What do you do when you feel the urge to be back with the ex?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I was wondering what works best for you when you get that horrible erge to be back together with the BPDex.

For me:

Councelor, Any healthy guy would walk or run from your ex after 10 minutes with her.

Sponsor, Jerry, do you realize how sick you had to be to be with your ex?

Sponsor, I'm surprised that your surprised, she's FN nuts!

Doctor, No one can understand the things she does, stop trying to figure her out.

Her mother, (ex) She's not like the rest of us, there's something wrong with her.

Friends, She's crazy and we did our best to show you but you wouldn't listen.

Doctor, She hurts people, it's just her nature, she will never change.

Hope some of these help, I keep going back to these and I have a bunch more I will share later.

Have a good day and keep on getting well!

[seenr]

I've had all of those Jerry.

And have still gone back. I honestly think the BPD/NPD person can seek out & ignite chemicals within us that nobody else can. I've tried to explain it to others that being with her is so different than any other lady. And Still people scratch their heads, see my elation when I got with her, urge caution and then are there for me when the inevitable fall happens. Each time the fall happens they are there less.

The one over-riding thought lately is my Dad. He is not that much of a talker, is a deep man and recently had a word with me. 'I'll be very disappointed if you go back to her' he said. 'It is really affecting me'.

Those words are what I think of every time I feel like talking to her. My relationship with my Dad has been 50/50 all my life, give & take. With myex it was 90/10 give, give, give, get little or nothing back.

One person deserves good treatment and it needs to be my Dad/family. She has said horrible things about them, they don't say a lot about her.

[Moselle]

Jerry, Its normal in these parts to recycle a number of times.

There will come a time and a moment when you know definitively either way. You will know that moment of no return when it arrives.

[myself]

Those are all good things to reflect on, but are also things other people told you (from the outside looking in). What are the things you tell yourself, saw with your own eyes, etc? Those will be the most important items on your list. For me it was my ex's lack of honesty, self control, respect... .The strange dark crazy episodes... .The ways she intentionally hurt me, the many times she disappeared right when it was seemingly so good between us... .The times she changed her stories, rewrote history... .The fact that she doesn't seek real help for herself... .That no matter what we shared, how attracted to each other or whatever, it just doesn't work for us. I've already tried every angle there is, why keep running painfully in place when walking away is ultimately more peaceful?

[Wize]

The logic I use?  That she can't love me the way I need to be loved.  That she can't give me what I need.  That she can't be the strong, dependable, loyal wife needed to make a marriage work.  She's broken, she's weak, she's shallow, she's mean, she's abusive, she's arrogant, she's sick, she's self-absorbed.  She's a predator and she uses people to feed on.  We aren't really people to my wife, we're just objects that serve a very specific, limited purpose.  When our usefulness runs out, we're discarded or pushed away.  But I love her.  Go figure.   

[Raspberry]

As he gets back in touch I REALLY NEEDED to see th I tonight! Telling myself I am not reply ing tonight by I'll wait for tomorrow, then tomorrow I will tell myself the same thing!  Try ing to preserve my last ounce of self esteem x

[Mars22]

The logic I use?  That she can't love me the way I need to be loved.  That she can't give me what I need.  That she can't be the strong, dependable, loyal wife needed to make a marriage work.  She's broken, she's weak, she's shallow, she's mean, she's abusive, she's arrogant, she's sick, she's self-absorbed.  She's a predator and she uses people to feed on.  We aren't really people to my wife, we're just objects that serve a very specific, limited purpose.  When our usefulness runs out, we're discarded or pushed away.  But I love her.  Go figure.    

Yes. this is exactly what I tell myself too... Its absurd how they treated us like crap and we still have this draw towards thinking they somehow worth our precious time. Logically I know in the long term that it would have faltered sooner or later but, its these dang emotions that I struggle with.

Logically I'm finding now as time is passing, I'm able to direct my rumination and actually spend more time thinking more logically, rather then emotionally. I'm working towards the day when my logic will ultimately over power my emotions on all the issues.

