Release with grace/detachment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here goes my second day of detaching and releasing with grace. I had a long list of detaching goals yesterday and I did a lot of them, except the ones that had specifically to do with her (texting and social media). I'm going to set my sights a little lower today and just try not to text her.




1) Social media: This time around there is social media (she just got on Facebook), so I'm going to unfollow her there and try not to check it at all. 

2) Not call her or text her (but respond with BIFF if she does).

3) Remember that she has a bad mental illness and that some of the mean stuff she did at the end is a result of the disordered thinking. Forgive her and forgive myself for not being able to hang in there.

4) Be grateful that I'm not split black (as of yet), and that we had something of an amicable parting.

5) Get on with my own life-- make to do lists each morning, exercise, and do something fun.

6) Be social.

7) Deal with my FOO issues. The one that really showed up here was that when someone is replacing me, I desperately want them to not go and fight it hard 'cause it is reminiscent of my relationship with my mom (I was her best friend until she would get a boyfriend and then I would be "replaced"-- ouch). So I have to remember that that struggle to keep the person close made sense when I was little (my mom) but does not make sense now.

8) Imagine myself well and healthy and smiling. Picture it.

9) When the pain comes (and it is coming hard but intermittently) watch it and lean into it. Notice the physical feelings. Focus on them. Tell myself I'm not going to die from them, from heartbreak.

10) remind myself of the pro and con list, where the cons way outnumbered and out-intensified the pros.

[kc sunshine]

Here goes my second day of detaching and releasing with grace. I had a long list of detaching goals yesterday and I did a lot of them, except the ones that had specifically to do with her (texting and social media). I'm going to set my sights a little lower today and just try not to text her.




1) Social media: This time around there is social media (she just got on Facebook), so I'm going to unfollow her there and try not to check it at all. 

2) Not call her or text her (but respond with BIFF if she does).

3) Remember that she has a bad mental illness and that some of the mean stuff she did at the end is a result of the disordered thinking. Forgive her and forgive myself for not being able to hang in there.

4) Be grateful that I'm not split black (as of yet), and that we had something of an amicable parting.

5) Get on with my own life-- make to do lists each morning, exercise, and do something fun.

6) Be social.

7) Deal with my FOO issues. The one that really showed up here was that when someone is replacing me, I desperately want them to not go and fight it hard 'cause it is reminiscent of my relationship with my mom (I was her best friend until she would get a boyfriend and then I would be "replaced"-- ouch). So I have to remember that that struggle to keep the person close made sense when I was little (my mom) but does not make sense now.

8) Imagine myself well and healthy and smiling. Picture it.

9) When the pain comes (and it is coming hard but intermittently) watch it and lean into it. Notice the physical feelings. Focus on them. Tell myself I'm not going to die from them, from heartbreak.

10) remind myself of the pro and con list, where the cons way outnumbered and out-intensified the pros.

[Cynthia]

I also have taken the high road, knowing that he has an illness. I want to be able to know, despite what he (or anyone else) may say, that I did the right thing. That I wasn't  mean or spiteful, that when all this is over I can sleep at night know I did my best for all of us, him included.

[steelwork]

I wish you strength today, kc! I'll stand in for JQ here and say

You can do this! Take yourself out in the beautiful June world!  Take out your earbuds and listen to the sounds of life around you!  One mile is good, two miles is better! You have a dog, yes? Your dog will love the extra attention you can give her/him, now that you are not busy looking at Facebook! And let me be the first to welcome you to your new life, which can now begin because you aren't clinging to a broken relationship!

I'm no good at JQ-ing or emoticons.

Whenever you feel like texting, write US the text instead, okay?

[kc sunshine]

Thanks wonderful gang! Your words are the best, and so comforting. It is almost 8:30 and I haven't texted! And didn't even feel much of an urge to. I still checked my phone a lot with the hope that she would have texted or called and still get that awful crushing feeling when I saw that she hadn't. I'm also in the stage where I'm talking everyone's (my mom and my friends) ear off about it-- thank goodness for their patience and love. Now for a one mile (or better yet, two!) sometime tonight... .<3

I wish you strength today, kc! I'll stand in for JQ here and say

You can do this! Take yourself out in the beautiful June world!  Take out your earbuds and listen to the sounds of life around you!  One mile is good, two miles is better! You have a dog, yes? Your dog will love the extra attention you can give her/him, now that you are not busy looking at Facebook! And let me be the first to welcome you to your new life, which can now begin because you aren't clinging to a broken relationship!

