ex was. How detached do you feel, on a scale of 1 - 10?

[steelwork]

I would rather have had contact, I guess, but my ex shut that down. I mean, I think it did make it harder to forgive him, to the extent that I have, because... .

I felt like, "Well, okay, dude, you claim you are so happy in your new r/s and that you want to be friends with me now, so why do you need to be abusive to me?" He was really messing with me. And then he ghosted. So it's hard to forgive in that vacuum, you know?

Just rambling.

[steelwork]

Oh, and my replacement is so much younger than him. 28 and 44. It makes me feel awful. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I got kind of hurt when you said that, about how young your new gf is, like that fact alone makes her better than your ex.

Anyhow, 7-8 sounds awesome. Congrats. I'll get there someday.

[NCEA]

When I say contact I mean very short texts, just saying you hope they're doing ok. Not sure how they can abuse you if you keep it that short.

[NCEA]

I'm sorry 

Oh, and my replacement is so much younger than him. 28 and 44. It makes me feel awful. I guess if I'm going to be honest, I got kind of hurt when you said that, about how young your new gf is, like that fact alone makes her better than your ex.

Anyhow, 7-8 sounds awesome. Congrats. I'll get there someday.

[Xstang77]

I'm on the fence about this myself, my BPD ex and I ended a little over a week ago this time worse then ever and she's contacted me 4 times since,although it's most likely just about her in some way. I do wonder if the nc makes you seem bitter and defeated to them or if it's better to just wish good luck, like you say the hardest for me to accept is being so intellectual with someone then just completely nothing.

[C.Stein]

NC is not about them, it is about you and what you need to heal and move forward with your life.  It is also not a hard and fast rule either.

[steelwork]

When I say contact I mean very short texts, just saying you hope they're doing ok. Not sure how they can abuse you if you keep it that short.

First he announced I had been replaced. Then he raged and raged at me and told me how everything was my fault and if I thought I was any kind of victim I could f-- myself. Then he froze me out for a month. Then he got back in touch and said he wanted to be friends. Then, in these little short emails, started indicating in little ways that he still blamed me and was angry at me. So I asked him if he wanted to get together and talk it out. He said he would get back with a time. Then he kept emailing me these passive-aggressive things, like dreams he'd had that were clearly about how badly I'd hurt him. But kept evading the issue of talking things out.

You have to understand that my whole life had come apart. Every part of it. And I was being an incredibly good sport. I spent 2 months in agony, pussyfooting around and trying to be nice and positive with him, while he kept dangling this promise of a talk that never happened.

The first time I spoke up for myself, in the mildest possible way, to let him know things were not cool with me, he ghosted.

If I could have had low contact with him, I would have. But I was not going to pretend he had not ripped my heart out.

[NCEA]

Sure, in that case, forget it.

I forgot to mention - the last time we broke up it ended with:

Me: Goodbye dear.

She: Goodbye NCEA

(not saying "dear" or anything nice, it's classic exBPD)

Anyway, those were our last words to each other. So final, and hard and cold. Of course I went into severe depression. Ending it with "have a nice week, let's catch up in a couple of months" would have probably saved me a ton of a heartache.

When I say contact I mean very short texts, just saying you hope they're doing ok. Not sure how they can abuse you if you keep it that short.

First he announced I had been replaced. Then he raged and raged at me and told me how everything was my fault and if I thought I was any kind of victim I could f-- myself. Then he froze me out for a month. Then he got back in touch and said he wanted to be friends. Then, in these little short emails, started indicating in little ways that he still blamed me and was angry at me. So I asked him if he wanted to get together and talk it out. He said he would get back with a time. Then he kept emailing me these passive-aggressive things, like dreams he'd had that were clearly about how badly I'd hurt him. But kept evading the issue of talking things out.

You have to understand that my whole life had come apart. Every part of it. And I was being an incredibly good sport. I spent 2 months in agony, pussyfooting around and trying to be nice and positive with him, while he kept dangling this promise of a talk that never happened.

The first time I spoke up for myself, in the mildest possible way, to let him know things were not cool with me, he ghosted.

