Got another email from him today

[FlSunshineGirl]

I've been NC with my exBPD for a year this past January. He has made a few attempts at texts and emails since we last spoke.

His last email to me was on the one year anniversary of when I went NC, and the last text was in March until the one today.

Here is what it said... .

"Hi, you don't need to reply to this. I understand that. I am happy everything is falling into place for you, you deserve it all and more. I do have a request to make, I am currently sitting at the hospital, where I've been for a few days. And I know you know that I have long held that God hears certain people's prayers more than others. I know he hears your prayers. My mother, and you know her medical conditions, has suffered another heart attack. She is currently stable but tomorrow they are doing a heart cath and will then know the extent of the damage. Please, I ask you to pray for my mom. I'm not ready to lose her yet. Thank you for your prayers. I pray for you and yours always and you always occupy a place in my head and heart. Thank you"

Our parents are friends and they haven't even heard the news that she had a heart attack. She was suppose to go in for knee surgery and they had heard about that, but haven't heard a word about any heart attack.

I don't plan on replying back, but that kind of makes me feel like a jerk.

I wonder if this is a desperate attempt at manipulating me into talking to him so he doesn't feel abandoned? Not sure what to think.

I do know he's been with a girlfriend for almost a year now. My guess is it's not going well and this may be part of an attempt to triangulate and get me back into talking to him.

I just don't know what to think.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on what some of you would do in my situation.

[heartandwhole]

Hi FISunshineGirl,

I can understand your hesitancy about this and why not replying doesn't feel right, either, although his very first sentence makes it clear that he doesn't expect you to. You really don't have to reply, especially if you don't feel comfortable. He's asked you to pray for his mom, and you can simply do that and let it be.

How strong do you feel in your detachment, FISunshine? Could you reply and not engage in further conversations?

If I were in your position and felt detached from the relationship, I'd probably respond with a short reply that stated something like, "Your mom is in my prayers. I hope she recovers quickly and comfortably." 

That doesn't invite further comment, and also lets you express your good wishes (if that's what you feel, of course).

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[troisette]

It could be an attempt to manipulate you Sunshine Girl, no one can say for sure.

You mention feeling like a jerk if you don't reply so it seems his text is causing some guilt if you don't respond.

As your parents are friends, can you find out if the facts, as relayed to you, are true? This would give you a starting point to evaluate his text.

If his mother hasn't had a heart attack then yes, he's probably attempting to manipulate you. If she has had a heart attack he may still be attempting manipulation. Or it may be that his new relationship is not going well.  :)istress, whatever the cause, maybe causing a need to reach out to you. That's BPD.

BUT, it's important that above all, you consider your well-being. Do you want to have further contact with him? If you find his mother has had a heart attack and you want to send good wishes, you could do so directly to her by a card, bypassing direct contact with him. Praying for his mother is a private decision for you to make.

I hope that after 18 months of nc that everything is falling into place for you. I'd be wary of making any response directly to him.  

[Herodias]

Since it was a text, I suppose he may think you blocked his number and are not responding. I would feel like you... .Would almost tell him that I was sorry to hear the news and would say a prayer and be done. yet, he could be trying to suck you back in. Go gray rock and be boring... .google it if you don't know what it is. You could find out of it is true as troisette said. That's a tough one.

[hurting300]

I've been NC with my exBPD for a year this past January. He has made a few attempts at texts and emails since we last spoke.

His last email to me was on the one year anniversary of when I went NC, and the last text was in March until the one today.

Here is what it said... .

"Hi, you don't need to reply to this. I understand that. I am happy everything is falling into place for you, you deserve it all and more. I do have a request to make, I am currently sitting at the hospital, where I've been for a few days. And I know you know that I have long held that God hears certain people's prayers more than others. I know he hears your prayers. My mother, and you know her medical conditions, has suffered another heart attack. She is currently stable but tomorrow they are doing a heart cath and will then know the extent of the damage. Please, I ask you to pray for my mom. I'm not ready to lose her yet. Thank you for your prayers. I pray for you and yours always and you always occupy a place in my head and heart. Thank you"

Our parents are friends and they haven't even heard the news that she had a heart attack. She was suppose to go in for knee surgery and they had heard about that, but haven't heard a word about any heart attack.

I don't plan on replying back, but that kind of makes me feel like a jerk.

I wonder if this is a desperate attempt at manipulating me into talking to him so he doesn't feel abandoned? Not sure what to think.

I do know he's been with a girlfriend for almost a year now. My guess is it's not going well and this may be part of an attempt to triangulate and get me back into talking to him.

I just don't know what to think.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on what some of you would do in my situation.

Why don't you reply then? Did you tell him you wish to no longer have contact?

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hi heart, thank you for replying to my post.

"I can understand your hesitancy about this and why not replying doesn't feel right, either, although his very first sentence makes it clear that he doesn't expect you to. You really don't have to reply, especially if you don't feel comfortable. He's asked you to pray for his mom, and you can simply do that and let it be."

