I set a boundary. She broke it. Now what?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted here about something that happened last night.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295675.0

I set a very clear boundary about no physical violence. As you can see I tried to calmly leave the situation but got sucked in with her when she started slamming things. I should have stayed away but it made me angry that she got violent and broke my door. I did instigate but when she got violent with me and escalated to physical abuse that was crossing my boundary. I made it very clear several times no violence. And of course I made things worse by getting violent back. Now Im lost and dont know what to do.

She is appologizing and acting loving and sweet and asking me to please not hate her. I dont feel any hate. I dont even feel disrespected now. I feel like its the BPD getting out of control and not her. For some reason it doesnt feel like that was her and Im not mad at all.

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker. I want kids and I dont want her hitting them. Is there any hope at all? She already told me before she would never get violent again. She would never lay a hand on me again. And of course it happened. And there was no good reason. Absolutely no good reason at all. This should have never happened but it did.

I love her. I wish she could change. I wish she was different. I dont know what to do. I know I cant fix her. I cant make her change. I get this weird feeling she actually enjoyed me attacking her back. She actually had a smile on her face like she was enjoying it. That scares the crap out of me. What has happened?

Ive already expressed how important it was to me. Ive already said we can not get married with violence in this relationship and she plowed through my boundary. I read the tools on how to set boundaries but I dont really understand what to do now. I dont know if there is anything I can do. Everything I find online is about communication and if that doesnt work then leave. Now Im stuck at a point where it feels like leaving is the only option. And I cant help but just think about how I love her. Im lost and not sure what to do.

[jrharvey]

I posted here about something that happened last night.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295675.0

I set a very clear boundary about no physical violence. As you can see I tried to calmly leave the situation but got sucked in with her when she started slamming things. I should have stayed away but it made me angry that she got violent and broke my door. I did instigate but when she got violent with me and escalated to physical abuse that was crossing my boundary. I made it very clear several times no violence. And of course I made things worse by getting violent back. Now Im lost and dont know what to do.

She is appologizing and acting loving and sweet and asking me to please not hate her. I dont feel any hate. I dont even feel disrespected now. I feel like its the BPD getting out of control and not her. For some reason it doesnt feel like that was her and Im not mad at all.

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker. I want kids and I dont want her hitting them. Is there any hope at all? She already told me before she would never get violent again. She would never lay a hand on me again. And of course it happened. And there was no good reason. Absolutely no good reason at all. This should have never happened but it did.

I love her. I wish she could change. I wish she was different. I dont know what to do. I know I cant fix her. I cant make her change. I get this weird feeling she actually enjoyed me attacking her back. She actually had a smile on her face like she was enjoying it. That scares the crap out of me. What has happened?

Ive already expressed how important it was to me. Ive already said we can not get married with violence in this relationship and she plowed through my boundary. I read the tools on how to set boundaries but I dont really understand what to do now. I dont know if there is anything I can do. Everything I find online is about communication and if that doesnt work then leave. Now Im stuck at a point where it feels like leaving is the only option. And I cant help but just think about how I love her. Im lost and not sure what to do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI jrharvey

I ran across this information about handling distress.  It has suggestions that your partner could find helpful, if she would consider them.  You can bring help to her, but only she can choose to try and help herself and follow advice.

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

The bottom line is if she won't acknowledge she has a problem and works on gathering some coping skills, you will likely just get more of the same.  Promises, without action to support them, can't be met.  

Although BPD can be a combination of genetics and environment,  it would be possible that if you had children with your partner, children could inherit genetics to lead them to have BPD.  That isn't to say that it would happen, but you have to think about possibilities or having both a wife and children with BPD.

[Herodias]

You set a boundary, but did you tell her? If so, what were the consequences of overstepping the boundary? Whatever they are, you have to abide by them. If you do not, they will continue to get trampled on. Sometimes we set what we want to be a boundary, but we do not act on them. This allows us to continue to be trampled on like a door mat. You have to stick with your own rules or don't make them.

[Meili]

Yes, inconsistency with enforcing boundaries is a death nail. If you do not carry through with the consequences of the boundaries, the pwBPD will continue to ignore them.

[guitarguy09]

If it's this way now, it will not get better after getting married or having kids. Those things can be added stresses. I would definitely enforce that boundary, or if she continues breaking it, consider something more drastic. It's your life too, don't suffer if it's not working.

[HopefulDad]

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker.

Full stop after that.  Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't.  Your call.  If what I highlighted indeed is true, then you know exactly how to enforce your boundaries moving forward.

