Advice on Breaking Trauma Bonds?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I'm tired of struggling with the longing to have my abuser contact me, the hope that maybe things could work out, and all of the conflicting emotions that come with the demise of an abusive r/s.

I have started researching trauma bonds. There seems to be a plethora of information about what causes them, but I've not run across many suggestions about how to break them. Mostly, people seem to just be saying that it takes time. One site even stated that research shows that after 6 months, the bond has decreased by 27%. While that provides some hope, that also means that 73% of the bond's strength over me will remain. To me, that's less than encouraging.

I know that I have trouble feeling angry toward my abuser. The anger is diminished by the compassion that I feel for her internal suffering. From what I gather, this response is a result of the trauma bond.

I also know that the loyalty that I have for my abuser keeps the bond strong. While it's easy to ask how a person could be loyal to someone who abused him, the reality is that the loyalty still exists. Again, probably as a result of the trauma bonds.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to break the trauma bonds? CBT won't work for me in this situation. Cognitively I know that I need to stop the loyalty and compassion; emotionally, it's a completely different story.

[Meili]

So, I'm tired of struggling with the longing to have my abuser contact me, the hope that maybe things could work out, and all of the conflicting emotions that come with the demise of an abusive r/s.

I have started researching trauma bonds. There seems to be a plethora of information about what causes them, but I've not run across many suggestions about how to break them. Mostly, people seem to just be saying that it takes time. One site even stated that research shows that after 6 months, the bond has decreased by 27%. While that provides some hope, that also means that 73% of the bond's strength over me will remain. To me, that's less than encouraging.

I know that I have trouble feeling angry toward my abuser. The anger is diminished by the compassion that I feel for her internal suffering. From what I gather, this response is a result of the trauma bond.

I also know that the loyalty that I have for my abuser keeps the bond strong. While it's easy to ask how a person could be loyal to someone who abused him, the reality is that the loyalty still exists. Again, probably as a result of the trauma bonds.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to break the trauma bonds? CBT won't work for me in this situation. Cognitively I know that I need to stop the loyalty and compassion; emotionally, it's a completely different story.

[once removed]

I know that I have trouble feeling angry toward my abuser. The anger is diminished by the compassion that I feel for her internal suffering. From what I gather, this response is a result of the trauma bond.

maybe, maybe not. anger wasnt a significant part of my detachment process, most of it went out the window when i learned about BPD. i had a little bit toward the end of the process, mostly just wanting her to know what i knew. we all move through the stages of grief differently.

is having trouble feeling angry something you have a history of or is this situational?

[C.Stein]

I still feel bonded, loyal and committed to my ex, but that feeling has diminished over time (10.5 months since being introduced to the trash can).  I have absolutely zero reason to feel this way yet I still do and it drives me crazy.  

I believe one of the ways to break the trauma bond is to understand what created the bond to begin with.  Once you can get a handle on this it will be easier to break it and it will still take time.

So what do you think are the main causes of your trauma bond?

[Meili]

is having trouble feeling angry something you have a history of or is this situational?

I've never been one to harbor anger. Sure, I get mad, but once that moment has passed, I'm no longer attached to it.

So what do you think are the main causes of your trauma bond?

I'm not sure if you are asking why I was so susceptible to the trauma bond developing, or what my x did, so I'll try to answer both.

I have a long history of abuse starting from a very early age with my FOO. The dynamic has played out in most of r/s. My most recent x was no different in that regard. What does seem to be different is how I have responded to her and how bonded I am to her. The bond is unique to this r/s.

I think that it is so strong because how completely she drew me into the r/s. The entire time that it was happening, I was certain that I was maintaining a healthy distance and my sense of self. She and I would even fight because when asked, I would tell her that I would be fine if the r/s would end. I had been completely enmeshed in a past r/s and almost died (literally, suicide attempted) as a result. I refused to allow myself to not maintain my individuality in the r/s. Well, at least I thought that's what I was doing.

In the prior r/s that I mentioned about, I was not as bonded to that person though. Yes, I felt completely devoid of any individuality after she left, but that was different from the connection to my most recent x. In the prior situation, I understood that the r/s was over. In this one, I seem to be caught in denial about the ending and, even though I ended it, I don't seem to actually want it to be over.

