BPDxbf wants to know why our relationship is over

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDxbf emailed me yesterday with some questions about why we broke up:

"I've been reluctant to contact you since we broke up. I was hurt and angry but things have settled down now. Despite this there's something that doesn't sit right with me. I'd like some clarity if that's ok.

On the Sunday before we broke up you seemed to put a lot of emphasis on how bad you felt each time I dumped you. Despite this you had dumped me by email on Thursday. I'm assuming you were sincere when you ended the relationship, I'm still unclear as to why it ended.

It happened very quickly and without any face to face contact. I know I've done similar things in the past, but I've admitted that my behaviour wasn't entirely sincere which is why we've given it another chance.

I've admitted I was annoyed with you for cancelling our date, but I've also admitted that some of my anger was because of stress from the viability assessment. I even warned you beforehand that I might be irritable during the assessment with Dorothy.

I don't recall hearing much about how you felt at the time as your focus seemed to be on my controlling behaviour. I even gave us a chance to sort things out but you refused.

I know I have a suspicious mind, but it almost felt as if you had planned to end the relationship and used the argument as a means to do so. That's my view, but I'm sure I am being overly suspicious.

I accept that this is over, I'd just like to be sure as to why it happened."




My BPDxbf once told me I was the 'only person who told him the truth'. I decided to send him a detailed and honest response, regardless of whether he'll be able to handle it. I sent him the following:

"Hi BPDxbf.

It doesn't sit right with me either. However, I've answered a direct question with a direct answer. If you're feeling a bit off right now, I'd come back to this later, if I were you.


Breaking up with you wasn't planned as far as I'm concerned. I had been feeling really anxious and scared for days and I needed time to look at why I felt that way. I cancelled our date because needed to know that you would allow me to do that, I needed time to reflect upon why I was so anxious. I was at overflow point emotionally because the kids had been demanding all weekend.

Anyway, when I cancelled the date, you were angry with me and let me know you were unhappy with what I'd done. You threatened to end the relationship over it (I took you seriously). I felt like I was losing it and I couldn't tell whether I was just scared of getting close or whether I had reason to be scared and anxious (see bullet points below), whether my dad's early violence towards either myself or my brothers was influencing me unreasonably, or I was simply being paranoid. You needed to be with me, I needed to distance myself for a while and the more you pushed, the worse I felt. Yet, I tried really hard to stay calm and I was succeeding until we started talking of meeting the following Thursday and you concluded the following "I'll meet you on Thursday and I'll either talk it through with you or finish it". It hurt. I imagined me sitting with you that day not knowing what was going to happen. I imagined you saying it was over and me feeling devastated in front of you but not wanting you to see that. I didn't think I could bear either the pain or the humiliation. I didn't want to live with the uncertainty for a whole week, not knowing if it was over or not. I didn't want to hear the bad news or have you see me so vulnerable and so devastated when you finished it, clearly not caring about me anymore... .

So, it wasn't really what I wanted, but you seemed to be pushing me to end it. You seemed to want certainty. In the end, I decided to put us both out of the mutual misery of insecurity and fear. Unfortunately, when I acted on impulse/anger/hurt to end the discomfort of the moment, I forgot that the devastation was probably going to last a lifetime.

Having said all that... .

• I can't handle you calling me names. When you call me names, it cuts me to the core. I feel so unloved, like you hate me even though all I have ever done is try to love you as best I can.



• I can't handle the threats that you will leave or the hurt I feel when you withdraw from me. I just want to know that I am loved and always will be. I want to know that you will always be here.



• I am scared. I need to feel safe with you. I don't know if I am safe. If you pulled a knife on Carrie, how can I know that you won't pull one on me? If you call me names apparently without being able to exercise self control, how can I trust that you are capable of stopping yourself from being physically abusive.



• I have also become aware that little things hurt me... .

I'm sorry if all this hurts. That's not my intention. My heart is breaking. I miss you and I'm going to miss you for a very long time.

LWx"




He responded by text to let me know he'd sent a reply as follows:

"Hi. I read your reply to my email. I can see this is still quite raw for you so I'll leave it now."

His email reply simply said:

"Hi. Thanks for that, I just wanted to know how you felt."



I suspect this wasn't in accordance with the principles of SET, but I didn't try to do that, I just tried to reflect my feelings as best I could. I also suspect that being honest with him could cause a reaction later, but he's never going to learn how his behaviour impacts upon other people if no one tells him the truth. Now, I'm going to prepare for the possible fallout by turning off all my technology.


