The Flipped Script

[HoneyB33]

Today I brought up with someone about how my ex flipped the script on me at the end of our relationship, and well after. To the point that it's like she is literally walking around like she is me, and I am somehow her. My ex even said in the one time I talked with her on the phone, that she, "Never loved me, and only loved my love for her." Which is literally word for word what I had realized in my own self about our relationship.

I guess what has simply kept me stuck the most in all of this, is the flipped script. It had me questioning for a long time if all this was true and I somehow just hadn't realized. How could someone say all of these things, believe all of these things, when I knew everything was literally the exact opposite?

So anyways, I wanted to hear from you all about your flipped scripts. I have learned in smaller amounts about pwBPD doing this. And I'd also like to hear how you dealt with that. How you approached it within yourself. Personally, I just want to smack the crap out of my ex for being so stupid she could even pretend she's somehow "better" than me.

[steelwork]

Well, here's a concrete example: he said at the end, "You can go f**k yourself if you think you're any kind of victim."

I didn't think or indicate in any way that I thought that, other than saying I wanted to at least speak on the phone about suddenly being dumped over email. Obviously he felt like he was the victim.

[once removed]

can you help me understand why, if these things are true for you (loved your love for her) that they cant be for her?

Personally, I just want to smack the crap out of my ex for being so stupid she could even pretend she's somehow "better" than me.

most people tell themselves that about an ex, at least at first. do you expect her to believe she is "worse" than you?

reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like youre angry at her justifications for the end of the relationship and they are challenging your narrative/truth. do i have that right?

[schwing]

This happened at the end of my BPD relationship.  

While she was breaking up with me over the phone while she was away on vacation (and I was studying for my board exams), my exBPDgf also complained that she was tired of supporting me emotionally or some such -- and when she said it, I'm like What the heck?  I'm the fellow who in the months previous supported her through her board exams, the passing of her best friend, and all the other neuroses associated with her fear of abandonment, et al.  I thought I was the one who was approaching his wits end and trying to decide how/if to let go. (I guess she saw it coming and beat me to the punch).  I guess I'm still a wee bit bitter about this.

I imagine this behavior is an aspect of their "devaluing" and "severe dissociative behavior" -- they take all the negative qualities they once associated with themselves and project them onto the person they are now devaluing (i.e., us).  This way they can start fresh in their next relationship with little or no baggage; this also allows them to see themselves as the "victim" which suits their new rescuer.

This is one of their defense mechanisms.  And I can appreciate that it helps them deal with the break-ups more efficiently, but it also prevents them from learning from their experiences in these relationships.  So in their narratives, the fault always lies with the other side.  Otherwise, they might look into why they always seem to end up in these unfulfilling relationships.

[HoneyB33]

That's pretty much exactly what happened with my ex schwing. I was the one trying to hold everything together, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, financially. And then when I said I was tired, she cried about how "unhappy" she was. Such an entitled little brat. It still makes me angry. I was literally reaching a point that I felt like I was falling apart, and what does she do? She complains and tries to convince me that I have BPD, is abusive, and tried to discard me... .It was exactly the same for me, she was just trying to beat me to the punch.

Steelwork, I totally feel for you. I asked for ANYthing from my ex, and she turned it all around on me to make me feel like I was so wrong for it. All because I just wanted more than a "I don't know" to ANY question for why this was happening.

[HoneyB33]

Wow, that also was the same thing that happened to me. My ex broke up with me over the phone after she had just gone on a trip. All while I was in a different state trying to take 5 seconds for myself.

[Meili]

Yep, my x did it to me too. She called me a predator as I was trying to run away from her. It almost made me pause to remind her that prey run from predators, predators don't run from prey. I decided that would be wasted breath though and just kept on my course.

At the time, it was a source of both amusement and bewilderment for me. Now it is a source of strength. Every time that I struggle with the urge to contact her, I remember that prey run, they don't pursue.

I also try to remember that she was just trying to protect herself in the only way that she knows how. She lashed out at me and accused me of things so that she wouldn't have to avoid her own pain. As someone who has spent almost his entire life voiding pain, I can relate to and understand what she was doing. I don't think that makes it right mind you, just that I can empathize with her. I'm really sure that won't help most people, but it helps me to not take it so personally. She's doing the best that she can with what she has to work with. I get to decide that isn't enough for me though.

