Closure letter, yes or no? Experiences?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys,

So I've been thinking for a while about my unresolved break up with my exBPD. It happened so quick and so strangely that it still seems surreal. My ex was going through some stuff at the time and her behavior and drinking were so much worse than usual. At the time I just couldn't handle it anymore. Deep deep down I loved her but at the time I was just so done and frustrated with her antics that I became a bad version of myself. I remember trying several times to talk with her and get us on track but every time it seemed to work then a few days later it would all happen again. I became withdrawn and uncaring really the last few weeks, I even was seeing another girl, I was just hurt, angry, and fearful she would end our relationship in some way, which she did, so I wanted to try to date someone else, even though I shouldn't have.

Now we've been broken up for 10 weeks and reality is hitting me hard. I miss her, I miss what we were when times were good. As dysfunctional as she was, she still kept me kind of grounded in a way. I have some emotional problems of my own and I've been handling this break up very poorly. Smoking too much, drinking way too much, recreational drug usage, partying all the time until sunrise, etc. I truly hate what I've become and using these things as some sort of unhealthy coping. It's just the nature of the break up eats away at me. It doesn't make sense to me. It was left unresolved. I know many people including some on here have said closure will never be gotten you have to do it for yourself. But how do you go about that? What do you do?

Anyways back to topic I feel like I really need to write my feelings and what happened with us. And by write I mean I want to send it to her in text, email, or whatever. I feel like she doesn't know what I feel like and I don't know what she feels like so maybe by doing this we will both come to a better understanding and place. More than likely she may not respond, but does it matter as long as she knows? I'm afraid she thinks I'm happy without her or she believes other misconceptions that I want to shed light on to her. She's just so up and down I feel like if she's in one mood it will be received well and if she's in another she won't even read it, who knows. So now those are my thoughts here's a question though, have any of you sent a email/text/letter like this to your exBPD a month or months or even years after your break up? If so what did you say? Did you get anything back from your ex? How did you feel after you did it?


Thanks,

KarmasReal

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

So I've been thinking for a while about my unresolved break up with my exBPD. It happened so quick and so strangely that it still seems surreal. My ex was going through some stuff at the time and her behavior and drinking were so much worse than usual. At the time I just couldn't handle it anymore. Deep deep down I loved her but at the time I was just so done and frustrated with her antics that I became a bad version of myself. I remember trying several times to talk with her and get us on track but every time it seemed to work then a few days later it would all happen again. I became withdrawn and uncaring really the last few weeks, I even was seeing another girl, I was just hurt, angry, and fearful she would end our relationship in some way, which she did, so I wanted to try to date someone else, even though I shouldn't have.

Now we've been broken up for 10 weeks and reality is hitting me hard. I miss her, I miss what we were when times were good. As dysfunctional as she was, she still kept me kind of grounded in a way. I have some emotional problems of my own and I've been handling this break up very poorly. Smoking too much, drinking way too much, recreational drug usage, partying all the time until sunrise, etc. I truly hate what I've become and using these things as some sort of unhealthy coping. It's just the nature of the break up eats away at me. It doesn't make sense to me. It was left unresolved. I know many people including some on here have said closure will never be gotten you have to do it for yourself. But how do you go about that? What do you do?

Anyways back to topic I feel like I really need to write my feelings and what happened with us. And by write I mean I want to send it to her in text, email, or whatever. I feel like she doesn't know what I feel like and I don't know what she feels like so maybe by doing this we will both come to a better understanding and place. More than likely she may not respond, but does it matter as long as she knows? I'm afraid she thinks I'm happy without her or she believes other misconceptions that I want to shed light on to her. She's just so up and down I feel like if she's in one mood it will be received well and if she's in another she won't even read it, who knows. So now those are my thoughts here's a question though, have any of you sent a email/text/letter like this to your exBPD a month or months or even years after your break up? If so what did you say? Did you get anything back from your ex? How did you feel after you did it?