Lifewriter x

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lifewriter16,

That was a brave email. I commend you for being so honest and vulnerable.    I feel for you. No one wants to (or should) feel unsafe in their romantic relationship. It's that kind of instability that sent me into a world of anxiety and stress during my relationship, too.

How are you feeling right now?

heart   

[Lifewriter16]

As well as:

• The raging that had been going on for 36 hours



• The misery, fear and anxiety I was going through



• My fears for my physical safety



• The hurt I was feeling due to repeated threats to leave me and him actually leaving me repeatedly and the fear I had that he was going to dump me the following Thursday when we met up



• The pain I felt as a result of his calling me abusive names

Perhaps I should have added all the other reasons I have for us splitting up (I'm not going to though):

• I don't like being subjected to text/email rages that happen once or twice a week and can go on for up to 3 days.



• I'm sick of the projection.



• I'm sick of him blaming me for our problems and telling me that I'm blaming him for everything.



• He wants security prematurely and I don't like the fact he dysregulates and tells me I don't love him because he can't have what he wants immediately.



• He thinks I have to love him unconditionally, I'm sick of being told I don't love him because I won't put up with the sh!t.



• I want to be myself and assert my needs without having to fight for my rights.



• I want time to journal, pray and meditate without being on call.



• I don't want to live with the constant changes in mode and the regular dysregulations.



• Validating him is exhausting me and making me resentful.



• My needs are unmet.



• I've lost sense of reality because he keeps telling me it's all down to me.



• i feel invisible.



• I feel anxious and frightened.



• I'm sick of hearing that he is angry and being told that I should validate it by listening to it rather than walking away.



• I'm fed up of being told that I should sort my issues out and that I am failing to do that and thus I don't care about the relationship or him.



• I'm sick of being told I'm angry when I'm not and being told that I need to go to anger management classes.



• I'm sick of being on call 18 hours a day and being expected to respond immediately.



• I don't like the way he tries to hurt me emotionally.



• I am worried he could abuse my children or damage them emotionally.



• I want to feel loved, safe and secure and I no longer feel these things with him.



• He expects I'll feed him and expects that I'll pay for things for him.



• He isn't a good prospect as a husband, having no job and being too low functioning to get and keep one.



• He thinks he can help himself to things without asking if it's okay.



• He's still married to his third wife.



• He throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants (both sexually and emotionally)



• He's inconsistent and unstable



• When in certain modes, he can barely function. He doesn't even know how to get money out of a cash point.



• He spends and spends and never has any money. I'd end up in the same situation if we set up house together, but I can't afford to do that. I've got the kids to look after.



• He expects to be put before the children, indeed he expects to be put first generally.



• He assumes I'll feel him even if I don't invite him round at meal time. He just doesn't bother to eat and then says he's hungry.



• He leaves me to do the washing up.



• I haven't even been to his house for 18 months and he says that's my fault.



• I have caught him lying to me about something inconsequential.



• He says his father's a violent psychopath and his wife is a con artist, drug-taker and possibly a prostitute. I'm not sure this is the kind of extended family I want.



• He admits to smashing things up in anger and walking straight through his wife's garden gate without opening it because he was in a rage.



• He threatened his wife and her young son with a knife in 2010 and has a criminal record for that.



• His stepson was found with sexual images of young children on an item of technology and I only have his word that he wasn't involved with this.



• Oh, and his wife is being taken to court by UK social services for neglect (and who knows what else) and my friend advises me that if I associate with him, they'll investigate me as a matter of course.

I have attempted to deal with some of these things by setting limits, like telling him I won't lend him money and telling him I want him to ask rather than just help himself to food from my cupboards. Success has been mixed. However, the list is overwhelming and the task daunting.

I have very little trust left and the above suggests that trust is misplaced anyway.

My question to myself if this: Lifewriter, surely this is enough to justify a breakup without guilt?

LWx

[Lifewriter16]

And one more thing:

My BPDxbf once reported that he'd just seen an image of me with multiple stab wounds and my head cut off. It may have been a schizophrenic symptom, but it was a bit worrying to say the least.

LW x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there heartandwhole.

How am I feeling okay now? SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD... .but hopefully, the process is strengthening my resolution.

