Staying NC is the hardest thing I've Ever Done

[DreamerGirl]

I am osculating from hour to hour, whether to unblock his number.

This really started last night.  I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.

I nearly unblocked his number last night, with the hope that maybe I would get a text or call, but I somehow decided to sleep on it and wait another day.

This was 24 hours ago and I have this craving again, it's really bad, I want to hear from him.  I won't text or call him, but I want to hear from him.

I also feel bad, I know he would have reached out by now, I know his pattern too well, and I feel sad that he has called and texted me and received no response.  He doesn't know that I have him blocked.  I can't see any messages and will never see them. 

I just feel weak today and broken without him.

I may even unblock his number tonight, I don't know. 

This has taken a lot of courage for me to do this, I don't want to undo it, I don't want to go back to the pain that will eventually come again... .I just miss him and miss the affection and love he gave me. I feel really torn at the moment. 

No contact now for 13 days, the longest ever.  I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey.  I need to stay strong.

[seenr]

I completely understand & my heart goes out to you.

I am doing something similar myself - not blocked them as we have a son, but I have blocked her from apps like whatsapp, viber, made my twitter account private. I don't use facebook so am not checking her account. I know you are in pain right now, but all I can say is that by doing this it is a step forward, you might not think it now but it is.

Sean.

[DreamerGirl]

Sean thank you.

A step forward as painful as this is, is true.  Every moment of not letting them into our life, is a massive step in the right direction.  I have fluctuated from moments of feeling strong to feeling so desperate. 

I just love this man more than I have ever felt, yet the pain and hurt he has caused me has now over-ridden his love and promises.  I don't believe him anymore and I can't stand the pain he causes me, yet I crave him to make me feel whole again.

Keeping him blocked is the only way I can survive this.  If I see his words or hear his voice, I will believe in him and us again.  I need to keep focused as painful as this is. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I am sorry that you are hurting.   I can relate very much to your feelings of sadness, and know how hard it is to stay strong and focused during these times.

You are doing well. You gave yourself time to be with your feelings. That is a great step. Maybe you'll unblock, maybe you won't. What's most important is your awareness of your feelings and where you are in your detachment process.

Have you asked your ex for a period of NC, or informed him that that is what you need right now, DreamerGirl? If he knew that you needed to be NC, then that might alleviate some of your anxiety and guilt about not responding to his possible messages.

Hand in there. It really does get better.  

heartandwhole

[DazedD40]

Stay strong!

I am trying to find the stregnth to go NC with my ex but instead of that we are constantly messaging one another, sometimes about random things, sometimes about us, sometimes telling me she loves and misses me.

Im struggling to detach, even though i know i need too yet here i am allowing the recycle of sorts thats happening yet i know that this isnt going where i want it too go.

Stay strong as even though im stuck right now so i know how hard it is to make that NC descsion because i cant make it myself right now.

You may not feel strong right now but believe me you are stronger than you think.

[Meili]

DreamerGirl,

I went back and read some of your old posts. Maybe your going back and reading them will help you find the strength to stay NC? There are some powerful emotions in what you've written.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you everyone, for all your support, I need it.

heartandwhole - thanks for your support and hugs... .I need a hug really bad at the moment!  

DazedD40 - I know exactly how you feel, it's very very hard to cut someone out of your life, permanently.  Especially when it is a person who you love, but you know they are bad for you, yet you still want them.  It's such a conflicting mental state to be in.  Letting go is almost more of an emotional roller coaster ride, than what's it's been like staying in the relationship.  But I know if we can get through the storm, there will be sunshine and blue skies again!

Meili - I took your advice and re-read through my old posts. I actually felt quite shocked to see how many times i had been at the point where I thought I couldn't take any more, yet, I kept going and adapting more to his treatment of me.  I also noticed I had so much hope in the earlier posts, I remember that feeling of hope, it really kept me going.  I don't have that hope anymore, I lost that hope about 6 or 7 months ago.  I knew then that this would be the best I would ever have, and more than likely, it would keep deteriorating anyway.  I think what also shocked me was that for some reason, i thought the first couple of years together were really good, but reading back and seeing that wasn't the actual case, floored me!

