Trying to gain closure

[Brinn]

I had a very strong attachment to a woman I loved who was under care of a Psychiatrist and therapist for anxiety disorder. We are in our late 40's and had a 16 month relationship that had a 6 week period about 9 months in she went silent. In addition, 5 months into our relationships I moved 10 hours away. She came to visit me almost every month in my new town and I returned to our hometown at least once a month. We had fun and I seemed to be helping her with crisises with her mom, sisters, son, daughter, work and friends. How she treated me didn't seem to jibe with all these crisises. She appeared for the most part to be honest, loving, caring and trying her best to maintain these external relationships, however, when I would want to engage, meet, help these situations I was cast aside, she would handle all these difficult issues. Anyway, I was extremely vulnerable as I moved to a new place, no family, new job, new friends etc. and she was there for me.  Then she went silent and at an odd time when I started asking questions about some other male friends. Anyway, long story short some exs were still regularly texting and attempting to see her and she said it was nothing and I trusted that for a time. After certain things were far to hard to not question I came to find that she had seen at least one for a weekend and I snapped. I was very angry and after dealing with all of her issues, paying for all of our trips, extending my home and anything she wanted I was betrayed or at least thought so, because she ran out on our argument and we only got into a very nasty text war and have never talked or seen each other in 12 months. I found out from her friends a common pattern and she is also a mental health professional who claimed her mom had BPD. Anyway, my research afterwards and talks with a therapist indicted that she may have BPD or at a minimum extremely manipulative. She immediately had someone that lasted 6 months and then another, and now on a third. In the meantime, I started dating a really nice woman whom I care for, but I am also stuck in feeling really badly about my outbursts and texts during the breakup and maybe I did overreact. I try and reach out to her, but for the most part she never returns my calls, texts, cards etc. Just trying to get closure and tell her I'm sorry for adding to the mess her life has been. Thanks.

[steelwork]

Hi, Brinn--and welcome. If you ever feel like wasting some time, you can scroll through my posts and see that I too struggle with a lack of closure. Heck, most of us do. "You need to give yourself closure... ." you'll hear that over and over, and it has a ring of truth, but it's hard to wrap your head around. If you hang around the board for a while, you'll notice that attempts at getting closure from your ex are met with mixed results, and sometimes people end up feeling worse for the effort.

Sounds like you're dealing with regrets as well. I get that, too. If you could have that "closure" conversation with her, what would you say? Sometimes it helps to write a letter, just for yourself. You will probably learn more about your feelings in the process. Sometimes people post letters here instead of sending them. This is a safe place to do so if you want to.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hi and that I can definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote.

[gotbushels]

Hi Brinn 

Thank you for sharing this.

I'm getting the feeling that you have some regret or perhaps remorse over how the ending of the previous relationship played out. I think that's quite normal.

How she treated me didn't seem to jibe with all these crisises. She appeared for the most part to be honest, loving, caring and trying her best to maintain these external relationships, however, when I would want to engage, meet, help these situations I was cast aside, she would handle all these difficult issues.

Behaviour that seems to conflict is quite normal even outside of BP persons.

Anyway, I was extremely vulnerable as I moved to a new place, no family, new job, new friends etc. and she was there for me.  Then she went silent and at an odd time when I started asking questions about some other male friends.

I think this is a good identification. Thank you for sharing. Vulnerability leaves a person somewhat unusually open to unusual behaviour.

In the meantime, I started dating a really nice woman whom I care for, but I am also stuck in feeling really badly about my outbursts and texts during the breakup and maybe I did overreact. I try and reach out to her, but for the most part she never returns my calls, texts, cards etc. Just trying to get closure and tell her I'm sorry for adding to the mess her life has been. Thanks.

I'm glad you've found a relationship and it would be in both your interests to resolve this, so I think it's good you are seeking an answer. Yet, I could find it difficult to be with a partner who was dealing with unresolved thoughts from a previous relationship.

For your new partner, I would feel she would need to give you the same kind of trust you were giving the u(possible)pwBPD. While you're not that woman, I gently want to draw your attention to how you felt giving this trust to the u(possible)pwBPD, and the pain you felt when your expectations weren't met.

Anyway, long story short some exs were still regularly texting and attempting to see her and she said it was nothing and I trusted that for a time. After certain things were far to hard to not question I came to find that she had seen at least one for a weekend and I snapped. I was very angry and after dealing with all of her issues, paying for all of our trips, extending my home and anything she wanted I was betrayed or at least thought so, because she ran out on our argument and we only got into a very nasty text war and have never talked or seen each other in 12 months.

Gently imagine as though your partner was trying to reach her ex with calls, texts, cards etc. How would you feel? What else can you do with that energy?

I encourage you to look forward to easing your troubles. Enjoy your weekend. I look forward to hearing more:)




This sites acronyms can be found here.

Consider having a look at "How we heal ourselves: The Five Stages of Detachment, Acknowledgment" this area of that post seems like it would be useful to you. The stages of healing around a breakup are here.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Brinn

Welcome to the family.

AS steelwork said, it sounds like you have some regrets and possibly let your actions extend beyond the comfort of your boundaries.  Closure may not come from her, it may come in understanding why we responded the ways we did. 

Do you have a sense of why you were so kind to her, beyond your own position of being in a new location?  Sounds like you were aware of her instability but perhaps were trying to care take her in some way?

