My new baby girl will be born this week

[drummerboy5]

My new daughter will be born in a few days and all tho I'm excited I'm scared to death to see her mother. I havent seen my exBPD since feb and have been blocked out of the pregnancy 100% My exBPD would go silent for a month and pop back up for a few days, but when I called her out on her behaviors Boom blocked again. The last block was April and haven't spoke since.

I'm very worried about seeing my exBPD as I don't know how my emotions will be, mad,sad,hate? I know I'll love the child, but since I've been out of the pregnancy and watching the baby grow and move in the womb I'm having a hard time with the reality and it's almost baby time.

I have a lot of hurt and mixed emotions towards my exBPD right now and feel like when I go to see our daughter my emotions will be in shock and I won't be able to handle all the happiness, hate exploding at once.

I'm very confused and need support right now. Thank you

[seenr]

Hi there,

I have a lot of experience with this as the same thing happened with my Son. I missed the last three months of his pregnancy and in hindsight was really a mix of emotions when he came along. The joy, absolute joy of his birth was balanced with the difficulty of dealing with his mum.

In hindsight, I regret a lot of my actions. Despite trying to get 'back' into the pregnancy and have a stable relationship, his Mum wouldn't let me and I was unhappy about that. I regret saying or doing anything negative or that might have made her feel uncomfortable when he was born. I could have handled it better.

That said, a few other things cropped up:

Wasn't allowed to see him being born

Was told not to bother coming to see him the day after

Wasn't allowed bring him home from the hospital

Had to get out of the room if friends called etc

Was accused of disrespecting her friend, but her friend met me alone later & we hugged, she said she had no hard feelings etc

All I'd say to you is play it cool. Don't let your anger (which is understandable) spoil what is going to be a special time for you. Bond with the child asap and make sure she knows you are there from day one. Long term, you need to make sure you see your daughter regularly, work out payments, your child's surname, lots to consider. But trust me, as someone who has been there & if your ex is BPD, don't make things worse, be polite, be warm hearted and remember, this is a great time - becoming a Dad was the greatest day of my life.

Try to enjoy it, best of luck :-)

[drummerboy5]

Hi there,

I have a lot of experience with this as the same thing happened with my Son. I missed the last three months of his pregnancy and in hindsight was really a mix of emotions when he came along. The joy, absolute joy of his birth was balanced with the difficulty of dealing with his mum.

In hindsight, I regret a lot of my actions. Despite trying to get 'back' into the pregnancy and have a stable relationship, his Mum wouldn't let me and I was unhappy about that. I regret saying or doing anything negative or that might have made her feel uncomfortable when he was born. I could have handled it better.

That said, a few other things cropped up:

Wasn't allowed to see him being born

Was told not to bother coming to see him the day after

Wasn't allowed bring him home from the hospital

Had to get out of the room if friends called etc

Was accused of disrespecting her friend, but her friend met me alone later & we hugged, she said she had no hard feelings etc

All I'd say to you is play it cool. Don't let your anger (which is understandable) spoil what is going to be a special time for you. Bond with the child asap and make sure she knows you are there from day one. Long term, you need to make sure you see your daughter regularly, work out payments, your child's surname, lots to consider. But trust me, as someone who has been there & if your ex is BPD, don't make things worse, be polite, be warm hearted and remember, this is a great time - becoming a Dad was the greatest day of my life.

Try to enjoy it, best of luck :-)

I've been out of the pregnancy for 7 1/2 months. She's already named the child and told me she wasn't going to give her my last name. She said I was allowed at hospital but not in the room during birth. It's BS since I've paid 1/2 her co pay which is thousands of dollars.

My ex if diagnosed BPD with narc traits. I have a feeling that she will alienate the child from me as soon as she is born just like she has the pregnancy.

[seenr]

I hear you my Man.

But I'm 3 years further down the road than you are (my ex hasn't been diagnosed with ant condition) and I'm just trying to give a fellow struggler advice.

OK I am guessing I am in a different jurisdiction to you so where I live, I could do nothing about the child's surname. I was also told I could be in the hospital but not the ward and in hindsight, that really hurt. I missed maybe the first hour of his life, but still when I saw him, he was the most beautiful sight I'd ever witnessed on earth, so be prepared for a change in your feelings.

Money - yes I paid money too, but in hindsight, that wasn't a problem. Your kids are worth gold, well done, you have done your duty so far but now you will want to bond with your child.

Have you had counselling or therapy for missing out on the pregnancy? I didn't have it during the pregnancy but in hindsight I am sorry I didn't. I was very angry at being forced out & given no information. I was blamed for the relationship issues during the pregnancy & I felt very frustrated two months before he was born until he came along.