If I could have had low contact with him, I would have. But I was not going to pretend he had not ripped my heart out.

[steelwork]

Me: Goodbye dear.

She: Goodbye NCEA

(not saying "dear" or anything nice, it's classic exBPD)

Anyway, those were our last words to each other. So final, and hard and cold. Of course I went into severe depression. Ending it with "have a nice week, let's catch up in a couple of months" would have probably saved me a ton of a heartache.

Isn't that just it? One final word of kindness is not so much to ask.

I didn't even get "goodbye." Just a last sarcastic comment.

[NCEA]

If someone is plain sick and twisted and abusive... .Then screw them, I'd take no offense. The problem with my ex is that she'd walk the line between a pysco and just a difficult person, I think that's even harder.

Me: Goodbye dear.

She: Goodbye NCEA

(not saying "dear" or anything nice, it's classic exBPD)

Anyway, those were our last words to each other. So final, and hard and cold. Of course I went into severe depression. Ending it with "have a nice week, let's catch up in a couple of months" would have probably saved me a ton of a heartache.

Isn't that just it? One final word of kindness is not so much to ask.

I didn't even get "goodbye." Just a last sarcastic comment.

[steelwork]

If someone is plain sick and twisted and abusive... .Then screw them, I'd take no offense. The problem with my ex is that she'd walk the line between a pysco and just a difficult person, I think that's even harder.

Does that seam sick and twisted and abusive?

I'm really asking, because I have no perspective anymore. Sometimes I think I'm just being a baby.

I mean, he could be scattered, excitable, etc, but he'd never been unkind until he had a new gf. Then he was a totally different person. I guess he'd been holding in a lot of anger.

[NCEA]

Why would someone be unkind if they're happy in a relationship unless they're sadistic? And have a twisted mind?

If someone is plain sick and twisted and abusive... .Then screw them, I'd take no offense. The problem with my ex is that she'd walk the line between a pysco and just a difficult person, I think that's even harder.

Does that seam sick and twisted and abusive?

I'm really asking, because I have no perspective anymore. Sometimes I think I'm just being a baby.

I mean, he could be scattered, excitable, etc, but he'd never been unkind until he had a new gf. Then he was a totally different person. I guess he'd been holding in a lot of anger.

[steelwork]

Why would someone be unkind if they're happy in a relationship unless they're sadistic? And have a twisted mind?

I guess he was still angry at me. He kind of hinted at that a few times, and we were supposed to talk about it, but he kept putting me off. Said at one point that he was afraid to talk to me.

The reason he got angry was because I said it was weird that we weren't friends after all, and he wrote back, "Aren't we friends? I thought we were friends." So I said I'd told him a few things I needed to feel like there was a friendship, and I wasn't getting any response, so I'd had to take his non-response as an answer. So he wrote back:

"I must have missed that email because I didn't know about the terms and conditions." And that was it. The end.

I think that was pretty unkind, but I suppose he felt justified. I would be interested to know if you think it's sadistic behavior.

[HoneyB33]

When I say contact I mean very short texts, just saying you hope they're doing ok. Not sure how they can abuse you if you keep it that short.

First he announced I had been replaced. Then he raged and raged at me and told me how everything was my fault and if I thought I was any kind of victim I could f-- myself. Then he froze me out for a month. Then he got back in touch and said he wanted to be friends. Then, in these little short emails, started indicating in little ways that he still blamed me and was angry at me. So I asked him if he wanted to get together and talk it out. He said he would get back with a time. Then he kept emailing me these passive-aggressive things, like dreams he'd had that were clearly about how badly I'd hurt him. But kept evading the issue of talking things out.

You have to understand that my whole life had come apart. Every part of it. And I was being an incredibly good sport. I spent 2 months in agony, pussyfooting around and trying to be nice and positive with him, while he kept dangling this promise of a talk that never happened.

The first time I spoke up for myself, in the mildest possible way, to let him know things were not cool with me, he ghosted.

If I could have had low contact with him, I would have. But I was not going to pretend he had not ripped my heart out.

