A rebound that didn't happen...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Some of you might remember my previous topic from a few weeks ago that got closed because it reached it post limit. Basically it came down to my undiagnosed ex BPDgf contacting me again after being seperated for 1,5 years. A month after we seperated she already found a replacement and she moved in together after a year or so. When she contacted me, she asked if we could still one day be together and eventually told that she and her bf had arguments all the time, that she was sure that she would leave him soon, yada yada yada. She also claimed she had changed a lot of her bad ways. I kept my guard up but was open for discussion.

The topic is here if you are interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293945.0

In the weeks after that a lot has happened, and I basically am pretty much convinced no good can come out of it, as well as there's no hope that she will ever truly be a person to build a stable relationship with, at least not with me.

After some small talks on the chat app, she wanted to desperately meet me in person. So after some doubt from my side (boundaries, remember), I agreed that she would visit me one afternoon so we could talk in person. She came by for an hour or two, which felt akward to me but also kind of good in a nostalgic way. She talked about how she had no self esteem left, because her current bf was constantly yelling at her and telling her she was ugly. This was a red flag for me, as it reminded me of the first time I fell for her and she was telling about her bad exes. I immediately thought: the poor sap is probably beaten down from all the stuff she does and she twists and turns it until she's in the victim role. Anyway, she kept repeating stuff like that enough to make me semi-believe her.

She also claimed that she was 100 percent sure she would leave him, that she even told him that things were done but that he had trouble accepting it, and just to keep the peace she accepted that until she found a way to solve the situation (as in, they bought a house together but she wants to keep the house). She told me a week from that moment she would meet with a financial advisor together with her mother to figure things out. She also told me to not expect anything emotional or sexual from her until the entire matter was resolved. Which I agreed on, because a) I didn't even know what the hell I wanted from her in the first place and was scared that I would get sucked back in and b) if she somehow cheated on him with me that would make me respect her even less as a person.

So anyway, with that resolved I thought that would be the end of it for a while but the next day she dropped by a party I was at to party with me and my friends. She once again told me about the bad stuff she went through at home and that she was just waiting for things to be settled so she could move on. I wanted more security, I told her that if she wanted to keep seeing me I had to know what her intentions were as I didn't want to be toyed with or be triangulated. She ensured me that was not the case, that she had strong feelings for me and that we just had to be patient. The next two days, she came by again and again. The first of those days to have a meal together and watch a movie, the second day just an hour so I could meet her new dog and to say goodbye, as I was going to another country for work for a week.

Continued in post below... .

[CloseToFreedom]

Some of you might remember my previous topic from a few weeks ago that got closed because it reached it post limit. Basically it came down to my undiagnosed ex BPDgf contacting me again after being seperated for 1,5 years. A month after we seperated she already found a replacement and she moved in together after a year or so. When she contacted me, she asked if we could still one day be together and eventually told that she and her bf had arguments all the time, that she was sure that she would leave him soon, yada yada yada. She also claimed she had changed a lot of her bad ways. I kept my guard up but was open for discussion.

The topic is here if you are interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293945.0

In the weeks after that a lot has happened, and I basically am pretty much convinced no good can come out of it, as well as there's no hope that she will ever truly be a person to build a stable relationship with, at least not with me.

After some small talks on the chat app, she wanted to desperately meet me in person. So after some doubt from my side (boundaries, remember), I agreed that she would visit me one afternoon so we could talk in person. She came by for an hour or two, which felt akward to me but also kind of good in a nostalgic way. She talked about how she had no self esteem left, because her current bf was constantly yelling at her and telling her she was ugly. This was a red flag for me, as it reminded me of the first time I fell for her and she was telling about her bad exes. I immediately thought: the poor sap is probably beaten down from all the stuff she does and she twists and turns it until she's in the victim role. Anyway, she kept repeating stuff like that enough to make me semi-believe her.

She also claimed that she was 100 percent sure she would leave him, that she even told him that things were done but that he had trouble accepting it, and just to keep the peace she accepted that until she found a way to solve the situation (as in, they bought a house together but she wants to keep the house). She told me a week from that moment she would meet with a financial advisor together with her mother to figure things out. She also told me to not expect anything emotional or sexual from her until the entire matter was resolved. Which I agreed on, because a) I didn't even know what the hell I wanted from her in the first place and was scared that I would get sucked back in and b) if she somehow cheated on him with me that would make me respect her even less as a person.