Yes, you understand how I feel! I will definitely take his "you don't have to reply back" as my out. The first email he sent after it ended he sent me a "you don't have to reply" email and said how he just wanted me to know he was thinking of him. And a week later I got a "I want nothing more than to hear from you again email.

I think deep down he does want me to reply, but maybe he's thinking if he says I don't have to then he can maintain some control and not feel abandoned if I don't reply.

"How strong do you feel in your detachment, FISunshine? Could you reply and not engage in further conversations?"

I still have a lot of anger for him. The anger helps me not to slide back into a cycle with him.

He has said in the past how he just doesn't understand how we can't can't be best friends.

All the other communication with me he has always signed "take care my friend".

I think one reply from me would open the door for him to feel we could talk and be friends again and that all was forgiven.

Our last conversation he said "time heals all wounds" and was wondering if this goodbye was forever. I just don't want to open that can of worms again and have him back in my life.

"If I were in your position and felt detached from the relationship, I'd probably respond with a short reply that stated something like, "Your mom is in my prayers. I hope she recovers quickly and comfortably." "

I really hope I can emotionally get to that point one day. :-(

Totally unaffected and detached.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I've been NC with my exBPD for a year this past January. He has made a few attempts at texts and emails since we last spoke.

His last email to me was on the one year anniversary of when I went NC, and the last text was in March until the one today.

Here is what it said... .

"Hi, you don't need to reply to this. I understand that. I am happy everything is falling into place for you, you deserve it all and more. I do have a request to make, I am currently sitting at the hospital, where I've been for a few days. And I know you know that I have long held that God hears certain people's prayers more than others. I know he hears your prayers. My mother, and you know her medical conditions, has suffered another heart attack. She is currently stable but tomorrow they are doing a heart cath and will then know the extent of the damage. Please, I ask you to pray for my mom. I'm not ready to lose her yet. Thank you for your prayers. I pray for you and yours always and you always occupy a place in my head and heart. Thank you"

Our parents are friends and they haven't even heard the news that she had a heart attack. She was suppose to go in for knee surgery and they had heard about that, but haven't heard a word about any heart attack.

I don't plan on replying back, but that kind of makes me feel like a jerk.

I wonder if this is a desperate attempt at manipulating me into talking to him so he doesn't feel abandoned? Not sure what to think.

I do know he's been with a girlfriend for almost a year now. My guess is it's not going well and this may be part of an attempt to triangulate and get me back into talking to him.

I just don't know what to think.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on what some of you would do in my situation.

Why don't you reply then? Did you tell him you wish to no longer have contact?

He has never respected my boundaries in the past. One time during the relationship I had had enough and told him not to contact me again. He said, "oh I WILL contact you"

I feel if he can't even take the hint of me telling him let's say goodbye and go our separate ways and the fact that a year and a half later I'm still not responding to him then me speaking to him won't help.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Since it was a text, I suppose he may think you blocked his number and are not responding. I would feel like you... .Would almost tell him that I was sorry to hear the news and would say a prayer and be done. yet, he could be trying to suck you back in. Go gray rock and be boring... .google it if you don't know what it is. You could find out of it is true as troisette said. That's a tough one.

I talked to my parents and they tried to call his dad and his dad didn't answer or call my dad back. So if she did have a heart attack, they haven't said a word about it to my parents.

I will check that out... .never heard of that.

[sweet tooth]

Troisette gave some great advice. I'd find those recommendations.

[FlSunshineGirl]

It could be an attempt to manipulate you Sunshine Girl, no one can say for sure.

You mention feeling like a jerk if you don't reply so it seems his text is causing some guilt if you don't respond.

As your parents are friends, can you find out if the facts, as relayed to you, are true? This would give you a starting point to evaluate his text.

If his mother hasn't had a heart attack then yes, he's probably attempting to manipulate you. If she has had a heart attack he may still be attempting manipulation. Or it may be that his new relationship is not going well.  :)istress, whatever the cause, maybe causing a need to reach out to you. That's BPD.

BUT, it's important that above all, you consider your well-being. Do you want to have further contact with him? If you find his mother has had a heart attack and you want to send good wishes, you could do so directly to her by a card, bypassing direct contact with him. Praying for his mother is a private decision for you to make.

I hope that after 18 months of nc that everything is falling into place for you. I'd be wary of making any response directly to him.  

Thank you.  

I still haven't heard a word about if she had one or not. His dad didn't return my dad's phone call today. So strange.

I'm happier now with him out of my life than I've been in a long time. I have a lot of good things happening and have even started back to school working on a second degree and a career change. I don't have the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that being with him caused from all the chaos and drama.

I don't wish to have any contact with him whatsoever. I like what you said about me considering my well being. I don't think he would settle at one email, I think he would try to send more and re-establish contact. Our last conversation 18 months ago he said he knew he would see me again we were practically family.