[JerryRG]

I agree myself

The one thing that comes from me is if pwBPD truly mirror us and in their eyes we are so wonderful, shouldn't we accept that maybe they are right? Are we not some of the most giving, caring, loving people? I know I'm codependent but this is not all bad, I did help my exgf in so many ways.

I believe most of us are pretty good people and I'm sure talented and gifted in many many ways. I choose to view myself as a good and decent person, I just trust and give too much.

[seenr]

I'm having a bad day of it today :-)

I woke up anxious today & am longing to be back with her, all day. I had a counselling session at a support group last night & it was excellent. Great night's sleep. Then this morning, woke just before the alarm and she has been on my mind all day. I have to see her to collect my Son later & while I don't look at her at all or talk, I think she does play mind games that get to me. A number of times she has brought him out & she has been all dressed up. The last time, she wore a track suit that she wore the day we decided to give things a go last October. Maybe I am reading too much into it all and in her mind these interactions are just necessary evils, but they appear to be efforts to show me that she has moved on or is seeing someone new.

As bad as things were, it is like a drug, being cold turkey now and genuinely loving and missing her are no help. I know I am going to feel relieved when I drop him home later and can get away from her, but any interaction with her is making me very anxious right now and I'm trying to think of all the reasons to not want to be with her. But it is a tough ask.

[swampgas95]

This is one of my biggest struggles as well. I want to hate her. I want to see her for the person she is, but it's so hard to not want to be with her again. It sucks to feel the pain of everything she did to me, the brutal way she discarded me, the fact that she replaced me so quickly, and the frustrations I feel knowing that I still want to put myself back in that prison. It's as if we become institutionalized and can't survive outside of the relationship.

For me, I used the "scorched earth" strategy. I've read that binge eaters will pour dish soap on food so they won't eat it. I guess that's my strategy too. Knowing that she doesn't have the capacity to love me or value me in any meaningful way, I made sure that she will never want to be within a hundred yards of me again. The failure of the relationship will be my fault no matter what (despite the fact that she cheated), so why not just drop a nuke on the whole thing and make sure she never comes back. Why? The same reason the over eater pours dish soap on food. I don't trust myself. I won't get into the details of how I did that, but I'm fairly certain she won't ever speak to me again. Now I can let go without that lingering feeling that she might be coming back.

A wise friend said to me once: "The greatest mistake we make is believing we can leave a relationship without being the a$$hole. It's like walking the wrong way on an escalator. You always end up at the same place in the end, you just wasted a lot of energy getting there."

[JerryRG]

Good words swampgas95

I believe I wasted a lot of time as well, I just have to remember this was a learning experience and maybe this has or will keep us out of something even more seriously messed up.

I actually put myself in extreme danger being with my exgf, she did all she could to destroy my self worth but she could have easily done something to get me into serious legal trouble as well.

This was and still is a very serious reality, no one who claims to have been raped 9 times should be trusted to be alone with.

I flirted with my mental health and physical and spiritual and could be sitting in prison if she ever chose to scheme up a way to get me locked up.

Another thing I can guarantee with 100% faith, our exs will do this to the next guy, that is a very safe bet.

Oh and we must never forget the way pwBPD draw us in and they are so skilled at what they do, it takes a very healthy awareness to not fall for their bag of tricks

[Moselle]

I flirted with my mental health and physical and spiritual and could be sitting in prison if she ever chose to scheme up a way to get me locked up.

Yes. They are capable of lots of dirty tricks. Especially if there is a bit of NPD mixed in with the BPD.

Its important to protect ourselves (including our safety), and our employment (eg mine calls up HR at my employer, threatening to have me arrested and she swears at them)

[Herodias]

I flirted with my mental health and physical and spiritual and could be sitting in prison if she ever chose to scheme up a way to get me locked up.

Yes. They are capable of lots of dirty tricks. Especially if there is a bit of NPD mixed in with the BPD.