I believe that it was the intensity of all of it. The "passion" that I saw in my most recent x that played out in the form of the level of pain that she would feel when something didn't go the way she expected or wanted. Also, I felt important and that she actually needed me in her world.

I guess that it is possible that what I'm feeling is the sadness from the rejection and that I no longer feel that I have a purpose and no one needs me that is keeping the bond so strong. My infantile (I use that term not as an insult to myself, but rather because of my undeveloped psyche) need to be as important to someone as I felt that I was to my x. It was intoxicating to say the least.

[HoneyB33]

Meili I totally get that feeling. I'm not sure about how you feel about your ex, but for me I struggled a lot with the trauma bound, and I think a lot of it had to do with the rejection. If your ex was trying to contact you, etc, you'd feel a value to yourself. And what is so messy in relationships with these ppl is that all the normal responses go out the window. Either they feel worthless and you're playing clean up, or they're saying you're worthless. It's really fun.

Something I have struggled a lot with for myself, is that I totally take people's behavior towards me really personally. Rather than seeing it as a reflection about them, and the relationship they have with themselves. I think that has been my greatest struggle in this.

I totally get wanting that validation. And I don't know how you feel about your ex, so if you really want to be back with her, or if you are feeling the trauma bond. I can say for myself that I SO wanted out of the relationship with my ex, but when she rejected me like a piece of trash, it totally created this desire in me for her that wasn't true to how I actually felt. I think what I really wanted was for there to be an actual resolve. I cared about my ex, I thought she cared about me, and so I wanted things to resolved. We could go on with our lives and be kind to one another. Even be friends, who knows. But BPD ppl put an axe right down the middle of all of that. You have to watch them waist literally months or even years of what you built with them. When all there would have to be is a simple apology, instead they just throw you under the bus again and again. I think the trauma bond and even obsessive thoughts take such hold of us, because it is SO simple to us to just have some human decency. We're so frustrated because these ppl won't lift even a finger for us or themselves. And so we just have to watch this relationship fall into ruin. It's horrible.

So I guess I would say (and again I really am just speaking from my experience) to keep challenging how you feel about this person. You left for a reason. Don't believe those feelings to mean you have feelings for her, but that maybe you want what is rightfully yours. I wanted my ex to be kind to me again. I wanted her to treat me with the value that I deserved, because she literally treated me like the opposite of who I am. And I wanted her to stop lying. I wanted her to come clean. But I think more than anything I wanted her to acknowledged me for the person that I knew I was. I think that maybe that is the hardest thing about these ppl. They try to treat you like you are literally the opposite of who you are because they can't face it. So I think trauma bonds have less to do with these ppl, and more about reaching for ourselves. We're reaching to believe in ourselves again.

So in what to DO about all of it. I'd say keep feeling. Your heart knows the truth. And keep believing in yourself. Literally mediate upon it if you need to.

[HoneyB33]

Also, I was reminded of this quote in this, so thought I would share it with you:

"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all." -Yogi Bhajan

This is the quote I think of all the time when I am taking people's behavior personally, rather than seeing it as a reflection about them.

[Meili]

It's OK Honey833, I'm not sure how I feel about my x either!

But, seriously, I love people not my r/s with them. I love her, but not the r/s that I had with her.  I will say that I do miss the illusionary (or, is that delusionary?)  r/s that we had though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the quote that you posted. I suppose that it's probably true for many, but (and this is off-topic) when I compare how I treated my x with who I am, I reflected just the opposite of myself in the way that I treated her when we were together. Given the Lonely/Vulnerable Child and Abandoned Child discussion in other threads yesterday, I would say that this holds true for many people.

I feel (and did before I met my x) worthless and unlovable. Yet, from the moment that I met her, I treated her as worthwhile and someone that I could love. When she mirrored that back to me, I gave more and she mirrored that too. All the while, I still felt worthless and unlovable. So, I don't think that it's always true that the way that people treat another person is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Or, am I misunderstanding what you are trying to convey?

But, back to trauma bonds... .

[JerryRG]

I like this quote Honey


"If you are willing to look at another person's behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all." -Yogi Bhajan

It defines how my exgf treated me and my not knowing this was coming from her illness, at the time I could not comprihend why someone would deliberately hurt someone else.

My therapist tried to get me to understand my exgf was only treating me the way she felt about herself. Unfortunately she still hasn't gotten the understanding of this thinking.