[WishIKnew82]

This is so funny cause it's true. That is exactly what he did to me. He was saying these things that just drove me insane. There was no discussing it. He really believed it and would yell,talk for as long as it took for me to accept his distorted view of me and after a while I was exhausted and just accepted that he was right and I was wrong. When the RS was over I could finally get back to myself one step at a time. He was incredibly insecure to the point where small girls in the street who were laughing between themselves would suddenly be laughing about how he looked. But I was the insecure one. He had all signs of borderline and even was told by a therapist he had it. But still, I was the one who had all the traits and he would go online and get a list and just start reading it out loud en confirming it all and said he was looking at it objectively! Haha. He was funny for all the wrong reasons. I know he will keep fighting and lying and trying to silence his problems but it will never work. And for that, I feel sad for him. Cause I was exhausted at the end. He drained me. I could've helped him. And he lost his best friend who did love him. He just will not see it that way. He would rather be right than sorry. Wants to be right, has to be right... even though he destroyed the most stable RS he has ever had in his life. I don't even know if he realizes it yet. I am getting over it, more and more. And I am happy that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Finally.

But they do love to flip the script with a straight face. They actually believe this. Which makes it all the much harder to get over it. Closure does not happen. You just have to move on.

[Dhand77]

She definitely flipped the script on me. When I think about all of her very clever "defense mechanisms", I can't help but feel like she would be a character on a TV show that you would just love to hate. Her smear campaign at our workplace was basically all of her behaviors projected on to me. Stalking: her, social media harassment: her, abusive name calling and put downs: her, cheating: her, I did the discard: her. When I started catching wind of what she was saying about me, it absolutely BLEW MY MIND. She was selling to everyone that would listen that I was some terrible monster that stomped all over her feelings, yet here I was: 15lbs lighter, looking like crap, depressed, suicidal and generally in a terrible frame of mind. Yet the victim was parading around our workplace with different guys, sleeping with some karaoke singing alcoholic and posting about how great her life is on Facebook. It was only when a co-worker called her out on one of her social media attacks did she quit her crap, and even then, she just changed tactics.

Sure, I get it. It's just their defenses coming into play so they can just push forward with a clear conscience for all of their juvenile actions. Sell themselves to their new rescuers as victims and never accept responsibility for a single thing. But, sometimes I just feel like it's giving pwBPD a free pass.

Yeah, I'll probably be bitter about that stuff for at least a year or two.

[Meili]

Sure, I get it. It's just their defenses coming into play so they can just push forward with a clear conscience for all of their juvenile actions. Sell themselves to their new rescuers as victims and never accept responsibility for a single thing. But, sometimes I just feel like it's giving pwBPD a free pass.

I don't look at it as giving them a free pass. Bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of the underlying reasons and people need to be held accountable for that. For those of us who walked away from the people in our world who are disordered, that's exactly what we have done; we showed them the consequences of their actions. In this case, they don't get to enjoy having what we offered to them.

For me, recognizing that it's just their defense mechanisms at work is just a means of not being so angry at pwBPD because it really is a waste of my time and energy. I'd far rather look at them with an eye of compassion than waste my energy.

[sweet tooth]

My ex was mad at me because I looked at her LinkedIn profile without adding her as a connection. After she blew up at me and said she needed space, she kept checking out my LinkedIn, multiple times per week. She finally realized that I LinkedIn notifies the the person being viewed when another person views their profile. She then went into "private mode," which means she can look at my profile without me knowing about it. I caught her redhanded.

This, in my opinion, was very much "flipping the script." Also, how she described her feelings regarding her ex-husband is eventually how I wound up feeling about her: her ex-husband was all about controlling other people, he lacked empathy, he had psychological issues, etc. Flipping the script.

[sweet tooth]

By the way, somebody close to me is in a position to medically diagnose people. From what I told this person about my ex, they declared, "she is probably a borderline."

[WishIKnew82]

By the way, somebody close to me is in a position to medically diagnose people. From what I told this person about my ex, they declared, "she is probably a borderline."

From what YOU told this person about your ex. But since we are all subjective I always like to look at it from a distance. How were interactions with other closed loved ones, how was their life before we came in the picture etc. That was the main reason I felt he was definitly wrong about me and I was right about him. His life was a mess and he would split  people black left and right only to start all over again. All his relationships, family and friends were unstable and ended eventually in a bad way. He on the other hand claimed his psychologist backed him up and said I was the borderline without ever talking to me or hearing my side of the story. Just saying. There is more needed then just one other person agreeing with you. I learned the hard way cause he would use that exact tactic against me. His psychologist who was so professional agreed with him so I was definitly a borderline with narcissism traits. It nearly drove me insane. Not saying you are wrong about your ex. Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to mean a thing if a professional agrees with you :case in point; my ex.