So sadly my update is that I did 'fall off' the wagon.   I unblocked his number last night.  I felt in a lot of pain.  I sent him a text message.  Not a message that needed a response.  Just a short message that expressed, I was sad we had ended this way.  But, my intention was hoping to hear from him.  I felt desperate/needy inside, like a drug addict, I needed a fix, that is the only way I can describe how I felt. 

I was down on myself this morning, for texting him.  But I still kept him unblocked because I needed to hear from him.  He texted me back, and it was a harsh text, blaming me for what had happened.  But the fact that he said in the text message that he loved me, was the relief I needed.  The other words hurt, but he responded and that's what I needed.

There were a couple of back and forth texts, but nothing nasty after his first one, he said it a few times, how he loved me and was dreaming of me etc.  I know he wanted to hear me at least say that I loved him still but I couldn't do it.  I do love him, but I know if I say that, then, just from the latest recycles, we are heading back into another one.  And to go into another recycle with each other, is just prolonging what is going to happen.  I know I have to go through the dark to find the light.  I am strong and weak from moment to moment right now.

I think I got enough, hopefully, so that I can continue to try and move forward without him.  It was a fix, like only one glass of wine, rather than the whole bottle.  I'm feeling weak emotionally and physically today.  I have the support of my daughter and sisters and a best friend but that doesn't soothe me.  So why do I still want him after everything. 

To hear him justify why he has treated me this way, and then say that I deserved it, when it's all untrue and in his imagination, astounds me, still. He is the one who has hurt me, lied and broken my trust, lowered all my expectations by letting me down time after time, and yet I am the bad one?   I think the worst thing is that I have such a low self esteem to have let him do this to me and if I don't work on that, then I will always make excuses for him.  I'm scared I'm going to do it again and take him back and I don't want too.

I've made an appointment to go back and see my Psychologist, I know I need her support again.

[gotbushels]

DreamerGirl I'm sorry for the difficulty you're going through. NC can be extremely difficult. Things didn't occur as they planned. You're going through a lot of pain. It's alright to feel large pain when you're struggling with a large difficulty:)

How are you going to make things easier for yourself--in explicit actions--to be more kind to yourself? What decision is healthy for you in the long term? At the next night where you feel you want someone, how is finding out ways to be kinder to yourself going to help you make this decision then? I encourage you to look forward to getting through this:)

[hurting300]

I am osculating from hour to hour, whether to unblock his number.

This really started last night.  I am craving hearing from him, anything just to hear from him would bring the relief I so crave, and the part of me that wants and needs to hear he misses and loves me.

I nearly unblocked his number last night, with the hope that maybe I would get a text or call, but I somehow decided to sleep on it and wait another day.

This was 24 hours ago and I have this craving again, it's really bad, I want to hear from him.  I won't text or call him, but I want to hear from him.

I also feel bad, I know he would have reached out by now, I know his pattern too well, and I feel sad that he has called and texted me and received no response.  He doesn't know that I have him blocked.  I can't see any messages and will never see them. 

I just feel weak today and broken without him.

I may even unblock his number tonight, I don't know. 

This has taken a lot of courage for me to do this, I don't want to undo it, I don't want to go back to the pain that will eventually come again... .I just miss him and miss the affection and love he gave me. I feel really torn at the moment. 

No contact now for 13 days, the longest ever.  I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey.  I need to stay strong.

Who said you have to be No Contact? If you want to speak to him then speak. Did either of you do the break up or did you just stop talking one day?

[DreamerGirl]

gotbushels I am not sure how to be kinder to myself.  I have never really treated myself with kindness.  I am thinking about this right now.  Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

[DreamerGirl]

hurting300, thanks for responding.


No we didn't actually talk about going NC.  But he went NC/ST for his reasons, which I didn't know off, until I texted him last night.

His reasons were not valid, but to him they were.  So in his mind he broke up or we broke up on May 21st.  I didn't kow this, until last night as things had been going as usual.   i had committed a sin on May 21 which he didn't tell me off until last night... .

