how to focus on yourself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello again. Thank you all for the advice. One common piece of advice I've been getting in order to move forward is to stop thinking about her and the past and think about myself. I don't know how to do this. I wake up thinking of her constantly. I am doing everything possible not to contact her because I know it will get me no where. Can anyone offer some insight as to how to think of myself and heal? Maybe that's the root of all my pain is that I don't want to look at myself I'm scared of it I don't know. I think a big part of all this is boredom... .what the hell do I do with all the time? Any advice on how to take care of myself is greatly appreciated

[Venny]

Hello again. Thank you all for the advice. One common piece of advice I've been getting in order to move forward is to stop thinking about her and the past and think about myself. I don't know how to do this. I wake up thinking of her constantly. I am doing everything possible not to contact her because I know it will get me no where. Can anyone offer some insight as to how to think of myself and heal? Maybe that's the root of all my pain is that I don't want to look at myself I'm scared of it I don't know. I think a big part of all this is boredom... .what the hell do I do with all the time? Any advice on how to take care of myself is greatly appreciated

[DazedD40]

Listen first off im very new to this and can relate to what you have mentioned. The obsessive thoughts, the constant head f&*k that seemingly never stops and consumes you whole.

Im 6 weeks from the discard and although im still in contact to an exstent i have managed to drag myself off the sofa and establish some routine in my life. I stopped for 3 weeks, didnt eat, couldnt sleep, ignored friends, family and the world in general and didnt go to work. I had to force myself to start taking care of myself again so i started to take care of my basic needs, not my ex's but my own. I started eating, excersizing and sleeping better which in turn gave me the energy to clamber off the sofa and get my sorry arse in to work establishing a routine again. By no means has this been easy and trust me i wake up most mornings feeling depressed and incapable of getting on with my day but througfh gritted teeth i get up and get on and to be honest its helped me no end.

I still obsess, it still cripples me, i still go home and cry and i still want to run to the hills and isolate however i will not allow myself to be defeated. At the end of my day i look back over it and ask myself, what self care have i given myself today, i then write these things down so i can see in black and white the positive things i have done for myself as well as writing a gratitude list for why im happy to be here.

Theres a long way to go for me and im no where near getting back on track but remember its the small things that then grow in to bigger steps. Stick around on these boards, read, listen and learn and that will help.

It does ease but we have to take steps for that process to start. -

[Dhand77]

Hello again. Thank you all for the advice. One common piece of advice I've been getting in order to move forward is to stop thinking about her and the past and think about myself. I don't know how to do this. I wake up thinking of her constantly. I am doing everything possible not to contact her because I know it will get me no where. Can anyone offer some insight as to how to think of myself and heal? Maybe that's the root of all my pain is that I don't want to look at myself I'm scared of it I don't know. I think a big part of all this is boredom... .what the hell do I do with all the time? Any advice on how to take care of myself is greatly appreciated

Hey Venny,

I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. It took months for me to get my brain back to a some what normal functioning state. I couldn't get her out of my head. I'd mutter and talk to myself like a crazy person. I'd dream about her. I couldn't focus. I couldn't get into any activities. If I hung out with friends I'd just end up talking about her. This went on for about 3 or 4 months. As time went by, I stopped muttering like a nutter, I think about her less(although still too often for my liking). I hang out with friends and don't even bring her up. I'm getting into things now. I feel like I'm getting my brain back.  For this, time is a big factor. The more time goes by, the easier it gets. I know it's hard, buddy. You just want to be done with it all. You want it to pass as quickly as possible. But it's a slow, non-linear process that WILL make you a stronger person in the end.

I'd like to add, that also in time, self awareness will awaken in you. As time goes on, you'll find yourself VERY aware of your own life. For me, I realized that I'm just not the guy I was before the break up. In a way, I'm not even the same person my ex was in a relationship with. I'm growing from this and I will continue to grow, just as you will Venny. You'll grow a great deal from this.

As for boredom or the constant dwelling. I set out to find a second job for night work. It keeps me busy, which helps keeping me focused. It allows me to meet new people and socialize more AND it helps put more money in my pocket so I can purchase my own home in about 2 years. When your self awareness starts to blossom(which was about 4 months after my discard) you'll realize who YOU really are, and you'll never want to go back to who you thought you were.

You'll get through this, Venny. We all will.

[rfriesen]

Hey Venny,

Like Dazed and Dhand, I know exactly what you mean about the constant obsessive thoughts. It's a terrible state to be and I'm by no means finished with it myself. But I'd just like to second what Dazed and Dhand have said -- there really is no shortcut. I remember for the first few weeks after the final break-up with my ex, I just kept thinking, "If only the constant obsessive thoughts and sinking feeling would go, then I could get on with things, could start to rebuild." It took what felt like forever to wrap my mind around the fact that FIRST I had to get on with things, start to function, and only THEN would the obsessive thoughts and sinking feeling start to get better. And it certainly doesn't give immediate or consistent results. For me it was a matter of finally accepting and believing that nothing could be unhealthier than going back to my ex, so that there really was no choice but to push through the misery.

