How to deal with the loneliness of NC

[Fie]

Hello everyone,

A week or two ago, I asked advice on this board, about whether it would be  a good idea to go NC with my family.

Since then I have kind of decided it is healthier for me and for my daughter to keep away as much as possible.

Going NC is not that big of a change : my family kind of is avoiding me already, especially since I told my mother that I think she has BPD. My father is codependent and has I think NPD traits ; my sister has BPD traits. So there is LC already, partly because they choose so, partly because I refuse to stay the scapegoat who participates as codependent in this dysfunctional mess.

Contact is already limited to special events like Christmas and the like, but I don't even think I still can bring it up  to go there even only on special occasions. I am so tired of their dysfunction, and I know that the only reason they want me to attend is just so they can pretend to be a happy family. They never ask about me, never visit us, etc.

So I am kind of used to being by myself. I have my daughter and a few good friends. I don’t consider myself unhappy, on the contrary. I have many things that go well in my life, and I’m  grateful for that.

But still the idea of NC  with my family is giving me some distress, especially lately, since my grandmother who I love very much, is dying. When she will be gone, there will be no one left (except my child of course). I have another grandmother still alive, but also uBPD. Realizing that I will be left alone with my daughter, although I am independent and quite strong, is making me feel lonely and distressed. I wish I could give my daughter a family to go to, at least on special events like Christmas.

Are there people in my situation ? How do you deal with this ?

Thank you so much.

[unicorn2014]

Yes and I'm going to tell my story in just a minute on another thread. I will share a tidbit here.

Last week my daughter finished 10th grade and got hired at her first official on the books job. My brother, mother and father all called her on her phone that I pay for  to congratulate her within 15 minutes of each other and put me down for being a stay at home mom. I've already confronted my father and my brother on this matter and they admitted to it, I have not heard back from my mom.

I belong to a very family centered religion so I am constantly reminded of how dysfunctional my parents are every time I go to church as I get to witness many healthy families raising their children and grandchildren  together in church. I was not raised in church. It causes me great pain however my church is my family now. Also notice the name of this website is BPD family? We can be a second or third or fourth family to you. You do not have to be alone with this.

In my case when my last grandmother died it threw the whole family into disarray because her will was contested on behalf of my father and I am in the middle of it. My mother never liked my grandmother however she was the kindest of all the relatives to me.

The best thing I can say is continue to educate yourself on BPD and continue to talk to people here.

I hope that helps!

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY FIE:

I can relate a bit to what you are going through.  Both my parents have passed recently (within 6 months of each other) and I'm in basically NC with my uBPD sister.  Our contact was limited to US Mail and now via our respective lawyers (to settle remaining issues from our parent's trust).  So, I'm a bit of an orphan as well. 

I'm so sorry that your grandma is in poor health.  Have you thought about whether you will go to the funeral when she passes? 

I have gotten used to being by myself as well.  Some of the up sides are that you aren't as stressed by looking for the perfect gift for too many people, you have a lot of flexibility around holidays,  less conflicts to be exposed to and maybe opportunities to take a fun trip during some holidays (without someone getting upset).

You mention you have friends.  Perhaps you can share a few occasions with a friend or two.  There can be opportunities to reach out and meet new people at a church, club, volunteer work, etc.  There can be volunteer opportunities around holidays in soup kitchens.

I have sailed through the holidays so far, without a case of "the poor me's".  That's not to say I won't hit a few bumps in the road in the future.  The one thing I think about is being hospitalized for something and thinking I have no family.

I've been in touch with my niece occasionally, but it's a bit awkward, due to NC with my sister.  Sometimes, I regret going NC with my sister, but then I review in my mind, the things she has done.  Should my sister decide to seek some therapy, then I would likely resume some level of contact.

Sometime I think that it would be nice to have something similar to a dating match website, only it would be to meet up with and adopt a mentally healthy family.  Maybe we could start a new business, .

Hang in there.  Feeling happy and being independent it good!  There are  pros and cons with each decision we make in regard to contact with our BPD family members.   I think when we have some remorseful thoughts, it might help to review the reasons why we made the decision we did.  We don't have to be NC forever, you could change it down the road.

I just found this article on this website about No Contact.  You might want to read it too.  Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[Fie]

Thank you both Unicorn and Naughty Nibbler for your thoughts on this.

Sometime I think that it would be nice to have something similar to a dating match website, only it would be to meet up with and adopt a mentally healthy family.  Maybe we could start a new business, .

