Just Got My Head SPUN

[SoMuchPain]

I can't much take this anymore.

I'm losing my mind in the only type of variety a pwBPD can do to you, and no amount of Prozac/Xanax is helping.

My problem: my ex has BPD.  As soon as I figured out what was going on, I ended everything even though I was still very much in love and attached, and disappointed as all hell.  Okay.

My problem: the day I ended it and kicked her out of my place, and therefore out of my city (originally an LDR), her best friend and roommate committed suicide.  So she had nowhere to go, but her mom's house in another city entirely.  Keep in mind, now I have even WORSE F.O.G., because not only did I "break her heart", but she is also grieving terribly over a death, and here I was, breaking up with her.  I felt SOO guilty and needed to make sure she was okay, so we kept talking for a couple weeks.  

But 2 weeks later she decided to get in the car and drive halfway across the country to permanently move to a new random city, and meet my replacement that she had been talking to online since the day after I broke up with her (ya know, because "I needed to get over you, and everyone deals with it differently".)  That's when I told her I wanted No Contact, but of course I didn't have the strength to actually block her number because I'm still so in love with her.  She adhered to it for about a week.  Then started casually texting me, and I thought okay I can be friends and wean off of her.  

NOPE.  NOPE.  Why do we think we will really be able to play these situations out the way we think we will?  Why do we sometimes slip into this illusion of some semblance of control over what's happening?  Because we have none whatsoever.  

My original post tonight was actually going to be about how hard it is maintaining some contact while getting painted White again, because the thoughts that oh maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe the relationship could have worked out afterall start creeping in, and you start to really miss the POS, and all the good times you had.

I was feeling that way tonight.  Extremely sad, and actually questioning myself: was it as bad as I thought?  What if maybe I could try it again one more time someday?  Until she pulled the most bizarre stunt I think I've seen from her yet.  Basically she starts texting me about how "Oh no I'm starting to do it again" with her replacement (meaning she's telling me that she's getting too close and beginning her push/pull with replacement).  

First off, I have maintained that so long as she is dating someone else, to stop talking to me, as I want to get over everything, and I'm not gonna be involved in this BS.  (We just broke up last month!)  She said 2 days ago that they aren't even together and she's gonna break off even the casual dating because it's "not gonna work".  I mean, she's not in love, it's obvious, she talks intimately with me still ... .it's all so weird.  But tonight ... .I wish I could even explain this text convo without actually putting a transcript down here.  

Basically it starts with me saying that if she is that involved with this person, she needs to stop texting me.  She said they aren't that involved, and she can't stop texting me because she is still in love with me.  Then I guess i trigger by saying I'm still in love with her too, but we can't do anything about it because she now is a million miles from me, plus she has BPD and she's an extremely verbally abusive one, and we both acknowledge that I won't be in the relationship due to that.

So then she goes onto tell me that she DOES want to be with replacement, but she's just scared to get attached and hurt and have the same thing happen to them as happened to us.  So again I told her if she is that involved, that she needs to stop talking to me, because it's cheating.  This starts off a chain reaction of "It's not cheating!  We aren't together!"  And me saying okay but you want to be, so when you are, we will have to stop talking.  "But I just compare her to you and I am disappointed and I'm still in love with you."  Me saying then don't get involved with her.  "But I do have feelings for her and she does for me, I'm just scared to get hurt and have it all fall apart".   Yada yada, I'm not going to keep going, as I'm sure you can imagine.  

This entire thing with her (especially at this point where she is 1000 miles away, literally), is insanity on my end.  I know it.  I've done this crap before and I have the T-Shirts.  I was in healthy relationships for about 5 years, but the heartbreak of those not working out seemed to throw me back into this type of crazy mess.  Problem is, I am still in love.  I chose to end the relationship, yes, but the feelings remained.  And I'm an addict when it comes to this crap.  I'm a love/romance addict, so the pwBPD really gets my brain chemicals surging like no other.  And when I have no romantic sanity to turn to (no healthy options as of the moment), I am totally susceptible to playing this game.  

Anyone have any advice?  I'll be honest in that I don't think I have the strength at the moment, or are ready to fully block the phone number.  So any other thoughts beyond that would be really welcomed.  Maybe something that could help me to move towards that goal?  (Which seems so out of reach at this moment).  

[LilMe]

SoMuchPain,

I just wanted to say that I read your message and can totally relate.  I am so sorry you are in such pain.  Dealing with a pwBPD is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I have had some pretty bad things happen in my life!

I am actually about 10 weeks out of my 10 year relationship with a uBPD.  I still love him and my crazy mind often strays back to the good.  One thing that is also painful, but helps me to stay NC is to remind myself of the bad stuff.  I kept a journal, so reading a bit of that is a big reminder of how awful it was.  I also made recordings of him dysregulating.  A few seconds of listening to that brings me right back down to earth!  I still care deeply and feel so sad for him, but it helps me realize that I can't help him and it will only damage me and my children to be around him.  I actually have only been NC for a couple of weeks.  I finally got brave and blocked his number.  Then I unblocked it, for some crazy reason, and he immediately called!  I didn't answer and he left a crazy message so I blocked him again.  Maybe you could just not respond to her texts?  Or keep sending a specific message in response?

I have also been working on getting myself mentally and emotionally strong and healthy and figuring out why I am like this and what I can do to stay out of this type of relationship.  I read, read, read; everything I can find; especially about recovering from an abusive relationship.  One book I am reading now says to write a letter to your ex, saying all the things you would say to them if they were being kind and open to your feelings.  How much you care, how they hurt you, etc.  Sit on it for a month or so, adding things that might come to mind during that time.  Then put it away and only look at it from time to time when you are feeling really bad.  Then, at some point in the future, you will destroy the letter in a kind of symbolic end to the relationship.  I had to put the book down after I read all that.  I am scared to do it - it will be so painful to write out all the things I am feeling!  But I know it must be done in order for me to heal.

 I hope something I said gives you a little relief and you can have a better day today!  If you can find something to do to take your mind off things for a while it really helps!

[SoMuchPain]

Awe thank you LilMe. 

I tried the not responding thing, hoping she'd think the number was blocked.  She just called my bluff and kept at it.  I have tried repeatedly saying "Stop texting me".  She completely ignores it of course.

My pain comes from the fact that, at this point in my life, I have no healthy romantic alternatives to kind of keep me at bay.  I am susceptible to people wBPD because the relentless attention really gets me on a weird high.  (I deep down just wish I could find someone who gives that kind of love-bombing, but is actually healthy and consistent ... is there such a thing?  ) About 5 years ago when I was last dealing with this type of stuff, someone healthy came into my life, and it literally saved me.  All my energy was directed elsewhere and I was able to completely detach from my pwBPD at the time (5 years on and she still contacts me every few months, and I've not ever responded).  I just don't have any romantic prospects at this time to turn that energy over to.  And it's REALLY hard when I'm alone to not fall back into it.  Ugh. 

[lonelyh1]

Change your phone number.

Remember the mantra,  the pain is much worse than the joy.

[ICantFixHer]

Hey man, hang in there. Steel yourself. This isn't going to be easy and your BPD ex will continue to attempt to rope you like cattle back into the craziness of their distortions.

You know in your heart there is no going back. Be strong. She'll fade away in your memory and you'll remember the relationship with disgust.