[once removed]

But, back to trauma bonds... .

I feel (and did before I met my x) worthless and unlovable. Yet, from the moment that I met her, I treated her as worthwhile and someone that I could love. When she mirrored that back to me, I gave more and she mirrored that too. All the while, I still felt worthless and unlovable.

i find that one of the hooks with mirroring, is that we are seeing the reasons we want to be loved, reflected in someone elses eyes. its certainly true that no one can complete us, but this level of mirroring may make a dormant part of ourselves feel alive. and often (hardly always) we treat others the way we want them to treat us. any of that ring true?

im having a difficult time putting this into words: you felt worthless and unloveable. a person with BPD tends to feel worthless and unloveable (speaking of her, not implying you have BPD). while you both had these feelings, you treated each other as worthwhile and someone you could love. these feelings (beliefs) can only come from the inside.

[Meili]

Yes, the mirroring stuff does ring true.

I know that she felt worthless and unlovable. She told me that when we were together. She also told me she hated herself because no one could ever love her. Because I am all too familiar with these feelings, I have deep empathy and compassion for her. I'm pretty sure that's part of the reason that it's so hard for me to let go of the r/s.

After one of our many fights/splits and her intense charming, I asked her why she thought it was acceptable to enter my house uninvited, refuse to leave when I told her too, and demand that she get her way. Her response was that she wants someone to love her enough to do things like that to her. At the time I found it an odd position. Now that I have a deeper understanding, I really wish that I could have been secure enough in her feelings for me to act like that. The fear of being arrested overrides any such feelings that I might have had. I guess that she loved me more than I loved her.

I'm not sure that I understand the "these feelings (beliefs) can only come from the inside" comment though. In my depressed state, I see that as a glimmer of hope. I'm really not strong enough right now to believe that there is any hope, so I'm hoping that I'm misunderstanding.

[C.Stein]

I'm not sure that I understand the "these feelings (beliefs) can only come from the inside" comment though. In my depressed state, I see that as a glimmer of hope. I'm really not strong enough right now to believe that there is any hope, so I'm hoping that I'm misunderstanding.

Her mirror of you is worthwhile and lovable.  The reflection in her mirror of you is one of a worthwhile and lovable person.  That comes from within you even if you don't realize it.

[Meili]

Meaning that, at least at some point, I found myself worthwhile and lovable?

Well, that's certainly true. When I was with her I certainly felt that way.

[C.Stein]

Meaning that, at least at some point, I found myself worthwhile and lovable?

Well, that's certainly true. When I was with her I certainly felt that way.

Essentially yes.  You feel this way about yourself even if you don't realize it.  Sometimes it is hard to connect with those feelings when you are in the dump, so to speak.  I know I have had a hard time with it after being thrown away like trash and this is to be expected, especially after giving so much of yourself to the person who did the throwing away.  Remember our exs do not define our self-worth and I know it is really hard for you to believe that right now.   

[Meili]

hhmmm... .I think that mine is probably more squarely tied to my FOO than my x.

I suppose that I do know that it is possible for someone to love me and that I have worth to someone. But, that is generally realized in terms of needs that I fulfill for them. I honestly felt loved by my x though. To find out that wasn't true has been devastating to me. In essence, she has substantiated all of the things that my FOO taught me about myself; as long as I'm filling a need, I am worthy. But, once I stop, I'm unworthy.

[C.Stein]

hhmmm... .I think that mine is probably more squarely tied to my FOO than my x.

I suppose that I do know that it is possible for someone to love me and that I have worth to someone. But, that is generally realized in terms of needs that I fulfill for them. I honestly felt loved by my x though. To find out that wasn't true has been devastating to me. In essence, she has substantiated all of the things that my FOO taught me about myself; as long as I'm filling a need, I am worthy. But, once I stop, I'm unworthy.

I understand.  It can be hard to believe in yourself when important people in your life don't.  What do you think you can do for yourself to provide your own sense of worth?  Some people I think do volunteer work for this reason.  Thoughts?

[Meili]

Well, that's kinda the $60,000,000 question. After 40+ years I haven't been able to answer it.

Volunteer work doesn't actually help. Most of my life is dedicate to the service of and helping others. I just feel empty when it's over and things are right back where they started.