So anyway, with that resolved I thought that would be the end of it for a while but the next day she dropped by a party I was at to party with me and my friends. She once again told me about the bad stuff she went through at home and that she was just waiting for things to be settled so she could move on. I wanted more security, I told her that if she wanted to keep seeing me I had to know what her intentions were as I didn't want to be toyed with or be triangulated. She ensured me that was not the case, that she had strong feelings for me and that we just had to be patient. The next two days, she came by again and again. The first of those days to have a meal together and watch a movie, the second day just an hour so I could meet her new dog and to say goodbye, as I was going to another country for work for a week.

Continued in post below... .

[CloseToFreedom]

Up until this point, I had very conflicted feelings. In the year and a half seperated from her I grew so much and I promised myself to never go through that hell again, but at the same time there is this lure, as you could call it, this promise of one more try to get it perfect with 'the one'. A feeling most of you no doubt will recognise. These double feelings were constantly in battle in my head, but I had the thought that if I at least kept myself stable, not too attached to the promise of a chance of trying again in the future, but also not too distant for it to be unworkable.

So I went on my business trip and the first few days away things were normal enough, with her apping me every now and then asking how it went and being nice (the person she was in the beginning of our relationship). Then after she had the meeting with the financial advisor I noticed something different, she was more distant and didn't talk that much as first. I asked what happened and there were basically two things. 1) she had a nice weekend with her current bf, although after that the arguments began as usual. And b) the advisor basically told her that it would be pretty much impossible for her to keep the house by herself. So it pretty much clicked with me that this would become a long thing, perhaps never really resolved. Perhaps she would try to trick herself into thinking she would stay with her current bf just to get to keep the house, or whatever... .I still don't know precisely how their minds work.

Anyway, the contact got much lower after that and when I got back home this weekend the contact was almost non existent. So I told her today, listen, the contact is very low, very different from the previous week where she would almost act in love with me, and that I would cut the contact short, that it would be better for everyone and that this wasn't what I wanted or how I wanted to be treated. She just replied with that she didn't really like the contact we had anyway, and blocked me. That's it.

So, that's pretty much the story and I hope you folks can learn from it, I sure can. I've learned that they never really change and that I don't think even THEY THEMSELVES know what they really want. Perhaps right now she's pretty comfortable with her current bf again, I don't know, and perhaps in a few weeks things will change again. I don't even know if it is true that her bf is telling her that she's really ugly and too fat, or that it was all made up so that I would get sympathy for her. I don't know if she really didn't like hanging with me again, or that she just said that to 1 up me when I told her I wanted to quit this contact.

Last part of the story below... .

[CloseToFreedom]

In the end, it doesn't matter. There is just no way you can build something stable with these people. I'm just glad I kept most of my boundaries up and didn't engange in physical contact during this brief period of contact. Im feeling kind of sad/annoyed right now, as yes during that one week with lots of contact I felt brief moments of infatuation, I guess comparable to how I first felt when she reached out to me all those years ago, but because I kept doubt in the back of my head and physical distance, I've avoided MUCH worse. If I went any further I would've been an absolute trainwreck right now and perhaps even back in my sorry state from 1,5 years ago, losing all the progress in between. Now I just feel like crap today and probably for a few more days, and then brush it off and get on with my life, just like I've been doing the past year, also with the newfound knowledge, or should I say more certainty, that there is something very wrong with her for her to act this way, and that she's also not in such a happy situation as she makes it seem through social media and what not. I may be a terrible person for getting some satisfaction from that fact, but I guess it is kind of allowed when evil people mess with your head like that.

So, onwards it is. Hopefully you've gained some knowledge from my mistakes and I'm happy that I've grown so much in this time that I've avoided much worse mistakes.

[RighteousAnger]

Thanks for the story. It helps me to hear these stories to prevent myself from reaching back out to my ex uBPDgf. I initiated NC 4 weeks and one day ago (... .I'm not counting... .). Surprisingly she has not broken through my barriers yet like she always has. Which obviously makes me suspect she immediately found someone else this time. But I should be singing and dancing instead of feeling melancholy. Anyway, your story reminds me of the numerous times I've bounced back to my ex after missing her and hoping it would be different this time just to realize nothing changed... .she was/is still the selfish, unpredictable, jealous, controlling, projecting, gas lighting, manipulating, callous, vengeful, drug and alcohol abusing woman I knew (who could be the sweetest woman in the world when I was painted white).

[CloseToFreedom]

You are absolutely right. Glad that my post helps.