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

[Leonis]

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

You can't. That's why it's better to quit while you aren't completely sunk. The same thing could be said about my ex when it comes to why our relationship didn't work out. All the reasons, the nitty-gritty that she listed, were really non-issues that she tried to exaggerate into huge deal breakers.

[DazedD40]

Dreamer girl, your post and your experience at this time has enabled me to make that descsion and go no contact. You have mentioned your stuggles with NC but I want you to know that you have given me the stregnth to finally cut the chord and go NC.

[gotbushels]

His reasons were not valid, but to him they were.  So in his mind he broke up or we broke up on May 21st.  I didn't kow this, until last night as things had been going as usual.   i had committed a sin on May 21 which he didn't tell me off until last night... .

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

My ex broke up with me a few times without me knowing about it. I didn't even know you can do that 

gotbushels I am not sure how to be kinder to myself.  I have never really treated myself with kindness.  I am thinking about this right now.  Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.

Something that might help you is simply come up with 2-3 things. They should be easy to do, can be done almost any time, and ideally give you a sense of wellbeing and comfort.

My example I can give you is running. It's extremely simple. The bonus of this is it's very physical (physical is good because it forces the mind to move). Another friend of mine shared with me that when she was funking, her housemate would hand her the pair of trainers.

It could also be going for a purposeful walk at work. Plan a route that works for you. Sometimes, I like to visit a cake shop (ideally this would be a fruit bar but you get the idea). The trick is that it should fit the criteria; and commitment.

[atomic popsicles]

I'm right there with you. If I get a text it will be about how much he hates me.

How come everyone else has BPD exes that want back? My BPDEXH is way deep in hatred. Not sure why. I think it's related to a delusion that I met him years ago and am refusing to admit it... .idk.

I think your analogy of it being like a glass rather than a bottle of wine is a good one. You will do what you need at this minute. There are no rules. Just take care of you.

[hurting300]

hurting300, thanks for responding.


No we didn't actually talk about going NC.  But he went NC/ST for his reasons, which I didn't know off, until I texted him last night.

His reasons were not valid, but to him they were.  So in his mind he broke up or we broke up on May 21st.  I didn't kow this, until last night as things had been going as usual.   i had committed a sin on May 21 which he didn't tell me off until last night... .

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

So in a sense HE ghosted you and went silent without warning. That is hard. That happen to me as well. Unblock your phone, listen to what he says. Make an informed decision

[gotbushels]

How come everyone else has BPD exes that want back? My BPDEXH is way deep in hatred. Not sure why. I think it's related to a delusion that I met him years ago and am refusing to admit it... .idk.

Yes it seems many people have BPD exes that want back. But there are many that don't. I suggest that it depends on the individuals.

[Lilyroze]

hurting300, thanks for responding.


No we didn't actually talk about going NC.  But he went NC/ST for his reasons, which I didn't know off, until I texted him last night.

His reasons were not valid, but to him they were.  So in his mind he broke up or we broke up on May 21st.  I didn't kow this, until last night as things had been going as usual.   i had committed a sin on May 21 which he didn't tell me off until last night... .

How can you communicate with someone that only sees the world through their eyes!

So in a sense HE ghosted you and went silent without warning. That is hard. That happen to me as well. Unblock your phone, listen to what he says. Make an informed decision

The ghosting is cruelty in my opinion. Be woman or man enough to talk it out, if can't be resolved move on. Know one deserves to be treated as if they are not there. silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic or BPD tendencies. It is designed to place the abuser in a position of control;  silence the target’s attempts at assertion;  conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The person receiving , usually possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic or BPD  person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant  

It is totally different then NC when you tell a person hey need some time to cool off, don't want to say something I don't mean, or need to work through this. A few hours, day, or even weeks if you both agree.

It is sad many confuse NC vs ghosting or just silent treatment. Even nons with good intentions confuse them and can ruin good relationships. I know you all know just saying.