[Skip]

I posted here about something that happened last night.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295675.0

I set a very clear boundary about no physical violence. As you can see I tried to calmly leave the situation but got sucked in with her when she started slamming things. I should have stayed away but it made me angry that she got violent and broke my door. I did instigate but when she got violent with me and escalated to physical abuse that was crossing my boundary. I made it very clear several times no violence. And of course I made things worse by getting violent back. Now I'm lost and don't know what to do.

Couple of thoughts.

1. The cardinal rule on values/boundaries is that we must "walk the talk", impeccably - if we don't believe to our own value/boundary, why would anyone else believe it?

2. Violence doesn't start when the first punch is thrown, there is typically a pattern leading up to it.  Its important to recognize the cloud formation and take defensive action.

3. Daylight is the best cure for this type of behavior.  If when it happens, let others know.  Like meeting with her and her parents to talk about what to do when the cloud pattern starts to form.

[jrharvey]

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker.

Full stop after that.  Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't.  Your call.  If what I highlighted indeed is true, then you know exactly how to enforce your boundaries moving forward.

I told her it can never happen again. I didnt say I would leave her if it happened again but I did say it cant happen again. She said she understood. She said she was ashamed and would never let it happen again.  I believed her. Now its happened again. Everything in my body tells me to fix this. It feels wrong to just leave. Even now. Even though she absolutely destroyed my boundaries. Even now when she says she hit me because of what i said to her and not taking responsibility for her own actions I still somehow want to fix this. I dont know how though. I dont know if it can be fixed. I just wish it could be. I wish there was something I could do to enforce good behavior and put down bad behavior. I must live in a fantasy world. I must be crazy to think I can do something to change her. I admit I am not thinking right but I wish there was some way. If I wasnt a year and a half in to this relationship id walk away. We live together. We have some of the most amazing and loving moments. But then this happens. Ughh

[HopefulDad]

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker.

Full stop after that.  Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't.  Your call.  If what I highlighted indeed is true, then you know exactly how to enforce your boundaries moving forward.

I told her it can never happen again. I didnt say I would leave her if it happened again but I did say it cant happen again. She said she understood. She said she was ashamed and would never let it happen again.  I believed her. Now its happened again. Everything in my body tells me to fix this. It feels wrong to just leave. Even now. Even though she absolutely destroyed my boundaries. Even now when she says she hit me because of what i said to her and not taking responsibility for her own actions I still somehow want to fix this. I dont know how though. I dont know if it can be fixed. I just wish it could be. I wish there was something I could do to enforce good behavior and put down bad behavior. I must live in a fantasy world. I must be crazy to think I can do something to change her. I admit I am not thinking right but I wish there was some way. If I wasnt a year and a half in to this relationship id walk away. We live together. We have some of the most amazing and loving moments. But then this happens. Ughh

Sorry.  This really stinks for you.

But on the same note, these words tell me that violence really is NOT a deal breaker to you.  You clearly are making allowances for it despite how much it makes you sick.  You have to decide: Either violence is indeed a deal breaker for you, or it's not.  If it's not, then you need to figure out a way to enforce boundaries without kicking her to the curb.  Personally, I believe as long as she has no fear of losing you, she'll have no fear stepping all over whatever boundary you create.

On a tangent: So many of us have a "will never be with a smoker" rule and easily hold fast to that boundary.  Yet so many of us, including my past self, are so easy to make very unhealthy allowances in how we are treated that are far more unhealthy (IMO) than putting up with a smoker... .

"Ewww, she smokes!  No thanks!"

"Argh, she broke my #### again in a rage.  How do I get her to stop?  I don't want to lose her."

If forced to choose, give me the smoker.

[Skip]

Everything in my body tells me to fix this. It feels wrong to just leave. Even now. Even though she absolutely destroyed my boundaries.

There are three choices here:

1. Leave

2. Dissect the problem and apply tools to try to correct it (if it works, great, if not, reassess).

3. Hand wring. Feel powerless. Lather, rinse and repeat.

Got a preference?

[jrharvey]

I did leave her last time she got violent. We spent 3 days apart and she begged and begged and promissed to never do it again. She said she was so scared of losing me. Now this. I think at that time she was scared. I think even now she is scared. She is ALWAYS SCARED of losing me. Its this fear that drives her absolutely crazy and she says crazy things. Just this morning I got up to go get something to drink in the kitchen before she woke up and she thought I was going to the bar to meet some girls. Like I was going to sneak out of the house, just leave her there and meet some girls. At 5am? I cant even begin to understand that crazy feeling. She is scared to death of some fantasy she has. She rages out of fear of losing me. I want so badly to just leave and say... ."Look what you did. Look what you caused. Im leaving you because of what you did. Im not leaving you for these fantasy girls you keep worrying about that dont exist. Im leaving because you destroyed this relatinship."

