Does it ever work out?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Can a relationship with a BPD ever work out? And how? I know most people here have had disastrous experiences. But I'd also like to hear from those who have been successful.

I've posted all over these boards but it's beginning to look like it may work out. Over the last three months he is trying to be more consistent with me. We have become more honest with each other about what's going on. He has never raged at me or blamed me or insulted me. I have become more wise about dealing with him without losing myself. (When he is in the middle of a crisis, I listen quietly and am supportive but step back and give him space). I love him very much. But--and there are lots of buts--his life is in perpetual chaos and bad decisions that create it. And I am scared of letting this into my life. The relationship is long distance and there always seems to be one obstacle after another. His emotions toward me have flipped (although they seem to have grown more consistent), and I am very worried about that happening again.

[Narkiss]

Can a relationship with a BPD ever work out? And how? I know most people here have had disastrous experiences. But I'd also like to hear from those who have been successful.

I've posted all over these boards but it's beginning to look like it may work out. Over the last three months he is trying to be more consistent with me. We have become more honest with each other about what's going on. He has never raged at me or blamed me or insulted me. I have become more wise about dealing with him without losing myself. (When he is in the middle of a crisis, I listen quietly and am supportive but step back and give him space). I love him very much. But--and there are lots of buts--his life is in perpetual chaos and bad decisions that create it. And I am scared of letting this into my life. The relationship is long distance and there always seems to be one obstacle after another. His emotions toward me have flipped (although they seem to have grown more consistent), and I am very worried about that happening again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Good news 

How much do you attribute it to you using the tools to adjust how you respond?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Can a relationship with a BPD ever work out? And how? I know most people here have had disastrous experiences. But I'd also like to hear from those who have been successful.

I've posted all over these boards but it's beginning to look like it may work out. Over the last three months he is trying to be more consistent with me. We have become more honest with each other about what's going on. He has never raged at me or blamed me or insulted me. I have become more wise about dealing with him without losing myself. (When he is in the middle of a crisis, I listen quietly and am supportive but step back and give him space). I love him very much. But--and there are lots of buts--his life is in perpetual chaos and bad decisions that create it. And I am scared of letting this into my life. The relationship is long distance and there always seems to be one obstacle after another. His emotions toward me have flipped (although they seem to have grown more consistent), and I am very worried about that happening again.

I think nonBPD and BPD relationships are much easier long distance.  Once things get more complicated under the same roof it is possible that the added shared responsibilities and additional communication might flare things up a bit but I could be wrong. 

[patientandclear]

Narkiss -- isn't he still married?  How are you feeling about that piece of the picture?

[jrharvey]

I am wondering the same thing. Are there any success stories? I cant seem to find any. It seems like the only success is the non BP giving up themselves and any feelings we have. Every day my GF tells me about her feelings, troubles, insecurities and unhappiness with me but if I mention even one small thing she either gets angry or she shuts down and pushes me away not talking at all. We all have needs too. How can we survive in a relationship where your always giving and giving and trying to help the other person with their needs and never getting your needs met?

[Jessica84]

How can we survive in a relationship where your always giving and giving and trying to help the other person with their needs and never getting your needs met?

Boundaries/Validation are key. Try not to give more than you're willing to give or over-help them - use boundaries. Try validating her more - I've been pleasantly surprised by how validating he could be in return once HE feels better. It also helps to get some of our own needs met elsewhere. I don't mean romantically or sexually, but we can get friendship, affection and validation from friends, family members, and others who appreciate us.

Relationships should be 50/50 but seldom are, even in non-BPD relationships. Relying on a pwBPD to meet you halfway is not realistic. It's not that they won't, it's that they can't - not consistently anyway. Throw the idea of fairness out the window. They aren't unfair on purpose. They are handicapped by the disorder.

[jrharvey]

How can we survive in a relationship where your always giving and giving and trying to help the other person with their needs and never getting your needs met?

Boundaries/Validation are key. Try not to give more than you're willing to give or over-help them - use boundaries. Try validating her more - I've been pleasantly surprised by how validating he could be in return once HE feels better. It also helps to get some of our own needs met elsewhere. I don't mean romantically or sexually, but we can get friendship, affection and validation from friends, family members, and others who appreciate us.

Relationships should be 50/50 but seldom are, even in non-BPD relationships. Relying on a pwBPD to meet you halfway is not realistic. It's not that they won't, it's that they can't - not consistently anyway. Throw the idea of fairness out the window. They aren't unfair on purpose. They are handicapped by the disorder.