I have been a caretaker of an UBPD and getting divorce that was coming for long time just held it together for my son and truly thought he was dying of physical injuries. He would talk, rage, scream and me and always blame me. He at least wouldn't go silent. I will probably have to when all is said and done NC but will be caring and polite to do it for me, not to punish or hurt him. Truly he will latch on to someone for awhile anyway.

The one that hurt or destroyed me for awhile, was someone I loved to pieces, was always there for and same back for me. If we get into disagreements I want to give him time and space, no problem. Respect that, only thing is like you all have dealt with never tells me that just goes silent. Not for hours or days can ignore texts, calls, letters for weeks or months.  Found things that really hurt me and broke some trust, instead of explaining, or trying to see my hurt just ignored and went silent.

To me society is too much throw away now, and not willing to work, respect and talk things out. The silent, ghosting, cheating are not for me. Though I know when dealing with BPD that is what many of us have dealt with. Having boundaries, our core values are essential and important to us.

Sorry you are going through that you don't deserve that. Many heartfelt thoughts of peace on your healing journey.

[hurting300]

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

[Raspberry]

I am currently in exactly the same situation. I miss him so much but I don't miss the anxiety and lows and feeling like nothing. This is the only way it will heal and I have hope for both of us that it will get better. Sending hugs xx

[Raspberry]

Sean thank you.

A step forward as painful as this is, is true.  Every moment of not letting them into our life, is a massive step in the right direction.  I have fluctuated from moments of feeling strong to feeling so desperate. 

I just love this man more than I have ever felt, yet the pain and hurt he has caused me has now over-ridden his love and promises.  I don't believe him anymore and I can't stand the pain he causes me, yet I crave him to make me feel whole again.

Keeping him blocked is the only way I can survive this.  If I see his words or hear his voice, I will believe in him and us again.  I need to keep focused as painful as this is. 

I can't believe some one is going through exactly what I am at the moment. Here if you ever need to talk, I am in exactly the same place x

[atomic popsicles]

I'm in the same place,too. Maybe we need a club.

[Lilyroze]

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

Goodness thank you. So concerning to me that many don't seem to know the difference and is not healthy. Especially for the some nons to go down the destructive road as well. Just weird to me.

[hurting300]

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

Goodness thank you. So concerning to me that many don't seem to know the difference and is not healthy. Especially for the some nons to go down the destructive road as well. Just weird to me.

I'm afraid if someone behaves this way they aren't "nons".

[Lilyroze]

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

Goodness thank you. So concerning to me that many don't seem to know the difference and is not healthy. Especially for the some nons to go down the destructive road as well. Just weird to me.

I'm afraid if someone behaves this way they aren't "nons".

Yes very true but well trying to be polite... .LOL ( I need to not be afraid to call a spade a spade... .getting much better at it now)

Life is too precious, the only one I want to be better then the day before is myself.

I have given so much respect to the two in my life who have done this to me and my Mom. Always trying to see their side, fix it, love still, and be caring.

NOW need to do that for me. No more silent treatment for me. Either be an adult talk it out, if you need time to get rid of anger or come to terms or think, absolutely fine. Silent treatment No way... .never ever again.

[hurting300]

You are correct. It seems like 9 out of 10 people here think "no contact" is where you simply stop talking without warning when in fact all that shows is immaturity and bad conflict resolution skills. When you wish to no longer have contact you express it.

Goodness thank you. So concerning to me that many don't seem to know the difference and is not healthy. Especially for the some nons to go down the destructive road as well. Just weird to me.

I'm afraid if someone behaves this way they aren't "nons".

Yes very true but well trying to be polite... .LOL ( I need to not be afraid to call a spade a spade... .getting much better at it now)

Life is too precious, the only one I want to be better then the day before is myself.

I have given so much respect to the two in my life who have done this to me and my Mom. Always trying to see their side, fix it, love still, and be caring.

NOW need to do that for me. No more silent treatment for me. Either be an adult talk it out, if you need time to get rid of anger or come to terms or think, absolutely fine. Silent treatment No way... .never ever again.