I wish it was that simple. I wish I could just snap her out of it and make her realize what she is doing but it wont work. I have been here before. She doesnt hear what I say. She only hears... .Im leaving you to be with someone else. She never hears the part of her actually causing this and so she puts the blame on me and thinks again its someone elses fault.

[Skip]

Let me say this differently... .


There are three choices here:

1. Leave, be done with her forever, move on with your life.

2. Dissect the problem and apply tools to try to correct it (if it works, great, if not, reassess).

3. Hand wring. Feel powerless. Do things that make matters worse.

Which strategy do you want to talk about here, today?

[BestVersionOfMe]

I know the situation you are in, not the violence, but abuse for sure.  Like I push everybody to do, regardless of your decision to leave the relationship or remain in it, you have to begin the process of working on yourself.  When things get to the level of violence, usually there are many triggers along the way.  One of the biggest triggers is taking things personally, do you do this?  When she goes to that place of perceived fear, how do you react to it each time?  Do you tell her or through your facial expressions or body language that her fears are stupid or ridiculous?  If you do something like that I'd stop immediately.  People with BPD don't deal well with invalidation at all, it is like a knife to their gut.  If you are not doing anything like that then great, keep it up!  The personalization of their projection or paranoia is gonna be a key to letting that kind of thing roll off your back. 

[HopefulDad]

I did leave her last time she got violent. We spent 3 days apart and she begged and begged and promissed to never do it again. She said she was so scared of losing me. Now this. I think at that time she was scared. I think even now she is scared. She is ALWAYS SCARED of losing me. Its this fear that drives her absolutely crazy and she says crazy things. Just this morning I got up to go get something to drink in the kitchen before she woke up and she thought I was going to the bar to meet some girls. Like I was going to sneak out of the house, just leave her there and meet some girls. At 5am? I cant even begin to understand that crazy feeling. She is scared to death of some fantasy she has. She rages out of fear of losing me. I want so badly to just leave and say... ."Look what you did. Look what you caused. Im leaving you because of what you did. Im not leaving you for these fantasy girls you keep worrying about that dont exist. Im leaving because you destroyed this relatinship."

I wish it was that simple. I wish I could just snap her out of it and make her realize what she is doing but it wont work. I have been here before. She doesnt hear what I say. She only hears... .Im leaving you to be with someone else. She never hears the part of her actually causing this and so she puts the blame on me and thinks again its someone elses fault.

You have to give up on the idea of her "snapping out of it".  She thinks and feels the way she does.  You need to accept this.  If you want to stay with her, you must radically accept this (phrase used in these forums a lot).

You have to decide what's best for you.  Not her.  If living like this is something you don't want to endure, you need to take corrective steps for your own good first and foremost.  If that means going your separate ways, that's what you owe yourself.  You owe her nothing in this regard.

I'm sure she has fear of losing you and should she cross a boundary where that fear gets amplified (e.g. you telling her it's over), she will pull out all of the stops to keep you... .guilt you, gaslight you, perhaps even threaten you, along with the usual "it won't happen again" promises.  Set the boundary and decide how to enforce it unconditionally.  Otherwise, if she can manipulate you out of it, you've set no boundary.

 

[jrharvey]

I know the situation you are in, not the violence, but abuse for sure.  Like I push everybody to do, regardless of your decision to leave the relationship or remain in it, you have to begin the process of working on yourself.  When things get to the level of violence, usually there are many triggers along the way.  One of the biggest triggers is taking things personally, do you do this?  When she goes to that place of perceived fear, how do you react to it each time?  Do you tell her or through your facial expressions or body language that her fears are stupid or ridiculous?  If you do something like that I'd stop immediately.  People with BPD don't deal well with invalidation at all, it is like a knife to their gut.  If you are not doing anything like that then great, keep it up!  The personalization of their projection or paranoia is gonna be a key to letting that kind of thing roll off your back. 

