Just received this text. Can someone help me please?

[Larmoyant]

I moved house and my ex no longer knows where I live. It’s been just over a week and I feel strangely protected in my new place knowing he has no idea where I am. I wasn’t able to go completely NC though. I just wasn’t ready and now he’s just sent me a text message with a photo of a receipt listing items he bought to fix my reticulation a year ago (!) and another photo of a card from a previous girlfriend of his which has ‘I love you’ printed on the front. This is what he wrote:

“Hello, this is the receipt for your retic. Can I please have the money for the items. I’ve been going through my bills and found this card. Perhaps she didn’t hate me that much after all. Hope Steve is good. Call his bluff  ”  

He fixed the retic as my boyfriend; I didn’t hire him to do the job! Also, the woman who sent the card was his girlfriend before me. Unknown to me at the time he overlapped us. I later read messages from her to him where she threatens to call his employer and the police should he contact her again and she also said he obviously had deep seated issues and should see a psychiatrist. 'Steve' is a friend of mine who he believes I am seeing now I think. I'm not.

I’m not sure what he means by sending this to me, but its fuelled my hope and fear. I feel a mixture of relief, hope that he wants to talk with me again, fear and really, sheer terror, that this will lead to more hurt and pain for me. I mean, I believe he's being nasty where he says "call his bluff" with the added smiley face. The problem is I don’t want to ignore it. I want to respond, but don’t know what to say. I was thinking of sending this?

"I don’t understand what all this is supposed to mean? Are you trying to hurt me? Do you want to talk with me? With what agenda? You have hurt me a lot and I am very wary. I don’t want to be hurt anymore."

Could someone please advise me. I’m feeling so sad.

[Leonis]

Since you moved, I will be cynical and say that he's trying to fish out your new location.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I can understand the mishmash of feelings that are coming up for you with the receipt of this message. I know I'd be wondering what the heck just happened, too.  

My suggestion is to STOP... .and wait a little before you react. Feel your feelings, notice the bodily sensations, talk about what you are feeling and thinking with us (I'm so glad you wrote a post about this!).

I know you want to respond, that's really normal and understandable. For me, the feeling was like an urgent need to answer, and I often would, impulsively, without giving myself time to feel and reflect. I always regretted it when I did that.

You mentioned feeling hope, relief, fear, and even terror. Give yourself a chance to explore those feelings and the thoughts that are running behind them, propping them up.

Personally, I would feel angry at receiving a text like this. Angry that he is asking for money, of all things, and that he is shoving an ex-girlfriend's love for him in my face, but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I know taking time to feel can sound ridiculous when one's whole body is screaming, "act! do something!" but I've found it really helpful. It's amazing how your feelings can radically change when given a little time and space to flow and be embraced.

What are your thoughts, Larmoyant?

heartandwhole

[bAlex]

Since it's upsetting you I'd say change your number. It's probably just a way to lure you to talk to him.

[Larmoyant]

heartandwhole,  I’m feeling really tearful! Despite all the abuse I feel as if I still love this man, but at the same time I’m quite scared because he’s hurt me so much. I feel like responding straight away because I’m scared he’ll go away if I don’t!

As for all these mixed feelings:

Hope – I would dearly love to be able to work this out with him and so this feels like a chance to do that, as it has been so many times before, but after a brief honeymoon period the abuse starts all over again. It’s almost futile, but I don’t want it to be. I’ve been in so much pain post break-up (and in the relationship too) that I’d do anything for the pain to go away.I know more now, understand more about BPD and keep thinking that maybe, just maybe I’d be able to handle it now.

Relief – because I was fearing that I’d never hear from him again.

Fear – fear that if I respond he won’t reply back. It could be that he just wants to know that he can get a reaction from me. Wants to know that I’m still here maybe. If I don’t hear back it will hurt even more than it does now. At the same time I also fear not responding to him. What if he goes away completely and never contacts me again. I would have missed my chance.