What helped me is not taking it so personal. I'm not the only man she has done this too. And I certainly won't be the last. People say their is a difference between No Contact and Silent treatment. The difference is how you employ it. They aren't mind readers. What happened to society?

[e-Craig]

I have two children with my ex-BPD, so I'm not nc, but maintaining appropriate contact means pretty sticking pretty dang close to nc. And it is very difficult.

I did heroin for a couple of months about three years ago to medicate the pain of the relationship. There were some significant withdrawal symptoms when I stopped. Kicking the habit with my ex has been far, far harder. I'd actually take heroin withdrawal any day of the week--it was over in about four days.

[myself]

To hear him justify why he has treated me this way, and then say that I deserved it, when it's all untrue and in his imagination, astounds me, still. He is the one who has hurt me, lied and broken my trust, lowered all my expectations by letting me down time after time

I have the support of my daughter and sisters and a best friend but that doesn't soothe me.

They may not soothe you (enough), but also probably don't act the harmful ways he does.

Turn to them next time, and the next, and so on, until you get further past this.

Keep reaching out here, moving forward, instead of staying stuck in an addiction cycle.

How it was doesn't have to remain the way it is. We can choose to change our own patterns.

Easier said than done, for sure, but the more you follow through the better it gets.

Good for you to seek therapy again if you feel it will help. Dig deep. You can do this!

Letting go can definitely be a loss in many ways, yet also quite a gain in many others.

[DreamerGirl]

Apart from our brief text exchange 5 days ago, we have not had any contact.

Every day that he leaves me alone is a day stronger that I feel.  I just keep hoping he will not try and make contact before I can finish grieving and moving on.  I want to feel strong and able to resist him when he reemerges.

There is also another part inside of me that is craving to hear from him.

I don't know if that is my Ego or my longing for what I felt he was giving me.

I'm just hanging on at the moment day by day.  I know I can't go back, I can't ever go through the silent treatment again, I deserve better than that.  That is my strength, right now. 

Waking in the middle of the night and just crying for him has been the hardest.  But I know, even though I am grieving for him to hold me and make me feel better, he is the one who has caused this pain.  Such a confusing place to be in.

[DazedD40]

Apart from our brief text exchange 5 days ago, we have not had any contact.

Every day that he leaves me alone is a day stronger that I feel.  I just keep hoping he will not try and make contact before I can finish grieving and moving on.  I want to feel strong and able to resist him when he reemerges.

There is also another part inside of me that is craving to hear from him.

I don't know if that is my Ego or my longing for what I felt he was giving me.

I'm just hanging on at the moment day by day.  I know I can't go back, I can't ever go through the silent treatment again, I deserve better than that.  That is my strength, right now. 

Waking in the middle of the night and just crying for him has been the hardest.  But I know, even though I am grieving for him to hold me and make me feel better, he is the one who has caused this pain.  Such a confusing place to be in.

Hey DreamerGirl,

As you know im in a similar place at the moment and i got so mucg identification from your post.

I think disengaging and detatching from someone we love and care about so deeply is possibly one of the hardest things i have ever had to face up too. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings about our relationship. I look back in disbelief that i allowed myself to be manipulated and emotionally abused by her and then sit there wondering why i am missing her. I look back and wonder what on earth it was i was getting from the relationship with her because now im here i dont have a clue what positives she gave me.

Its a rollorcoaster isnt it? One minute i feel strong and confident in moving forwarde and continuing to detatch and i now achknowledge that theres no way back for us anymore yet i sit and miss her, miss talking to her, miss being able to hold her and miss her presence in everyway possible and i then start crying. Like you im having sleepless nights, waking up from dreams of her in a pool of sweat and that knot of anxiety as it hits in the middle of the night.

All i can do is carry on moving forward, which at the moment feels like crawling at a snails pace but i cant see any other way about going about this other than to fordge ahead a day at a time in the hope that ill one day be at peace with all of this. I hope you find the same but in the meantime just keep up the hard work you are putting in and im sure eventually we'll both come to find peace.

Until then big hugs and remember you are not alone.