Im sorry for asking this in another persons thread. I apologize to the OP but I would love to get my needs met elsewhere. I would love to see friends and family and feel loved in other ways. She either gets depressed or rages when I even consider trying to see family or friends. Usually she feels abandoned if I want to visit family and gets sad. She also rages when I want to see friends. I see her every single day but if I want to see a friend even a guy she says I like them more than her. I dont love her. I dont care about her. Even if I invite her.

[Jessica84]

JRH- (yes, sorry to intrude on another post too) - please read up on Boundaries and Extinction Bursts. She may not like it at first, but don't give up your life - your friends, family, hobbies. Having her as your only friend won't make her any happier anyway, but it will make you miserable. Her unhappiness is her problem, not yours. You can still be there for her in a loving way, but without giving up your needs entirely.

[an0ught]

Hi jrharvey,

I am wondering the same thing. Are there any success stories? I cant seem to find any.

There is a sticky post at the top of the board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0 .

It seems like the only success is the non BP giving up themselves and any feelings we have.

At times it may feel that way but this is neither working nor what the board is all about. A lot is about getting stronger, more in contact with your own self and feelings and maintaining structure and boundaries. The LESSONS are a plan toward these goals.

Every day my GF tells me about her feelings, troubles, insecurities and unhappiness with me but if I mention even one small thing she either gets angry or she shuts down and pushes me away not talking at all.

It takes time to get really good with validation. Validation so good that it sticks in her head in a self sustaining way. But then it also takes a while for many of us to learn to recognize situations when we are just leached out for superficial gratification and learn to stop throwing support into a black hole. Knowing when soothing is a waste and maybe the best would be for her to cry a bit.

We all have needs too. How can we survive in a relationship where your always giving and giving and trying to help the other person with their needs and never getting your needs met?

By knowing what is really important and protecting these needs. Priorities are critical. Check out the boundary workshops. They start with values. Boundaries are not so hard to do - what is hard is getting started and knowing where on draws the line. As it is usually not without consequences. But then not doing and and following their lead means accepting constant chaos.

You can't fix her. You can behave in a healthier way towards her (avoid invalidation, validation, SET) and you can become resilient (boundaries). That can go a long way to restore a modicum of normalcy giving her the chance to do her work.

[Narkiss]

Turkish: Yes, I attribute it partly to the tools (I don't JADE, I've learned how to validate effectively, I've been striving toward radical acceptance and wisemind). I also have been doing my best to focus more on me and how I feel (not perseverate on him and what he is doing and why). The Personal Inventory board has been really helpful. I think I have taken a step back emotionally and he has taken a step toward me. Also, from reading story after story here -- and seeing the chaos in his life that doesn't have anything to do with me --  I don't take any of this as personally as I used to. Also, I see both sides of him more clearly. Before, I focused on the good, wonderful, loving side and had emotional amnesia about the other. I think I am much more emotionally healthy than I was a year ago and I will bring these things to any relationship I get into to in the future (I am aware that this does not have a good chance of working out).

Another thing that has helped is that we are able to talk more honestly about what is going on. He told me the other day that he knows I doubt that he is serious about me and that we will be together (Yes, Patientandclear, he is still married, and it bothers the hell out of me but has helped me take a step back) and I finally told him that yes, that is how I feel, and we talked about it.

But, although, he is much more self-aware than when I first met him, he is still borderline, and does crazy, irrational things when he is triggered that causes chaos in his life. And then, I step back even farther and just listen to him, and try to validate his feelings if not his actions.

But that doesn't mean any of this will work out. (too many obstacles) It just means that I don't feel so crazy and out of control. Just a little.

[waverider]

Successful relationships dont have the same urge to post here and hence dont seem highly represented.

Success doesn't need to be BPD free, or even free of dysfunction. It merely means contentment and a worthwhile interaction. This is largely a lot about how much you let it run your life. The better you get at achieving this the less a threat your life seems to be to your pwBPD, hence the less conflict and drama is directed at you.

If you can avoid the toxic elements it is possible to find fun in the disorder. Yes the disorder often is the source for the fun/buzz/freshness that can infect pwBPD. BPD is not all bad, it is just a dysfunctional way of viewing the world.

Being on the same team, rather than opponents is the major break through to achieving this.

[Narkiss]

Can you explain a little more about you mean by not letting it run your life? And how the better we get at achieving this, the less threatening you are to the person with BPD?

[Lilyroze]

Can you explain a little more about you mean by not letting it run your life? And how the better we get at achieving this, the less threatening you are to the person with BPD?

