Been broken up for one month and trying to stop the back and forth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone, I've been reading stories and responses on here for a week now and it's all been really helpful and would like to share my story and get some feedback. I'll try not to make this a novel but want to include enough to get the help I need.

  I'm 21 and my ex is 20 and we dated for a little over a year. She isn't diagnosed with BPD but her mom, her friends and I are all almost certain she has it. When things were good it was like nothing I could have ever imagined being possible but we had plenty of rough times along the way too.

  She broke up with me a month ago because she felt alone in the relationship and felt like I put everything else before her when that's not what was happening. I constantly showed her how much I loved her but anything short of texting her literately every minute wasnt enough for her. We were so in love with each other the whole relationship regardless of the black and white painting of me she'd do throughout. Overall I was patient and accepting of her inconsistent personality. She hooked up with this girl who had been her friend for a little while the night after we broke up and it crushed me. I couldn't comprehend how 3 days before she was telling me she wants to have my child immediately and get married and all that to doing that... .

  Over the course of the next couple weeks she would go back and forth from wanting to wanting to be single because she feels alone with me and it was like suffering the break up over and over again. Everytime I'd start to feel better and make peace with it, she'd text me and pull me right back in. The worst was last Saturday she was texting me that she loves me so much and talking about our future family then said she was going to do molly that night at the concert she was going to which shocked me because she's always been soo anti drugs. I had my concerns about her taking too much and she called me controlling and then she told me that the girl she kissed was going to be in the group she's going with... .



We wernt officially back together but she swore up and down over and over again that she wasnt going to cheat on me and we had plans for me to pick her up after and sleep at her house. She kept saying she loved me so much then her phone died. We planned for me to pick her up at her fiends house at 11 so I drove out to the area cus I didnt have the address and waited for her to get back and charge her phone there like she planned. 12 hit and nothing so I went home feeling sick to my stomach knowing something was wrong and woried about her safety. The next morning she texted me saying she was ok

and that she was sorry about last night but she lost her phone and couldnt contact me and that she stayed at her friends house overnight. I asked her if she cheated and she dodged the question so I asked gain and she said she kissed that girl again before going to sleep.

  I almost threw up and couldnt believe it like she swore up and down and I knew it would happen but bought it. Her replies were short and cold now and then. I was expecting her to say she regretted it or something, anything but then she said she was going to do molly again that night but still loves me and I was just in disbelief like what the heck happened. How can you say you love someone and wanna have their kid and promise not to do something, then do it, say sorry and I still love you, and then just go ahead and do it again! I told her she doesnt love me and havent talked to her since other than to ask how its possible to flip so hard so fast. She just gets frustrated and angry with me by this and still hasnt shown any remorse for doing that or aknowledged it being messed up. I really just cant comprehend it and its messed me up royally.

 

Any input is greatly appreciated and I'm sorry if thats a long read but it feels like theres a racketball bouncing back and forth in my head right now trying to figure out how its all possible

[Langland11]

Hey everyone, I've been reading stories and responses on here for a week now and it's all been really helpful and would like to share my story and get some feedback. I'll try not to make this a novel but want to include enough to get the help I need.

  I'm 21 and my ex is 20 and we dated for a little over a year. She isn't diagnosed with BPD but her mom, her friends and I are all almost certain she has it. When things were good it was like nothing I could have ever imagined being possible but we had plenty of rough times along the way too.

  She broke up with me a month ago because she felt alone in the relationship and felt like I put everything else before her when that's not what was happening. I constantly showed her how much I loved her but anything short of texting her literately every minute wasnt enough for her. We were so in love with each other the whole relationship regardless of the black and white painting of me she'd do throughout. Overall I was patient and accepting of her inconsistent personality. She hooked up with this girl who had been her friend for a little while the night after we broke up and it crushed me. I couldn't comprehend how 3 days before she was telling me she wants to have my child immediately and get married and all that to doing that... .

  Over the course of the next couple weeks she would go back and forth from wanting to wanting to be single because she feels alone with me and it was like suffering the break up over and over again. Everytime I'd start to feel better and make peace with it, she'd text me and pull me right back in. The worst was last Saturday she was texting me that she loves me so much and talking about our future family then said she was going to do molly that night at the concert she was going to which shocked me because she's always been soo anti drugs. I had my concerns about her taking too much and she called me controlling and then she told me that the girl she kissed was going to be in the group she's going with... .



We wernt officially back together but she swore up and down over and over again that she wasnt going to cheat on me and we had plans for me to pick her up after and sleep at her house. She kept saying she loved me so much then her phone died. We planned for me to pick her up at her fiends house at 11 so I drove out to the area cus I didnt have the address and waited for her to get back and charge her phone there like she planned. 12 hit and nothing so I went home feeling sick to my stomach knowing something was wrong and woried about her safety. The next morning she texted me saying she was ok

and that she was sorry about last night but she lost her phone and couldnt contact me and that she stayed at her friends house overnight. I asked her if she cheated and she dodged the question so I asked gain and she said she kissed that girl again before going to sleep.

