I Have Stopped The Bleeding

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now I am moving toward the next four steps. 

I met this wonderful woman in early March of 2016.  She and I had a great first three weeks together and then some things began happening.  She was on Spring Break from her teaching job.  We are both 40 years old and I was surprised to see how much she was drinking and using Marijuana during those two weeks.  She was intoxicated one night while we were playing a board game that she was winning and began calling me her "b___".  I spoke up and said I don't like being called names.  Within a week I expressed some disappointment that she had ended one of our dates abruptly and she split for almost three weeks. 

Upon returning we were only together for a week before the next incident.  I had tendonitis in one of my ankles, my doctor put me in a walking cast.  The day she saw me with the cast on she canceled all of our plans to go to a baseball game and to do some hiking the next day because, "You shouldn't be walking at all!"  I've been through it before so I knew I could walk 2-3 blocks on even pavement, but the hiking was certainly out.  The next day she dropped me off at home, said she was going to be busy doing her taxes and would call me later.  We had plans to hike and I thought we'd spend the day together.  Later I called her and she told me we needed space because I kept making jokes about still being able to hike and it "pissed her off".  I told her I wasn't able to deal with the unpredictable nature of our relationship and said I would be moving on.  She said, "fine".  She sent me a few messages asking what had happened and then got angry when I wasn't complying with her demands. 

After two weeks of silence I got a "Hey" text on a Friday around 4pm.  We began a dialog and within a week we were seeing each other again.  This time I told her I knew she would split again and she simply needed to tell me clearly that she needs space, rather than hoping I just get the hint.  We ended up sleeping together and have a condom break that could have resulted in a pregnancy.  She refused to take any emergency contraception and was not on the pill.  I'm 40 and thought to myself, I care for her enough to take care of this if the child is mine.  I was concerned she may have been with other guys during our break.  We made plans to attend another baseball game out of town for the Memorial Day weekend and things were good during that time.  After the weekend she was wrapping up the last week of her school year and by that Friday she had cut off all communication.

I wrote her a text message after several days of silence asking if we could meet to say goodbye if she was leaving again.  At this point I didn't realize what I was dealing with.  She initially told me she lost her phone charger, became very angry, and was not at all receptive to my request.  Once we finally did meet she explained she was off her meds and that she had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and then later it was simply depression.  The meds she takes are used to treat a variety of things, but bi-polar disorder is one of them. 

She went out that night with a friend of mine and I and he shared with me that she shared she had used crack for a while after her fiancé had passed away.  She told my buddy she loved me, but sometimes she just couldn't get me to "Shut the #$@% up!"  I asked her if that's how she wanted to talk to me?  She felt ashamed and apologized.  She really did have fun that night and upon leaving asked me to come over and spend the night.  I did and we had a great weekend.  We were back to "I love you". and I felt amazing. 

Unfortunately on Father's day weekend another split occurred.  She shared with me on Sunday morning that she had "gone out" with a former boyfriend in her hometown and gotten drunk.  I was unhappy, but wasn't about to express that over a text.  We had agreed the week earlier to be exclusive.  Throughout the day she kept texting me asking if I was ok and accusing me of being angry.  I finally shared with her that I didn't feel great about it.  She responded, "He's just a friend, we're fine.  Have fun with your dad!"  We had some exchanges throughout the day like that.  I would stop texting and she would follow up with, "I love you!" and a slew of emojis exhibiting delight.  When I finally got upset and said she was blowing me off and asked her where she slept the night before she became enraged and ignored my texts. 

I stopped by her house on my way home.  While she opened her door to me and invited me in she would not let me touch her and would not discuss anything.  She said she would talk to me when she was ready.  I left and then came back to give her a hug.  She invited me back in, but refused to let me near her.  I backed away and left in tears.  That night I apologized via a text for stopping by unannounced and said I was ready to listen when she was ready to talk.  Two days later she said she was "scared" that I stopped by and that she was heart broken, but she could not see me anymore.  I told her I understood and accepted it.  She hasn't contacted me since. 

What do I do?  Can she be helped?  Can this be salvaged? 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Now I am moving toward the next four steps. 

I met this wonderful woman in early March of 2016.  She and I had a great first three weeks together and then some things began happening.  She was on Spring Break from her teaching job.  We are both 40 years old and I was surprised to see how much she was drinking and using Marijuana during those two weeks.  She was intoxicated one night while we were playing a board game that she was winning and began calling me her "b___".  I spoke up and said I don't like being called names.  Within a week I expressed some disappointment that she had ended one of our dates abruptly and she split for almost three weeks. 

Upon returning we were only together for a week before the next incident.  I had tendonitis in one of my ankles, my doctor put me in a walking cast.  The day she saw me with the cast on she canceled all of our plans to go to a baseball game and to do some hiking the next day because, "You shouldn't be walking at all!"  I've been through it before so I knew I could walk 2-3 blocks on even pavement, but the hiking was certainly out.  The next day she dropped me off at home, said she was going to be busy doing her taxes and would call me later.  We had plans to hike and I thought we'd spend the day together.  Later I called her and she told me we needed space because I kept making jokes about still being able to hike and it "pissed her off".  I told her I wasn't able to deal with the unpredictable nature of our relationship and said I would be moving on.  She said, "fine".  She sent me a few messages asking what had happened and then got angry when I wasn't complying with her demands. 