Thanks,

KarmasReal

[Peterpan]

Okay, so it was a bit different for me, we were both married unhappily and I'd had five years of taking me right to the point of saying we would leave our homes to be together, then him backing off with every excuse yet still wanting me in his life. I'd got to where I felt at rock bottom having lowered my boundaries and accepting his flip flopping idea of our relationship status. When I told him he begged and told me he couldn't live without me in his life. I was hurting but love him too much and was do scared of losing him that I  never gave ultimatums, just tried voicing how I felt. A few days later the drama began and he said his wife knew. I'd had this before if I dared to question his intentions so was suspicious of it.

I never knew if it was actually his wife who then sent me threats afterwards, but he'd told me she wasnt bothered and had wanted a divorce for a long time. It didn't make sense to me, as they'd been renovating their house and he'd become, I felt, scared to share intimacy with me but said they shared none either. He left me in a position where I couldn't contact him by phone and didn't attempt to contact me for a whole month. I as totally devastated, but had always said I'd write and leave it somewhere only the two of us knew about. He had other ways to contact me but never did. I can't explain the pain I went through, his last message had said he'd told her it as a short sexual going and that he hadn't seen me for over a year as he was working on his marriage. Completely the opposite of what he been still telling me every time see met that whole year.

I knew he as still at home and because of threats to inform my husband I told him myself first. I spent a whole month of each day with no contact absolutely broken.

One month later at the exact time he would normally txt, I received a message supposing to be from his wife which crushed me. He'd apparently told her solicit intimate details we'd shared. I still found it unbelievable that they were still together and this angry woman had never called me or tried to confront me, it didn't make sense.

At the very same time the message came I had a call thru work, it was him. He calmly asked if I was okay in his usual like loving voice, apparently unaware of the message I'd jst got. I told him my husband knew but not his name or whereabouts and I'd call him to talk later. When I did he wasn't  available.

I couldn't take any more. I spent three days in limbo gutted, scared, confused, but knew I couldn't let it die down and go back like nothing had happened.

I sat in my car in the dark sobbing when I wrote my letter. I knew it would have to be final, and I had to let him know how I felt. At that point I didn't know nor care how he felt, if he'd wanted me to know he would have found a way.

I wrote how I finally knew exactly what I mean to him, as much as he'd been willing to admit to, that I felt as though half of me had died, that five years of claiming me to be the love of his life and then claiming I as a short lived sexual encounter had left me devastated. I'd always been honest with him, loved him and trusted him but that I had to move on knowing I hadn't meant the same to him as he'd claimed. That he'd left me to take all the threats and cruel words after swearing he would always defend me was the final boundary I couldn't forgive him for. I then wished him well.

I literally felt like my heart had been torn in two when I left it for him, he never replied, i didn't expect him to. I don't know to his day if he read it or not. That he didn't try to tell me I was wrong was enough for me to know I wasn't.

I had to write it, he would have just waited til things died down and then kept me dangling as a buddy.

I needed closure and I wasn't gonna get it from him and writing my feelings helped me make a conscious statement that I wasn't going to be picked up at his convenience.

I went over it in my head for weeks wishing I'd said this and that but now sis months later I feel better for stopping the madness with some regained dignity.

[GoingBack2OC]

In short, I don't feel my uBPD soon to be ex or already exGF, reads anything I write her.

If say we are texting, and I write a long text... .think 2 paragraphs. After sending, I will go back up and scan for anything that may have been mistyped.

Faster than I can even quick scan the text, she is typing. (You can tell on the iPhone it shows when the other person is typing/responding).

My point, is, faster than I could even quick scan 2 paragraphs, she's read it, digested it, thought for a moment... .

No she goes right to typing. Perhaps she saw a keyword... .and stuck on that.

I really think, for the most part, they dont listen.

And when they are looking you in the eye, when you are speaking... .they arent listening either. They are closed off, thinking about what they are going to say as soon as they can but in.

If it makes you feel better, to get it out, go for it. But I wouldn't expect them to "realize" anything. There will be no revelation, no epiphany of thought, -- oh wow now I see I was so terrible.

Not going to happen.

[Hopefulgirl]

If it is cathartic to write out your thoughts and feelings do so but in my experience sending it will not help you. You think they will read it and have an epiphany and write back" wow I'm so sorry you have suffered, you are so good to me, please don't take it personally and I miss you terribly". I didn't have closure, and it was wrecking me thinking that if I'd only SAID this or that I wouldn't have been dropped on my head. There is anger, but you don't want to push away. Eventually wrote what I felt in a calm kind but direct way and the return message was so horrible I thought my BPD male friend had been brainwashed by the devil.