Actually thats exactly what I do. When she tells me some crazy story like I am going to sneak out at 5am to meet some girls because I am thirsty I do take it personally. I take it personally because she must think Im some disgusting, lying, cheating, no good guy that can treat people like that. What type of person would do that? She says she loves me but then says crazy stuff like that? How can you love someone that would do that to you? I could never love a girl i believe is like that. I dont know how to NOT take it personal. I feel like if she does really believe that there is no way she could love me. Then I feel like I am dating an empty shell of a person with no soul. Whats the point of dating someone who doesnt love you? Thats what goes through my head. Another thing that goes through my head is "I cant do anything right because I send pictures, I tell you everywhere I am, I show you all text and messages and you track my location via GPS and you still accuse me of crazy things". I cant win. I cant get to that point where she just has an easy love.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I know the situation you are in, not the violence, but abuse for sure.  Like I push everybody to do, regardless of your decision to leave the relationship or remain in it, you have to begin the process of working on yourself.  When things get to the level of violence, usually there are many triggers along the way.  One of the biggest triggers is taking things personally, do you do this?  When she goes to that place of perceived fear, how do you react to it each time?  Do you tell her or through your facial expressions or body language that her fears are stupid or ridiculous?  If you do something like that I'd stop immediately.  People with BPD don't deal well with invalidation at all, it is like a knife to their gut.  If you are not doing anything like that then great, keep it up!  The personalization of their projection or paranoia is gonna be a key to letting that kind of thing roll off your back. 

Actually thats exactly what I do. When she tells me some crazy story like I am going to sneak out at 5am to meet some girls because I am thirsty I do take it personally. I take it personally because she must think Im some disgusting, lying, cheating, no good guy that can treat people like that. What type of person would do that? She says she loves me but then says crazy stuff like that? How can you love someone that would do that to you? I could never love a girl i believe is like that. I dont know how to NOT take it personal. I feel like if she does really believe that there is no way she could love me. Then I feel like I am dating an empty shell of a person with no soul. Whats the point of dating someone who doesnt love you? Thats what goes through my head. Another thing that goes through my head is "I cant do anything right because I send pictures, I tell you everywhere I am, I show you all text and messages and you track my location via GPS and you still accuse me of crazy things". I cant win. I cant get to that point where she just has an easy love.

Are you a lying cheater?  Then what do you care what she thinks of you.  It's like I tell my three children when they complain that some kid or their sibling called them "stupid."  My first response to them is, "Well are you stupid?"  They always say, "no."  Then I say, "Well then what do you care what they think?"  My point is that you take it personally because you love yourself enough to not care.  This is very common by the way.  It is very common for people that don't love themselves enough to get into relationships with disordered individuals.  If you really think about it, her words, worries, and paranoia is her issue to deal with, not yours.  Your job is to love her unconditionally and when you love someone unconditionally, then you will always validate her feelings, even if they are bat sh*t crazy.

[jrharvey]

Are you a lying cheater?  Then what do you care what she thinks of you.  It's like I tell my three children when they complain that some kid or their sibling called them "stupid."  My first response to them is, "Well are you stupid?"  They always say, "no."  Then I say, "Well then what do you care what they think?"  My point is that you take it personally because you love yourself enough to not care.  This is very common by the way.  It is very common for people that don't love themselves enough to get into relationships with disordered individuals.  If you really think about it, her words, worries, and paranoia is her issue to deal with, not yours.  Your job is to love her unconditionally and when you love someone unconditionally, then you will always validate her feelings, even if they are bat sh*t crazy.

Hmm thats a good point. Your right. I dont give a S^*# what other people think. Not even my own family. I take it personally because she has something I want. I want a loving relationship. I want my girlfriend to respect me, love me and trust me. But she rips it away. She rips away something that I want. I dont need it. If I was single i would be fine. But instead of being single she begs me to be with her and I accept. She makes a promise that things will be ok and we will be happy and I believe it. Then she takes away the thing I want and it makes me so upset. I know the answer is I need to work on myself and have my own things that I love and enjoy. Friends and hobbies. I use to but she absolutely throws a fit that I spend any attention thats not on her. So I lose no matter what. I fight for the things I really care about. She wanted me to stop going to the gym and I said absolutely not and I would leave her before doing that. She gave in.

[Skip]

I know the answer is I need to work on myself and have my own things that I love and enjoy. Friends and hobbies.

How about your conflict skills.

She has a mental illness.  You don't.  But you were in there yesterday losing your cool to your emotions.  Just like her.

Two people can't be in a relationship together if they both have this temper and an inability to reset to baseline.

Can you rise above? Are you strong enough? Is it worth it to you?