Terror – he is extremely narcissistic and at times I would also describe his behaviour as sadistic. Pulling me in only to drop me on my head over and over. I didn’t understand at first, now I do, but the damage has been done and I’m terrified of any more of this. I’m also afraid of his rages. My heart used to pound I could almost hear it when he raged, and the nasty insinuations about me and other men, verbal assaults, but the push/pull was by far the worst. It ruined me and I’m not being catastrophic. I lost my job, career. My own fault because I couldn’t cope and tried to make it work. I got lost in it and became weaker and weaker and at times felt quite helpless to change anything. I just didn’t understand.

I’ve just reread it. It makes me feel so sad. He sounds angry maybe as he always lists what he bought or did for me and wants to be compensated for everything. It makes me want to explain how ridiculous this is and to send him a list of my own. If that makes sense? I have no idea why he sent me the card from his ex but it makes me wonder if he’s reconnected with her although I doubt it. The emails she sent to him at the end were quite clear what she thought of him. I’m not sure what his thought processes are to send me this. The last part, where he mentions my friend Steve makes me sad. I think he may be fishing to see if I’m really with  him now, but the 'call his bluff' part makes me angry because I think it’s an insult of some kind.

I’ve come here so I don’t do something I regret, but just as you say I feel a sense of urgency to respond, to show that I’m still here  :'(. I’m so upset I just want him back really. Want to resolve our issues and be together, but when I reflect back it's horrendous. So confused.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant.

I REALLY understand what you are going through. I'd like to offer you a piece of advice that my BPDxbf (who admits to having ASPD traits) gave me when I was getting very anxious about repeated unwanted contact from an ex: "He's playing you like a fiddle!"

You know that he isn't apologising. He isn't trying to empathise. He isn't expressing any desire to be with you. Indeed, his tone is cold and the content suggests a desire to make you jealous. You know you are clutching at straws.

I came across a rule of thumb recently that I think is useful:

pwBPD rage through fear of abandonment

pwNPD rage to ensure their supply of adoration is still there

pwASPD rage to control and make you suffer.

Do you like the sound of any of these? I sure don't. None of this behaviour is about 'love'.

Keep strong.

Love Lifewriter

   

[Larmoyant]

Thanks Lifewriter, I keep trying to work out what he wants. He is never clear and many times in the past this type of text has led to recycles. I don’t think he really wants money for repairing my retic last year? It seems like an excuse to contact me which has caused the feelings of hope. Sending me a photo of a card he’d received from another woman saying she loves him is hurtful though and confusing as is the dig about me calling someone’s bluff. I know that part was nasty. I’m used to his nastiness.

I don’t like the sound of any of the rules and it may well be that he wants to see if I’m still here, wants to see if his supply of adoration still exists. I feel cynical now because perhaps he’s just been rejected by someone so has contacted me. It’s quite possible. I know he's been dating others and maybe he raged at her and she left him. His rages started pretty early on with me.

I think he’s fishing and may well be playing me like a fiddle. He always did.

I’m trying to keep busy so I don’t respond, but every nerve fibre in my body wants to reply.

I’m hurting.

[heartandwhole]

I really feel for you, Larmoyant, I know those feelings. You are doing great, you haven't contacted him yet.   If you can, just wait... .then wait a little longer. You see already that some of your feelings are changing. I totally understand your fear that this is your only chance; that he might leave forever, etc. I've been there. But please trust me when I say that that kind of thinking leads to more pain. You know it does. It's just that right now, you are feeling another kind of pain that you desperately want to soothe by reaching out. In my view, working through these feelings that you are having right now will do much more for your healing than putting yourself out there for more of the same hurtful behavior with your ex. Does that make sense?

Do you remember the "!0 Beliefs" Larmoyant? They can be super helpful at times like this. They all helped me tremendously when I was struggling with all these crazy emotions.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

Hang in there. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

Thanks Lifewriter, I keep trying to work out what he wants. He is never clear and many times in the past this type of text has led to recycles. I don’t think he really wants money for repairing my retic last year? It seems like an excuse to contact me which has caused the feelings of hope. Sending me a photo of a card he’d received from another woman saying she loves him is hurtful though and confusing as is the dig about me calling someone’s bluff. I know that part was nasty. I’m used to his nastiness.

