My story

[jrharvey]

Hello everyone. After a year and a half of dating my girlfriend Im realizing she has all the symptoms of someone with BPD. There has been no professional diagnosis because she refuses to see a counselor. We were seeing a counselor before but she did not like him because he asked too many questions about her past and focused on her more than me. I think she felt exposed and uncomfortable.

When we started dating everything was heaven. She was the most caring, loving, thoughtful, sexy, sexual and funny girl I have ever met. I use to tell people she acted like it was her job to make me happy because thats exactly what it felt like. Ive had probably 20 girlfriends and NONE even came close. I felt like I found "the one". I thought a lot of that was a bit odd but she is actually from another country "Vietnam" and I heard so many stories that its actually just the culture and that is how girls are raised to be. I figured it was just part of who she was. The turning point was 6 months after we started seeing each other. During the first 6 months things were great but she seemed to keep her distance and made it clear we should not move too fast. She never brought up being exclusive and kept many details about her very secretive. While I did think she was the greatest thing in my life I made a stupid mistake of continuing to stay in contact with my ex and even hung out with her in a platonic way which I did not communicate because I felt like it was my privacy and my right. She found out and that's when things took a turn for the worse. I did cut contact with my ex but it was already too late.

I spent the next 6 months thinking that all her behaviors were my fault that I caused. She constantly blamed her rages and violence on what I had done. Nothing was her fault. Even physical violence or trying to hit me with glass bottles or stab me with a knife. No matter what I said she always said it was wrong but she did it because I made her feel that way. I started to realize that her actions were waaaayyyy above and beyond the punishment of what I had done and something else was going on.

Below are some things that happened that make me think she has BPD... .

1. She is constantly flipping between incredible love to screaming and hate.

2. She is incredibly insecure and fabricates stories in her head then projects that anger onto me.

3. She has raged at me for something I did in her dream. She had a dream I let some girls have sex with me on the couch.

4. She has accused me of not loving her because I waited 1 minute to text back while I was at work.

5. She wanted me to cut contact with a female friend I have known from high school for 15 years that lives in another state and is married. This friend was always nice and appropriate. We talked once a month or twice a month max.

6. She raged at me for mentioning I wanted to go on a ski trip with another guy friend. I asked her to go and she didn't want to. She accused me of going to meet and have sex with girls on this ski trip. I canceled the trip.

7. When I do nice things for her she finds fault in them. I once made her breakfast with steak and bread then later that night she said I didnt love her because I didnt make eggs. She acted like it was such a horrible thing and I didnt care that she went to ihop and had to buy eggs.

8. She checks my phone daily.

9. She once got physically violent by punching and slapping me because I talked to my mom for an hour. She kept saying I was talking to some other girl and changed the number in my phone. Thats not even possible. I tried to logically explain how its not possible and even called my carrier to confirm and she did not believe any of it. She called the customer service person a liar and accused them of trying to save me.

10. She got physically violent because I took a picture of our dinner one night and it happened to have another girl in the picture. We both take pics of food all the time and she has tons of pics of random things with guys in it. Trying to explain this to her made her angry and violent and I actually had to call the police because she was breaking my belongings.

11. She threatens breaking up all the time or moving away but if I accept or leave the house she freaks out and gets incredibly insecure. One time she got violent with me and I left to go stay with a friend and she begged and pleaded for me to come back. She called about 20 times begging me not to abandon her.

12. When she rages she puts me down, calls me names and talks about other guys to make me jealous or hurt me.

13. She ask 100 questions when she gets home from work. She isnt asking to know how my day was. She is probing to find things to get upset about or rage about. I get very uncomfortable when she does this and sometimes she gets very mad just because i am not comfortable with the questions. She is constantly asking why? If I am watching TV she wants to know why. If I wash my car she wants to know why. Logical answers dont please her. Answering with "My car is dirty and needs cleaning" doesnt work. She wants to know why today. Why not go to a car wash. Why am I so weird? Is there another girl helping me? Am I there with another girl?

14. When we are together for a while things are amazing. They are the best. When we are apart she gets insecure and starts fabricating stories about all these things I could be doing. Even going to the gym she has said I could be having sex with some girls at the gym.

15. She makes incredible demands and says she NEEDS them to feel secure. She wanted access to my facebook and email. She wants to check my phone all the time. She wants me to take pictures of everywhere I go with the GPS and time stamp on them. She wants a GPS app showing our locations at all time.

16. She doesn't want me to leave. Ever. I haven't visited my family in fear that she will say that I am abandoning her and dont love her anymore.

17. She accused me of not loving her because I didnt make her soup when she was sick. I asked her 3 times to let me make her soup and she swore she didnt want it. I did so many other things like take her to the doctor, buy medicine, carry her to bed and physically give her medicine. Not forcing her to eat soup to her means I dont care enough and must not love her.