Its important to protect ourselves (including our safety), and our employment (eg mine calls up HR at my employer, threatening to have me arrested and she swears at them)

I totally agree here... .and lots of people I know suspected I could end up dead! Even the judge! We have to try and remember how unhealthy they are and how unhealthy they made us. We need to work on ourselves. Don't get sucked back in... .keep telling yourself that you could end up in jail if you are not careful with this woman and you have child to care for... .Is she trying to get you back in her web? Know that if you do, she will throw you out again, just as fast. Don't fall for it... .she is probably not happy with the drug addict bf... .she may need you in-between finding someone else. You know too much now... .she no longer has power over you. You will not be in this long term and you know it. You are just having a slump... .don't let it suck you lower.

[fromheeltoheal]

Councelor, Any healthy guy would walk or run from your ex after 10 minutes with her.

Sponsor, Jerry, do you realize how sick you had to be to be with your ex?

Sponsor, I'm surprised that your surprised, she's FN nuts!

Friends, She's crazy and we did our best to show you but you wouldn't listen.

It's helpful to limit whom we talk to about what we've been through; the abuse and disrespect doled out by someone with a personality disorder gets into our core deeply and it's difficult to understand for us, but near impossible for someone who hasn't experienced it themselves.  So the above comments, even from people who care about us, are actually shaming and continue the gaslighting we probably got in the relationship.  Best to limit the conversation to us here, who have been through it, and therapists with experience in treating people who've suffered narcissistic abuse and the like.

That said, one thing that helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable crap that you tolerated in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things; mine got to two pages in a hurry.  WHY we tolerated that crap can come later, for the time being the list can be used as a tool to shift your focus when you're tempted; you're temped because we're conflicted coming out of these relationships, our heart and our head disagree, so we need to shift our focus to help our head do what we know is right, until our heart catches up and agrees.

The point is to read the list and fully associate to how crappy whatever it was made you FEEL; do that for a few things on the list and you won't want to be contacting your ex, and if the urge is still there, read some more.

So what's the first thing on your list Jerry?

[JerryRG]

Thanks Blue

I know better than to get caught in her web again. Thank you for your support and kind words.

The first thing on my list is knowing how sick I was to tolerate her abuse and lies and still stay with my exgf.

Then realising what my councelor said a long time ago, no healthy man would be with her and that is just a fact. I know from people who know her new bf and guess what? His history is dark, alcoholic and lots of crime, broken family, codependency, mental issues. So there you go, the perfect guy for the perfect disordered BPD.

They met, she played victim and the rest is just repeat the same story. Will they work? He's been in jail for fighting with her, guess he's desperate enough to tolerate her. I was for a time but not anymore.

Thanks to all you and your experience you taught me what was really going on and what signs to look for. Now I see.

[HurtinNW]

A couple things that work for me... .

I have a sign on my desk that read YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS ANYMORE

I tell myself I can check on him in two years to see if he is better

I think over all the terrible things he did to me

I remind myself that my longing is not about wanting who he is, it is about wanting a fantasy of someone he is not

My therapist recommends I validate it, like by telling myself, "Of course you want love, anyone would, and you thought you had it with him. This longing is a sign of how much love you are capable of."

I also try to find out what I really want from the urge. Lots of time what I really want is for him to admit what he did, and have remorse. It isn't even about getting back together. It's about my hurt and anger.

[BirdinFlight]

so why not just drop a nuke on the whole thing and make sure she never comes back


I'm new here and can't figure out how to put the above line in a box the the rest do.

For myself, I did just that--my ex was normal to everybody but me and everybody loved him because they never saw his abusive and confusing behavior. When I left I sent a letter telling some close family members what he had done knowing that he would never speak to me again and he hasn't. I've been through one of these relationships prior to him and the guy stalked me for 6 months trying to get me back. It was a horrible and scary experience and I guess I wanted to make sure that this wouldn't happen with my current ex. I still go through all of the feelings and urges everybody here describes. Secretly I want to have contact with him and even get back with him, but "nuking the whole thing" has taking away that option. I know in a weak moment, I would have gotten back with him. the previous stalker ex and I would break up and get back and repeat that cycle for years. I didn't want that to happen again. With time I saw the previous ex for who he is and he no longer holds any kind of emotional pull on me. I know with time, I will see this one for who he is and will no longer have the cravings I have now. I sometimes regret sending that letter but it was an honest letter and it also did serve to completely sever the tie between us. I guess it was like the dish soap trick you mention. There's no turning back and I need that to move forward.

