Is this harassment?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I believe my ex might be harassing me. I also realize I might be paranoid. Here are some events that went down last weekend:

1. A mutual acquaintance (that I hadn't heard from in six months) suggested that I go to a festival in the town where my ex lives.

2. I received a spike in private LinkedIn views, 4 in a day. That's never happened before.

3. My ex reactivated her Facebook after 10 months. She unfriended my good friend who introduced us and myself.

4. I received 4 different phone calls (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday) all from different numbers I did not recognize. I rarely get a call from a number I do not recognize.

5. On the same day her Facebook was reactivated, I received a bizarre friend request and message. The friend request had no picture at first, then changed to a rose. I also noticed that the profile was made that day . The profile only had three friends, all Turkish.

Please read the exchange. Some things to keep in mind: I've been on Facebook for 11 years. The only other dubious profile I've gotten a message from was from an obvious sex worker that tried to get me to their website. I have a female co-worker who is Turkish who I frequently spoke to with my ex. My ex's dad's family is originally friend Texas. Lastly, she would comment on how it bothered her when I would ask, "Where did you go?" "Are you there?" Etc. Here it is:

Her: (Saturday at approximately 12 AM): Hi

Me: (Saturday approximately 8:30 AM): Hi

Her: (Wednesday at approximately 12:30 PM): Hello

Me: Hi

Her: Hw u doing

Me: I'm fine. I don't think you are who you are pretending to be.

Her: Am *Alias* from texas and yoy

Me: I think you're lying to me. This is obviously a fake profile.

Her: Noo try to understand me

Me: I think you're somebody I knew well who is afraid to talk to me. Because they hurt me very badly.

Her: What do u mean by saying that to me

Me: You know exactly what I mean.

Her: Dnt not tell me that. I fnt

Me: I will not play these games, *ex's name*. If you want to talk to me, message me on my cell or on your real profile.

Her: I did not what. U mean by saying that. This is my profile. Ok my I know u better.

Me: I'm done.

Her: I'm using my real profile and I can send you my picture if you want.

Me: Stop. Just stop.

Her: Why I'm sincerely serious I don't know what you are talking about. And did we ever met before. Coz I'm confuse.

Me: How is *ex's child's name*?

Her: I don't know who is *ex's child's name* Can you show me the picture of whom you are talking about

Her: Are you there

Then I stopped. All of this seems like way too much to be coincidence. I'm assuming if I go to the police they'll say, "You only have circumstantial evidence. I'm going to discuss it with my T the next time I see him.

I also got another number I didn't recognize today. That's FIVE in a week's time.

[sweet tooth]

I believe my ex might be harassing me. I also realize I might be paranoid. Here are some events that went down last weekend:

1. A mutual acquaintance (that I hadn't heard from in six months) suggested that I go to a festival in the town where my ex lives.

2. I received a spike in private LinkedIn views, 4 in a day. That's never happened before.

3. My ex reactivated her Facebook after 10 months. She unfriended my good friend who introduced us and myself.

4. I received 4 different phone calls (Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday) all from different numbers I did not recognize. I rarely get a call from a number I do not recognize.

5. On the same day her Facebook was reactivated, I received a bizarre friend request and message. The friend request had no picture at first, then changed to a rose. I also noticed that the profile was made that day . The profile only had three friends, all Turkish.

Please read the exchange. Some things to keep in mind: I've been on Facebook for 11 years. The only other dubious profile I've gotten a message from was from an obvious sex worker that tried to get me to their website. I have a female co-worker who is Turkish who I frequently spoke to with my ex. My ex's dad's family is originally friend Texas. Lastly, she would comment on how it bothered her when I would ask, "Where did you go?" "Are you there?" Etc. Here it is:

Her: (Saturday at approximately 12 AM): Hi

Me: (Saturday approximately 8:30 AM): Hi

Her: (Wednesday at approximately 12:30 PM): Hello

Me: Hi

Her: Hw u doing

Me: I'm fine. I don't think you are who you are pretending to be.

Her: Am *Alias* from texas and yoy

Me: I think you're lying to me. This is obviously a fake profile.

Her: Noo try to understand me

Me: I think you're somebody I knew well who is afraid to talk to me. Because they hurt me very badly.

Her: What do u mean by saying that to me

Me: You know exactly what I mean.

Her: Dnt not tell me that. I fnt

Me: I will not play these games, *ex's name*. If you want to talk to me, message me on my cell or on your real profile.

Her: I did not what. U mean by saying that. This is my profile. Ok my I know u better.

Me: I'm done.

Her: I'm using my real profile and I can send you my picture if you want.

Me: Stop. Just stop.