My T and I actually went over this today. I'm a high sensation-seeker, so when something is over, I tend to ignore that it ever happened and move on to the next thing that provides stimulus. This creates an emptiness within me; always searching for the next "high" from the adrenaline and endorphins. The successes and achievements that come with the activities are meaningless to me because I'm instantly on the hunt for the next rush. I have discovered that sharing those things with others does provide some relief, but that is in the form of their elation about what happened.

This was one of the best things about my r/s with my x. She was also a sensation-seeker. She loved the attention and accolades that she got from it. She would tell the same stories over and over to anyone that would listen and I'd get a sense of worth that way.

[once removed]

I'm not sure that I understand the "these feelings (beliefs) can only come from the inside" comment though.

i guess what i mean is that another person cant give those feelings (beliefs) to you.

you attempted to fill a person who believes they are unloveable with love; you share the belief that you are unloveable. she mirrored the love you attempted to fill her with, and yes, you touched on the fact that this gave you a sense of self worth (in varying ways, that was a hook for most of us) but this did not give you the genuine sense that you are loveable. as you described, once it stopped, it seemed to "confirm" the idea that you are unworthy (the mirror broke).

it is good that on some level you realize that someone can love you and that you have worth to someone. i would advise that in all likelihood, before that can happen, it is something you will have to learn to provide to yourself - loving yourself, having worth to yourself. obviously this doesnt happen over night.

it also sounds like you are making fantastic strides, you are seeing a T, you have made FOO connections, and youve stumbled on something that you have in common with plenty of members - being a high sensation-seeker. it sounds like you are really on the right track to recovery.

[Meili]

Thank you once removed.

I understand and agree that you're right about my needing to find those things within myself before I can truly see another seeing them in me.

I really struggle with the idea of who was actually mirroring who and which mirror shattered (although, ultimately, both did). Was it my Lonely Child, or her Abandoned Child?

I suspect that, in reality, we both wanted so badly to feel loved by and important to the other that we both tried to project.

In all honesty, I have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally. She stood by me as my friend through everything that happened with my x. She hated watching me do it to myself and it hurt her, but she allowed me to do what I needed to do for me. She believes that I'm worth much more than I'll probably ever give myself credit. She wants nothing but happiness for me, even if that means that she isn't in my life. Even when I tell her that she's wasting her time and that she deserves someone in her life who isn't as broken as I am. She stays. She waits patiently. She helps when she can. She stays away when I need her to. Yet, I dismiss the idea of ever having anything to do with her because I feel unworthy.

My T thinks that I'm wrong for dismissing her btw. She can't understand why I would deny myself the opportunity to be happy. I try to explain that it's because of my loyalty to my x. I try to explain that I would feel that I'm betraying my x. I try to explain that I would feel like I was, yet again, abandoning my x. My T just shakes her head and reminds me that I'm loyal to someone who hurt me. I'm worried about betraying a r/s that is over. And that my x pushed me away, I didn't actually abandon her. These things haven't completely sunk in just yet.

[C.Stein]

Thank you once removed.

I understand and agree that you're right about my needing to find those things within myself before I can truly see another seeing them in me.

I really struggle with the idea of who was actually mirroring who and which mirror shattered (although, ultimately, both did). Was it my Lonely Child, or her Abandoned Child?

I suspect that, in reality, we both wanted so badly to feel loved by and important to the other that we both tried to project.

In all honesty, I have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally. She stood by me as my friend through everything that happened with my x. She hated watching me do it to myself and it hurt her, but she allowed me to do what I needed to do for me. She believes that I'm worth much more than I'll probably ever give myself credit. She wants nothing but happiness for me, even if that means that she isn't in my life. Even when I tell her that she's wasting her time and that she deserves someone in her life who isn't as broken as I am. She stays. She waits patiently. She helps when she can. She stays away when I need her to. Yet, I dismiss the idea of ever having anything to do with her because I feel unworthy.

My T thinks that I'm wrong for dismissing her btw. She can't understand why I would deny myself the opportunity to be happy.I try to explain that it's because of my loyalty to my x. I try to explain that I would feel that I'm betraying my x. I try to explain that I would feel like I was, yet again, abandoning my x. My T just shakes her head and reminds me that I'm loyal to someone who hurt me. I'm worried about betraying a r/s that is over. And that my x pushed me away, I didn't actually abandon her. These things haven't completely sunk in just yet.