LWx

[Hebrews12]

Hi Lifewriter16

I just want to say good on you for leaving.  I hope you keep your list handy and refer to it when you start to doubt yourself.

I am also concerned for you.  The drawing of you with knife wounds, threats against you physically?  I hope you have a support team around you and your kids.  People that believe you when you say that you are frightened of this man and tired of the control he attempts to exert over you.

Please take all of his threats seriously, protect yourself and your kids.  Make sure someone knows that you have broken up with him and that he does NOT have permission to come to your house, be with your kids unattended... .all that stuff.

My very best wishes for you.  Stand strong.  Your children depend on you to choose a partner who will walk beside you as a friend and help mate.  You deserve that and so do they.   

sincerely,

Hebrews12

[Herodias]

His response to your email sounds like the one I would get... .I can see you are still quite raw. They think if they leave you alone a little while you'll just get over it. They don't seem to think their extreme behavior causes damage. Although mine finally said, too much has happened. He was just mad that I finally had the nerve to call the police. He doesn't want me to call and have him end up in jail... .I guess I am supposed to let him wave guns around me when he is drunk and hold me on the floor with his hand over my mouth unable to get away! I think you are handling this quite well... .Good for you! Stick up for yourself! I have been told by the domestic violence people that abusers only get worse with their abuse the more you will accept. Mine told me that all the guys in anger management just blamed their "crazy" wives or gf's for sending them to jail. They don't accept that they did anything wrong. The judge told me I could end up dead with someone like him. The domestic violence people said that he could be a sociopath... .So I am ok now that I am away from him. I believe the people closest to them are at risk. Stay safe and stay away. The will treat you worse each time you take them back. Mine did this for sure.     Lifewriter, the list of things you have been trough are just awful and I can TOTALLY relate! You have to stay away from this person. Read the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft... .It is very helpful. You do not need to be in this situation. He needs major help. My exes Mother said he was abusive to all of his ff's... .it seems to me he just keeps getting worse. It makes me crazy to think he is acting nice to someone else, be prepared for that. But as the book explains... .no one would want to be with an abuser if they started out the way they really are! Call him what he is in your head... .do not have sympathy for him. I felt sorry for mine all the time and that is why I stayed so long. We cannot fix them. I am sorry for your pain. I have been there myself and I wonder what the heck I was doing, because if I tell anyone I put up with all of that they think I am crazy. We can't let this happen any more... .I live in a secure building now and he can't just get to me. They can be stalkers sometimes, so be careful. They also can blame you for how they acted... .don't buy it! I am glad you are out. It is still painful because you thought you had someone who really loved you in the beginning. It's awful to have been conned. They just need someone to take care of them I guess... .to try and have a normal life. Don't feel bad for his past and family problems. It's how they suck us in... .read the book. I promise, life is better alone and with friends than with that abuse.  

[Herodias]

I agree that you should keep this list handy... .I have one to look at when I am feeling upset to remind me what I went through when the good memories creep back in. I could practically copy yours- word for word!

[Lifewriter16]

Here for posterity are his later reactions to my response to his request for clarification over why we broke up. They are all text messages:



9.50am - BPDxbf

Text telling me how well his daughter is doing with her new dance lessons. He's apparently okay.

11.07am - BPDxbf

"Okay you win. Please don't contact me again."

11.16m - LW

"It sounds like you think I was trying to get one up on you and it would upset me if someone was doing that to me. However, that wasn't my intention. You asked me a direct question and I answered it as honestly as I could. Wanting no more contact with me because I don't want you to treat me badly seems unfair to me, but if that's what you really want, okay. Is that what you really want?"

11.19am - BPDxbf

"Stop playing the victim. You can be just as nasty. Putting everything on me isn't fair yet you've done it throughout our relationship."

11.22am - BPDxbf

"I threatened to end the relationship because I'd two days of accusations from you. Until you admit you have a problem with anger and deal with it I want no further contact."

11.26am - LW

"You sound pretty cross and I can understand you feeling that way when I have told you that I think you treat me badly. I'd feel the same way myself. However, I don't think anything good will come out of continuing to communicate at this moment so I'm going to turn off now because I need to cook for (an event) anyway."

11.29am - BPDxbf

":)on't contact me again."

11.38am - BPDxbf

":)id I hit the spot? That's when you usually cut off. I am cross because it seems I can't ask for a simple clarification without being attacked. If I treat you as badly as you say then you won't want contact. Live with your heartbreak. I'm over it."


When all this was happening, I felt scared and anxious again. I thought it likely he would react later from a different part of his personality. We've had a number of problem solving discussions that apparently went really well at the time but were followed by dysregulation later. It doesn't look like there's going to be any constructive discussion about his verbal abuse or his withdrawal of affection/threats to leave/leaving. It seems we are back to no contact again. I've lost count how many times he's told me to never contact him again. It's the best thing. If we can't even discuss these important issues, we have no meeting ground.

LW x

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for you support everyone. Hi, Hebrew12, I see we share an avatar. Are you a writer too?



Oops, here we go again... .

3.05pm - BPDxbf

"I've calmed down now. Text if you want."

3.07pm - LW

"I'm glad to hear that you are now feeling calm. Feeling emotional is a rotten feeling. Hx"

3.11pm - BPDxbf

"I didn't feel rotten." (so much for advice from books)

3.12pm - LW

"What did you feel?"



3.16pm - BPDxbf

"How was (the event)?"

3.18pm - LW

"It was good. I'm tired though and going to need to have a rest in a minute."



3.19pm - BPDxbf

"Bye then"



3.21pm - LW

"Okay. Bye."

3.28pm - BPDxbf

"I won't be contacting you again. You can text or email if you want."



3.29pm - LW

"Thank you."



It seems quite clear to me that my BPDxbf has no desire to control himself when he is dysregulating. When he is in that state, he remembers all the discussions we've had previously but he just feels differently about things. I think that makes him particularly dangerous. I wasn't really expecting an apology, but I think it's important to note that he thinks he can behave badly and not make any kind of amends. It seems to me from today's exchanges, that my BPDxbf really does think that I am being abusive when I fail to meet his needs the very minute he has them and when I fail to be available to him at all times. He really does think that me spending time alone is some kind of abuse directed at him. He thinks that I am doing to him what his mother did when she withdrew from him and gave him the silent treatment to punish him (which is how he perceives it) and he can not distinguish that failing to meet a child's needs is one thing (possibly neglect, possibly abuse, possibly abandonment) but failing to meet an adult's needs, is something entirely different. I'm going to go low contact now.


Lifewriter x

[Herodias]

All of that behavior is so familiar... .projection on the abuse... .saying they don't want further contact from you like you, then telling you that you can contact them... .It doesn't end. Sorry you are going through this. Low contact and no reaction called "gray rock" is the best thing for now. Be nice... I have made the mistake of being angry at times and it only makes things worse. Its awful to have to be nice to someone abusive. Good luck with this... .

[myself]

Why do you keep going back and forth with him? Looking for a better outcome (he'll see the light, change his ways... .or the peaceful loving 'closure' so many of us have chased)? I went through this with my ex too, where I'd tell her how she'd hurt me and that's why I was keeping my distance/healing, but with another round of contact she'd think/say "I must not be so bad after all if you're still 'with me'... ." He basically said this very thing to you, again, and you still answer when he writes which reinforces it. He's seeking and being let off the hook as it were for the pain, confusion, dishonesty... .It sounds like it's all about Him, to him, but please remember you're not his mom and you don't have to let his abusive behaviors continue affecting your life. Does he step up at all when it's you and your feelings? It's mixed messages to both of you to keep the door open if you're truly done/walking away. That said, letting go is hard, for sure. How much hope do you still have for this r/s? Better yet, how realistic are the chances this will have a positive outcome if you remain connected with him? One big lesson I've learned coming through this is: The more we're focused on them and their stuff, the less we're focusing on ourselves and ours.

[HurtinNW]

I'm sorry, Lifewriter 

This seems the same of what you have gone through repeatedly with this guy. He tosses you the bait ("can you clarify the break-up?" and you respond, and then you two are off to the races again.

I'd suggest you step back here. This round started when he sent that email asking for clarification. If you read it you will see he was not taking responsibility for his role. He completely minimizes and projects. At no point does he own calling you a spoilt b___ and other names and threats. At no point does he offer a constructive plan for what he intends to do about his issues.

At this point you respond. I get it. I've been there. I went through that for four years. My ex would toss me the tiniest scraps and I would rush to respond. It would start a communication that would often lead to a recycle and just as quickly, ever faster over time, a devaluation, dysregulation and discard.

Now is the time for you to really dig deep into stopping this unhealthy cycle. You know what will happen. By staying engaged in this you keep your trauma and reactivity alive and active. You are putting yourself in the FOG. I'm not trying to be harsh because I did the same thing, but you are making the choice to keep your Fear, Obligation and Guilt alive.

I suggest going complete no contact with him to let yourself get clarity, self-inquiry and process what has happened.

You don't have to close the door forever, if that is a worry. You can tell yourself you will let him grow and learn and check back in a year or two. But you need to have a period without this abuse (and yes, his repeated nasty text messages are abusive, as is name calling and other behaviors) in order to get clarity.

What would a viable plan for you look like to get out of this?

Hugs for you, Lifewriter   

[Lifewriter16]

I think that what's clear is that I am out of control.

Herodias - please could you explain grey rock for me?

myself - you're right to call me on this one. I've got to stop.

Hurtin - I'm going round and round in circles. I see that. I'm seriously thinking that I may need to set up a situation where I have no access to my phone or the internet, but the thought of having no access to either fills me with panic. I really do feel like a junkie on heroin. Perhaps that is exactly why I need to go cold turkey without either.

The very thought of doing the necessary to break this attachment permanently, fills me with dread... .why? I even clearly fit the criteria for an abused woman... .surely every bone in my body should be walking away, so what am I playing at?

I'm going to have a difficult discussion with my ex-husband and ask him to help.

LW x

[Herodias]

Here is something I copied to explain:

If you can’t go “No Contact” with a Narcissist because you have children with them, or you are somehow unable to get them out of your life for whatever reason,  you can implement a technique called “Gray Rock”. Gray Rock is where you become as exciting and interesting as, well,  a gray rock. The goal is to blend into the background, and become the most boring, unreactive person they’ve ever met. The reason being is that if you can quit being a source of supply for their drama and attention, they will eventually leave you alone.

How to go gray rock?

Do not respond with any emotion when they try and provoke you. Keep in mind that because they have no values–they have no empathy and no remorse.  They only know what you value by the level of your reaction–so to beat them at their game and don’t react. Practice your non-reactions with a trusted friend or in the mirror, or go over different things you know they might say to incite you–and then practice being nonreactive.  Because Narcissists thrive on chaos and drama, they will eventually become disinterested and turn their attentions elsewhere if they can’t get a rise out of you.

In order to go Gray Rock, when you must engage with the Narcissist, only talk about boring things: your laundry, getting your oil changed, doing your taxes. Do not talk about anything that will make them jealous or in any way encourages them to cause drama. Do not talk about how great things are going for you, or any accomplishments you or your children are having, or how great your life is now that they aren’t in it. Do not talk about upcoming vacations, current boyfriends, sports tournaments the kids are in, weddings or anything that is remotely interesting. When they try and push your buttons (and they will), don’t react. Don’t try and get them to see how hurtful their behavior was (and is). Take all the blame for the relationship, and make them think it’s not them it’s you. Doing this takes away their ability to argue and create drama and chaos. As far as you are concerned there is nothing interesting about you or your children, and if they blame you for everything just agree. Smile and nod and get away from them.

It is so, so, so hard to do. I get it. I really do. However the only two ways to get them out of your life are to either go no contact or go Gray Rock. And the sooner you can get them out of your life, the sooner you can start to heal.

[HurtinNW]

I think that what's clear is that I am out of control.

Herodias - please could you explain grey rock for me?

myself - you're right to call me on this one. I've got to stop.

Hurtin - I'm going round and round in circles. I see that. I'm seriously thinking that I may need to set up a situation where I have no access to my phone or the internet, but the thought of having no access to either fills me with panic. I really do feel like a junkie on heroin. Perhaps that is exactly why I need to go cold turkey without either.

The very thought of doing the necessary to break this attachment permanently, fills me with dread... .why? I even clearly fit the criteria for an abused woman... .surely every bone in my body should be walking away, so what am I playing at?

I'm going to have a difficult discussion with my ex-husband and ask him to help.

LW x

Lifewriter, so many of us have been there. I had to make some serious changes to stop the addiction too. And it is an addiction. At this point your brain chemistry is accustomed to this cycle. Your heart and soul are tied up in it, and losing the "drug" feelings like you are going to die. At least that is how it has felt for me.

A few things I've seen others do, and some I've done:

1) Do involve your last ex if that will help. I surprised myself by involving mine.

