Does your ex post things that contradict the BPD way of thinking?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

[vortex of confusion]

My ex can say and post all sorts of insightful things. He is actually a very intelligent guy. The problem is that he can spout off all sorts of stuff without actually living it. That is why it is so important to pay attention to actions instead of words. I would think that he had all kinds of insights based on the stuff he was saying. I would think that I had to be the one messed up in the head because I didn't always have the words to say what I wanted/needed to say. It wasn't until I started ignoring the words and paid more attention to the actions that things started making more sense.

[Meili]

I have no idea what my x posts. I have her blocked on social media so that I can't see any of it.  

If I can't see it, I can't react to it. Besides, my future is about me, not her, so it doesn't really matter what she says.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex can say and post all sorts of insightful things. He is actually a very intelligent guy. The problem is that he can spout off all sorts of stuff without actually living it. That is why it is so important to pay attention to actions instead of words. I would think that he had all kinds of insights based on the stuff he was saying. I would think that I had to be the one messed up in the head because I didn't always have the words to say what I wanted/needed to say. It wasn't until I started ignoring the words and paid more attention to the actions that things started making more sense.

Ok thank you I needed to read this. This problem had me up worrying all night last night as if I truly screwed up the relationship. I know I had my part in the failure but she kindve pushed it over the edge to the point of no return.

[seenr]

I am exactly the same. I used different apps to the ones she used, so I didn't know what she posted anyway. But now I just don't care really.

When we were together, she fell out with her best friend. They began to put things up on facebook for each other's benefit. I kept thinking 'she is 37 & her friend is 39 and they are here writing messages for each other's benefit on facebook?' Eventually her friend got sense and asked to meet and there was no more facebook nonsense.

My ex would come across as extremely intelligent in a group setting. It is getting to know her behind closed doors was the problem.

I have no idea what my x posts. I have her blocked on social media so that I can't see any of it. If I can't see it, I can't react to it. Besides, my future is about me, not her, so it doesn't really matter what she says.

[vortex of confusion]

Ok thank you I needed to read this. This problem had me up worrying all night last night as if I truly screwed up the relationship. I know I had my part in the failure but she kindve pushed it over the edge to the point of no return.

Is there a reason that you are still on social media with her? Once I reached a certain point, I blocked him. I could no longer see his holier than thou posts without tying myself in knots. I could no longer watch these other chicks like and comment on his stuff.

Relationships take work. They take two people working together, not against each other. I still find myself thinking from time to time that I could have made things work if I could have continued to deny my needs. I had to not only accept him for who he is but I had to accept myself and my own needs. At the end of the day, my needs are not compatible with what he is willing or able to put into a relationship.

[SoMadSoSad]

Ok thank you I needed to read this. This problem had me up worrying all night last night as if I truly screwed up the relationship. I know I had my part in the failure but she kindve pushed it over the edge to the point of no return.

Is there a reason that you are still on social media with her? Once I reached a certain point, I blocked him. I could no longer see his holier than thou posts without tying myself in knots. I could no longer watch these other chicks like and comment on his stuff.

Relationships take work. They take two people working together, not against each other. I still find myself thinking from time to time that I could have made things work if I could have continued to deny my needs. I had to not only accept him for who he is but I had to accept myself and my own needs. At the end of the day, my needs are not compatible with what he is willing or able to put into a relationship.

I still believe I let a good one get away. I know I could've offered more love and affection to her. I just feel like we met at the wrong time as I am in a stressful situation working two jobs trying to make ends meet and needing to move out of my parents place. I would shutdown in the relationship a lot because I would always be tired and the added stress of arguing over simple things got to be too much. Now that I've learned about BPD I see the reason she did things and that I handled them poorly. I just wish I would've known about BPD during the relationship.

[Meili]

I just wish I would've known about BPD during the relationship.

What do you think would have changed?

I have these very same types of thoughts btw. I look back and see what I could have done differently. The reality is that I couldn't have done anything differently, and even if I had, the outcome would have been the same. My needs would have still gone unmet. That's the reality that we find ourselves in. Sure, we could have done more or done things differently, but that doesn't change what the other person did or didn't do.

