Hi, brand new here.

[nobueno]

Well, it appears as though my 16 yr old daughter may have BPD on top of her clinical depression and anxiety. No one has wanted to talk about a diagnosis until yesterday when a hospital psychiatrist mentioned it and when I brought it up to her treatment coordinator, she said that they don't like to diagnose at the IOP but, yeah, that's what they're thinking. This is so hard to imagine.  She has been a gifted/honors student, plays HS sports, has volunteered where needed, and was pretty much a model kid.

We've been dealing with the surface symptoms for almost 4 years now with therapy and medication via psychiatrist. Now, she has panic attacks almost daily. Hates everyone. Has been hospitalized twice. Has attempted suicide a few weeks ago (could have easily succeeded with the amount/type of pills she took), has a history of cutting, is binge eating, and just accused me of physical abuse so now DCF contacted me yesterday (as I was on my way out of the hospital with her).  Oh -- and she just finished a couple of months at an IOP. She will not speak to any of us unless she really wants something.  Otherwise, she sleeps in her bed 24/7 and if we try to talk to her or ask her to get up or  do something, she screams at us to get out and leave her alone.

I'm just at a loss.  I'm devastated -- especially after the call from DCF.  How could she do this to me especially after all I've done just to try to help her?

Hoping to learn from other experienced parents and find support and encouragement.  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

 So sorry to hear of your daughter accusing you of some sort of abuse.  My d has done this many times I know how deeply it hurts hopefully the dcf will see right through her accusations that is what happened with us .  This is a very severe and sad disease it touches everyone in the family and then some.  Just remember they know not what they do (this is what I tell myself) In our expierence the main anger of our d went towards me and still does to this day .  Have you tried dbt therapy and is she seeing a physh. on a regular basis ? Keep writing on these boards they really help all of us and look to the right for more info on here .  Stay strong and take care of yourself 

[lbjnltx]

Hello nobueno,

I want to join my friend,mggt, in welcoming you to the Parenting Board.

I'm sorry to learn that your d16 isn't progressing with all the treatment she has had.  I too am wondering what kind of therapy she has been in.  Do you learn the same skills she is learning?

My d19 was diagnosed with emerging BPD at age 12, she was also dx with MDD, ODD, anxiety and psychotic features.  We did outpatient CBT with a bit of DBT mixed in and she was on meds for anxiety and depression.  The results were not impressive so we decided to go inpatient RTC longterm and it was our saving grace.

What does the treatment coordinator recommend for the next step? 

The accusations of abuse are troubling.  As soon as my d was dx w/emerging BPD I took the advice from Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and began to keep a daily log of all the interactions I had with my daughter as well as who she was in the presence of that day and what their interaction was like.  Because our kids' feelings=facts to them it is not uncommon for them to feel abused and therefore report being abused.   

Do you have other children in the home?  It is important to protect all the members of the family from accusations as well as protect their emotional/mental wellness.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[nobueno]

Thank you for your responses. It's good to hear from others in a similar situation.  Sorry that we are all here, though.

As far as our family goes ---- My husband and I have been married 22 years. Oldest son is almost 19 (high functioning Aspgerger's) and youngest son is 13.  D16 is in the middle.

What kinds of therapy? Let's see... .D16 has been in individual therapy with several different therapists. Began seeing a psychiatrist almost 4 years ago when we learned from therapist #1 that she was cutting. First hospitalization occurred in April this year when she finally confessed that she was suicidal with a plan to our family therapist.  I relayed that info. to D16's psychiatrist at her next appt. and she sent us straight to the ER where they insisted upon admitting her to their adolescent facility. After that, she entered an IOP program through the hospital with primarily group therapy sessions and Thursday was to be her last day.  However, she had seen a new private therapist (who knows her stuff!) on Wednesday and that's when D16 confessed a recent real suicide attempt. By the grace of God, she didn't succeed.  That therapist told IOP treatment coordinator and disclosed that to me in front of D16. Well, that really set her off and they ended up calling the ambulance to take her to ER for an eval.  Police also had to be called based on her reaction. 

She hates every therapist and now refuses to speak to anyone ever again since they have betrayed her trust.  She hates me and I don't know why.  She had been doing a bit better with her dad but, lately, she's hating him too. 

I've started to try to find a DBT therapist in the area who takes our insurance.  Like finding a needle in the haystack. DCF wants to know what the plan for support is for her ... .Hell if I know!  The IOP is willing to reopen a case for her and she is willing to go back there but insurance remains an issue.

All the therapists and doctors at the IOP told me that if she doesn't learn how to talk and communicate her feelings and be more open with us, this road to feeling better is going to be very very long.  Okay, so how do I MAKE her be open with us?  HUH?  We've been trying for 4 years, people, and I'm doing everything I can (and then some!) and it's not happening.  Everyone tells us that she's just so angry and so guarded.  Yes, she totally is.  Now, what? 

[Gorges]

She hates everyone because she probably hates herself.  Please take care of yourself.  It is a long road.  There is no "cure" for this.  You need to learn to cope so you can enjoy your life.  There is a reading list on this website and the book "loving someone with BPD" is a good one.

Also, from my experience you are in the toughest years.  My daughter is 18 and it does give me a bit of freedom that I feel less responsible for her.