2) Tell enough friends and relatives about the abuse that you can't reasonably go back to him without a LOT of people trying to intervene. This has really helped me.

3) Book a long trip if possible, take the kids and travel if possible, stay with relatives anything to get away from the present situation.

4) Go social media and phone free. I announced I was taking a social media break and deactivated all my accounts. You can also get a new phone number and make sure you delete his. Put a bunch of barriers between your ability to contact him. Get a new email address. Start fresh.

5) See if you match my record for posting here 

6) Usual visual reminders or other reminders. I have a big note on my desk that says YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS. I also screen saved an email from a friend on my phone so I can look at that if I am tempted to contact him.

Others may have ideas too. 

[Herodias]

I think that what's clear is that I am out of control.

Herodias - please could you explain grey rock for me?

myself - you're right to call me on this one. I've got to stop.

Hurtin - I'm going round and round in circles. I see that. I'm seriously thinking that I may need to set up a situation where I have no access to my phone or the internet, but the thought of having no access to either fills me with panic. I really do feel like a junkie on heroin. Perhaps that is exactly why I need to go cold turkey without either.

The very thought of doing the necessary to break this attachment permanently, fills me with dread... .why? I even clearly fit the criteria for an abused woman... .surely every bone in my body should be walking away, so what am I playing at?

I'm going to have a difficult discussion with my ex-husband and ask him to help.

LW x

I completely understand how you feel... . Knowing you are being abused is the first step. Stop trying to explain yourself to him. The fact is, he is treating you very very wrong and it has to stop. You cannot trust him around your child either. You have to look out for them. It is really hard and the trauma bond they hook you with is hard to detach from.  Please read the book I suggested as a start. Get into a support group if you have to- do what ever you can not to go back. I promise you , it will get worse if you go back. I have had it get worse and worse evertime I went back! You don't want to end up hurt physically... .emotionally is almost worse. The problem is that you cannot see it. How would you feel if that happened next? A therapist asked me... .what is your boundary? What will have to happen to make you stop accepting the behavior. I said if he were to cheat and get someone pregnant. Guess what? It happened! I am saved by my boundaries or I would have gone back again! He told me I could take him back after he told me the gf was pregnant! Can you imagine what was in store for me if I was sick enough to go back after that? He would really devalue me then. I have already had death threats and been held against my will. Had guns pointed at me, had a pillow held over my face and was held on the floor with his hand over my mouth as I hyperventilated and he looked like someone who wasn't even there! I am telling you- it is like they are not the same person. You just have to get away... .It is really hard. But life is soo much better alone... .I promise you. It is not love that you have there.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks guys.

I really want to give you all a considered reply. You've all been through so much and have/are coming out the other side. I hope you'll forgive me though, because I need to go to bed... .I'm exhausted from all this emotion. I'll think strategies to deal with this tomorrow. Just one thing to say, I feel it's important to acknowledge it - you're right Herodias, I can now see that it's not love that I have here. 

LW x

[Herodias]

Thanks guys.

I really want to give you all a considered reply. You've all been through so much and have/are coming out the other side. I hope you'll forgive me though, because I need to go to bed... .I'm exhausted from all this emotion. I'll think strategies to deal with this tomorrow. Just one thing to say, I feel it's important to acknowledge it - you're right Herodias, I can now see that it's not love that I have here. 

LW x

    So sorry  :'(... .take care 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All.

I've woken up feeling somewhat stronger today.

I had a light bulb moment yesterday, well two actually. I realised that Herodias was right - it isn't love that I have here. As a result, I started asking myself why he wants me around. I realised that he needs me in his life specifically so that he can abuse me. It allows him to live comfortably with the parts of himself that he doesn't want to admit to. If he projects his faults onto me, blames me for the things he sees in himself but doesn't want to face, he can divert the shame that he feels onto me and then mete out the punishment he deems appropriate. When he abuses me, it's self-abuse directed outwards. It really isn't love. It is a kind of emotional dependency, but it sure isn't love.

I've emailed my reasons for leaving to myself so that they are the first thing that I see when I check my emails to see whether he has contacted me. They will be a constant reminder.

I've put a new battery in my watch and I'm going to leave my phone at home. Wish me luck.

Thanks for your encouragement, guys. I've ordered the book you recommended and 'From Abandonment to Healing'. Hopefully, they will help pull me through.

LW x