He just has this entitlement mentality of being able to be in my life and that's not what I want or what's good for me.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Troisette gave some great advice. I'd find those recommendations.

Thank you sweet. I think so too. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

He's pretty relentless. I got this text this morning from him and I didn't respond back to it or the one from yesterday. He's "talking" like we are best buddies or something.

"Thank you for your prayers. Mom has heart cath today at 3:30. We will then know what we are up against. Could be just a stint, could need bypass again... .

Mom and dad haven't been truthful about mom's health. I'm worried. I'll keep you posted. Thank you!"

He doesn't know if I prayed or didn't pray. He has no idea if I even got this text or had him blocked.

I feel he's baiting me.

[bunny4523]

Hi Sunshine girl,

If you re-read your posts, I think you have answered your own question about responding.  It doesn't sound like you are ready to respond an any way right now so I don't think you should.  I don't think it matters if his mom is ill or not... .whether he is or isn't trying to manipulate you and pull you back in.  You said you feel so much better since he is out of your life and the thought of when you were with him caused you chaos and a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.  That is your gut telling you to stay away- follow it... .

Please don't feel guilty, just say a prayer for his mother.  You're not a jerk, period.  You do what you need to do to take care of you right now.  If you get to the point you want to respond down the road and you don't feel it will cause you any harm in your healing process then respond.  But if your questioning it then... .in my opinion, don't.   

Wish you the best,

Bunny

[FlSunshineGirl]

And... .

He just sent this one... .

"It's not good at all. Please pray. As hard as you can, pray"

[Herodias]

Sounds like he is having a hard time with this and looking to you for support. Mine came to me when he wanted money when I friend died. He wanted me to give hime money to get to his home state. I did not do it and I told him to ask his gf for the money. He got really mad at me and called me a heartless bi-ch... .He got over it eventually. I think yours is trying to suck you back in and looking for sympathy. He could be getting it from others as well.  Stay no contact... .he will learn to go somewhere else and leave you alone. Don't be surprised if he gets angry with you at some point.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Sounds like he is having a hard time with this and looking to you for support. Mine came to me when he wanted money when I friend died. He wanted me to give hime money to get to his home state. I did not do it and I told him to ask his gf for the money. He got really mad at me and called me a heartless bi-ch... .He got over it eventually. I think yours is trying to suck you back in and looking for sympathy. He could be getting it from others as well.  Stay no contact... .he will learn to go somewhere else and leave you alone. Don't be surprised if he gets angry with you at some point.

At this point this is what I'm starting to think. He's grabbing at straws for me to comfort him because he's not getting what he's needing with the current girlfriend or whoever else he's talking to. But he did this same thing behind my back (I found out) when I wasn't "giving him what he needed".

I did find out tonight from my parents that his mom did have a heart attack and it sounds like she has major blockage and they are calling in a specialist that operated on her from her last heart attack.

If I had attempted contact over and over for the last 18 months with someone who didn't respond back to me even once that is the LAST place I'd go looking for support in a time of need. 

[Herodias]

But you're normal.

[bunny4523]

If I had attempted contact over and over for the last 18 months with someone who didn't respond back to me even once that is the LAST place I'd go looking for support in a time of need.  [/quote]
Yes I agree... . It's odd he would even reach out to you in this circumstance. You can pray for her without having to be involved with him. It takes a lot of strength to not respond to him. Proud of you for taking care of you first.

Bunny

[FlSunshineGirl]

If I had attempted contact over and over for the last 18 months with someone who didn't respond back to me even once that is the LAST place I'd go looking for support in a time of need. 

Yes I agree... . It's odd he would even reach out to you in this circumstance. You can pray for her without having to be involved with him. It takes a lot of strength to not respond to him. Proud of you for taking care of you first.

Bunny[/quote]
Thank you so much Bunny! All of your advice and kind words and just "listening" to me and letting me vent have helped so very much.

[FlSunshineGirl]

But you're normal.

BPD is such a strange illness

[troisette]

Hi Sunshine Girl

I agree with Bunny.

I'm sorry that his mom has had a heart attack and that it's having this effect on him. It sounds as if he's reaching out for a touchstone that his present girlfriend isn't giving.

But you have to look after yourself as well, your well being is paramount, over his emotions. You are not obligated to rescue him.

Take care. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hi Sunshine Girl

I agree with Bunny.

I'm sorry that his mom has had a heart attack and that it's having this effect on him. It sounds as if he's reaching out for a touchstone that his present girlfriend isn't giving.

But you have to look after yourself as well, your well being is paramount, over his emotions. You are not obligated to rescue him.

Take care. 

I really appreciate your kind words and understanding. All of you on this board have given me strength in remaining NC and being able to feel it's ok to take care of me without being some evil person for doing so.

 troisette