After two weeks of silence I got a "Hey" text on a Friday around 4pm.  We began a dialog and within a week we were seeing each other again.  This time I told her I knew she would split again and she simply needed to tell me clearly that she needs space, rather than hoping I just get the hint.  We ended up sleeping together and have a condom break that could have resulted in a pregnancy.  She refused to take any emergency contraception and was not on the pill.  I'm 40 and thought to myself, I care for her enough to take care of this if the child is mine.  I was concerned she may have been with other guys during our break.  We made plans to attend another baseball game out of town for the Memorial Day weekend and things were good during that time.  After the weekend she was wrapping up the last week of her school year and by that Friday she had cut off all communication.

I wrote her a text message after several days of silence asking if we could meet to say goodbye if she was leaving again.  At this point I didn't realize what I was dealing with.  She initially told me she lost her phone charger, became very angry, and was not at all receptive to my request.  Once we finally did meet she explained she was off her meds and that she had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and then later it was simply depression.  The meds she takes are used to treat a variety of things, but bi-polar disorder is one of them. 

She went out that night with a friend of mine and I and he shared with me that she shared she had used crack for a while after her fiancé had passed away.  She told my buddy she loved me, but sometimes she just couldn't get me to "Shut the #$@% up!"  I asked her if that's how she wanted to talk to me?  She felt ashamed and apologized.  She really did have fun that night and upon leaving asked me to come over and spend the night.  I did and we had a great weekend.  We were back to "I love you". and I felt amazing. 

Unfortunately on Father's day weekend another split occurred.  She shared with me on Sunday morning that she had "gone out" with a former boyfriend in her hometown and gotten drunk.  I was unhappy, but wasn't about to express that over a text.  We had agreed the week earlier to be exclusive.  Throughout the day she kept texting me asking if I was ok and accusing me of being angry.  I finally shared with her that I didn't feel great about it.  She responded, "He's just a friend, we're fine.  Have fun with your dad!"  We had some exchanges throughout the day like that.  I would stop texting and she would follow up with, "I love you!" and a slew of emojis exhibiting delight.  When I finally got upset and said she was blowing me off and asked her where she slept the night before she became enraged and ignored my texts. 

I stopped by her house on my way home.  While she opened her door to me and invited me in she would not let me touch her and would not discuss anything.  She said she would talk to me when she was ready.  I left and then came back to give her a hug.  She invited me back in, but refused to let me near her.  I backed away and left in tears.  That night I apologized via a text for stopping by unannounced and said I was ready to listen when she was ready to talk.  Two days later she said she was "scared" that I stopped by and that she was heart broken, but she could not see me anymore.  I told her I understood and accepted it.  She hasn't contacted me since. 

What do I do?  Can she be helped?  Can this be salvaged? 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

After reading some other posts I know my four month relationship isn't as important as a marriage and a family torn apart by these issues, but I am hoping to get some good advice on whether it is worth it to stay or not.  I miss her a great deal and knowing she is now saying she is "scared" of me breaks my heart.  I'm hoping for some perspective on this issue. 

Thank You,

James in Indy

[formflier]

 

It's a big deal to you... .that's all that matters.  Looking forward to helping.

Will try to come back soon and give some more insight.

For now, do you think you can focus on listening and being present for her, listening for emotions to validate?

Also... .don't chase.  When she pushes you away... .back away... just a bit... .don't run.  Give her space.


FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

She has told me she can't see me any more and that simply stopping by her house scared her.  I'm scared to go anywhere near her without first hearing from her.  I fear she may be gone for good this time, this split may be a permanent break.  I came on here to know how to best deal with her if she does cycle back around.

[formflier]

Got it... .

Do not reach out to her... .focus on learning here.

Why not go get another lady?

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I hadn't planned on reaching out to her.  I'm just wondering what to do or how to handle the recycle if she comes back around.  She has burnt a bridge at this point so I am 50/50 on her coming back and I don't know how to handle this.  I'm scared and while I am dating other people I still feel like I'm in love with her. 

[formflier]

I hadn't planned on reaching out to her.  I'm just wondering what to do or how to handle the recycle if she comes back around.  She has burnt a bridge at this point so I am 50/50 on her coming back and I don't know how to handle this.  I'm scared and while I am dating other people I still feel like I'm in love with her. 

If she reaches out to you... reach back.  But a bit "less" than she reaches out to you.

Read the lessons on "push/pull" behavior.

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Where do I find the lessons?  I'm looking , but I don't see it.

[formflier]

On right side of improving board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I've looked through the topics and I cannot find the stuff on Push/Pull.  I'm sorry to be so needy, but I can't seem to find anything. GRRR... .   

[formflier]

 

Hmmm... .it may just be part of a lesson.

You can google "push/pull behavior" and get a flavor of it.

Basically... .if they push you away with "force factor 5"... .you back away at a 3.

If they pull you in at a 5, you advance to them at a 3.

her "you are the best, I never want you to leave me... .hug me all night long"

you "I love having you close to me... ."

See how you express "pulling" but it is "less" than they do.  You are hoping to moderate the swings from one side to another.

Also, realize the swings were come.

her "I hate you, you never should have called, I'm cancelling my date with you to the ballgame"

you "That's disappointing, I'll text you to the final score"

What you DON'T want to do is express shock.  "how dare you cancel on me... .?" 

When she comes back later... .don't bring up the cancels or make a big deal.

FF