Everything I said was turned around back on me. Was defriended, email and number blocked and the guy who said that he had thanked God for me every day ended up making me feel even more terrible which I didn't think was possible. After 3 month silent treatment we became friends again by some miracle.

They can't handle guilt, and sometimes can only strike out or sever.

[HurtinNW]

I've had several versions of the closure letter, and in fact have a newer one on my computer right now. For me it has been fascinating to watch the evolution of my own thoughts and feelings. My first closure letters were either angry or else frankly manipulative (wanting him to feel bad). Then came the good memories one, where I was trying to be the adult. The last one is kind of a survivor letter.

I never send them. Part of me knows that each letter is incomplete. If I sent one I would want to add to it or change it later, as I grow. But more importantly my ex will not "hear" me. He didn't hear me or feel me or see me when we were together, and he lacked any real compassion or care for my feelings. So I don't believe sending him a letter would do any good. It would just open the door for him to blame me some more.

Also I feel this: I had a big love for this man. A huge, deep love for him. I'm not going to mock it with a letter. My sorrow and grief cannot be conveyed in a letter. That would belittle my own sincere, deep, true feelings. I'm not going to shrink down to his level.

Sending you hugs with whatever you decide... .but remember, you don't have to decide now! It never hurts to wait.   

[seenr]

I have written these letters many times before and they have been ridiculed, laughed at,  I have been called crazy, a stalker and she has threatened me with the police for writing one.

In my experience she doesn't care what my feelings are or were. How she felt & her version of history is all she cared about.

[Meili]

Many of us toy with the idea of closure letters. I recently did this. The result has been elightening and painful.

Ask yourself what your motivation actually is to send the letter. Is it just to tell her how you feel? If so, what do you hope that this will accomplish?  If you do send the letter, make sure that you have no, and I mean NO, expectations.  You are setting yourself up for more abuse and pain after all.

How we find closure within ourselves is by focusing on us. What was it about us that kept us with an abuser? Finding forgiveness within ourselves and working to change whatever it was that kept us in these types of r/s will bring you closure.

[LilMe]

Sign me up for the 'write it and don't send it' side!  I am reading a book on healing from abuse right now and I just finished a chapter on this very topic.  The book suggests writing the letter and sitting on it for a month or so, adding things as you think of them.  When you feel like you have written everything you want to share, destroy the letter.  It is supposed to help give you closure.

I haven't even been able to write my letter yet!  It is still too raw and painful to think that deeply about.  I do often want to tell him how I feel and how he has hurt me and my children.  But I realize it would do no good and he would somehow use it against me.

Let us know what you end up doing and how it works out!   

[Meili]

For the record, I wrote my letter, sat on it, and revised it several times before I sent it.

Penning a letter filled with venom and discord about how you were treated will do little more than upset the pwBPD. If that's the intent of the letter, then you won't be doing yourself any favor by sending it. Writing it? Yes. Sending it? No.

In that situation, the thing that needs to happen is that you need to forgive. Not necessarily forgive your abuser, but forgive yourself for being and staying in that situation and the choices that you made.

Healing is about you, not the pwBPD. So, is the letter for/about you or the r/s and its treatment?

[Fr4nz]

Now we've been broken up for 10 weeks and reality is hitting me hard. I miss her, I miss what we were when times were good. As dysfunctional as she was, she still kept me kind of grounded in a way. I have some emotional problems of my own and I've been handling this break up very poorly. Smoking too much, drinking way too much, recreational drug usage, partying all the time until sunrise, etc. I truly hate what I've become and using these things as some sort of unhealthy coping. It's just the nature of the break up eats away at me. It doesn't make sense to me. It was left unresolved. I know many people including some on here have said closure will never be gotten you have to do it for yourself. But how do you go about that? What do you do?

Hey Karma,

I think that writing a closure letter is a pointless exercise. Problem is, their version of reality is so distorted - and possibly fake - that they are going to deny whatever you'll write. It is completely FUTILE. Sad, but true

As a consequence, that's why many users here keep saying that closure must come from ourselves: closure must come from the knowledge of the disorder, as well as from a thorough analysis of their actions/behaviours during the relationship (and their past history).

