Wrong reason to file for divorce?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was thinking this morning about why I filed and why I feel so guilty for filing for divorce from my stbxwife w/BPD.  A large motivating factor behind me filing was to convey to my wife how serious our situation was.  Because it seemed, during every conversation, that she simply didn't grasp the fact that if she didn't change her behavior our marriage wasn't going to work.  It was so frustrating talking to her. It was like she was in another dimension and I couldn't get through to her.

So I thought, if I file, she'll finally understand the magnitude of our problems.  But she didn't and the divorce is proceeding forward and now I feel guilty.  I feel more conflicted than anything else. 

Can someone help me sort through these feelings?

[Wize]

I was thinking this morning about why I filed and why I feel so guilty for filing for divorce from my stbxwife w/BPD.  A large motivating factor behind me filing was to convey to my wife how serious our situation was.  Because it seemed, during every conversation, that she simply didn't grasp the fact that if she didn't change her behavior our marriage wasn't going to work.  It was so frustrating talking to her. It was like she was in another dimension and I couldn't get through to her.

So I thought, if I file, she'll finally understand the magnitude of our problems.  But she didn't and the divorce is proceeding forward and now I feel guilty.  I feel more conflicted than anything else. 

Can someone help me sort through these feelings?

[C.Stein]

I can understand feeling guilt.  I have felt a lot of guilt for giving up on my ex and it has been very hard for me to come to terms with that guilt.  The thing is I did the best I could under the circumstances I was facing at the time.  Could I have done more, sure I could have but at what cost to me?  It is natural to second guess decisions we make.  In a relationship with a borderline that tendency to second guess is even more poignant.  Be it due to codependent tendencies or the FOG, you will end up second guessing almost every decision you made, conscious or not, that led you to this point.  The what ifs will eat you alive if you let them.  Each time you find yourself asking that question flip it around ... . what if I didn't do what I did.

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself.  You did what you needed to do.  You did what you could and you set a realistic boundary.  You are not responsible for the choices your wife made.  Did you make the right decision?  Only you can answer that but keep in mind you made the only decision that you saw available to you at the time.