  I almost threw up and couldnt believe it like she swore up and down and I knew it would happen but bought it. Her replies were short and cold now and then. I was expecting her to say she regretted it or something, anything but then she said she was going to do molly again that night but still loves me and I was just in disbelief like what the heck happened. How can you say you love someone and wanna have their kid and promise not to do something, then do it, say sorry and I still love you, and then just go ahead and do it again! I told her she doesnt love me and havent talked to her since other than to ask how its possible to flip so hard so fast. She just gets frustrated and angry with me by this and still hasnt shown any remorse for doing that or aknowledged it being messed up. I really just cant comprehend it and its messed me up royally.

 

Any input is greatly appreciated and I'm sorry if thats a long read but it feels like theres a racketball bouncing back and forth in my head right now trying to figure out how its all possible

[seenr]

Hi Langland11

What I have learned is the only person who has the power to protect ourselves is ourselves. I'm twice your age and split from someone I loved 7 weeks ago. I have been wondering has she been with someone else it has made me physically sick too, but I had to stop it. It was upsetting me so much to think of her being intimate with anyone.

Many here suggest no contact. Is this something you could do? Even for a short while? It seems to me like the messages she is sending you are very mixed and that is causing chaos in your mind.

[Langland11]

I'm sorry to hear that and trying to understand how such a quick dramatic switch happened has gotten no where, we just go in circles when I try and talk to her so today I told her it's best we don't talk anymore and move on but we've done that before and she just texts me something endearing within a day or two and pulls me back in so I'm hoping I'll have the strength to not make the mistake of replying this time. But yes very mixed, it's killing me how she can still say she loves and all that but her actions are polar opposites :/

[seenr]

I've been told I'm ugly & she wants to meet someone who respects her. Then 6 months later, she loves me and has been on dates but they're not the same.

It is a cycle, circle and two have to play in order for it to work. What I'm trying to understand is how & why I have gone back.

I am seeing a counsellor who last night did some great work with me. She said 'just say now she came back & asked you to be together again, what would you say?'. Rather than say no, I listed 10 things I'd like my BPD ex to accept about me before we could think of a relationship - e.g. that I'm close to my family of origin, that I like to keep finance aside for the future & for my Son's education, etc etc. She then said to me 'could these also be the boundaries you setup for a healthy relationship with someone new?'.

I thought that was excellent work. In a couple of minutes she flipped my thinking without me realising it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Langland11,



I'm sorry to hear about what is happening in your relationship. I can understand your feelings. I know I'd be wondering how my boyfriend/partner could say one thing one minute, then act in a way that seems to completely go against what he just said.   Very confusing. And I experienced it, too.

You have come to the right place for support. You are not alone in this—many of our members have been in your shoes, so they understand and can share their experiences. The site also has many tools to help things get better for you. And they can get better, Langland11; there is hope!

Have you shared your feelings with your friends and family about these recent events? How have they reacted?

If your girlfriend has BPD, these kinds of impulsive turnabouts are likely to continue indefinitely, unless she decides to get help managing her behavior. You can learn tools (such as communication, boundaries, etc.) to improve the relationship. Just keep in mind that it takes a lot of commitment, work, and patience for both parties.

The evolution of a relationship with someone with BPD can be very intoxicating, so that when it shifts into another mode, it can feel quite shocking to the partner. That's what happened in my relationship, and I ended up getting physically ill at the very end after one particularly shocking "change of heart."

Here is some info. that might help explain what often happens in these kinds of relationships:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Can you relate to any of this, Langland11?

Keep writing, it really helps. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Langland11]

Thank you both for replying. Once I have more money saved up I plan to see a counselor to talk about this and also try and figure some things out about myself like why I allowed certain things to happen. I know it has to be over with her though because any boundaries I've tried to set are "controlling" when it's just normal relationship stuff when two respect each other. She mentioned seeking help while we were dating but doesn't have the money and even if we never got back together I still hope she can as soon as possible for her own good.

[Langland11]

Also just read that article all the way through and it was EXTREMELY relatable and helped a whole lot so thank you!

[Meili]

Have you considered blocking her number so that she can't call or send you text messages? That way you don't have to worry about feeling weak. That's just one less thing on your plate at that point.

Also, have you looked into support groups in your area? They aren't as good as a private counselor, but can provide you with strength and support in your times of need.

Like you, I was told that I was controlling because I established and maintained boundaries. That was a turning point for me. Once I started to enforce my boundaries things became easier. Once I went NC, I had the room to breath and think more clearly to get out of the FOG.