JRB

[Brinn]

Thanks Got bushels very insightful.i appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, I did share a lot with my current gf including the contacting of my BPD ex so she could understand why I get stuck sometimes. It is a conundrum to me as to how in the world I could have any positive loving feeling towards someone who hurt me, however I do and try and deal with them. My BPD ex I think has either just discarded me into the trash heap of the multiple destroyed relationships in her life or is so ashamed of her behavior that she can not have an adult conversation and leave it at that. I always observed her using the flight reflex instead of fighting for what was right or sticking it out when difficulties arose. Thanks

[Fr4nz]

Thanks Got bushels very insightful.i appreciate the thoughts and suggestions, I did share a lot with my current gf including the contacting of my BPD ex so she could understand why I get stuck sometimes. It is a conundrum to me as to how in the world I could have any positive loving feeling towards someone who hurt me, however I do and try and deal with them. My BPD ex I think has either just discarded me into the trash heap of the multiple destroyed relationships in her life or is so ashamed of her behavior that she can not have an adult conversation and leave it at that. I always observed her using the flight reflex instead of fighting for what was right or sticking it out when difficulties arose. Thanks

Very possibly; BPDs cannot manage shame -- as they would see themselves as "all bad", so they have to paint their ex SO as "black" to justify their actions.

That's also why BPDs often discard partners and move on so easily and quickly.

[Brinn]

As to your question JRB, I think my attempts to be nice included sending her a book on mindfulness and info on DBT THERAPY and she was not responding to her medication (klonopin) nor therapy as the same stuff over and over from what her friend told me. She is a mental health professional MSW and is very good with the high school kids under her care. I got so frustrated and angry at different points that I would explain to her (all by text) as she cannot handle any conflict in person, so these "discussions" would degrade into her projecting and gas lighting and I think intellectually I was burning a bridge to someone that hurt me deeply. I had never experience this before or/since and I then felt extremely bad for my behavior or text words that were hurtful. So I did care and wanted to help, I was counseled that I could probably never get through to her until she accepted me back into her trust, but I guess I just want to reconcile and show I do care. Thx.

[gotbushels]

I did share a lot with my current gf including the contacting of my BPD ex so she could understand why I get stuck sometimes. It is a conundrum to me as to how in the world I could have any positive loving feeling towards someone who hurt me, however I do and try and deal with them.

Good to hear:) It's good that you are having a discussion within yourself and with your partner about understanding. I wish you well on this discussion and I hope it resolves for you.

It is puzzling sometimes to have positive feelings toward the BP and dealing with them isn't always easy. BPs can hurt us greatly yet somehow we may keep having some draw toward them.

My BPD ex I think has either just discarded me into the trash heap of the multiple destroyed relationships in her life or is so ashamed of her behavior that she can not have an adult conversation and leave it at that.

Yes, you did separate. Yes, BPs may have many relationships beyond the one(s) we can see. There are many stories here trying to figure out how many relationships there were for a BP. It can be somewhat entertaining but isn't very productive as you can imagine:) Better not to hypothesise too much. I'm glad you and I can have more "adult" conversations--and we can leave them where they are.

I always observed her using the flight reflex instead of fighting for what was right or sticking it out when difficulties arose.

Yes and no:) Could be a blessing or a curse. Example: We know JADE is a bad idea for us. We know to Defend ourselves can escalate dysregulation. What happens if a non uses a continuous string of Defend-Defend-Defend? Studies have shown anger can last beyond one or two hours. Fortunate are we whom aren't subjects to this simple but unfortunate combination.




Something that helped me was to find a story or two which was something of what I thought was an "extreme" of what I didn't want. Patterns of behaviours. This sometimes involved people volunteering their divorce situations to me. One or two in particular are as memorable to me during healing as the statement of, "I don't want to be with her," itself. Some may involve people directly telling me something like "Gb, I am in this situation. I love her for such and such reasons. There is no way in hell I would put myself through this if I was where you are now. Please think about this." This may help some people not even need closure. Gifts.

Take care:)

[Lilyroze]

I had never experience this before or/since and I then felt extremely bad for my behavior or text words that were hurtful. So I did care and wanted to help, I was counseled that I could probably never get through to her until she accepted me back into her trust, but I guess I just want to reconcile and show I do care. Thx.

Brinn,

Closure is hard, especially if they won't reach out and give silent treatment etc. I would like to share some wise words shared with me once.

The only person you want to be better then is the person you were yesterday. Being the bigger person is the role many of us had to take on. I truly don't think it is a waste of energy to try to give love, insight, and respect one more time. It is putting your ego aside long enough, which many have a hard time doing to send love, blessings and a healing touch one last time to another who was in our lives. They might not be able to accept the words right now, but in time. You never know the kind words you leave another with, might be the ones that impact them the most.

Now having said that I do believe there is some really dysfunctional situations and BPD's that can't or won't stop hurting themselves and others till they hit rock bottom.

In your situation you were a good person, helping, and giving support to a friend or more. If she was going through such a hard time, it was probably really hard for her to deal with all at once.

So you know what for peace of mind for you, her and your new relationship do what is in your heart. Feel free to send one last heartfelt or if you already did, then great. Know then in your heart you did the best you could, tried and loved right up till the end. Later when you think back, did I do all I could for this person, situation and relationship? You can honestly answer to your self, yes.

I say this as maybe those in her life never have said sorry first, or I took responsibility for their actions. You having done this is great. Shows her there is a way to end things gracefully, or with respect, or care. There doesn't have to be the painting black, hate, or drama closures. Now we can't help if they do that, nor when they do, or worse silent treatment. But when can show there is another path, they might not take it with you. But your way might show them how to better handle in future.

See so many concentrate on the wrongs of the ex of BPD person, believe me I have too. I have been through the wringer. But that doesn't excuse us when they push every button. Meaning we still have to have our core values, respect for ourselves and others, and believe. Believe in the higher power of doing the right. So you felt you did wrong when pushed. So apologizing and empathy did need to be given, you gave that. 

Truly in order to go forward in your new, you really need to finish closure in old. If she can't give to you, you can to yourself. If your heart is telling you to send another Mea Culpa, then do it. Then be in peace on your journey.