[vortex of confusion]

I still believe I let a good one get away. I know I could've offered more love and affection to her.

I used to think that too. I thought that I could somehow figure out how to love him the way he needed to be loved. The problem is that it seemed like he was a black hole and I was supposed to somehow fill it for him. I went to places that were very, very unhealthy to try to satisfy him and his needs. It didn't work. He still didn't seem happy and I felt horrible because I had started to completely lose myself. I stuck with it for 17 years.

I would shutdown in the relationship a lot because I would always be tired and the added stress of arguing over simple things got to be too much. Now that I've learned about BPD I see the reason she did things and that I handled them poorly. I just wish I would've known about BPD during the relationship.

What do you think you could have done differently if you had known about BPD?

I was on the staying forum for quite a while. I was trying to figure out how to make things work. My experience was that I couldn't set boundaries without making things worse. One of the first things that a lot of the forums say is, "Stop making things worse."

I was tired a lot too. I work two jobs and am a stay at home mom. I didn't want to fight but I also didn't want to be ignored until he saw fit to give me attention. Scratch that, it was more like he ignored me until HE wanted attention. There are days when I wanted to get dressed up and go out on a date and just be with my husband. That seemed to be too much for him. Even something that was supposed to be fun and relaxing would turn into some kind of push/pull weirdness.

My days were spent up to my eyeballs in kid care, home care, and my work. I handled a lot of things poorly during the relationship. I continue to screw up during the break up. Knowing about BPD doesn't erase the exhaustion. Knowing about BPD doesn't erase my needs. Knowing about BPD and having all of the wonderful tools provided by this site does not erase my humanity.

[steelwork]

I still believe I let a good one get away. I know I could've offered more love and affection to her. I just feel like we met at the wrong time as I am in a stressful situation working two jobs trying to make ends meet and needing to move out of my parents place. I would shutdown in the relationship a lot because I would always be tired and the added stress of arguing over simple things got to be too much. Now that I've learned about BPD I see the reason she did things and that I handled them poorly. I just wish I would've known about BPD during the relationship.

I know this song. I sometimes feel this way myself, even though it's obvious that the relationship would have eventually taken way way way more work than I realized when I was in it. Even after sifting through all the crazy things he said and did, I still come up with the also-true fact that he was and is a good one, and I let him get away. I think there were so many stressors on our r/s that I brought out the abandonment fears in him and made him way more unstable than he might have been if I'd been in a better place myself.

My head does the math over and over:

Either his problems really are that terrible, and the love I thought we had was never going to last anyhow, or I was exacerbating his emotional problems and could have had a better chance of going the distance if I'd taken care of my issues and done X to make him feel better... .

Around and around.

And I always come back to this: he can't handle conflicts. He faked his way through the last part of our relationship, hiding his anger, maybe because he was afraid I'd abandon him if he showed it. I could look at it like, "Tragic that I didn't know, or I would have had a chance to try to fix things before they were broken beyond repair," but that still leaves me with this truth: When it was safe to do so, he exploded on me and treated me with cruelty. He's an adult with a long history of handling his anger that way. Relationships have conflicts. It's built in. This would have happened eventually, one way or another.

What I mean is: okay, maybe your ex is a good one, and you let the good one get away, SoMadSoSad. Maybe timing sucks. But this is where it's really true that "if you were meant to be together, you would be." Because a solution would have been found. You have to examine the reasons it wasn't found. What you will come up with is the reasons you aren't together. That's all you can do.

I hope that helps and isn't gibberish.