I agree with your T.  Don't let this girl slip through your fingers.  When you start to get long in the tooth you will realize that she is what you were always looking for.

[Meili]

I'm trying to get there. I need to fix some things about myself before I can be healthy for anyone in my life.

I realize that this has nothing to do with the original topic, but I find it difficult to relate to the other woman because there is nothing for me to fix there (ok, maybe it does sort of relate, my trauma bonds form in part because I unwittingly seek out damaged women to "rescue" them). Because there is nothing for me to fix, I don't feel connected in any sort of meaningful way. I guess that I'm so used to being bonded to someone because of trauma that I don't know what anything else feels like.

[once removed]

i think i sort of get it. in the past, when a loved one has died, ive felt intense guilt at the very idea of getting better. after the breakup i discovered my ex was invading my email and i let her do it for a while... .i kept imagining (projecting) images of her pain over my changing the password. one could argue thats irrational, but it was what it was, and i had to deal with it. in other words, your feelings are valid; they dont have to be rational. you are also wise to be facing them.

about the girl: "you are wasting your time, you deserve someone in your life who isnt as broken as i am". these are honest statements of understandable, righteous, emotional unavailability. similar has been said to me before, and i didnt respect or heed it at the time. im not sure about the nature of your relationship with this person, whether shes actively pursuing a relationship with you or putting her life on hold, but while there are issues youre actively tending to, im not sure your lack of a strong attraction to this girl is "wrong". in any event, i think youre doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. grief should be honored, and worked through.

i can also understand why you would deny yourself the opportunity to be happy in general, and its exactly as you put it: you dont feel worthy. imagine yourself in a circumstance or relationship in which you dont feel worthy. i suspect that would compound the feelings you are dealing with.

have you worked with your T on the high sensation-seeking? i dont experience it myself, but its easy for me to see where this would play a role in your body chemistry and physical attraction.

[Meili]

About the girl: She is trying to pursue a romantic relationship, but is not pushing hard because she knows my situation.

Ah, yes, projecting... .I hadn't even considered that I'm doing that. But, now that you mention it, I'm certain that I'm projecting feelings on my x that aren't in being. I'm starting to accept the fact that I'll never know anything about her true feelings with regard to me. I probably shouldn't at this point anyway. Besides, no matter what they are, I would hurt if I knew. If she misses me, I'd hurt because we cannot be together. If she hates me, I'd hurt because of that. If she's completely forgotten about me, or is indifferent to me, that would hurt also. Anyway I spin it, I get hurt when I try to guess at what she might be feeling. That guessing game is starting to stop.

I don't have to imagine myself in such a relationship, I just got out of one two months ago!

We've only briefly touched on the subject. In fact, my sensation-seeking is one of the things that keeps me distant from the woman who is interested in me. I find her boring. She lives in her head, so doesn't talk a lot. When she does, more often than not, she draws things out to the point that my mind has wandered and I have no idea what she was trying to convey. I also get frustrated after about the second example that she gives for whatever it is that she is talking about. Generally, it's because I didn't need the first example, much less two or more. I feel horrible for thinking about her this way.

My T suggests that, in addition to the things that I already do that some would deem "risky, but healthy hobbies," I start to do more of them. Skydiving has been suggested as well as finally getting my pilot's license and rock climbing. Anything that has an element of risk, but isn't necessarily dangerous. But, we haven't addressed the fact that any success, achievement, or whatever is instantly discarded.

About the closest to that topic that we've had time to deal with is the fact that I don't value anything that I do. My T has told me to start small. To find value in something as small as each day that I maintain NC with my x. It's hard for me to find value in that when I believe that it hurts my x. Now that I see that I'm projecting that emotion onto someone who may or may not be feeling it, maybe I'll be able to think of it differently.

But, yes, the sensation-seeking does play a role in my chemistry. I've been so adrenaline and endorphin filled for so long that I'm now going through withdrawals. It truly is a chemical addiction from that standpoint. And, like any junkie, I'll risk everything to have the high again. Well, almost everything in this case. I guess that what my T is suggesting is akin to when they put someone on methadone to help detox heroin addicts. Like she wants me to get my high from something... .anything... .other than my x.