Naughty Nibbler, that sounds like the best idea ever  

To everyone, please  post your story if it is similar to mine, and if you are up for it. I feel a great comfort just by knowing there are people in my situation, and I am so curious to know how you are dealing with it !

I am so delighted to have found this forum. It's like it's giving me more breating space   

[Notwendy]

Hi Fie, even though I am not NC with my mother, I too feel this loneliness. It's also because I don't have the experience of a mother who can care about me. She is too mentally sick and at this point ( elderly ) set in her ways to be motivated to change.

I am in touch with her, but beyond the idea of sharing anything personal about myself. It is as if we are aquaintances in that way. There was a time when our relationship felt toxic, but with lots of personal work, she doesn't get to me. But it is still sad as I think I see things as they are, not as I hoped or wished they were.

I have cried a lot over the losses of family that I thought I had a relationship with, but sometimes question what the basis of that relationship is. I don't feel as if these people ever knew me in the first place, but only saw what they projected on to me. I especially question my relationship to my father ( deceased ). I loved him as much as a daughter could, yet he'd turn his back on me in an instant if my mother demanded that. How could he do such a thing? But still, I consider him to be my only parent in the emotional sense.

When my father died , I "lost" what I thought was half my relatives and family friends on my mother's side. She was angry at me and painted me black to them. She ordered some of them not to speak to me. When he died, I didn't hear a word from them. I have not been in contact with any of them for years.

Who is my family? My immediate family, close friends, and relatives on my fathers side. These are people who can reciprocate the love and care I have for them. They know me- not their illusion of me.

It was sad to lose contact with people who I cared about and thought cared about me, but now I wonder- can you really lose what wasn't there in the first place. Family and friends who love me still do. Some close friends were more supportive when my father died than my mother's family. These are the friends who are family to me.

Consider making your friends your family.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Fie!  Sorry for what you're going through - I can understand why it feels weird and lonely - to cut off from family members, however good the reason, will always feel odd and extreme.  My experience sounds quite similar to Naughty Nibbler's - it is my sister who is uBPD I believe, but she only really turned on me after my Mum died 3 years ago, and made my life hell till I found a bit of courage, appointed a solicitor, and limited contact as far as I could.  If I hadn't done that, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown from the stress and sheer tsunami of nastiness that was coming at me every few days, and I know that I would never have been able to get the estate sorted with her - she was determined to make it as difficult and drawn out as possible.  To this day I think it is a miracle that we finally got properties sold and most of it sorted - it was thanks to the professionals I had around me - they could not believe her behaviour.   It wasn't so bad for me as for some people, as she lives just over an hour away, so there is no reason to bump into her, and although she has told various people terrible lies about me, the ones I care about know it's not true, though they'd rather not be involved as they care about her too.  I have no problem with that - there's nothing they can do, and I have no wish to put them in an awkward situation so we just don't really talk about it.  My close friends totally get it and have been 100% supportive.  I'm also "lucky" that we have no other siblings so although she tries to triangulate with various people - they are not people in my day to day life that I care about, so that doesn't affect me.  I have dropped off some people's Christmas Card list since my Mum died - these people haven't even spoken to me - they have clearly just swallowed all the stories.  But I can deal with that.  Going mainly NC, although the legal side isn't completely finished yet, gave me back my life and allowed me to stop ruminating, catastrophizing and obsessing about everything, and the strange thing is that I don't actually miss having her in my life.  I had always walked on eggshells around her, she had always been "difficult" which I had always managed to deal with before, I had all sorts of mechanisms for avoiding confrontation, defusing situations etc., but I can see now that it was quite exhausting, and so there is a big part of me that is hugely relieved she is not really in my life.  I never ever feel like I wish I could ring her or see her - I will never ever be in a room on my own again with her - I have no desire for any apology from her for what she put me through, I will be very content if, once this last legal bit is done, I never hear from her again.  While it sounds a bit dramatic to say that - that is how I feel.  I don't wish her any ill, if I hear that things are going well for her that is absolutely fine - to be honest - I don't think I really feel anything any more - and I think that is my psyche's way of coping with it and keeping me healthy. I  I felt guilty for a long time - don't know why - think I felt ashamed that anyone might believe her stories, and I partly doubted myself at first and wondered if I had unintentionally made her feel bad - but the accusations and stories got wilder and nastier and more absurd, and it was like a light went on in my head and said - "Whoa there!  That is more than enough!  I don't have to take this and I'm not going to any more"  I don't think there is anything she could do or say that would "guilt" me into any kind of relationship with her again - having come close to a nervous breakdown when her hate campaign was at its peak - I would never allow her to do that to me again.  I wish you well with your NC - look on it as a well-deserved holiday!  Best wishes.