[seenr]

Hi Vortex

Your posts are very good as they offer a different slant on things. I think you are being a little hard on yourself though. Since being here, I have wondered is it fair for me to say my ex had or has BPD and were we just too different? Like you, she was a stay at home Mum. She would say things like you said below about not being ignored and wanting to go on a date. The thing for me was any time we were due to go out, it seemed like my ex would create drama, v me or her daughter. We were due to go out one night in January for example and suddenly she accused me of 'spoiling her night' even though I was looking forward to going out too. Then she would lock herself in our room and emerge at 11PM saying I'd ruined everything. When we did go out, she claimed I ruined the night as in one bar I couldn't get the barman to serve me so suggested we go elsewhere. Then in another bar, a drunk guy walked into me & spilled both our drinks. I went to my ex & said nothing and she said to me 'I can feel the anger dripping off you'. I wasn't angry - just a bit unimpressed by the guy's dancing. So as I sat there trying to enjoy the night, I got frustrated as she told me I was feeling something I wasn't.

To make up for that night, I had to whisk her away on a weekend break to another city. Same dynamic. Just about to leave the house and grab a taxi and she caused a big drama with her daughter. Her daughter asked a simple question and because she looked down at the wrong time, my ex chased her out of the room into her bedroom and started raging at her. I was thinking 'this can't be happening now' but she kept on at the girl until she got a reaction - the teenager slammed the door. Then it was 'we can't leave her looking after our son like this' and a phone call was made to the child's Grandmother to come and mind them both. I was simply flabbergasted by this.

The difference between your post and my ex is that you are simply looking for some care & attention, not creating drama. And you know like you suggest, I know I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship, but I think in healthy relationships there is acceptance, love, tolerance and the ability to get on & have fun.

My ex frequently complained about tiredness, cabin fever etc, but despite me working in a place 2 hours drive from her house, I felt it my duty to help with all these activities as soon as I was home, so I'd take our son for a walk or give him a bath, clean the kitchen and other rooms if possible and then I'd wait up until sometimes 1AM to talk to her and see how her day went, have a glass of wine together. I know she might have met very few people that day so I felt it only fair to try to have fun. But that then meant I was getting 5 hours sleep a night and was draining myself.

The point I'm making is your post is both admitting fault but also expressing frustration and I like the honesty. We could all come on here saying it was the other person's fault and while I think my ex has BPD, it doesn't change the fact that I loved her, love her and wanted to be with her more than anything. I overlooked her behaviour, but I also made mistakes that she is possibly very unhappy about now that we have split. It is never one person's fault and even the most flawed people produce moments that inspire great memories and make themselves a magnet to others.

Hope your days with your family are easing now. I know how tough it is. Kids need care, time & attention.

[gotbushels]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

Yes that my ex was active on social media and posted all that sort of stuff. Did it for years before me too. Watching it over time gave me information and experience about how reality can be quite different to appearance 

There's a way you can make it "fit" the pathology, but it's not really effective to go that way.

Reading your conversation with VOC, it's not immediately clear to me why it's a problem--mind sharing a bit more about your reasoning?

[gotbushels]

The reality is that I couldn't have done anything differently

Yes, it's thought that it's a convenience of time, place, and person sometimes. I can't recall it being published though. I feel the same way in this respect. If I met her 1 year or 2 years later I think the outcome might have been different for me.

Knowing what you know now, considering the choice to pursue her Meili, would you do that same pursuit today? Any answer is fine no worries:) I'm just seeing if there is something that might be helpful to you here.

[FallBack!Monster]

I still believe I let a good one get away. I know I could've offered more love and affection to her. I just feel like we met at the wrong time as I am in a stressful situation working two jobs trying to make ends meet and needing to move out of my parents place. I would shutdown in the relationship a lot because I would always be tired and the added stress of arguing over simple things got to be too much. Now that I've learned about BPD I see the reason she did things and that I handled them poorly. I just wish I would've known about BPD during the relationship.

I know this song. I sometimes feel this way myself, even though it's obvious that the relationship would have eventually taken way way way more work than I realized when I was in it. Even after sifting through all the crazy things he said and did, I still come up with the also-true fact that he was and is a good one, and I let him get away. I think there were so many stressors on our r/s that I brought out the abandonment fears in him and made him way more unstable than he might have been if I'd been in a better place myself.