[C.Stein]

I'm trying to get there. I need to fix some things about myself before I can be healthy for anyone in my life.

This is mature and healthy thinking.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to participate in a healthy relationship if you are not in a place internally to be an equal partner.

I realize that this has nothing to do with the original topic, but I find it difficult to relate to the other woman because there is nothing for me to fix there (ok, maybe it does sort of relate, my trauma bonds form in part because I unwittingly seek out damaged women to "rescue" them). Because there is nothing for me to fix, I don't feel connected in any sort of meaningful way. I guess that I'm so used to being bonded to someone because of trauma that I don't know what anything else feels like.

Perhaps instead looking for something to fix how about looking for something to build on?  Instead of always fixing the foundation that keeps getting blown to pieces by your partner, look to build a fabulous mansion on that foundation with a partner who will help you build that.  

In my ideal relationship my partner strengthens and adds to who I am already.  They will open up possibilities for me that perhaps I can't see or experience myself.  They will enrich my life both as an individual and as a partner in a relationship of equals.  This person I can trust to always have my best interests in mind but not at the cost of their own individuality.  This person won't generate constant feelings of fear and anxiety within me and I can trust this persons words will be strengthened by action not negated.  This is part of what I have to offer and would hope the same could be returned in kind.

How about you?  What do you want in your ideal relationship?

[once removed]

i suspect, without knowing a ton about the subject, that its going to involve regulating this stuff - retraining your body. it was suggested to me that i was likely running on adrenaline throughout my relationship (which seemed obvious but never occurred to me) and that perhaps i should start each morning with a cold blast of water to the face, to retrain my body as far as "normal" reactions. now, im not sure how far that exercise would go in your case, but thats the kind of retraining im talking about. getting a chemical balance back.

what do your nonromantic relationships with women look like? do you have female friends you would deem "healthy" and "normal"?

ruling out otherwise healthy women as "boring" doesnt surprise me, and is something i can relate to. not that some people arent boring, or that we should experience chemistry with everyone, but i know i have ruled out plenty of girls for reasons that were really more about me - this can change with some work. i am genuinely turned off by unhealthy things i was once very drawn to.

[Meili]

My T and I have briefly discussed whether my sensation-seeking is nature or nurture. Most likely, in my particular case, it is both. My body naturally craves the biochemical responses at a higher level than the average male my age. At least that's how she has explained it to me.

On top of the genetics part of it, I have also been trained to live in a "combative atmosphere" by my FOO and almost all of the subsequent romantic entanglements in my life. That part can, and needs to, be retrained.

I'm not sure about my r/s with other women. I think that I tend to shy away from anyone who does not have some sort of extremist quality.

[babyducks]

Hi Meili


Great topic.   

I have started researching trauma bonds.

A very good book on the topic is The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D   It's reviewed on this site.

I know that I have trouble feeling angry toward my abuser. The anger is diminished by the compassion that I feel for her internal suffering. From what I gather, this response is a result of the trauma bond.

I would agree that in a trauma bond, by it's very nature, it's very nearly impossible to feel anger at the abuser.  As I understand it, it's neither rational or irrational but has a biological basis in neuropsychology.  to quote the book I mentioned above "Betrayal (and trauma)  intensifies pathologically the human trait of bonding deeply in the presence of danger or fear."

It seems counter intuitive but it's perfectly natural and normal to bond deeply when exposed to intense and high conflict relationships.   Especially if you are already a survivor of trauma.   For me lack of anger is  warning sign.   It can mean my focus is more on the emotions and needs of my partner in the trauma bond than on my own emotions and needs.    Yes it is a very good thing to have compassion for another wounded individual.   Anger gone to extremes is not good either.  A lack of anger can be telling.    I think sometimes we tend to ruthlessly suppress anger because we desperately do not want to be like the angry out of control people we have in our life.   Having only those examples of anger we don't comprehend that anger can be expressed in a healthy and appropriate way.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to break the trauma bonds? CBT won't work for me in this situation. Cognitively I know that I need to stop the loyalty and compassion; emotionally, it's a completely different story.

I would recommend the book mentioned above.   It's has exercises to help first reveal the extent of the trauma and ways to begin healing from it.   Recovering from trauma takes time.   And it's important to have a compassionate and kind inner voice toward yourself during the process.   

'ducks

[Meili]

Thank you, I'll check it out.