She seems to be trying to hurt you & having been there, done that, I allowed that hurt to get to me. I should have focused on getting as much time with my Son as possible. These days, he means so much to me and I do think I have missed enough of his life to date.

I understand your hurt, I really do.

I've been out of the pregnancy for 7 1/2 months. She's already named the child and told me she wasn't going to give her my last name. She said I was allowed at hospital but not in the room during birth. It's BS since I've paid 1/2 her co pay which is thousands of dollars.

My ex if diagnosed BPD with narc traits.

[drummerboy5]

I'm in therapy and it has helped. Yes my exBPD is hurting me because I proposed and got treated like crap afterwards so I left, but still wanted to be apart of the pregnancy being I'm a decent man. I have other childeren and have never gone through anything like this... It breaks my heart that my exBPD took away my memories of watching the belly grow because I wouldn't tolerate her verbal abuse towards me anymore...

I will suck it up and be nice because I'm a nice person,but I'm there for the child and not the mother.

[seenr]

I understand. I didn't look after myself when this happened to me. I thought I could manage it but about 4 months after he was born the whole thing hit me like a train. I'd missed out on a lot and began to feel negative about myself to the point of self loathing. Everything my ex said to me too made me feel like a horrible person. But I look back now and see that a lot of the abuse I faced before he was born continued afterwards. I actively tried to get the relationship back up & running afterwards & it just made things worse as one accusation I constantly got was that I was only there for him (got that from both her & her daughter).

I wasn't - I was there as I loved her, loved her daughter & our son and loved being a family. As hard as I tried - she didn't want to know about my feelings, everything was about her. To her credit, she is the reason we have a fantastic little chap but some of the abuse that came before & since has just cut me in two.

I'm glad you are in therapy and I hope all goes well.

I'm in therapy and it has helped. Yes my exBPD is hurting me because I proposed and got treated like crap afterwards so I left, but still wanted to be apart of the pregnancy being I'm a decent man. I have other childeren and have never gone through anything like this... It breaks my heart that my took away my memories of watching heart belly grow because I wouldn't tolerate her verba abuse towards me anymore...

I will suck it up and be nice because I'm a nice person,but I'm there for the child and not the mother.

[Fie]

Hello and congratulations !   

Regardless of the BPD mum, this event is wonderful, so try to enjoy it !

Maybe you can keep a diary with events and feelings written down for later ? I am sure you are going to have  a lot of conflicting emotions, so maybe this will help you make sense out of everything ?

Of  maybe you can make some sort of diary with pictures, ... of your new baby, to give to him later. So he knows you were happy with him being there ? (I did that for my child) So when times get stressy for you, you have something positive to focus on ?

Did you consider reaching out for legal advice on how to make sure your child will be in your life ?

[Leonis]

Congratulations!

Yeah, I would seek some legal advice about how to deal with the mum. I would most definitely keep a meticulous record such as a diary so your child would gain a greater understanding of the entire situation somewhere down the road.

I wouldn't know how to handle it if my ex told me that she's pregnant. Chances are, she might be due to some of the bad choices we made post-breakup, but I wouldn't know since she's cut off contact for the N-th time since everything supposedly ended early May and it's only been two weeks since she's made the statement again.

[drummerboy5]

Hello and congratulations !   

Regardless of the BPD mum, this event is wonderful, so try to enjoy it !

Maybe you can keep a diary with events and feelings written down for later ? I am sure you are going to have  a lot of conflicting emotions, so maybe this will help you make sense out of everything ?

Of  maybe you can make some sort of diary with pictures, ... of your new baby, to give to him later. So he knows you were happy with him being there ? (I did that for my child) So when times get stressy for you, you have something positive to focus on ?

Did you consider reaching out for legal advice on how to make sure your child will be in your life ?

I agree and I'm really excited to meet my daughter...

[Fie]

I am sure she will be excited to meet you, too.

Having a BPD mum, she will need a supporting dad in her life.

[drummerboy5]

I am sure she will be excited to meet you, too.

Having a BPD mum, she will need a supporting dad in her life.

I agree...

[Leonis]

I agree...

Is your ex even going to let you see her?

[drummerboy5]

I agree...

Is your ex even going to let you see her?

She sent me a thank you card after I sent her clothes and diapers. My exBPD said I was more than welcome to wait in waiting room but I was not allowed in the room during birth

[Fie]

If you are interested in being in your baby's life as much as possible, you might want to search for legal advise.

In my country it is much more difficult to state that you are the dad years after the birth, especially in case if there was little to no  contact with the child. So you might want to 'take advantage' of the mellow state of mum  after birth to set out your rights ?