It is, basically, a puzzle, where we have lots of pieces to put in the right place. At some point, you'll have a complete overview on them.

Over time, as your hearth "aligns" with your rational mind, you will indeed understand that these people are literally sinking ships that repeat the very same dysfunctional behaviours across different relationships... .they are NOT able to learn from their mistakes. Hence, you couldn't do a damn thing to "fix things", and leaving was the only sane, real option you had. You dodged a freaking bullet!

Also, this represents a very important time, since you'll understand what are your quirks, what kept you in such dysfunctional relationship and how to address (and solve) your own issues.

[VitaminC]

You think they will read it and have an epiphany and write back" wow I'm so sorry you have suffered, you are so good to me, please don't take it personally and I miss you terribly".

Everything I said was turned around back on me.

They can't handle guilt, and sometimes can only strike out or sever.

Sorry to say it, but I agree.

I tried, over months, to both write and talk about stuff. To explain how I felt, thinking that's what was missing for my exBPD. The conversations mostly went pearshaped as I ended up explaining the most basic principles of human emotion - as if talking to a robot or alien. I have a pretty strong analytical bent, and part of me enjoyed having to reason everything out and truly examine ever smaller particles.

But from time to time, I would think (or say) 'hang on a moment, this is really not that complicated. In fact, it's kind of basic for humans above the age of 3'.   

As time wore on, I felt less and less that he actually engaged even in that computer simulation way, and just looked for counter-examples or told me that I was lying (to him or myself).

Eventually, it seemed that most of the things I had revealed or tried to explain were thrown back at me in some malicious way to prove me wrong. Or else, whatever I had 'accused' him of, he now accused me of. Sometimes word for word.  It was a very bizarre and unsettling experience.

Because I'm nothing if not prepared to look at myself in detail, I examined his views as if they were actually his own. They weren't. He was recycling mine and flinging them around himself like some kind of weapons.  It led to a lot of confusion and self-doubt for me. And a lot of putting up with extraordinarily crap treatment.

The lack of simple kindness or care was and is still shocking.

I would never put into any written document another word to him. Because I know he would find a way to turn it around or just call me a liar. I think he would read it, now, as it's been 9 weeks since we've had any contact (hurray, me!), just out of curiosity, to see if I have finally come to my senses and am prepared to confess how guilty and awful and culpable I am. Any suggestion I might make (as I have in the past) that in any way contributed to our toxic dynamic would be taken as a acceptance of full responsibility. Any suggestion I might make that we just brought out the most vulnerable and pained selves in each other, would not be understood. Any suggestion I might make that he had done a single thing to hurt me (and, man, there were a few doozies) would be taken as unfair accusation, my rage, my blindness, etc.

There's no closure, no peace, not with someone like that.

I know, becaus I tried for months and finally was able to leave for good when I saw that it would never ever be enough and that this person just did not care how I felt at all and only seemed to want to win the battle at all costs.

I cycle between pangs of missing the couple of loved-up months I had, the days of closeness and excitement here and there, contempt for the hateful and vicious behaviour, and pity for the self-destructive, messed up child that is in charge of the body of a 43 year old man.

Sorry, that was my experience.

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

Thanks for all of your replies, most were pretty much congruent with what I figured to hear back. To address some of what all have said I will try to be a little more open about the letter and my thoughts.

First I don't intend it to be anything malicious to her at all, quite the contrary I want her to know how I truly felt underneath our dysfunction, if that makes sense. She was full on BPD irrational, cruel, alway drunk; for the last few weeks before we split and I was coping in negative ways of ignoring her, acting cold towards her because her behavior hurt, leaving several times when she had an outburst episode. The way we were those last few weeks was just a complete negative of your relationship, we had many incredible times and it feels like those have been pushed aside due to our horrible end. I want to remember them, tell her how we were and how I felt, that we had fun, loved, shared! I don't want this bad to overwhelm all the good we shared it feels like it makes this entire relationship a fraud, and it wasn't.

