I could use some advice. I'm going to apologize that this post is so long but please bare with me on this. I've been out of my relationship since March and have had here and there contact with my ex. The last thing I need is to be another example of "crazy" for them... .
My ex contacted me out of the blue with a "How are you?" email after not communicating with me for months. The only time I would hear from him is if I reached out to him first. I wondered if he missed me or whatever and then I realized he's just lonely and needs supply.
A couple days later I saw an youtube video that my ex's bestfriend's girlfriend put out called "How not to be the Psycho ex girlfriend" I watched the video and the last example was don't over call and text a million times or god forbid you show up at his house unannounced and made this face to the camera that was sarcastic. Not only have I never met this girl but I also thought are you effing kidding me right now? They had the audacity to poke fun at me with a video? I weighed out if I'm just taking this personally. I called a friend and they watched it they said that's complete BS and yes you should say something because that's just childish. I called another friend who said who cares let it ride no one watches her channel anyways. I guess it was the principle of the matter that I had worked with my ex's bestfriend on a cyber bullying campaign and thought it was pretty ironic if he was aware that she was putting this video out. My ex's bestfriend is a really nice guy so I felt the need to bring it up. I get his circle offering him support but it also made me feel like everyone was making fun of me and that my ex was definitly doing a "she's psycho" smear campaign. Given that I pulled that stunt of going to his apt, I have them amo.
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Here is the email I sent:
First off I want to say that I have a lot of respect for you and I'm grateful my ex has you as a friend. I really do think your genuine, a rare quality. I appreciate you helping me out when you did however I cant help but take the new video your girlfriend put out personally. It came in my YT feed as suggested video/channel this morning. There is no way you could tell me that this video was not inspired by mine and my ex's breakup or how things ended. If you were to say her video had nothing to with that, I'd say you were 1000% full of ___. Lol
Breakups are really hurtful especially when its losing a 3 year relationship with someone you love so much. There are always 2 sides of the story. Pain and Love can certainly make anyone do things out of character. If you really were with my ex the night I went to his apt you would know firsthand that he was hypomanic and ignoring me. Probably one of the cruelest things you could do to someone who loves you. Am I excusing my behavior, no. Is it crazy, absolultley not. Considering the situation and who knows if you even know the truth? I know the version of what my ex told me is not.Im sure my ex ran his She's Crazy campaign with all his friends to gain support however you should consider your source. My ex IS actually diagnosed with the mental illness of bipolar 2 and border line personality disorder. I honestly worry so much about if he's ok almost every day, still.
In any case it is what it is and everyone is entitled to their opinions, freedom of speech etc. I know she is her own person and can make a video on whatever the hell she wants. You may not even care about my feelings being hurt by this but they are. Maybe you never even considered that I'd see it but I also highly doubt that. Your to smart to be that dumb. This breakup has already been hard enough. Waking up and seeing a video like that makes me physically ill. I guess I just expected more integrity from your circle since we worked on a cyberbullying campaign together.
As you know entertainment is a not a huge circle and burning bridges could end up in getting Blacklisted if she's not careful ;-)
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The pain of the relationship came back and broke down in tears after I sent that email. I follow this with a reply to me ex's email from Tuesday saying "do not EVER contact me again"
The bestfriend replied back and said this was all misunderstanding and his girlfriends video was not about the breakup. I was taking it personally and that he had no idea the details of us breaking up. Only that my ex came back and told him one day that we weren't seeing each other anymore. He said he didn't bring it up or ask questions because he didn't want to get involved. He said sorry for my feelings being hurt and asked me to call him if I wanted to talk.
I had a problem with his response for 2 reasons. One was because in my gut I knew the situation was most likely what it was and he was doing damage control the best he could. Reason 2 was that my ex had told me when we broke up that when I went his apt (see back story) that he was at his bestfriend's house. He had a whole elaborate story on how his friend noticed all the text messages I was sending and told him not to respond. he also told me that he had to take the call of his roommate freaking out that I was there in front of the best friend... .when he later did tell me this excuse he also told me was being kicked (because of me) and as moving in with this friend. How could any of that be true with the response that his friend sent me? How could he not know details?
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Here is what i wrote back: Hey _______
You probably could have just left it at sorry and I would have been fine with that. Based off the stories/excuses my ex gave me on our last calls it would be incredibly hard for me to believe that video was a misunderstanding. You were included in all the stories he told me! I’m only going to explain to you so you can see where I’m coming from…
Keep in mind I 100% thought these were probably lies when he told them to me but this is what he left me with:
****My ex told me he was with you at your place the night I went and knocked on his door. He told me that he was getting annoyed by the texts I was sending because you were showing him how to edit. All the texts coming in he said I started to look like a "psycho" while you were teaching him how to learn the program and told him to not pay attention to them. He then said he was embarrassed when his roommate called him to tell him I came to his apt. that night while at your house. He said he did not show you the texts but you did hear the call. He said he had a hard time defending me to neighbors and friends saying that "I'm usually chill and not like that"... .? Lie?