18. Once she told me she was sleepy so I kissed her and said goodnight. Then she raged at me later because I didnt try to have sex with her. Even if I was trying to be understanding to her that she was tired she understood my lack of sexy time as proof that I am losing interest in her and dont love her anymore.

19. Every time she takes a shower she gets pissy with me when she gets out. If I am watching TV thats weird. If I am on the computer then I must be emailing or texting some girls. If I am on my phone then I must be talking to girls. If I am just laying there staring at the ceiling I must have done something wrong because I am acting weird.

20. She tried to commit suicide once with pills. I made her throw up. She did this because I told her that my ex was blocked on my phone. I realized I just got a new phone that week and when she looked the number was not blocked and I knew it was trouble. I tried explaining this was a new phone and calm her down but she thought it must mean we are still hanging out and talking.

21. She threatened that if I ever left her in the future after we got married she would kill herself.

22. Some days she is telling me I am the man of her dreams and she wants to marry me and have kids and the next day she is packing all her stuff and threatening to move out. 23. None of her rages last more than 6 hours. Usually after she feels better she thinks I am crazy for not feeling better. Its like I was just in a tornado and she expects me to be fine now. If I try to talk about what happened she says I am too much of a baby and too sensitive or I cannot move on.

These are actually just a few things but gives a good idea of why I think she is BPD. I HOPE she is not but I have read the book "stop walking on eggshells" and it fits her exactly like a glove. She thinks that ALL of this is because of my ex and if I had only been good to her we would have a perfect relationship.

This is the ironic and disturbing thing that kills me. She was actually dating another guy at the same time she was dating me. She continued to contact him until 10 months into our "dating". Much longer than me and my ex had contact. She has also lied and tried to hide talking to other guys. When exposed she pushes blame back on me and says its all my fault or that I am worse. In actuality I believe what she has done is much worse but she cannot see it that way. She is the definition of a hypocrite. She makes all these rules she wants me to follow but she breaks them all the time herself. She puts impossible standards on me that do not apply to her. She can act cold and distant and push me away when I am affectionate then accuse me of not being affectionate and not loving her.

Before finding out about BPD I was going nuts. It was a roller coaster. I blamed myself because I could not make sense of any of her actions. I figured she must have a reason and maybe I am not doing something right.

To make things worse I MAY be a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies. A lot of people confirm this about me. My ex mentioned that to me before and I thought she was just crazy. Im very lost and dont know what reality is. It would be so strange to find out I am the crazy one but who knows.

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[BestVersionOfMe]

She sounds like a real charmer!  It is your choice whether you want to pursue this women or not, and I'm not one to persuade you.  I know for me that I wouldn't tolerate someone slapping me or hitting me ever!  That is a clear crossing of my personal boundary and I wouldn't tolerate it.  So the question is why are you with her?  What is it about you that thinks that being in a relationship with someone that hits you is enjoyable?  You are a human being, right?  How are you benefiting from the relationship?  I could see if you had a family and kids and friends and family and decided to work on improving your relationship, but why if you are just dating?  Why not find a girl that appreciates you vs abuses you?

[jrharvey]

She sounds like a real charmer!  It is your choice whether you want to pursue this women or not, and I'm not one to persuade you.  I know for me that I wouldn't tolerate someone slapping me or hitting me ever!  That is a clear crossing of my personal boundary and I wouldn't tolerate it.  So the question is why are you with her?  What is it about you that thinks that being in a relationship with someone that hits you is enjoyable?  You are a human being, right?  How are you benefiting from the relationship?  I could see if you had a family and kids and friends and family and decided to work on improving your relationship, but why if you are just dating?  Why not find a girl that appreciates you vs abuses you?

There is no more slapping or hitting. I actually made her move out of the house because she did it several times for reasons that didn't make sense or were made up in her head. I broke up with her. Not long after that she was apologizing and telling me how wrong she was and how she would never do that again. Its actually been true. She hasn't gotten violent since then. Im with her still because I only recently understand whats really going on. It was all so confusing before and I thought there must be a reason she is acting this way. I kept searching for a reason and she always told me it was because of what happened with my ex a year ago but that still doesn't make sense to me. Especially when she has done the same things or even worse. When things are good they are amazing. They are the things out of love stories and movies. She makes me feel incredibly loved but unfortunately the push/pull is killing me. I cannot rely on her love anymore. Even if something bad happens to me and I am sad about that I cannot count on her to be there for me. She may bring up some fictitious insecurity she has and pound me to death about that when I am already sad about something going on in my life and her lack of empathy pushes me over the edge and I get angry.