My head does the math over and over:

Either his problems really are that terrible, and the love I thought we had was never going to last anyhow, or I was exacerbating his emotional problems and could have had a better chance of going the distance if I'd taken care of my issues and done X to make him feel better... .

Around and around.

And I always come back to this: he can't handle conflicts. He faked his way through the last part of our relationship, hiding his anger, maybe because he was afraid I'd abandon him if he showed it. I could look at it like, "Tragic that I didn't know, or I would have had a chance to try to fix things before they were broken beyond repair," but that still leaves me with this truth: When it was safe to do so, he exploded on me and treated me with cruelty. He's an adult with a long history of handling his anger that way. Relationships have conflicts. It's built in. This would have happened eventually, one way or another.

What I mean is: okay, maybe your ex is a good one, and you let the good one get away, SoMadSoSad. Maybe timing sucks. But this is where it's really true that "if you were meant to be together, you would be." Because a solution would have been found. You have to examine the reasons it wasn't found. What you will come up with is the reasons you aren't together. That's all you can do.

I hope that helps and isn't gibberish.

I never knew anything about my exs postings. I guess when she got bored she blocked me from seeing anything on her social media.  A friend use to try to update me but I told her I wasn't interested.  It had nothing to do with me, her, or our r/s.

Before I knew I was history to her, I use to try and visit her social media from time to time, until one day I realized she had me restricted.

Once she found another source of supply, she stopped replying to me in every way possible.  At first it was hurtful because of how much she seem to like communicating with me in the past, but then I realized that never had anything to do with me, or us.  She was never connecting with me.

Actually being blocked from her social media didn't hurt me at all.  It did me more good than bad.  I stopped being curious about how she felt about me.  It hurt less not to see her life, thoughts, feelings and emotions, only  revolved around one individual... .it wasn't her and it wasn't me.  No need for me to browse. I wished at one point that it did but now... .the evidence is in their actions not their words.

[vortex of confusion]

The difference between your post and my ex is that you are simply looking for some care & attention, not creating drama. And you know like you suggest, I know I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship, but I think in healthy relationships there is acceptance, love, tolerance and the ability to get on & have fun.

This made me laugh. I would love to say that I didn't create any drama. I absolutely did create drama. From ex's perspective, he saw my attempts to reach out to him as creating drama. I tried the normal means of trying to talk to him and tell him what was going on with me. When he would dismiss me, ignore me, and act like I hadn't said anything at all, I would get mad. I would create drama because that is what seemed to get his attention. I would try to tell him my perspective and he would talk over me or gaslight me into thinking that I was making mountains out of molehills. When I tell people some of the things that have transpired between us and the things that he has done, people look at me like I am crazy for NOT making more of a stink over some of the stuff that happened. I was accepting and tolerating way too much. One of my friends picks on me about having the bar set so low that he could have tripped over it.

My ex frequently complained about tiredness, cabin fever etc, but despite me working in a place 2 hours drive from her house, I felt it my duty to help with all these activities as soon as I was home, so I'd take our son for a walk or give him a bath, clean the kitchen and other rooms if possible and then I'd wait up until sometimes 1AM to talk to her and see how her day went, have a glass of wine together. I know she might have met very few people that day so I felt it only fair to try to have fun. But that then meant I was getting 5 hours sleep a night and was draining myself.

Nope, he didn't give me that much. I did the bathing and cleaning and keeping the kids entertained so HE could relax after being gone at work all day. I would put the kids to bed and he would sleep. He wouldn't wait up for me. If he woke up to go to the bathroom, he wouldn't even come wake me up so I could sleep in bed with him. I would end up sleeping on the floor in the kids room because I would fall asleep while putting them to bed. When I would wake up and try to crawl in bed and snuggle with him or be intimate with him, he would push me away or be uninterested.

Hope your days with your family are easing now. I know how tough it is. Kids need care, time & attention.

Things are much better without him in the house. It is sometimes a struggle to keep up with 4 kids. Without him here, I am able to get the kids to step up a bit more. And, things aren't as anxious because he isn't here being a naysayer.