Her: Why I'm sincerely serious I don't know what you are talking about. And did we ever met before. Coz I'm confuse.

Me: How is *ex's child's name*?

Her: I don't know who is *ex's child's name* Can you show me the picture of whom you are talking about

Her: Are you there

Then I stopped. All of this seems like way too much to be coincidence. I'm assuming if I go to the police they'll say, "You only have circumstantial evidence. I'm going to discuss it with my T the next time I see him.

I also got another number I didn't recognize today. That's FIVE in a week's time.

[Herodias]

To be honest, I think you are obsessing. It probably is true, but you can't take this to the police. It's not harassment in a dangerous way right now. You would look paranoid, yes. Just block what you can and don't respond to anything. Find something else to do with your time... .If you want my honest opinion, don't talk to the police unless you have a dangerous situation to report, so that they will believe you if that happens. Just ignore the weirdness and know it is how they are... .

[sweet tooth]

To be honest, I think you are obsessing. It probably is true, but you can't take this to the police. It's not harassment in a dangerous way right now. You would look paranoid, yes. Just block what you can and don't respond to anything. Find something else to do with your time... .If you want my honest opinion, don't talk to the police unless you have a dangerous situation to report, so that they will believe you if that happens. Just ignore the weirdness and know it is how they are... .

I agree, Blue. It was just a thought that crossed my mind. I don't want it to escalate. My ex had a major smear campaign against her ex-husband, and in my opinion harassed him. I don't want it to escalate to the point where my financial or physical safety are at risk.

Another thought crossed my mind: Assuming it is her, I had an impulse to message her and ask her to stop. However, she asked me not to contact her. I am afraid if I did that then I would be accused of harassment, threatened with s RO, etc. She loves to play the victim. I can picture her pushing my buttons, I retaliate, and then she accuses me of being the aggressor.

[fromheeltoheal]

Are you getting closer to focusing on a future without her in it ST?

[Herodias]

Yes! Mine threatened to file harassment charges on me! It is not worth it... .keep your sanity and reputation. They will do anything to smear you. Be safe and close some accounts if you don't need them. I closed mine for two months... .didn't really miss it much. I am back on Facebook under my new name, started a while new account and deleted the old one.  I don't do that much on it. It is surprising that we can live without these distractions

[once removed]

Another thought crossed my mind: Assuming it is her, I had an impulse to message her and ask her to stop.

assuming this is your goal, blocking/ignoring/not responding/not engaging sends the message.

[sweet tooth]

Another thought crossed my mind: Assuming it is her, I had an impulse to message her and ask her to stop.

assuming this is your goal, blocking/ignoring/not responding/not engaging sends the message.

Yea, you're right.

[sweet tooth]

Are you getting closer to focusing on a future without her in it ST?

Yes, absolutely. This has helped me detach.

[sweet tooth]

Yes! Mine threatened to file harassment charges on me! It is not worth it... .keep your sanity and reputation. They will do anything to smear you. Be safe and close some accounts if you don't need them. I closed mine for two months... .didn't really miss it much. I am back on Facebook under my new name, started a while new account and deleted the old one.  I don't do that much on it. It is surprising that we can live without these distractions

Blue, I rarely go on LinkedIn anymore because it causes me distress. I'm very active on FB. It would be hard for me to limit it. Closing my FB account and opening a new one would be a collassal pain. I've made many connections with it over the years.

One thing I noticed that perplexed me: I'm obviously painted black, but she kept up all the posts she tagged me in before deactivating her account. Totally bizarre.

[Herodias]

Maybe she didn't think it through... .Mine has been making friends with random people he doesn't even know. Scary. I know we should't look, but it the psychology of it all is what keeps me fascinated, now that I know what he is all about. I feel detached, but by doing so, I am not. Someone asked me today at work, "will you be done obsessing about all of this after you divorce tomorrow?" I said, I am not quite as into it as I was... .I now can go days without looking at his fb, but I like my support group. ... .I actually forget about fb some times. . It all takes time. The faster you can stop, the faster you move on. I guess I am a turtle,

[sweet tooth]

I am obsessing, too. I have always had an obsessive mind to begin with. Add the trauma and drama and it just makes it hard not to think about.

[fromheeltoheal]

Are you getting closer to focusing on a future without her in it ST?

Yes, absolutely. This has helped me detach.

Nice!  And you might agree that engaging with someone you think is her and considering the cops is not detaching, the opposite in fact, but it takes what it takes, and as long as we keep our eyes on the goal we won't lose sight of it, kind of by definition yes?  So what is the goal?

I have always had an obsessive mind to begin with.