*****He also told me that his roommate was being kicking him out of his apartment because I came that night and he was going to be staying at your place temporarily until he could move? More lies?
With him leaving me with those excuses how could I not think you wouldn’t know details? If they were lies that would explain things. Naturally if you were me and these were the excuses you were left with you'd feel like that video could have easily been based on everything. I still do. Your girl only had 3 examples of “crazy” and both had to do with our scenario. I mean really? If you wanted to talk about crazy ex’s it would be hacking into your ex’s bank account or slashing tires.In any case thank you for the apology. It’s not like you created that video. It felt targeted, tactless, immature and just mean. Very Mean Girls 2009. At this point it really doesn't matter. I’m an adult and can get past petty ___.
I’m not sure how much time you are around him. If not a whole lot I suspect that you will say fine. I was around him a LOT from Oct till March. He was here almost every night. It’s safe to say I know his normal behavior pretty well. I'm not sure what kind of state he's in now but prior to us splitting he was not well. He was anxious and depressed and started to show weird behavior weeks leading up to the split. He has up and down weeks and I’ve seen him manic for a day or two but this was different. At the beginning of the split (after the apt thing) I booked in with my therapist to help me process my feelings so that it didn’t feel like I was bleeding out of every pore.
She pretty much broke down both illnesses for me and a lot of his behavior began to make sense. Based off all I told her she felt that he could have been going into beginning stages of a hypomanic or manic state. He could have been through this and now it’s gone or he could still be going through it. Untreated it can last anywhere from a week to 8 months maybe years. He is not medicated and talking to his social worker best friend doesn’t cut if for a brain chemical imbalance. My therapist recommended that I communicate with one of his friends about his behavior if I had the chance to. You are the only one I know. I have to tell you that I think he needs help L
If you are open to this then I can send you over the events of what happened during that time. If you don’t want to be involved or know that’s fine too. I just think he might be going through wayyyy more than me or you know and please know I’m doing this because I want to see him get better. Either way I’d like for YOU to have it all documented just in case something does happen and a doctor starts asking questions about unstable behavior. At least you’ll have some history. I could be totally wrong but at least I know I tried to do the right thing. He has ignored me or has been really cold any time I’ve reached out to him because he’s mad or has someone new, whatever the excuse is this is not about that. Even though I’m not in his life, you still are. He will listen to you if you agree that there is need for concern. Let me know and Please Please Please keep this just between me and you.
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Ok so that was sent and he does not respond. I remember talking to a BP coach that told me if you get the opportunity even if it's slight to ffer help, do it. It may be your last and you never know if your offer is the one that starts the path to wellness. So I decide to wash my hands of it all and send him an attachment timeline along with this email... .Please tell me thoughts! I'm hoping I don't look crazy or manipulative by trying to offer help. I'm doing everything I can from the outside looking in knowing I cannot contact him.
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I'm going to pass this info off to you in hopes that you will at least read the link article. The xcel is a breakdown timeline of my ex's unwell behavior leading up to the break. At least I know I communicated this to someone else in his life. In my research I connected with a highly respected BP coach and author, _______ of ________.
He has helped me with some advice and offered to help reach out to my ex to have a conversation with him to help. ______ gets paid for this and willing to do it for me for trade (my services). He has already seen this timeline and said this is pretty typical behavior for someone who is untreated. He also reminded me that the longer that my ex goes without treatment the harder it is to convince them that they need help. They will cycle until they crash into a destruction (rock bottom)
Obviously presenting the info and the help that's offered is all I can do. It's up to you if you want to read it or figure out a plan to offer it to him. You may not be comfortable with that and I can totally understand. I just want to know that I did everything I could to help my ex out. ____is bipolar himself so he talks from both perspectives. He can possibly point my ex in the right direction to getting help or having a better understanding of his condition.
If you look at the timeline and link and you think that my ex could benefit from _______ please contact me. I can connect you with _____ direct so that you both can figure out connecting _____ with my ex. I am out of the equation. I will take care of whatever bill is a result of the first and second meeting. This is not an attempt to get my ex back in my life or manipulate anything. There is zero reason for me to lie about anything. Like I said, I think he could benefit from this help and I want to see him get well. He will continue to make effed up decisions and destroy relationships in his life if he keeps on this path. I promise I will never contact you about this again. I was advised that if I had the chance to offer help, take it! Please know you can always call me if he ever needs help. I'd be there.
Note: the xcel attachment that I sent had a LOT of personal info however it showed the unwell behavior crystal clear.
Back story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294353.msg12767579#msg12767579