[Lilyroze]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wish you peace and healing on your journey.

Please excuse the intrusion, if this helps someone on here great, if not as the saying always goes use what helps you throw out the rest. I know most of us healing or researching resonate to some posts and not to others.

A gentle reminder that many are doing the best they can where they are at, many come here and read a few things think their ex's were borderline declare it so and off they go.

Not saying they were or weren't but from what I see at times, many are dealing with socio paths, BPD, and some just need better communications and respect in their relationships on both ends.

Just an observation, respect and communication can usually work through most problems, with nons if people used, BPD another story as you all know.

If not and a non or caring individual they are trying to deal with life best they can and try to uplift themselves and others with quotes, self soothe and do the proper way of gratitude everyday.

Meaning my UNbpex to be would tell you the drama I caused him, but drama to him was telling him like an accountant would or bank no there is not money for that. I kept us debt free, never lack of needs and most wants we could afford while he was sick. But was I creating drama or just saying what was realistic? I was being realistic, I could then go on with my day in a healthy way. Hurt? Yes... .He raged, screamed, made scenes, then other times seemed the perfect motivational person to some at work. Go figure. He could never hold it together long though.

Many BPD's make scenes to wreck us and can't understand how we don't like drama and can go on and be kind to others. He could do that but then I  could go on and be pleasant to my kids, my family, my co workers, social media of course. I never want to impose my problems on another, just because the person I was with was a jerk.

Having said that many push buttons of people and are surprised we can still be cordial to everyone else, that is who we are. They are not, so their anger projects or they need to copy as they don't know how to act. So if they are sincere and doing quotes, good for them, they are trying to move on in healthy way. Learning etc. If not they are projecting or doing the usual BPD of pretending to live. As sad as that is there is nothing you or I can do to change that. We can now look for the flags, and be healthy enough with our boundaries that we only attract back that love, respect and honor we so want.

I love people who can respect, honor and do  self introspection. None of us are perfect, that is part of the journey. Always trying to be better then you were the day before.

Sad thing with many BPD's is the self introspection, learning is just not there, so quotes to them in many cases are just to get attention and not to treasure the wisdom.

[seenr]

I love people who can respect, honor and do  self introspection. None of us are perfect, that is part of the journey. Always trying to be better then you were the day before. Sad thing with many BPD's is the self introspection, learning is just not there, so quotes to them in many cases are just to get attention and not to treasure the wisdom.

One thing I have learned is to not post on Social Media at all. I used my twitter account to keep up with sports teams, had some contact from friends on it & often posted out of boredom. My ex often monitored what I posted and complained about a lot of things. Stupidly, I did post things for her benefit at times, but I realise how childish and stupid that was/is. So now, my only posts are when someone directly contacts me. I have realised that the main thing is who I am and what I think of me, and social media doesn't make me a better person, so I just use it to catch up with news etc.

Quotes don't mean a lot anyway - you can try to post quotes that make you look good, but displaying the meaning of the quote through your actions is far better. Just my 2c :-)

[gotbushels]

displaying the meaning of the quote through your actions is far better. Just my 2c :-)

Agreed:)

Stupidly, I did post things for her benefit at times, but I realise how childish and stupid that was/is.

Perhaps it might seem silly at times but I do know some healthy couples and friends that post to each other. Those things that the other person might find useful:)

[seenr]

Perhaps it might seem silly at times but I do know some healthy couples and friends that post to each other. Those things that the other person might find useful:)

Sorry gotbushels,

What I meant was when we were apart I posted things that she could pick up on that I wanted her back and when we she ended it I posted things that were could be interpreted as not nice about her.

This time around - nothing. My Social Media account is empty, I have only posted when others have directly messaged me. I have learned a lesson that the posting for someone else's benefit, good or bad, is of no use. It hasn't (for me anyway) changed the outcome of the BPD relationship which is like falling off a cliff. This time I'm keeping my hurt to myself, my counsellor & the good folks here :-)

[Moselle]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

Like others have said. They know what they need to do. Just not how to do it.