[sweet tooth]

By the way, somebody close to me is in a position to medically diagnose people. From what I told this person about my ex, they declared, "she is probably a borderline."

From what YOU told this person about your ex. But since we are all subjective I always like to look at it from a distance. How were interactions with other closed loved ones, how was their life before we came in the picture etc. That was the main reason I felt he was definitly wrong about me and I was right about him. His life was a mess and he would split black people black left and right only to start all over again. All his relationships, family and friends were unstable and ended eventually in a bad way. He on the other hand claimed his psychologist backed him up and said I was the borderline without ever talking to me or hearing my side of the story. Just saying. There is more needed then just one other person agreeing with you. I learned the hard way cause he would use that exact tactic against me. His psychologist who was so professional agreed with him so I was definitly a borderline with narcissism traits. It nearly drove me insane. Not saying you are wrong about your ex. Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to mean a thing if a professional agrees with you :case in point; my ex.

He lied to his psychologist. I didn't lie. That's the difference.

[WishIKnew82]

By the way, somebody close to me is in a position to medically diagnose people. From what I told this person about my ex, they declared, "she is probably a borderline."

From what YOU told this person about your ex. But since we are all subjective I always like to look at it from a distance. How were interactions with other closed loved ones, how was their life before we came in the picture etc. That was the main reason I felt he was definitly wrong about me and I was right about him. His life was a mess and he would split black people black left and right only to start all over again. All his relationships, family and friends were unstable and ended eventually in a bad way. He on the other hand claimed his psychologist backed him up and said I was the borderline without ever talking to me or hearing my side of the story. Just saying. There is more needed then just one other person agreeing with you. I learned the hard way cause he would use that exact tactic against me. His psychologist who was so professional agreed with him so I was definitly a borderline with narcissism traits. It nearly drove me insane. Not saying you are wrong about your ex. Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to mean a thing if a professional agrees with you :case in point; my ex.

He lied to his psychologist. I didn't lie. That's the difference.

I understand. But he probably thinks he wasn't lying either. His feelings are his reality. It is such a delusional disorder and we as partners, friends, family are really ___ed for trying to make sense of it all cause in the end we are traumatized and it takes a whole lot of time to get over it.

I recognize the thing you said about the linkedIn. He would continually accuse me of stalking him or checking online what he was up too. In the same sentence he would say that he was reading all my posts from 10 years ago from a site I used to visit. It is insane how they don't see the contradiction in their thinking.

[Fr4nz]

Flipping the script... .I can relate as well.

Just after the break-up -- which was the inevitable consequence of one of her many useless, mind-boggling dramas -- I was chasing her; while I had incredible qualities (according to her) before the break-up, she was complaining almost about everything afterwards: in her eyes, I had lots of defects, and I was the one to blame for the end of the r/s.

Obviously, I was in the bargaining phase, so I was taking the blame for almost everything in order to get her back.

She even went as far saying there was very little in common between us (What the heck? Do you stay 1,5 years with someone with whom you have little in common?)... .all of this while she was lining up 3 potential replacements. Incredible.

Mind-boggling, shocking and sad. Never again!

[Dhand77]

By the way, somebody close to me is in a position to medically diagnose people. From what I told this person about my ex, they declared, "she is probably a borderline."

From what YOU told this person about your ex. But since we are all subjective I always like to look at it from a distance. How were interactions with other closed loved ones, how was their life before we came in the picture etc. That was the main reason I felt he was definitly wrong about me and I was right about him. His life was a mess and he would split  people black left and right only to start all over again. All his relationships, family and friends were unstable and ended eventually in a bad way. He on the other hand claimed his psychologist backed him up and said I was the borderline without ever talking to me or hearing my side of the story. Just saying. There is more needed then just one other person agreeing with you. I learned the hard way cause he would use that exact tactic against me. His psychologist who was so professional agreed with him so I was definitly a borderline with narcissism traits. It nearly drove me insane. Not saying you are wrong about your ex. Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to mean a thing if a professional agrees with you :case in point; my ex.

Yep. As soon as my ex moved out her mom's place I watched her paint her mom black and discard her. Then her youngest sister. Then the middle sister. Then she needed a new place to stay, so her Aunt helped her, then she painted her black and stopped talking to her as soon as she moved in. In retrospect, I should have seen my discard coming. She does it to every single person in that comes into her life. I almost believe she'd discard her own kids if she could get away with it.

[Dhand77]

Flipping the script... .I can relate as well.

