Boyfriend has severe/violent BPD... can/should I even be a girlfriend?

[nimsay]

Hello all,

I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 19, so we are on the cusp of adulthood. I am very new to the world of BPD as I was just recently able to confirm that my boyfriend does indeed suffer from it. Previously I thought his extremely sensitive and black&white behavior was as a result of his prolonged drug abuse.

Just to give a summary: We've been together for almost two years now and it has been quite the roller coaster. He partakes in heavy recreational drug usage (any drug u can think of) and also has frequent violent outbursts. He punches through walls, screams, claws at himself, punches himself, and on a rare occasion has grabbed me. When I try to calm him down it only aggravates him worse and watching his melt downs is truly terrifying. We even went through a few month period where he almost completely ignored me.

The emotional back & forth and manipulation (twisting words around on me?) coupled with his clear need for a support system/help/mental instability has taken its toll on me. My life has become consumed with trying to balance my own life and his. He is my first boyfriend, my first love. He is very near and dear to my heart and I find myself extremely attached. I hold on dearly to the peaceful moments we do have. I don't know how to separate myself from the BPD and also still be there for him through his struggle.

Any words of advice are greatly appreciated, thank you.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cherryblossom]

Hello nimsay - this sounds very tough! I have experienced similar behaviour. You will get lots of useful support here.

There are lots of useful articles and tools on the site which give u skills for coping---- there is a book called stop caretaking the borderline which is useful

Can I ask is he seeking help himself in the form of regular therapy? Support for his substance usage? Does he research into BPD himself and has he joined a support network? Is he someone into personal growth and healing?

Also do u live together? Are u able to protect urself?

What r ur self care skills like?

[cherryblossom]

Also id say in these types of scenarios always trust ur gut instincts rather than hopeful wishful thinking - this is my personal experience and recognising this has helped me imensely - however I accept we're at different places in terms of dealing with a partner - mine is an ex. If we reject ourselves and turn our backs on our own values we invite rejective behaviour from all those around us as we r turning our backs on our selves and true instincts - people sense this subconciously and treat us accordinly. -- i just dont like hearing that ur life is totally consumed by this - mine was too and it did not end well.