[swampgas95]

I still go through all of the feelings and urges everybody here describes. Secretly I want to have contact with him and even get back with him, but "nuking the whole thing" has taking away that option. I know in a weak moment, I would have gotten back with him. the previous stalker ex and I would break up and get back and repeat that cycle for years. I didn't want that to happen again. With time I saw the previous ex for who he is and he no longer holds any kind of emotional pull on me. I know with time, I will see this one for who he is and will no longer have the cravings I have now. I sometimes regret sending that letter but it was an honest letter and it also did serve to completely sever the tie between us. I guess it was like the dish soap trick you mention. There's no turning back and I need that to move forward.

Good for you BirdinFlight! It's not an easy thing to do because of the strange hold they have on us and because of our nature as good people who struggle to intentionally hurt anyone. I learned a long time ago that it is sometimes necessary to fight fire with fire in order to save yourself. These people spent months/years mirroring us, it's okay to mirror them in this particular situation. Stay strong. Just because I'm certain she won't reach out to me doesn't mean that I don't want to reach out to her every day. There are moments I have to fight like hell. Whenever I do, I read a great line from a movie that perfectly describes life with a person with BPD:

"Listen, and understand! He is out there! He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. That's what he does! That's ALL he does! You can't stop him! He'll wade through you, reach down your throat and pull your fu*#in' heart out! --The Terminator, 1984

[seenr]

Seeing my ex is difficult.

I saw her last night and since I woke this morning I am craving being with her. Many times on this site it is compared to a drug and that is what it is.

I have nothing to fight as she ended it but the dilemma is this - at 42, if we try again and fail, so much of my life would be gone. Its almost too big a risk to take. That plus I don't want my son seeing rows, mean if she came back I'd probably say no.

[swampgas95]

I have nothing to fight as she ended it but the dilemma is this - at 42, if we try again and fail, so much of my life would be gone. Its almost too big a risk to take. That plus I don't want my son seeing rows, mean if she came back I'd probably say no.

I wonder sometimes if it's them we crave or just to have them desire us again; to paint us white again. The feeling of being white and valued by these people is the drug we crave. It's why we endure all the pain that comes with it. It's what I can imagine heroin feels like. Incredible highs followed by soul sucking lows.

I actually have a letter that my daughter wrote to her favorite author during the worst of everything. I made a copy of it and laminated it so that any time I think of going back I remember what's really important. It gets easier everyday. Remember the innocent bystanders in this who are defenseless in this war. It's just not worth it. Our value is defined by what contributions we make to the world and the people we love, not by some evil succubus that controls our value for their own selfish needs.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wonder sometimes if it's them we crave or just to have them desire us again; to paint us white again. The feeling of being white and valued by these people is the drug we crave. It's why we endure all the pain that comes with it.

Yes, and is it the desire to be valued by "these people" or just to be valued in general?  Where did that come from?  What did a borderline tap into, that was there long before we met them?  Both growth and detachment is available in the answers.

[swampgas95]

Yes, and is it the desire to be valued by "these people" or just to be valued in general?  Where did that come from?  What did a borderline tap into, that was there long before we met them?  Both growth and detachment is available in the answers.[/quote]
Great points. When my therapist asked me what my goals for therapy were, that is exactly what I told him. We all need to move beyond trying to figure out why the people with BPD are so fu*$ed up and focus on developing healthy boundaries for the future. I've found the information on this site very useful along with tools learned in therapy.

Without digging out the infection from those old wounds, we will keep finding these predators over and over again. Easier said than done, I know.