This is so similar to what my ex (female) did to me. And the same with how I lowered and lowered down, and when I finally would stand up for myself, she totally made me believe I was abusive and cruel to her. When things ended, it was all about how I was "too late", abusive, and that she "didn't forgive me". It was the most f***ed situation I have been in. It totally rips your mind and heart into a million pieces, and you don't even get to understand why you're being put through a blender. You are only told it's your fault.


C.Stein this is the question I have been asking myself a lot, "I think this is the root of the issue for you.  You are having a hard time accepting the rejection.  You are stuck on this one thing.  How do you think you can move past this so you can move on?" This is TOTALLY the one thing I am stuck on, over and over--the rejection. Why does it bother me so much? I guess because I just want to slap her. I know I am so much better than this, and yet she's the one acting like she is. Still why does that get to me? Idk. The rejection is totally something that has gotten to me over and over, and I'm trying so hard to deal with it. I know that I "should" just feel really happy that I'm not with her (which I really do), and that I should just move on. But then I totally feel snagged on the rejection of me. How can this person reject me? I'm not trying to wave my ego around, but I know I was ten times this person. So in some backwards way, I just can't understand how she could reject me? And I hate that she can live in some delusional world trying to completely flip the script. It just makes me so f***ing mad. After everything I poured out for someone, she can just think she can dress up in what is clearly my identity, and act like a victim? Not only after what I did for her, but how she treated me? I think it's in my mind how someone could so disrespect me. I'm just like, "who the hell do you think you are?"

[NCEA]

You know how I was "cruel" to my Exex (broke up 5 years ago)  - cruel to the point of being an ass-hole, no good, evil SOB?

I took back my credit card, after she was living on my expense for 5 years, me putting $20,000 in her account a month earlier , buying her a car and a 40,000 Euro musical instrument. So when I said I needed my credit card back, because I was travelling to India and needed both my cards, she started crying. That's when I knew I should leave.

We were 32-33 at the time and not married no children. After we broke up I learned she was cheating on me too.

[troisette]

Hi NCEA

Your comment about never having such comfort really chimed with me.

Those sort of memories were stopping me from moving on. I missed that physical contact so much, it was so painful. Then I realised that the last person who'd cuddled me like that was my father, who died when I was three. My ex had triggered long forgotten memories of tactility, being cuddled and loved. I realise now that I am grieving my loss of my father, my split with ex opened floodgates of abandonment and grief that I had repressed as a child.

Is there something in your childhood that your ex triggered?

You make positive comments about the girl you are involved with. Have you considered turning the glass upside down; thinking how you would feel if you were involved with someone who was still wondering how to detach from a former lover? Does she know that you are still trying to detach?

[NCEA]

She's knows a lot. She knew that out first date was with theater tickets that I originally bought for my ex, on the night or just a few days later. If it was the other way around I'd be happy to be lucky enough to have a chance with a girl I like, before someone else catches her.

Also, I've been detaching for a long long time. It's over with my ex. I'm not depressed, just still processing. I've been seeing the new girl for three months now, but we've been "seeing each other" and now it's fully upgraded to a "relationship".

In many many ways I'm lucky to have had this situation, smoothly sliding into a new GOOD relationship. Can't ask for something better, can you? Also the ex, it was a long distance thing. We've seen each other 6-7 times over a 4-5 months period.

The new girl has effectively moved in with me... .Maybe too fast, I know. We really like each other.

So it's all good.

Hi NCEA

Your comment about never having such comfort really chimed with me.

Those sort of memories were stopping me from moving on. I missed that physical contact so much, it was so painful. Then I realised that the last person who'd cuddled me like that was my father, who died when I was three. My ex had triggered long forgotten memories of tactility, being cuddled and loved. I realise now that I am grieving my loss of my father, my split with ex opened floodgates of abandonment and grief that I had repressed as a child.

Is there something in your childhood that your ex triggered?

You make positive comments about the girl you are involved with. Have you considered turning the glass upside down; thinking how you would feel if you were involved with someone who was still wondering how to detach from a former lover? Does she know that you are still trying to detach?