After 4 years of estrangement...an olive branch

[Huat]

My husband and I are in our mid-70's and have weathered through so much with our (undiagnosed but probable) BPD 50-yr-old daughter.  Her running away started when she was 12 then when she got too old for that, she would just cut us out of her life.  She had 2 babies who we helped her raise through all sorts of drama... .divorces... .custody battles.  We were surrogate parents during their growing-up years.  There was always money handed over to help make life easier for the "single mom".  I would often say to myself that she was never a "single mom"... .we picked up any slack... .financially/emotionally.

Our latest episode has gone on now for 4 years.  First, out-of-the blue, Christmas was pulled out from us on the Christmas Eve... .and in the following years we have been shunned... .the hardest part was seeing our now-adult grandchildren "side" with her, telling us they didn't want to be in the middle.  It has been a hard, hard 4 years, to say the least.  I, as her mom, have always been her target.  I would receive gushy cards/letters thanking me for helping to pull her through... ."couldn't have done it without you, Mom!".  Those accolades were interspersed with so many more caustic letters.  Well, a sigh of relief when a while back, she finally included her father... .and I was not alone.  YES! 

In the first few years I tried contacting her... .left messages.  I would sometimes see her on the street (we live in a small community) and when she would see me, she would turn and walk away.  Finally I stopped making an effort because it was like I was begging.  No meant no!

I always new it would take something major to jar her this time... .and that happened when the news of her father having cancer filtered down to her.  Yesterday an e-mail "To all family" from her... .apologizing for her part... .time for "all of us" to stop digging in our heals.  Hmmmmm!

At the start of this estrangement, the tears would come all the time... .I would even wake in the middle of the night and cry.  Eventually the tears dried and there was just an overwhelming sadness.  Then... .the sadness was softened with the realization that my husband and I were now living in a state of quiet and calmness... .void of the ongoing drama that plagued us throughout the years.  I'm telling you, it took a while to be able to pick up the phone and accept the olive branch... .but I did.

Yes, during this period I have read all the books.  I am better-armed than before.  We will play the game... .again... .but our rules have changed.  We had been warned that her verbal anger could possibly turn to physical aggression... .and we are aging.  Needless to say, we will always love our daughter and our granddaughters... .but "like" them?  Hmmmmm?  Can we ever hear "I love you" and believe it?  They have shown a total disrespect of our roles as parents/grandparents.  We have been disposable.

So, we embark on yet another chapter.  This website has helped me so much... .and I am sure it will continue to help me... .and I want to help others.  To read stories from other mothers and their struggles with their daughters... .Wow!  It was mind-boggling at first to find that there were others out there... .and some stories so, so similar.  I have Soul Sisters and we are "special" Moms.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

While I am so sorry to hear that your husband has cancer I am really pleased that your daughter has contacted you. I hope this time things will be easier. It gives me hope that one day we will be reconciled with our daughter .

Good luck

[Lollypop]

Hi there Huat

Gosh, my heart goes out to you.

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear of your husbands illness. It must be very difficult dealing with your own emotions and staying strong to support your husband. What a complex situation to be in. It would have been easier to not let them back in but hopefully there'll be a time for healing relationships all around. I like to think I'd have made a similar decision for everybody's sake. It's difficult to retaliate and be cruel when you're clearly not that kind of person.

I hope you find some peaceful times ahead. Be true to yourself and take care of yourself and husband. You're the priority.

L

[ttz]

Thank you for sharing this.  I am sorry you went thru this.

I am experiencing another bout of "stay away from me I want you outta my life".  The first time was when she came with us to Florida.  One little thing happened and she left ... .out of state.  We asked her to pick up after herself, after all we were living with another family member.

The next time was when she got married, I mentioned to her new husband how her health of her back was an issue, (how awful of me.)  She called and said I treated her like 'a dog'.  This after one year of her moving back in and providing for her health and a roof over her head and advocating for her with the military.  They divorced after 2 years of yelling and mayhem.  My husband picked up the pieces and once more advocated for her health.

Now she's done it again.  This last time I did cry again but two days later I feel peaceful and a sense of freedom or peace.  My doctor and counselor both told me to stop or slow down with her.  I am going to be 59 and its been 8 years of this, I have health and stress issues and need to take care of me.  I understand the element of me getting older and being more vulnerable.

While she will send me loving and sweet cards or notes saying Im the best and how much I have saved her, then I am the worst person ever.   She will try to pit family members against me but I think it will back fire because they see and experienced some of this.

It is a difficult time but I feel we got her to a certain point, she's in college and collectively is doing well and in counseling.  But I don't want to be the target of her rage and verbal disappointment anymore.  I read somewheres that they really target the moms.  My counselor said that the relationship between moms and daughters are fully charged already, but adding this BPD in there is very over the top.  I love you, I love you... .I hate you, get away from me.  WOW.  What a ride this has been.

I am so sorry for the grandkids,  I suspect when they are older they will see some of this.  After all if they don't side with her, can you imagine the fallout for them?

I'm happy for you that she contacted you.  More than likely she is ready to return.  I am not sure maybe someone else can add to this but is it easy for them to return?  My daughter will act like nothing happened and usually is in a frantic state coming for help or comfort.  But maybe not this time.  I dunno.

Any thoughts?

[Huat]

I'm always been the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve.  The first time our daughter ran, my floodgates opened.  She came home, saw the destruction and I am sure she smiled because she found "the button."  My main mistake over the years was to allow her to keep pushing it.  I knew I had to change but that was very hard once she had the first then second child... .loves of our lives!  On top of finding "the button"... .she now had "trump cards."  She's used them.

You ask, ttz, if it is easy for them to return.  Well, we have had many fallings-out with our daughter over the years... .and many reconciliations.  The reconciliations usually would come when another part of her world was falling apart.  The phone would ring and I would hear, "Hello, Mom... ."  and then the sobbing followed.  She needed our comfort.  She has always gotten it. 

Now we have a possibly, serious health issue to deal with.  I honestly do believe this news has reset her axis.  She will come back into our lives and she will over-compensate... .then... .?   Now I know better so, hopefully, I will do better if/when she surprises us with an outburst again.  Whatever... .I can't think of another "punishment" that can equal these past 4 years of being shunned.

During her last tearful blow-up with me, her words were, "I've been going to f----g counselors my whole life!"  And she has.  As she has moved from one to another, I am wondering if any of them put the focus on her and came up with the possibility of BPD. Hmmmm?   I have asked on a number of occasions if she would go to counselling with us, her parents.  She flatly refuses... ."Never with you!" she tells me.  Why do you think that would be?

So, ttz, work on yourself... .the only one you can change.  You have to keep your dignity, stay as calm as you can as you use the tools shown on this website when you deal with your daughter.  In regards to your grandchildren, keep being a lovin' Gramma.  They will have learned from their mother, though, so make sure you have boundaries with them, too.

[ttz]

Thanks.  I think you are right.

[wendydarling]

Oh Haut, I am very sorry to hear your husband has cancer, you are in my thoughts at this difficult time. 

After all you have been through, I'm pleased your daughter is in touch, as you say you are better equipped with your learning, and can put to use the tools as you move forward.

Take care Haut.