It will work for you until it doesn't. You left a marriage for him, and are learning all you can to not trigger and help the man you love. Which is admirable.

While he doesn't even know he has it. Unless you have got him in for diagnosis and treatment, maybe missed that.

Keep on this course and all will be fine, until not. Use the tools available and go for it I guess. You are bound and determined to so make it work then. There are plenty of tools here, ways to approach and articles. Do what it takes. It will take work, and can be enriching life if you find the right partner. If he is it, then great. More power to you.

If and when it doesn't then you decide or he decides to move on.

As for success depends on what you call success. Yes there are many who have made it 30 years before divorcing, are broken and in pieces but made it to the finish line. The successful ones tend to not be here, as stated to you. But there are many successful marriages in the world, and some have disorders. I do think love and not infatuation, sex or lust must factor in, if love only you both can decide.

[Narkiss]

He does know actually. We've talked about it pretty openly. He was surprised I figured it out. He has told no one. He says he will go to therapy because he is aware that it makes him dysfunctional. That would be my main condition. He was the precipitating cause of leaving my husband but I would have left regardless. He has OCPD, is rigid, controlling, and dysfunctional in other ways.

Yes, I know. Find a nice man without a personality disorder.

[Lilyroze]

He does know actually. We've talked about it pretty openly. He was surprised I figured it out. He has told no one. He says he will go to therapy because he is aware that it makes him dysfunctional. That would be my main condition. He was the precipitating cause of leaving my husband but I would have left regardless. He has OCPD, is rigid, controlling, and dysfunctional in other ways.

Yes, I know. Find a nice man without a personality disorder.

Well that is good. So you would be his third marriage then? Does he know you wanted to contact his ex's, and are snooping to figure out? If he found out would he still go to therapy with you?

Was your ex willing to go to therapy and you with him?

It is all good in the realm of what you want.

Does he have children of his own and what is his relationship to them with your mom hat on? Children are the future, your future so these are questions you need to be thinking about. Relationships are great and needed but the kids need to be thought about in equation.

[Narkiss]

Well, Lilyroze, I'm certainly happy that you don't know my name or his because it sounds like you would love to tell him. People have fantasies of doing a lot of things they would never dream of doing. Especially when they are angry and hurt. Why do you assume that I would have actually contacted them (I could have but didn't) or plan to marry him? Truthfully, I have no idea if this can ever work. That is why I started this thread.

And yes, my ex and I have gone to therapy many times over the last four or five years. He ended it (I wanted to continue). Told me and the therapist he was too busy with work.

[Lilyroze]

Well, Lilyroze, I'm certainly happy that you don't know my name or his because it sounds like you would love to tell him. People have fantasies of doing a lot of things they would never dream of doing. Especially when they are angry and hurt. Why do you assume that I would have actually contacted them (I could have but didn't) or plan to marry him? Truthfully, I have no idea if this can ever work. That is why I started this thread.

And yes, my ex and I have gone to therapy many times over the last four or five years. He ended it (I wanted to continue). Told me and the therapist he was too busy with work.

No I have my own life to live and don't get involved in others let alone on a board... . I am an adult with a life and enough on my plate yours is of no concern but the kindness I chose to give when answering someone. I have walked a path and thought my wisdom might help. I was asking as this was one of your questions before. In order to understand I ask questions. I have been involved in DV and a court helper at one point, so I ask. Sorry if it triggered you. I don't care  what you or he do, just if you want advice on the whole picture then that is what I go on.

I just am in the camp it is not healthy to do things like that and expect to have an honest relationship. Especially if you have a PD or the person you are snooping on, you might have a skewed idea of the mate and could really hurt people. So when you ask can this work out, to me with that triangulation and drama, no... .As it will eventually come out and should. Simple. So I try to see where the person is going in order to give a fair answer which I did above. Getting more details helped the picture.

I don't know how you must have felt with him not willing to continue but you tried in counseling. It is not the magic pill but does help, especially if you have years invested or children.

Mine has now asked to go and wants to work it out, you never know which way someone will turn. All you can do is try.

I do have to say I have worked with many children in the  court system, as well as have my own so I always ask about that. It shows me where the mom hats are, and if the people have considered the children in their lives as well. Children need to be the focus before new romances, for them to be healthy as I am sure you know. So that is why the questions, I have seen the hurt and pieces that need picked up.


I wish you well... .

[Narkiss]

Sorry if I sounded snarky. That is exactly what I mean, though. If they always create drama and chaos-- no matter how things are going, because I don't want to let that into my life.

When my husband stopped therapy, it was over. It was probably over before that.