I truly don't know how she feels now, since we haven't talked in over 2 months. I don't know if she's moved on, happy, sad, wants to hear from me or never wants to see me again. So I really don't have expectations from emailing her, maybe she will say something maybe not, honesty I hope to hear but either way it feels important to share that with her, because I honestly don't know what she thinks about me, I don't want her to think I feel or am something I'm not.

She was going through some rough times during our relationship, which made things all the harder. I want to convey how those things felt to me, how she felt, not whatever story she's assuming about how I acted and how we ended. Despite her behaviors she was like a counterpart of me, we went together, I still feel that. Sometimes I think she tries to put me "out of sight out of mind" to deal with this, she's said similar things like that before. I want this letter to remind her in real, I'm still here, I felt for her things she did not even see or know. I feel like if I do that I can lay down in peace at night knowing the truth is out, she knows it, I know it, I loved her, I didn't want us to go through this, I wanted love and happiness for her and us. I don't think me saying how we had miscommunication and difficult times but this is how I feel about you can be turned against me. Whether she believes it or not she will see how I feel about everything and she will always know. The point of now is she could be thinking I wanted to break up with her and never see her, she could think I'm happy now, I want her to know that's not what I wanted, I want her to know my truth not whatever story she believes from how we actually broke up.

I probably will take a while to write it out and revise it several times. I don't want to play the blame game with her, I just want her to know the truth about how I felt and what I wanted for us. Maybe then I can get some peace just knowing that she knows it was love for me, it was real.

[steelwork]

it feels important to share that with her, because I honestly don't know what she thinks about me, I don't want her to think I feel or am something I'm not.

I know how horrible it is to perseverate on the wrong ideas your ex has about you and your feelings. Oh yes, I do. That's the main reason I get to wanting to send a letter. But I come back to this: even if I sent a letter, I'd still have no control over how he interpreted it. I bow down before his powers of distortion.

Like HurtinNW, I've written lots of letters that I didn't send, and I too have seen how much they've changed over time. My own understanding has evolved, and the emphasis on this or that emotion changes, and my feelings toward my ex change. So I guess that's something else to consider. It would be different if I were in an ongoing relationship with him: the pressure would be off for it to be the "last word".  So that's another reason I haven't sent him a letter.

[VitaminC]

I bow down before his powers of distortion.

I think that's kind of key.

Once I recognized that his powers of distortion trumped anything I could say or do, well, i was finally able to declare myself out of the game.

But with regard to KarmasReal, I respect your intent and desire to be seen and to honour the good memories you have and share that with the person who is an integral part of them.

With a healthy person, that is a healthy motivation and healthy thing to do.

You can do it, write the letter, just for yourself, if you really feel the need. As long as your expectations of it achieving anything in particular are nil, you will have done something pure and done it purely. Why not.

Just be aware of any secret expectations you may have. Hopes are one thing, but expectations are a different order of stuff.

Take care.

[Meili]

I originally wrote a long response addressing several, specific things that struck me from your post KR. But, I realized that I was probably projecting some of my own fears and angst onto your situation.

Wanting the things that you want to achieve from the letter makes perfect sense. It's something that is normal to desire. If you decide to write the letter, it is my wish that you will keep in mind that pwBPD react strangely (to put it nicely) and get scared with intimacy.

[Hopefulgirl]

I would be interested to have the perspective of someone with BPD or a recovered person with BPD on this matter. Maybe some relish the fact when you have written to them and some others completely panic.  I like what VitaminC said. Scary,its like we have the exact same BPD friend.

[KarmasReal]

Hey Meili,

What fears or angst have you been feeling about this subject, they probably are many I'm facing as well.

Also to everyone,

I tried for several hours to write out some rough draft, it was much harder than I anticipated. I know what I feel and what I want to get across, but finding the words is so hard. Like how do I capture the great times and feelings we had, along with addressing the problems between us, and do it all in a way that's not blaming or sounds like I'm sucking up. So difficult! And the fact that we haven't talked in so long makes things even more worrisome, I don't think I will get a rage from her, she was more cruel and passive agressive than that. I guess it will either be she's happy to hear from me and what I say or she won't care and I'll never hear anything about it, I just would want her to know what it's intended for and not think I'm being manipulative or trying to persuade her to get back together. I want her to know what I felt and why I did what I did, what I thought, what she does with that is all up to her.

[Meili]

My fears and angst centered around my motivation to send the letter. When I wrote my first draft, I tried to kid myself and say that my motives were pure and that I only wanted to apologize for my part in what transpired and how the r/s ended.

After I wrote it, I sat on it and then reread it. I realized that I spent a lot of time focusing on the magical part of the r/s and less on my accountability. "I'm sorry. If only you could remember... .If only you knew... .If only you could see... ." types of things. In short, it was about my wanting to convince her to reconcile.

Subsequent drafts removed much of those types of statements as each time I read what I wrote, I realized that no matter what I was claiming, I was writing it to convince her to come back. Even the final draft that I sent contained statements designed for that purpose.

The results were mixed. She accepted my apology. She agreed that neither is over the other. She acknowledged that she loves me still and will probably until she dies. She even told me that she would have come running back to me that instant if it wasn't for a something that I had injected into the r/s that created an impenetrable wall (I have since removed that obstacle, not for my x, but because I could see the damage that it caused to my life and r/s).

But, there was something very important missing from all of the dialog that followed. She never once even hinted that she caused any real problems. Nothing had changed. I had no reasonable expectation that anything would, so I wasn't shocked. All of the BPD signs were still present. She continued to act just as she did when we were together. Her last words to me were even a carrot being dangled in front of me about the hope of a future together.

So, at the end of the day, I was able to make my apologies and forgive myself. (I could have done that without sending the letter though.) I learned a lot about what I had done to the r/s that I hadn't seen. I learned changed that I need to incorporate in my future. And, most importantly, I reset all of the pain and misery that I felt after the break-up. I won't say that the pain was worth it right now. The gifts that she gave me will be someday. For now though, I am back to suffering.

[KarmasReal]

Hmm Meili,

You make some good points. Much of what I wrote in my drafts contain a lot of special memories we had, like I'm trying to remind her what we used to be, in fact I'm reminding both of us, our break up was just really bad and it will ruin my memories of us and maybe hers, that's really my intent with this, if we hd a decent break up that was talked out and ended on better terms I would never consider this, I just want it to end better and this is the only way I know how, I'm not going to go see her or try to call or text, that's just too much, I feel like I can just send this and forget it and know I have done and said everything I could do for us, if I do that I can lay my head down knowing there was nothing left unsaid or not expressed from me to her.

[Leonis]

My ex and I had a closure letter when she had her hiccup last August.

It didn't lead to the end... .instead, we continued our relationship for at least another 6-7 months.

[Meili]

And, that's why I drafted mine. I wanted to be sure that there was nothing more that I could have done to try to make it all work. Here's what happened though... .

I finally sent the letter. I tried to forget about it. Then I started to wonder if she had read it and just hadn't responded. Or, had she thrown it away? Or, had it not arrived or had she just not checked her mail? Or, had she read it and laughed at me? Or, had she read it and passed it around to all of her friends to laugh at me? Or, did she roll her eyes and hand it to her new supply so that she could offer "proof" of how pathetic I am? Or, did I say the wrong things? Too much of one, and not enough of the other? All of the "what if's" that I had been struggling with when we separated started to come back, but in the form of questions about the letter. I finally broke down and sent her a text message asking about the letter.

My point is that there will always be questions. We will always wonder if we could have done something more; longing for that one last chance to try to "make it right." The only way to push those thoughts back is to not give in to our emotional impulses. We have to trust that there will never be enough that we can do. We have to trust that we did the best that we could at the time. We have to let go of the notion that perhaps the next thing that we try will work. If we don't, we're stuck.

[KarmasReal]

I always will think there was something more I could hve done. But I know that I need to do this. Whether I have questions about did she get it, read it, what she thinks, will she respond. I'll take those because I need to get this off my chest.

[GoingBack2OC]

I have posted this in the past... .and received a lot of great comments and messages from people here on the forum about it.

I didn't really realize it until now... .Now that we are over, and now seeing this thread.

But this film was my break up letter, written three years before she would actually break my heart.

I knew.

You can view the film I produced, a short 2 minute story of "Us" at the link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289002.msg12777642#msg12777642