So how can you use that?  If you become obsessed with your future and creating the life of your dreams, for example, that obsession will make it near impossible to think of her.  And did you ever notice that it's impossible to be grateful and feel fear or anger at the same time?  So what are you grateful for?

[sweet tooth]

Are you getting closer to focusing on a future without her in it ST?

Yes, absolutely. This has helped me detach.

Nice!  And you might agree that engaging with someone you think is her and considering the cops is not detaching, the opposite in fact, but it takes what it takes, and as long as we keep our eyes on the goal we won't lose sight of it, kind of by definition yes?  So what is the goal?

I have always had an obsessive mind to begin with.

So how can you use that?  If you become obsessed with your future and creating the life of your dreams, for example, that obsession will make it near impossible to think of her.  And did you ever notice that it's impossible to be grateful and feel fear or anger at the same time?  So what are you grateful for?

I gotta discuss all of this stuff with my T.

[Lilyroze]

Hi Sweet Tooth,

Just wanted you to know things will get better. Find some positive things to do for you. Whatever it is that brings you joy, maybe the gym, running, or jogging, cooking from scratch, reading a new book. Make some new small goals for you. Reward yourself you deserve it. Totally block, ignore as hard as it is and go on. Firemen will tell you that you don't put out fires with more fire, unless brush forest... .

So make an action plan for you, and start today. Talk to your T, about and then ignore. Once she gets no reaction she will have to stop eventually. People who know you for you, won't listen to her and the ones who do aren't worth your worry.

Peace and healing on your journey.

[sweet tooth]

Hi Sweet Tooth,

Just wanted you to know things will get better. Find some positive things to do for you. Whatever it is that brings you joy, maybe the gym, running, or jogging, cooking from scratch, reading a new book. Make some new small goals for you. Reward yourself you deserve it. Totally block, ignore as hard as it is and go on. Firemen will tell you that you don't put out fires with more fire, unless brush forest... .

So make an action plan for you, and start today. Talk to your T, about and then ignore. Once she gets no reaction she will have to stop eventually. People who know you for you, won't listen to her and the ones who do aren't worth your worry.

Peace and healing on your journey.

That sounds like a good idea. My T agrees that it was more than likely my ex who was harassing me. She sent me another text that said, "Hello." My response:

"I already told you to stop playing games and to message me through your actual FB account or my cell phone if you wish to communicate with me, *ex's name*. If you won't agree to those terms, then I'm not going to talk to you. That's that."

She read the message but never sent a reply. My friend told me, "whoever it is, they're a persistent psycho." 

It was a rough week. I had the stalking behavior and we had to put down our 13 year old dog, who I loved since she was a 3 month old puppy.

[fromheeltoheal]

It was a rough week. I had the stalking behavior and we had to put down our 13 year old dog, who I loved since she was a 3 month old puppy.

Sorry man, saying goodbye to a trusted friend is very difficult and it hurts, been there more than once.  It helps to remember the good times, which are many with dogs.  Sorry man.

That sounds like a good idea. My T agrees that it was more than likely my ex who was harassing me. She sent me another text that said, "Hello." My response:

"I already told you to stop playing games and to message me through your actual FB account or my cell phone if you wish to communicate with me, *ex's name*. If you won't agree to those terms, then I'm not going to talk to you. That's that."

And of course the next level is "please do not contact me again", and if that doesn't work, blocking and/or not acknowledging strange, anonymous ones.  One thing that is predictable with borderlines is they will tire of it and go away eventually, as long as you don't give any hint that an emotional attachment is still in place; borderlines need attachments to survive, and if there's nothing there for her, at all, she'll go find another one.  Am I right that that is the goal?

[Leonis]

I get that once in a while, even before I met my ex.

They are just weird random people on FB. Change your privacy settings, you'll be fine.

[sweet tooth]

It was a rough week. I had the stalking behavior and we had to put down our 13 year old dog, who I loved since she was a 3 month old puppy.

Sorry man, saying goodbye to a trusted friend is very difficult and it hurts, been there more than once.  It helps to remember the good times, which are many with dogs.  Sorry man.

That sounds like a good idea. My T agrees that it was more than likely my ex who was harassing me. She sent me another text that said, "Hello." My response:

"I already told you to stop playing games and to message me through your actual FB account or my cell phone if you wish to communicate with me, *ex's name*. If you won't agree to those terms, then I'm not going to talk to you. That's that."

And of course the next level is "please do not contact me again", and if that doesn't work, blocking and/or not acknowledging strange, anonymous ones.  One thing that is predictable with borderlines is they will tire of it and go away eventually, as long as you don't give any hint that an emotional attachment is still in place; borderlines need attachments to survive, and if there's nothing there for her, at all, she'll go find another one.  Am I right that that is the goal?