[lbjnltx]

My daughter was very angry and guarded too.  I knew more about what she was thinking, feeling, and wanting than she knew about.  I hope that you can find a DBT program with teen group therapy provided and that your insurance will cover it.  It sucks that $ has to be a determining factor in our children's mental health care.  It is what it is and we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.

Here is a site that has highly trained DBT practitioners listed by state.  I hope it will be helpful to you.

www.behavioraltech.org

If you don't see one close to you, call one that is the closest and ask them for a referral, sometimes it helps.

With all the inpatient, IOP, and coordinators/physicians involved surely someone can get your insurance to cover the DBT... .

lbj

[Yepanotherone]

Hi there, I'm in exactly the same boat as yourself with my DD 16, completely shutting me out . It's like she's completely locked into herself and it worries me greatly . She has been cutting herself badly this week and her legs are just a mess . She's carved words into her thigh  I'm just sitting outside right now with my sunglasses on to hide my tears after yet another unsuccessful attempt to get her to open up to me . After numerous " just get out of my room room please you're just annoying me comments " I've called it quits for now before I burst into tears in front of her , and I've given myself some space .

I told her I know she's been cutting herself badly again ( after a good couple of months of " being clean " and it's not hard to see that because she is wearing a short dress today ! My husband for the first time ever , got pretty much a full view of what she does to herself .

My daughter I think has quiet BPD. She doesn't rage and act out as such  but my gosh she internalizes .

I just said to her " please honey, I'm your mum . I'm not panicking about seeing those fresh cuts I would just like to understand better what is driving you to doing it . I just want to help , I'm your mum and I love you and I want you to feel you can share with me things that are hurting you. I might not react in the best way , I'm learning too , but im trying and I wish you'd give me a shot at trying to help when you need it " . ... .Only met with " congratulations to you. Now. will... You. Just. Get . Out . Of . My . Room . Now !. And shut the door behind you !

If you come up with ideas about how to get your DD to open up to you , please share . I'm all ears ! I've just texted the therapist to ask if we can start some family sessions sooner rather than later because I'm working completely in the dark here and never have a clue what's going on with my DD until I have the police and paramedics banging on my door telling me my daughter has just taken an overdose . This has become the pattern

[nobueno]

Sorry, Yepanotherone, to hear the struggles that you and your daughter are facing. The cutting is horrible.  It sickens me to see the scars and to think about what she must have been feeling to do that ... .I also get angry that she is ruining her body like this, thinking that one day she will be sorry and hate herself more for it.

I appreciate everyone's support, stories, and suggestions.  I'm torn.  In one way, it feels comforting to know that there are other moms who really understand what we're going through ... .but, on the other hand, it makes me sad to think that so many of us are suffering with this situation.

((hugs)) and strength to all.

[Yepanotherone]

The cuts just completely throw me  

I went along to a support group today ran via DBSA which is a national group I believe for bipolar and mood disorders . I found this really useful and will definitely go again . Tonight was for sufferers , friends and family combined . There were a few people there ( adults) who are bipolar though they recognize the similarities with BPD . It was interesting to talk with them and they shared their teenage experiences with me as one question I had for them was " when you were at your lowest and you were self harming , what did you actually want from your parents that would have helped ?" . Their responses were very different , one lady said she wanted her mum to be " all over her , forcing therapy etc on her , and another lady said she absolutely despised her parents as a teen ( even though they were and still are lovely people ) and she was repelled by any effort they made to get involved .

So I guess there is no answer really , every sufferer is different

In any case by DD is in the basement with five friends sleeping over for a movie night and she's as happy as Larry ! Meanwhile I settle down in bed with my bedside reading for the next few nights " stop walking on eggshells "

[nobueno]

That brings up another question I have ... .Do your girls act more or less "normal" in other situations, like say at a friend's house or a small party with their classmates, etc?  My daughter is the most angry and irritable at home, by far.  Is this common or typical?  Is she just putting on an act when in front of school friends?  Or do they really switch it on and off like that? 

[Slipping]

Hi Nobueno,

I'm so glad that you're here too, and like everyone else, sorry that you need to be.  This is a wonderful community and you'll find plenty of support and understanding.

Yes, my daughter was exactly like that when she was in her teens.  I think it's one of the (many) things that make this disorder so confusing for parents.  For years, I just kept thinking that it might be me... .bad parenting.  I would go to parent-teacher conferences and the teacher would talk about her and would just shake my head in disbelief.  They were equally confused when I described what happened at home. I believe it required an enormous effort for her to hold it together when she was with other people. So as soon as she walked through out door and felt safe, she would explode.  And I was the one who was there, so most of her anger was directed at me. For us at least, I didn't feel like it was as much an on-off switch as it was just becoming more and more dysregulated until the emotions became so unbearable that she had to do something, usually raging, to relieve her pain.  Others may have a different experience, though.

My uBPDd29 hasn't been diagnosed and so is untreated.  At this point, it's pretty obvious to anyone that she's around that she's easily dysregulated.  Like your daughter, she's also starting to accuse us of abuse.  She's begun self-harming in the last year as well.  So incredibly discouraging when we have tried so hard. I would second Gorges' recommendation of the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder."  It was a great help to me.

Hugs to you... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders