Learning to accept the ugly truth

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's finally beginning to sink in for me, as I'm slowly beginning to work on myself. It's not easy, and I still think about her constantly Here is what I should never forget.

1. I have to find what the issues are in my own life that led me to want to stay with this woman, even if every fiber of my being knew  that she was toxic and should be avoided. I gave her permission to abuse me when I accepted to be recycled repeatedly I accept my role in this whole mess.

2. She didn't love me. She loved what I could bring to her life.

3. I was a tool. Someone she could use when she was lonely. A place for me in one of her many triangles. An outlet to dump everything she hated about herself. I was an object to be discarded like all the ones before me, and the ones to come.

4. She is self aware and has no willingness to change. She is enabled by her family. She is mentally ill, and will never change.

5. For every golden moment with her, their are hours of pain. That's is unsustainable.

6. Why am I grieving the loss of our relationship, while she has smeared my reputation, and is using me to gain attention playing the victim?

7. Lying, Flirting with other men in front of me, and cheating. This a woman that has surely been with over 100 men. Self respect alone should be enough to stay away from her.

8. I'm tired of thinking about her. I want to start thinking about me. I want to eat better, skeep better, exercise, and get back to being the person I was. I'm beginning by small steps, but i'll get there.

9. Since having met I began distancing myself from my extremely close family. Thankfully they stick by me, and have been supportive.

10.I've learned a lot about myself in this ordeal. Knowledge is power.

This is what I should remember the next time that call or text from her comes in, and I have no doubt it will. Meanwhile I'll just keep getting stronger.

[Rayban]

It's finally beginning to sink in for me, as I'm slowly beginning to work on myself. It's not easy, and I still think about her constantly Here is what I should never forget.

1. I have to find what the issues are in my own life that led me to want to stay with this woman, even if every fiber of my being knew  that she was toxic and should be avoided. I gave her permission to abuse me when I accepted to be recycled repeatedly I accept my role in this whole mess.

2. She didn't love me. She loved what I could bring to her life.

3. I was a tool. Someone she could use when she was lonely. A place for me in one of her many triangles. An outlet to dump everything she hated about herself. I was an object to be discarded like all the ones before me, and the ones to come.

4. She is self aware and has no willingness to change. She is enabled by her family. She is mentally ill, and will never change.

5. For every golden moment with her, their are hours of pain. That's is unsustainable.

6. Why am I grieving the loss of our relationship, while she has smeared my reputation, and is using me to gain attention playing the victim?

7. Lying, Flirting with other men in front of me, and cheating. This a woman that has surely been with over 100 men. Self respect alone should be enough to stay away from her.

8. I'm tired of thinking about her. I want to start thinking about me. I want to eat better, skeep better, exercise, and get back to being the person I was. I'm beginning by small steps, but i'll get there.

9. Since having met I began distancing myself from my extremely close family. Thankfully they stick by me, and have been supportive.

10.I've learned a lot about myself in this ordeal. Knowledge is power.

This is what I should remember the next time that call or text from her comes in, and I have no doubt it will. Meanwhile I'll just keep getting stronger.

[JerryRG]

Sound pretty aware of the situation to me, this will help you recover. If we can see the reality of our situation we are well on the way to wellness.

Good for you Rayban

I'm happy for your insight, you're going to ok

[Nuitari]

For every golden moment with her, their are hours of pain. That's is unsustainable.

I like this one. Never thought about it that way before.

[seenr]

Word for word exactly what I had, apart from number 7.

Luckily she did not cheat, but she was violent, so one as bad as another in many ways.

I derived strength from reading your post.

Thank You.

[Reforming]

Hi Rayban  

A lot of your conclusions sound really healthy. In retrospect I think I struggled to temper self knowledge with compassion

It's finally beginning to sink in for me, as I'm slowly beginning to work on myself. It's not easy, and I still think about her constantly Here is what I should never forget.

1. I have to find what the issues are in my own life ….

There's a lot of truth in this, but perhaps it might be fairer to say that you were drawn to unhealthy dynamic for reasons. I would not necessarily ascribe blame or fault.

2. She didn't love me. She loved what I could bring to her life.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but I think disordered people can experience love. It might be immature, healthy or unsustainable but she may have loved you as best as she could. Do we not love people who bring joy, happiness, excitement etc into our lives?

3. I was a tool. Someone she could use when she was lonely... .

I think a lot of us seek connection to avoid being alone. Disordered people are more extreme and their attachments are often unstable and unhealthy but I think we are all capable of projecting good and bad onto our partners

4. She is self aware and has no willingness to change...

Self awareness is a good foundation for change but it's not enough. Change is hard anyone and I think it's even harder if you're disordered. Unhealthy family dynamics often play a role. She may change and she may not. The important thing to acknowledge is that it's beyond your control.

5. For every golden moment with her, their are hours of pain. That's is unsustainable.

Self love and the acknowledgement of our limitations is really important. Lots of us have struggled to accept even if you love someone deeply staying in a relationship that is destructive and unhealthy is bad for both people involved.

6. Why am I grieving the loss of our relationship?

Perhaps because she made you feel special, because you felt a connection. It's healthy to grieve the loss for what you hoped would be.

7. Lying, Flirting with other men in front of me, and cheating... .

I agree self respect and loving yourself in a healthy way

8. I'm tired of thinking about her. I want to start thinking about me... .

Working through the endless ruminations can be incredibly frustrating and exhausting but it's part of processing that leads to healing. It will lessen over time and you will rediscover yourself

9. Since having met I began distancing myself from my extremely close family. Thankfully they stick by me, and have been supportive.

That's good and very important. Feeling connected and supported doesn't just make a huge difference when you're healing but for a happier life.

10.I've learned a lot about myself in this ordeal. Knowledge is power.

Knowledge can open doors but you still have to walk through them

This is what I should remember the next time that call or text from her comes in... .

And if then strategy is a great idea. www.developgoodhabits.com/if-then-plan/

Good luck and well done

Reforming

[Raspberry]

I admire your reflection and thank you for sharing your insights x