I don't know what the goal is. I have very conflicting feelings.

[sweet tooth]

Just got another bizarre friend request. The profile was just created. Only two pictures. No mutual friends. This person (a male) only has 4 Facebook friends. Every one of those 4 is Facebook friends with somebody I went to high school with. Very bizarre.

[fromheeltoheal]

Just got another bizarre friend request. The profile was just created. Only two pictures. No mutual friends. This person (a male) only has 4 Facebook friends. Every one of those 4 is Facebook friends with somebody I went to high school with. Very bizarre.

Maybe Facebook isn't your friend right now ST?  If you focus on your own emotional serenity for now, maybe it makes sense to put your account on hold or whatever for now?

I don't know what the goal is. I have very conflicting feelings.

So what are those conflicting feelings?  It helps to type them out, lends some order to them, and we might be able to say something that will help.

[sweet tooth]

Just got another bizarre friend request. The profile was just created. Only two pictures. No mutual friends. This person (a male) only has 4 Facebook friends. Every one of those 4 is Facebook friends with somebody I went to high school with. Very bizarre.

Maybe Facebook isn't your friend right now ST?  If you focus on your own emotional serenity for now, maybe it makes sense to put your account on hold or whatever for now?

I don't know what the goal is. I have very conflicting feelings.

So what are those conflicting feelings?  It helps to type them out, lends some order to them, and we might be able to say something that will help.

My conflicting feelings:

1. Honestly, I hope I'm wrong about all of this. I have a deep hope that I'm not actually being anonymously stalked and that I'm wrong about my BPD ex. Part of me hopes for a reconciliation and that I'm completely off base. However, more than likely my suspicions are correct. I've spoken to numerous people I trust, including my T, and they all agree that I'm more than likely being stalked.

2. I'm mourning two things: The first is the end of the relationship. The second is the person I was falling in love with. I have to come to terms that that person does not exist (see #1).  It's almost like mourning a death in a sense.  That person disappeared and probably isn't coming back. I miss that person very much and what we shared together. I never had as much with another person as I did with her. It's a lot to take in.

3. I feel a sense of fear. My T stated that having physical fear at this point is probably irrational. I'm not getting anything in the mail and I'm not being threatened. However, I have a fear that the behaviors will eventually escalate into something like that. It might be irrational, but it's still a feeling that I have.

4. I'm coping with the fact that I seem to attract unstable, bizarre women. It's very hard to come to terms with. It makes me feel horribly.

5. I feel very badly for my ex's child. The child is innocent in all of this and has a very unstable mother. I have always liked children and it makes me feel badly when I see a child in a bad situation. I know the kid isn't my responsibility, but I still feel horribly for her. I wish there was something I could do for her. I feel powerless over it.

6. If I deactivate my Facebook or change my daily routine, I give my ex power over me.  If I do nothing the behaviors will continue. It's a tough situation to be in.

[fromheeltoheal]

My conflicting feelings:

1. Honestly,

2. I'm mourning two things:

3. I feel a sense of fear.

4. I'm coping with the fact that I seem to attract unstable, bizarre women.

5. I feel very badly for my ex's child.

6. If I deactivate my Facebook or change my daily routine, I give my ex power over me.

Good job ST, good work!

The second is the person I was falling in love with. I have to come to terms that that person does not exist (see #1).  It's almost like mourning a death in a sense.  That person disappeared and probably isn't coming back. I miss that person very much and what we shared together. I never had as much with another person as I did with her. It's a lot to take in.

Yes, most of us experience that.  It's a very ugly wake-up call to realize that the person we fell in love with doesn't exist, except in our head.  And there is grieving involved in letting that go; the only way out is through.  But there's good news in there too: you were falling in love with someone you thought she was, that beautiful girl, which shows you are capable of that kind of love, and now you get to learn the lessons of the relationship and take the new, improved you out into the world, and the right girl will show up, and you'll recognize it because you're focusing on it, and then you can have what you wanted all along.  It's too early for that now, but just know that you are capable and it will happen, because you have it in you, you just have a few steps to work through first.

4. I'm coping with the fact that I seem to attract unstable, bizarre women. It's very hard to come to terms with. It makes me feel horribly.

You may have heard we attract people we're on the same level with, which isn't meant to be shaming, it's an opportunity to use the pain you're currently in as motivation to learn the lessons of the relationship and grow, so the quality of people you attract is higher, because you've become a better version of yourself.

6. If I deactivate my Facebook or change my daily routine, I give my ex power over me.  If I do nothing the behaviors will continue. It's a tough situation to be in.