I don’t like the sound of any of the rules and it may well be that he wants to see if I’m still here, wants to see if his supply of adoration still exists. I feel cynical now because perhaps he’s just been rejected by someone so has contacted me. It’s quite possible. I know he's been dating others and maybe he raged at her and she left him. His rages started pretty early on with me.

I think he’s fishing and may well be playing me like a fiddle. He always did.

I’m trying to keep busy so I don’t respond, but every nerve fibre in my body wants to reply.

I’m hurting.

I agree with H&W.  Take a big step back, a deep breath and collect yourself. 

I would also be hurt to get a text like this.  There are any number of reasons he might have sent it.  Clearly he is feeling bitter. 

You have pointed out numerous reasons for not going back to him and those reasons are logical and sound ... .listen to them.   

You are experiencing a disconnect between your emotions and your rational mind right now.  I recommend you don't reply (if you reply at all) until your rational mind is back in control. 

[Larmoyant]

I've slept on it, well 4 hours, and have had some time to process. I think I now understand what his text is all about. He does sound bitter and resentful and I believe it’s because of an email I sent to him a couple of months back. I was distraught at the time, angry and hurt as he was playing cat and mouse games with me whilst my mother was seriously ill and he was seeing other women whilst still pursuing me. However, I regret sending it to him now because I hurt him. At the same time he’d hurt me badly. I was trying to stay strong for my mum and he’d pushed and pulled to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. However, he appears to have isolated my wrong doing without any reference as to why I might have felt compelled to send it. Still, I was wrong to send it. I’m now wondering if I should respond and if so, what would I say? Does this sound ok or not please?



"You sound resentful and I’m guessing that your text relates to that email. I’m sorry for sending it to you and I’m sorry if I hurt you. There were reasons for sending it reflecting my hurt and pain due to your own behaviour at the time. We have both hurt each other and for my part I’d like to apologise. I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you feel like reciprocating".

[Lifewriter16]

Honestly Larmoyant, I'd say that if you said this, you would simply be opening up all sorts of avenues for him to argue with you over and you'd be off on another merry dance. If he had a problem with the email you sent him a couple of months ago, he would have brought it to your attention. If anything, I would take his communication at face value rather than reading into it - he wants money and the rest is idle chatter designed to wind you up into a jealous frenzy.

LWx

[Larmoyant]

Hi LW,

He has brought the email to my attention a few times. It was the first time I’d really retaliated and I think it shocked him. I’d wanted to hurt him like I was hurting. I’d alluded to having a potential new bf, a friend he dislikes, a psychologist, who has been trying to warn me that my ex is NPD/ASPD. I let him know this. It was very cruel of me and I regret it.

I’m still processing my feelings. If it really is money he wants then that makes me feel angry. Who adds up what they bought or did for you at the end of the relationship and then demands it back   I could do the same, it’s ridiculous. I could send him a list demanding payment for helping with his house renovations, housework, gifts, etc. Maybe I should send him a bill for psychological damage and related costs!

[C.Stein]

I've slept on it, well 4 hours, and have had some time to process. I think I now understand what his text is all about. He does sound bitter and resentful and I believe it’s because of an email I sent to him a couple of months back. I was distraught at the time, angry and hurt as he was playing cat and mouse games with me whilst my mother was seriously ill and he was seeing other women whilst still pursuing me. However, I regret sending it to him now because I hurt him. At the same time he’d hurt me badly. I was trying to stay strong for my mum and he’d pushed and pulled to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. However, he appears to have isolated my wrong doing without any reference as to why I might have felt compelled to send it. Still, I was wrong to send it. I’m now wondering if I should respond and if so, what would I say? Does this sound ok or not please?