[Notwendy]

Keeping a distance is especially hard since my mother is an elderly widow. I have pity for her- she is alone for the first time in her life. She married young and my father took care of her every need for the rest of his life. His main wish was for her to be as comfortable as possible, and he achieved that as much as anyone could. But he could not relieve her of her BPD.

Thankfully he left her with enough money to have her needs met and to hire help as she is elderly. The only difference now is that - as an elderly woman- it is normal for her to have help with daily tasks-driving, shopping, making appointments-etc, but this is no different than any other time of her life- he took care of her needs and when I visited, I was enlisted to be her caretaker too.

I might have continued to be more helpful ( codependent basically ) except when my father became ill, she became even more emotionally abusive to me. I couldn't take it emotionally. She would be so happy to have me wait on her hand and foot while she rages at me, but I can't do that.

Her behavior has alienated many people and now she is, really alone- except for hired help. Had we had a normal or even non abusive relationship, I would have moved her near me long ago. I think she wishes it would be like this too, but you might have think she'd have thought about this before she chose to treat her kids like she did. But we know her mental illness influenced this. I don't hold bad feelings towards her, I just don't want to be the recipient of her projections and rages.

I feel sorry for her, but I have to also honor my own sanity. Her physical needs are met. I visit her. But there isn't a lot of warm fuzzy emotions between us.

[HappyChappy]

To address the “Loneliness of NC”  I think it’s only natural Fie, for you to feel a bit loanly given your circumstances. I’ve been NC for several years and the lonely feeling passes as soon as I linked up with the outside world more.

Part of the healing process is for us to change, NC is change of a type.  We have decided to replace dysfunctional relationships with hopefully more functional ones. So NC is one way to do that, but Notwendy you also demonstrate another valid approach, which is to visit you mom, but under new healthier rules of engagement. Not always on the BPD terms and such you don’t become emeshed.



One poster once said “Now I’ve healed I seam to make healthier relationships and never look back.” But I guess easier said than done. But I have to say, I was brought up by my friends and saved by their more functional wisdom. But then when I came under the influence of the BPD dynamic, it dragged me back down, until I went NC. Now I’m strong enough to hold my boundaries and will probably get back in touch. But the common ground here is the need for us to change probably (‘cause a BPD probably won’t). Let be honest we kids of BPD are awesome (or splendid if you're British) considering what we've weathered. Here's to us. 

[Sarah girl]

Hi Fie  

I am currently LC with my BPD mom. Long story short, I was parentified from a very young age and stuck in the FOG until a few years ago. It was extremely difficult to establish LC since my mom resisted with extreme hostility every step of the way. She still does and the guilt is quite present. When I first went LC, I remember the moment that I felt like an orphan. My mom is my only real link to my family. I do have a very large extended family but was only allowed access to them through my mom. She always wanted to strictly control all contact I had with them.

My dad left over a decade ago and I hven't had any contact with him at all. My mom has repeatedly told me that if I attempt contact, she will end our relationship permanently. So you can say that I'm no stranger to solitude.

I also have a golden child brother who used to come around often but has completely retreated from my life out of loyalty to my mom. I think that this is the thing that I have the hardest time with. I love my brother and we get along as people. My husband and kids also adore him. It's painful to say the least.

There is quite a bit of dysfuntion and mental illness on my husband's side too. His mom is a diagnosed pwBPD with Munchausen's. His dad is NPD and there is also sexual abuse on his side from his grandma. We were estranged from his parents for several years but now see them on occasion with very strict boundaries. Hubby's brother has severe drug issues and has stolen from us as well as assaulted me. We are estranged from him.

Can you imagine what holidays are like with my family? I feel particularly sad and lonely when I observe other healthy families sincerely loving and accepting one another and enjoying each other's company  :'( I know that they would never understand why I wouldn't want to see my mom who can seem like a kind and lovely person.

My philosophy is that we are all basically on our own in this world.  If we come across kindness and love along the way, that's just gravy. And family is not necessarily those we are related to by blood. I mourn regularly. I have to learn to let go on an almost daily basis. I face my pain and give myself permission to feel it so that I can move on.

But I'm also grateful for my life now. For the first time, I'm spreading my wings. And quite frankly, I'm just starting to get to know myself as an individual. All the noise is gone and I can finally breathe and think and just be myself. This precious space has helped me to realize that I have kind of been an orphan all my life. So I appreciate the accepting and loving people I encounter.