I'm no good at JQ-ing or emoticons.

Whenever you feel like texting, write US the text instead, okay?

[steelwork]

Glad to hear it!

Funny, I filled that message with ~~~ and   and crazy font colors, but then it showed up all drab.

[Wantingtochange]

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Just keep going! Take your power back, take your life back! Congrats on day 2!

[kc sunshine]

Here goes another day! I dreamt about my ex and woke up thinking of her and still felt bad when I saw that she didn't text or call, but the anxiety about it is a little less. And last night I felt a refreshing cool

anger about the cruelty. We are survivors.

I'm going to try not to text today either .

[khibomsis]

You can do this KC! Lean into the pain. Hell, write bad poetry if you must. I did and still have reams of it. It was useful to re-read whenever I was tempted to seek a recycle.

Post us whenever the urge to text comes on.

OK, now to see if I can do a JQ:

      , Khib

[kc sunshine]

You guys are the total best!

I've already done the bad poetry thing (and sent it to her while we were breaking up... .oops, gulp... .I won't do that again!)

Here's the poem:

My last night in Ohio

A happy ending of sorts

My love in someone else’s arms

Me gliding through the warm waters at midnight, free

Frenzied young fireflies exploding in the trees,

Millions of them

Steady glowing stars—even more of them—

watching the fireflyworks from above like calm older siblings

And the smell!

Wild rose, intoxicating and invasive,

Delicious even though I know

It spells disaster

Like her perfume on you

When you’d come home to me

There was a moment went I thought I lost my friend on the dark lake

But I called for her and she was still there

The night safe again, a way home sure

If unknown

You can do this KC! Lean into the pain. Hell, write bad poetry if you must. I did and still have reams of it. It was useful to re-read whenever I was tempted to seek a recycle.

Post us whenever the urge to text comes on.

OK, now to see if I can do a JQ:

      , Khib

[unsureuncertain]

I think this is a very good list and is so helpful that I am going to borrow some tips for myself. Hanks for sharing.

[kc sunshine]

Here goes day 4 of release with grace and detachment. She called yesterday and I didn't answer it, but called later and left a message (and was relieved when she wasn't home). We texted a bit this morning, and both kept it BIFF. I haven't checked her or her other partners' facebook pages and don't really have a huge urge to do so. My main thing is wanting to be on this site a lot (like night and day!), so I think it is serving as a replacement in some senses. Thank goodness for this site-- I'm so grateful.

I haven't really been able to get back to work (I work from home) since the break- today I'm going to try to do a little work. All I really feel like though is being on here-- I guess emotional healing and grieving takes work and time too, so I'm trying not to beat myself up for that. And also trying to think that in healing from this breakup, I'm doing the big time healing of my FOO issues, so it is big and important and hopefully life-changing and I shouldn't short-change it in terms of time or attention.   

[C.Stein]

I've already done the bad poetry thing (and sent it to her while we were breaking up... .oops, gulp... .I won't do that again!)

I did as well, posted it somewhere on this site.  Probably was a waste of paper.   :'(

[kc sunshine]

Wow, today is a painful one. Almost two weeks post-break up, 5 days of release with grace. She called this morning and we had a brief and very friendly talk. She sounded very happy. It is painful. I've got that hollow feeling in my stomach and am having difficulty staying present with my kids. I have resisted checking her social media though, and sending her any texts. I'm going to exercise now, and then also hopefully do a little work.

[khibomsis]

Hey KC, you still standing right? So claim a victory for today! Indeed, emotional pain takes its own toll. So each day you are not collapsed in a sobbing whimpering heap on the floor is a good day. Trust me. I've been there.  In the beginning of the year when my niece's BPD diagnosis plunged me into depression I hung on this site for hours each night. It really does help, I guess misery loves company. Plus it was nice to follow people as they came out of the dumps and stared healing. Made me feel that this too shall pass. And it does.

Actually I really liked your poem. Deep.

   , Khib