Its also part of my ex's facade. If she's posting these things and telling everyone how happy she is, she looks like the normal one and therefore I am the crazy one. Because there is certainly lots of crazy.

She regularly tells me "You know me - I am always happy"

It's part of the crazy making to appear normal, when inside they are having a nightmare.

Mine if very highly functioning BTW

[Leonis]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

My ex doesn't post these sorts of stuff on social media, but things like those have definitely been communicated through texts, etc. I felt like those were projections.

[HoneyB33]

My ex totally posted this stuff all over FB (this is before I stopped looking). It totally made me question if somehow she was this worthwhile person, and I had just 'missed it'. Maybe she was more sane and "good" than I realized? Maybe I was SO selfish, and SO absorbed in my issues, that I had totally missed out? Nope. This is all apart of their game. Trying to flip the script. My ex was totally trying to act like she was me, and I was her. Don't buy into it.

My ex literally even started quoting me. Things I had said when we dated! And all her dumb friends would swoon in and say, "Wow, wise beyond your years." Barf. It's all just an image. Someone they are trying desperately to be, but aren't. She was so delusional, I think she literally thought it came from her!

I totally understand how that makes you question your reality, but you're not off. They post this stuff because it is their attempts of lying to themselves. It's like drawing a tree on cardboard and sticking it up. There is nothing real to it. But she's walking around fairy land thinking she's Willy Wonka. It's all fake. Kind of like a play. It's all cut outs, built sets, and scripted lines. But it's all acting in the end.

[Lilyroze]

My ex totally posted this stuff all over FB (this is before I stopped looking). It totally made me question if somehow she was this worthwhile person, and I had just 'missed it'. Maybe she was more sane and "good" than I realized? Maybe I was SO selfish, and SO absorbed in my issues, that I had totally missed out? Nope. This is all apart of their game. Trying to flip the script. My ex was totally trying to act like she was me, and I was her. Don't buy into it.

My ex literally even started quoting me. Things I had said when we dated! And all her dumb friends would swoon in and say, "Wow, wise beyond your years." Barf. It's all just an image. Someone they are trying desperately to be, but aren't. She was so delusional, I think she literally thought it came from her!



I totally understand how that makes you question your reality, but you're not off. They post this stuff because it is their attempts of lying to themselves. It's like drawing a tree on cardboard and sticking it up. There is nothing real to it. But she's walking around fairy land thinking she's Willy Wonka. It's all fake. Kind of like a play. It's all cut outs, built sets, and scripted lines. But it's all acting in the end.

Yes this post is spot on.

To clarify mine I meant when they use quotes none of it means anything. Love is an action verb. It means keeping your word, be honest and true. They can't or won't do that. They discard as if you were a toy or box of candy

[Turkish]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

What's the BPD way of thinking?

To me, the over use of posts like that do signal something.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

What's the BPD way of thinking?

To me, the over use of posts like that do signal something.

When I think of BPD I think of little to no self worth and always playing the victim. Am I wrong about that information?

[once removed]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

What's the BPD way of thinking?

To me, the over use of posts like that do signal something.

When I think of BPD I think of little to no self worth and always playing the victim. Am I wrong about that information?

no. but always playing the victim is generally not a conscious act. its a belief system that revolves around denial. over using inspirational quotes and memes that seem contradictory to how a person lives their life can fit into that line of thinking, but its also pretty common in general.

[woundedPhoenix]

My ex posts quotes like "don't always be the victim" or "know your self worth" etc which makes me believe that she may not be BPD. Does anyone else have this problem?

my BPD ex often speaks and posts in internet quote style. So she read something and just copycats that or bends it to her will. But rarely is there original thinking involved. In a way she mirrors the language from others, and contradicts herself in every way.

Sends memes around that underscore her great empathy and understanding nature. But those who ever came close enough know better :-)

Its all part of the mask, and the internet is the greatest place to wear a mask.