"You sound resentful and I’m guessing that your text relates to that email. I’m sorry for sending it to you and I’m sorry if I hurt you. There were reasons for sending it reflecting my hurt and pain due to your own behaviour at the time. We have both hurt each other and for my part I’d like to apologise. I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you feel like reciprocating".

I'm not sure if that is the right thing to send, if you send anything at all.  You are making assumptions about why he may feel bitter and digging up the past which will probably just trigger him.  Stick to business if you send anything at all.

[Larmoyant]

Talk about mixed feelings! Some times I truly think it's me that's the crazy one. Right now I'm feeling angry about him wanting money for helping me. I want to retaliate.

[C.Stein]

Talk about mixed feelings! Some times I truly think it's me that's the crazy one. Right now I'm feeling angry about him wanting money for helping me. I want to retaliate.

Another step back and deep breath.      

[Larmoyant]

This is difficult, but I am going to force myself to do something other than respond. The trouble is I keep doubting myself. I've noticed that my anxiety has peeked and my heart is racing a little. This happens a lot when he contacts me. Is this normal?

[C.Stein]

This is difficult, but I am going to force myself to do something other than respond. The trouble is I keep doubting myself. I've noticed that my anxiety has peeked and my heart is racing a little. This happens a lot when he contacts me. Is this normal?

I think it is normal.  I get anxious just thinking about my ex, let alone getting contacted by her.  He triggers you and when you feel like this it is best to pause and think. 

[Lifewriter16]

I’m still processing my feelings. If it really is money he wants then that makes me feel angry. Who adds up what they bought or did for you at the end of the relationship and then demands it back   I could do the same, it’s ridiculous. I could send him a list demanding payment for helping with his house renovations, housework, gifts, etc. Maybe I should send him a bill for psychological damage and related costs!

Who indeed?  

It is completely understandable that you are angry with him and want to retaliate. However, it's not a state that will lead to constructive discussions. It's also completely understandable that you wanted to hurt him in the way he has hurt you and that you now regret it. What do you hope to achieve by apologising to him?


I am beginning to learn a little about my own communication style which I'd like to share with you. I react to thoughts I have about what is motivating my BPDxbf. I read into his texts and emails and then react to what I think he really meant by what he said. He does the same. Neither of us are reacting to what the other person actually says, only what we think the other person is trying to get at. We are mind reading. We both expect poor behaviour from the other and what we expect, we see, whether it is there or not. Regardless of whether I draw the correct conclusions or make the wrong assumptions, it is these thoughts that I have about what he says or does that cause me to feel hurt, rejected or angry. I am adding unnecessary pain to the heavy burden that I am already carrying. I make assumptions and take things personally and it is hurting me. My BPDxbf and I have lost sight of the fact we loved each other. It's buried under all this miscommunication.

I think what I am trying to say is that you may be doing more to improve your chances of having a successful relationship with your ex by NOT contacting him at present IF by doing so, you are learning to not react and to control your own emotions.


LWx

[heartandwhole]

I've slept on it, well 4 hours, and have had some time to process. I think I now understand what his text is all about. He does sound bitter and resentful and I believe it’s because of an email I sent to him a couple of months back. I was distraught at the time, angry and hurt as he was playing cat and mouse games with me whilst my mother was seriously ill and he was seeing other women whilst still pursuing me. However, I regret sending it to him now because I hurt him. At the same time he’d hurt me badly. I was trying to stay strong for my mum and he’d pushed and pulled to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. However, he appears to have isolated my wrong doing without any reference as to why I might have felt compelled to send it. Still, I was wrong to send it. I’m now wondering if I should respond and if so, what would I say? Does this sound ok or not please?



"You sound resentful and I’m guessing that your text relates to that email. I’m sorry for sending it to you and I’m sorry if I hurt you. There were reasons for sending it reflecting my hurt and pain due to your own behaviour at the time. We have both hurt each other and for my part I’d like to apologise. I’ll leave it up to you whether or not you feel like reciprocating".