You could make it mean that, or you could commit to taking your power back, no matter what, make it the most important thing, and Facebook isn't helping with that right now, in fact it's making it worse.  I quit Facebook a while after I left her, not because of her exclusively, and I don't miss it, it was a major time suck for me and wasn't adding any value, but I realize that's not the case for everyone.  You could tell your closest friends that you're taking a break for a while, and if they're true friends they'll understand and support you, and once you get your feet on the ground you can go back, and you really won't have missed anything.  Just sayin'... .

[sweet tooth]

My conflicting feelings:

1. Honestly,

2. I'm mourning two things:

3. I feel a sense of fear.

4. I'm coping with the fact that I seem to attract unstable, bizarre women.

5. I feel very badly for my ex's child.

6. If I deactivate my Facebook or change my daily routine, I give my ex power over me. 

Good job ST, good work!

The second is the person I was falling in love with. I have to come to terms that that person does not exist (see #1).  It's almost like mourning a death in a sense.  That person disappeared and probably isn't coming back. I miss that person very much and what we shared together. I never had as much with another person as I did with her. It's a lot to take in.

Yes, most of us experience that.  It's a very ugly wake-up call to realize that the person we fell in love with doesn't exist, except in our head.  And there is grieving involved in letting that go; the only way out is through.  But there's good news in there too: you were falling in love with someone you thought she was, that beautiful girl, which shows you are capable of that kind of love, and now you get to learn the lessons of the relationship and take the new, improved you out into the world, and the right girl will show up, and you'll recognize it because you're focusing on it, and then you can have what you wanted all along.  It's too early for that now, but just know that you are capable and it will happen, because you have it in you, you just have a few steps to work through first.

4. I'm coping with the fact that I seem to attract unstable, bizarre women. It's very hard to come to terms with. It makes me feel horribly.

You may have heard we attract people we're on the same level with, which isn't meant to be shaming, it's an opportunity to use the pain you're currently in as motivation to learn the lessons of the relationship and grow, so the quality of people you attract is higher, because you've become a better version of yourself.

6. If I deactivate my Facebook or change my daily routine, I give my ex power over me.  If I do nothing the behaviors will continue. It's a tough situation to be in.

You could make it mean that, or you could commit to taking your power back, no matter what, make it the most important thing, and Facebook isn't helping with that right now, in fact it's making it worse.  I quit Facebook a while after I left her, not because of her exclusively, and I don't miss it, it was a major time suck for me and wasn't adding any value, but I realize that's not the case for everyone.  You could tell your closest friends that you're taking a break for a while, and if they're true friends they'll understand and support you, and once you get your feet on the ground you can go back, and you really won't have missed anything.  Just sayin'... .

Thanks for the advice. I have an update:

The profile that interacted with me is gone, either removed, deactivated, or I've been blocked. I got a new friend request: the person has no mutual friends with me. However, they have 15 friends, and everyone of the friends has at least 1 friend in common with me. Only two pics. The profile was created today. Totally bizarre. It's almost as if she deactivated one profile, immediately created another, and added friends with 2nd degree connections to me.

This stuff is too much. I'm considering signing off of FB for awhile. I've already significantly cut back my LinkedIn.

[fromheeltoheal]

This stuff is too much. I'm considering signing off of FB for awhile. I've already significantly cut back my LinkedIn.

Good plan.  Consider this: "communication" can be broken down into three components, physiology, tone of voice, and words.  Physiology, or body language, conveys 55% of the 'message' we're communicating, tone of voice 38%, and the words 7%.  So when you're with someone physically you get the whole message and you can tell if they're congruent or not; if their body language, facial expression, tone of voice, don't match the words they're saying you can tell they're lying, or anxious, or whatever, we get the whole message.  Talking on the phone we lose the body language but we still get the tone of voice and the words, so now we're down to 45% of the real message.  Now typing on the internet?  We're only getting 7% of the full communication.  Relationships with borderlines are confusing enough, and only getting the words we're not getting almost all of the communication, which doesn't help at all.  Of course this site is the same, plus we're anonymous, but the upside here is it's safe, so people can share openly, at least that 7% which is the words, which makes it safe.  And the other side of that, we've all seen, is trolls who hide behind their computers and spew the most noxious crap on the internet, because they don't have the courage to say those things to real people in the real world and the internet serves as a pressure relief valve.

Kinda went off.  Point is getting partial communication from a borderline, or a stalker who might be your ex, isn't helping your serenity and your detachment at all, and if you put your best interests and your emotional health ahead of all else right now, there may be no place for social networking.