Just after the break-up -- which was the inevitable consequence of one of her many useless, mind-boggling dramas -- I was chasing her; while I had incredible qualities (according to her) before the break-up, she was complaining almost about everything afterwards: in her eyes, I had lots of defects, and I was the one to blame for the end of the r/s.

Obviously, I was in the bargaining phase, so I was taking the blame for almost everything in order to get her back.

She even went as far saying there was very little in common between us (What the heck?)... .all of this while she was lining up several potential replacements. Incredible.

Mind-boggling, shocking and sad. Never again!

Now THIS sounds exactly like my break up. For four years, I was this amazing guy and then overnight I was scum of the earth.

[once removed]

when we talk about flipping the script, consider that our exes were on a journey long before we met them, and they experienced a great deal during the relationship, emotionally and mentally, that we were never privy to.

i spent most of the relationship telling her that we were unhealthy. that we fought way too often, that those fights escalated to unhealthy levels. it either went over her head, or she argued.

when we had our breakup conversation, she told me that we fought too much, that relationships werent supposed to take this level of work. it did leave me feeling like the rug was pulled out underneath me, and i completely lost my balance, unsure of, and suddenly blaming myself for everything. of course that was about me, not her; she was right, as i had been.

theres a lot im leaving out for brevitys sake, like the fact that when we broke up we hadnt seen each other in about a month, and she was lining up a replacement. that on some level informs what i wasnt privy to, and gave me some insight into what appeared to be a change of heart.



in general, we were not on the same page as our exes, or experiencing the relationship in the same way. when we hear these things, it would be wise not to outright dismiss them, but consider them in a broader context. in some cases these words may be a communication of moments during the relationship where there was perceived abandonment, or other trigger.

[Fr4nz]

in general, we were not on the same page as our exes, or experiencing the relationship in the same way. when we hear these things, it would be wise not to outright dismiss them, but consider them in a broader context. in some cases these words may be a communication of moments during the relationship where there was perceived abandonment, or other trigger.

Absolutely true... .but even if they have BPD (this is not their fault), this does not change the fact that they repeat the very same mistakes across different relationships. At some level they must be quite aware of their issues, and it's their choice to not tackle them.

[sweet tooth]

Flipping the script... .I can relate as well.

Just after the break-up -- which was the inevitable consequence of one of her many useless, mind-boggling dramas -- I was chasing her; while I had incredible qualities (according to her) before the break-up, she was complaining almost about everything afterwards: in her eyes, I had lots of defects, and I was the one to blame for the end of the r/s.

Obviously, I was in the bargaining phase, so I was taking the blame for almost everything in order to get her back.

She even went as far saying there was very little in common between us (What the heck? Do you stay 1,5 years with someone with whom you have little in common?)... .all of this while she was lining up 3 potential replacements. Incredible.

Mind-boggling, shocking and sad. Never again!

"Nothing in common." Hmm. Mine said there was "no spark," after we had been hanging out for 11 months and SHE invited ME to s Valentine's wedding shoe that very same weekend! Both excuses sound like nonsense to me.

[Meili]

Absolutely true... .but even if they have BPD (this is not their fault), this does not change the fact that they repeat the very same mistakes across different relationships. At some level they must be quite aware of their issues, and it's their choice to not tackle them.

I wish that I could be as sure of this as you are. I know that I had no idea how my FOO was affecting my romantic relationships until I started to see how I was responding to my pwBPD. It isn't always as black and white as knowing and tackling the issues. Sometimes people don't know what the problems actually are.

[Fr4nz]

Absolutely true... .but even if they have BPD (this is not their fault), this does not change the fact that they repeat the very same mistakes across different relationships. At some level they must be quite aware of their issues, and it's their choice to not tackle them.

I wish that I could be as sure of this as you are. I know that I had no idea how my FOO was affecting my romantic relationships until I started to see how I was responding to my pwBPD. It isn't always as black and white as knowing and tackling the issues. Sometimes people don't know what the problems actually are.

Sure, but if problems are very big and evident... .and one repeats the very same mistakes across tens of different relationships... .then, I think one must be somehow aware of her issues.

On the other hand, we're talking about disordered people, so normal logic does not fully apply... .

[Meili]

But, that's just it, my FOO issues did and do affect all of my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I just didn't realize it until I was trying to figure out WTH was going on with my uBPDexgf. So, that's why I say that it isn't as black and white as "they should have known." They don't want to know is what it really is. Facing it is painful and scary. Our minds have built-in defense mechanisms that guard us from too much pain and fear.