I understand you feeling that your previous email was hurtful and you feel bad about it. It makes sense that you'd like to apologize. Maybe there will be a time for that, but in my opinion, it is not now, and not in response to his latest email. Like the C.Stein and Lifewriter16 have already said, I'd be careful with assuming you know what he is feeling. Yes, there may be a hidden agenda behind his latest contact, but you don't know what it is. Keep processing your own feelings, your own anxious responses—that is where your freedom lies, Larmoyant. Not in figuring out once again what he feels, wants, or needs. That anxious part of you needs YOU right now.

And yes, I believe it is normal to feel that anxiety after contact. For awhile, I definitely had what I call PTSD-like responses whenever I saw pwBPD's name in my inbox. Once on  train, I heard someone speaking and it sounded just like him... .my heart started racing. That is all behind me now. I feel great and am fully detached. You can do this Larmoyant.  I commend you for sleeping on it and not responding, that is a huge step!

[rfriesen]

Hi Larmoyant,

As another person who has gone through the self-doubt, torment, and anxiety of trying to decipher these kinds of texts and other messages, hoping to finally have an open, honest conversation with my ex ... .I'd just like to add my voice to those suggesting that it seems clear he's still playing games. He's fishing, testing you, trying to provoke some reaction. His text is obviously not open and honest. If you respond with an emotional appeal, laying yourself bare, and even apologising ... .I think the odds are very high he'll see it as a win and a chance to keep manipulating you.

It's very hard for some people to stop playing relationships like a game. And people with BPD, or BPD traits, aren't stable in their own thoughts and behaviour. My ex reached out several times in words that seemed open, sincere, pleading. And I believe they were at the time she would write or say them. But as soon as I would re-engage, she inevitably retreated into playing games, because that's all she knew how to do, and being open and honest was either too terrifying or too hard or too alien for her. It's extremely frustrating and anxiety-inducing.

Now, your ex isn't even trying to send you an open, honest message. It reads like a pure game, manipulation. This can be incredibly hard to accept, and it sounds like you're trying very hard to find some way to read it as expressing genuine pain or sadness or a need that you can respond to, in order to open a real conversation with him. As others have suggested, try focusing on your own feelings. Observe your need to respond, your worry that he'll be gone if you don't respond quickly, your anxiety, heart rate. Feel what these interactions with and thoughts about your ex are doing to you. Consider whether you want to remain in this kind of emotional state or begin taking more distance. Take some time for yourself alone to be with your feelings, before you decide anything about responding.

My heart goes out to you.

[Larmoyant]

Can I just say thank you so very, very much for helping me. Each response has moved me beyond words. I have stepped back and am trying to focus on my feelings as advised. I just came here to respond to messages when I heard the tell-tale tone on my phone (I have a different sound for his messages because I get anxious when he texts/calls). He wrote:

"Hope you called his bluff. Didn't work did it. I'm no psychologist. You were played but not by me  " (he added the grin emoticon)

I don't understand at all 

He seems to think that my friend, who I said could be a potential new boyfriend, has played me. I knew that the email I sent him would come back to haunt me, but I still don't understand. The grin seems a bit nasty though.

Not sure what I'm feeling atm. My hearts racing. Will be back soon.

[Larmoyant]

I think his latest message is a bluff and he’s trying to get a reaction, but I’m not sure. I don’t understand it at all. The thing is he clearly wants to make contact doesn’t he? And that’s hurting me because I desperately want to respond. Part of me wants him back. I can’t help feeling this way. I’m thinking that I could ask him what he means by his text, but I am scared of the possible outcome:

1.   He just wants to make contact to hurt me with news of his new gf. Perhaps he has reconnected with his ex. The one who sent the card.

2.   He is angry with me for ending it and wants to hurt me by setting up a situation whereby he gets to reject me.

3.   He wants to play push/pull again.

4.   He needs someone to offload all of his negativity onto and has come to me.

5.   I respond and he goes silent on me.

I’m torn so I’m not going to do anything, but I feel lonely and isolated. Since ending it I haven’t been out anywhere. I haven’t got many places to go nor many people to visit anymore. I’m upset because I never used to be like this. Two years or so ago I had a life. How am I going to rebuild it. This is just too hard.