Basically, you can't wait for your mind and heart to clear before forcing yourself to get into some kind of healthy routine - eating well, sleeping well, getting out of the house to exercise, talk with people, whatever you can to get back to a semblance of normal ... .and then slowly you'll start to obsess less. Trust me, once it starts happening you'll see that time does heal things, if you just stick with a healthy routine and take care of yourself. And then, as Dhand says, you'll start to learn a lot about yourself. You won't be the same again -- which at first felt awful for me. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the person I was before I met my ex. But this is a chance to choose a new path and set new goals. The way I look at it now is that I'm still going to be feeling pretty down for a while yet, so I might as well set habits and choose activities that I want to have long term. Since nothing feels particularly good right now, there's no sense moping -- might as well invest in work, learning, exercise, and other things that will do me good.

Believe me, I know how much easier this is to say than to do. And I'm certainly not firing on all cylinders myself. But the only way forward is to absolutely force yourself to carry on with healthy habits and a productive routine, to whatever extent you can. And once you take a few steps in that direction, you realise that it IS possible to carry on with your day, even when on the inside it's all obsessive thoughts and sadness. And just that realisation starts to give you a sense of power back. You come to realise that you get to choose what you do with your life, even when your feelings won't comply and make it easy. You have to trust that, over time, your feelings will come around as you set new habits and practices.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Venny,

I'd like to recommend that you read 'From Abandonment to Healing' if you haven't already done so. I've been posting for over a year but never bothered with the books. I'm just reading it now. I wish I'd read it before. It's very helpful.

LW x

[rfriesen]

I just want to add -- you say you keep getting the advice to stop thinking of her and start thinking about yourself. In my humble opinion, this advice isn't quite right - because, as you're finding out, you're not in control of your thoughts. We have no direct control over our thoughts and feelings. We can't just choose to stop thinking of someone or to stop feeling anxious or sad or listless or whatever. We have much more control over what we do. It's not always easy, but when we have thoughts or feelings that are unpleasant, the best thing to do is acknowledge them, maybe even observe them closely, and then realise that they don't dictate how we respond to them.

In life, we've all learned ways to cope with and respond to unpleasant thoughts and feelings. But sometimes those coping mechanisms become unhelpful or even harmful. It's just really hard to shake them, so we tend to keep repeating them. I'm trying to look at my situation as a chance to set down healthier responses to unpleasant thoughts and feelings -- above all, to face them head on and realise that I can get on with my day even as I have these unpleasant thoughts and feelings.

[once removed]

hi Venny  

speaking from my own experience, i would not expect to be able to shift the focus to yourself over night, or necessarily very quickly.

shifting the focus to yourself is a good goal for healing and recovery, since we are the only ones we are in control of. it can mean different things in different contexts. you have gotten a great deal of good advice for taking good care of yourself. that is one way, and it is key; since things are still very raw, it is probably the most pertinent context right now.

when i was going through the obsessing and endless ruminating, it eventually got to the point where obsessing and ruminating about myself was a welcome respite. i probably went overboard with it, trying to pinpoint what i thought my own issues might be. it was, nonetheless, a way to begin to counteract my endless thoughts of my ex and give myself some mental breathing room, and it got the ball moving in a new direction. it sounds like you are doing that on some level when you say "maybe thats the root of all my pain is that i dont want to look at myself im scared of it".

thats okay; i think many of us are, and this is completely understandable when we are knee deep in grief. grieve and mourn your relationship. feel your feelings. slowly, but surely, as you are ready, begin to probe those feelings and dig further into them  

[C.Stein]

Venny,

You won't be able to stop thinking about her.  I think the goal at this stage is more about not letting your thoughts of her define who you are as a person, be it your own self-perception or acting on your feelings without rational thought to the consequences to yourself.

It is hard!  I could think of nothing other than my ex for many, many months.   Even now it seems like I am thinking about her all the time.  Thinking about yourself right now is going to be more about not making unhealthy choices.  Focusing on yourself right now means not letting your emotions negatively impact your life, not letting your loss damage you any more than it already has.  You probably feel like you are stuck in a pit of quicksand slowly sinking.  Let this site be the branch you can use to pull yourself out.   

Eventually you will get to a place where you can think/examine yourself and the role you played in the relationship.  You aren't there yet and it is OK.  :)on't force it, you will know when you are ready.