[Lifewriter16]

I’m torn so I’m not going to do anything, but I feel lonely and isolated. Since ending it I haven’t been out anywhere. I haven’t got many places to go nor many people to visit anymore. I’m upset because I never used to be like this. Two years or so ago I had a life. How am I going to rebuild it. This is just too hard.

I know this is hard, but believe me, you are making progress. Can I recommend you read this book if you haven't already? It really helped me:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing


Keep stepping back, going for walks, looking after yourself, focusing on your breathing etc.

Love Lifewriter

[once removed]

hi Larmoyant 

it reads to me as nothing but bait, trying harder to goad you into an emotional response. theres really nothing to understand beyond that, and its pretty immature. i dont think theres any need to respond to this latest message.

[C.Stein]

it reads to me as nothing but bait, trying harder to goad you into an emotional response. theres really nothing to understand beyond that, and its pretty immature. i dont think theres any need to respond to this latest message.

I agree.  He's just looking to get under your skin Larmoyant, don't let him do it.   

[Larmoyant]

I'm truly grateful for all your encouragement and I am trusting in this process of stepping back and noticing how I feel. Last night I fought off the urges to respond by walking, watching a movie and having some wine (and Lifewriter, I've ordered that book, thank you).This morning my feelings are still battling each other:

1.   I feel strong and mature for not responding. It's as if the adult has taken control of the crying child who wants what she does, but it's not good for her. This is my new start. I have a new place to live. I am incredibly grateful and feel safe here. Next week I am going to need to focus. I need to start looking for a new job and I want to start working on a PhD proposal. This is how I’m going to start to rebuild. Step by step.

2.   I feel angry and feel like writing this to him:

'You were the one that played me, no one else. You kept me around using false promises to get your needs met. Kept me hanging on a piece of string. Dangling the carrot. Lucy wouldn’t ever let Charlie kick the ball. What about my needs in that relationship? You barely considered them. You asked me to get engaged, but your actions did not match your words. Would a fiancé when hearing that his girlfriend will lose her home tell her to go house sitting when you live in a four bedroom place and have recently told her you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Deception, lies, confusion, instability and inconsistency. Unfortunately, I bet my life on it, on you and I lost. I will never, ever do that again. There’s a painful lesson in this for me and for you'

3.   I also feel like crying, in fact I am crying. I want him to know, really know that he was loved. I just wanted to love him and have him love me. I miss him. When he’s good he’s so good. His voice softens. He says “Hi lovely”, “Hi gorgeous”. He makes me laugh. He holds my hand. It feels like protection. I like what he looks like and how he feels. I miss him. Yes, but then the switch……………

4.   I just read a post by Visitor on another thread, but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to copy it here. It was incredibly sad and for me sums it up. I thought I was in a relationship, but never was.

I'm going to continue to step back. Thanks again for all the encouragement.

[Lifewriter16]

You are more than welcome, Larmoyant.

I've watched your struggle with this and seen how closely mine has paralleled it and I am inspired. You have called on your inner strength and you are growing day-by-day. It is a privilege to witness the transformation that is taking place in you.

You are facing the inconsistencies and contacting your anger. That will help to strengthen your resolve whilst you grieve for your ex and for the past he represents.  

I feel with you in your sadness, but know that it is by really feeling your sadness that acceptance will come.

You are so near to being free. It is only a whisper away. Can you sense it?

Sending you hugs for your sorrow.      

Love

Lifewriter

[heartandwhole]

Larmoyant,

I'm proud of you. You are changing and growing stronger every day. It's wonderful to see that you are making yourself and want you need important again. I know how hard it is; the feelings will be up and down and all around for a while.

Keep on keepin' on. You will be surprised how things evolve. You are worth it. 

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Lifewriter, HeartandWhole, I've messed up again :'( He called me and I've posted about it. I'm back to feelings confused and very upset, but at least I have a strategy now. Time to step back again... .