[Herodias]

Just a thought... .Is SHE doing these things? is she cheating and going out with friends? This is projection. Mine insisted I was doing things that he was. It was like he was trying to tell me, but in a backwards way... .I don't like putting this in your head, but she is so insistent. Have you asked her? Is there any reason to believe it? I had no idea what mine was up to... .absolutely no idea. He accused me of doing it though and it was ridiculous. Mine would leave in the middle of the morning and go to hotels "to be alone or to get away from me"... .then invite me there... .probably after some woman left! I am just saying... .pay attention. Making you believe they think you are doing something that they are is part of gas lighting.

[Lilyroze]

I know the situation you are in, not the violence, but abuse for sure.  Like I push everybody to do, regardless of your decision to leave the relationship or remain in it, you have to begin the process of working on yourself.  When things get to the level of violence, usually there are many triggers along the way.  One of the biggest triggers is taking things personally, do you do this?  When she goes to that place of perceived fear, how do you react to it each time?  :)o you tell her or through your facial expressions or body language that her fears are stupid or ridiculous?  If you do something like that I'd stop immediately.  People with BPD don't deal well with invalidation at all, it is like a knife to their gut.  If you are not doing anything like that then great, keep it up!  The personalization of their projection or paranoia is gonna be a key to letting that kind of thing roll off your back.  

Actually thats exactly what I do. When she tells me some crazy story like I am going to sneak out at 5am to meet some girls because I am thirsty I do take it personally. I take it personally because she must think Im some disgusting, lying, cheating, no good guy that can treat people like that. What type of person would do that? She says she loves me but then says crazy stuff like that? How can you love someone that would do that to you? I could never love a girl i believe is like that. I dont know how to NOT take it personal. I feel like if she does really believe that there is no way she could love me. Then I feel like I am dating an empty shell of a person with no soul. Whats the point of dating someone who doesnt love you? Thats what goes through my head. Another thing that goes through my head is "I cant do anything right because I send pictures, I tell you everywhere I am, I show you all text and messages and you track my location via GPS and you still accuse me of crazy things". I cant win. I cant get to that point where she just has an easy love.

Are you a lying cheater?  Then what do you care what she thinks of you.  It's like I tell my three children when they complain that some kid or their sibling called them "stupid."  My first response to them is, "Well are you stupid?"  They always say, "no."  Then I say, "Well then what do you care what they think?"  My point is that you take it personally because you love yourself enough to not care.  This is very common by the way.  It is very common for people that don't love themselves enough to get into relationships with disordered individuals.  If you really think about it, her words, worries, and paranoia is her issue to deal with, not yours.  Your job is to love her unconditionally and when you love someone unconditionally, then you will always validate her feelings, even if they are bat sh*t crazy.

Very wise! My Dad use to say that to me, I do that for my kids but... .In all honesty that got lost on the way for me. Have a very good friend and family that say that to me and helped me but again... .

My soon to be ex destroyed that for me. He constantly didn't respect my feelings, needs or have any empathy. He did try over years at times but it was to appease so he could get what he wanted, a servant again etc. not for any value or meaning.

In healing my daughter asked what happened to my Mom so full of confidence that gave it to me?

It is still there in many parts of my life but had to compartmentalize it. I had to dim my light, ignore his rages. For example he would rage and when I said what he did to hurt me before all is ending he would say that is your job, the things I did to help us all the years my hobbies ( um yeah cooking from scratch... .yes I enjoy and for health but heck saved us tons too), or worse I said that days ago. He wouldn't acknowledge his hurtful things but bring up if I got mad at him once 10 years ago... .

Now his GF is dealing with it all, and truly I am just laughing. I know I know... .but better then crying.

I am now going back to remember all this for me as well as telling my kids and others. I matter, if not to him to me.

Don't let people do that to you, as they don't stop, and will not respect unless a boundary is in place. When my boundaries went up he left... .LOL Now wants counseling but will see as he killed love and can't probably take responsibility sincerely.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Are you a lying cheater?  Then what do you care what she thinks of you.  It's like I tell my three children when they complain that some kid or their sibling called them "stupid."  My first response to them is, "Well are you stupid?"  They always say, "no."  Then I say, "Well then what do you care what they think?"  My point is that you take it personally because you love yourself enough to not care.  This is very common by the way.  It is very common for people that don't love themselves enough to get into relationships with disordered individuals.  If you really think about it, her words, worries, and paranoia is her issue to deal with, not yours.  Your job is to love her unconditionally and when you love someone unconditionally, then you will always validate her feelings, even if they are bat sh*t crazy.

Hmm thats a good point. Your right. I dont give a S^*# what other people think. Not even my own family. I take it personally because she has something I want. I want a loving relationship. I want my girlfriend to respect me, love me and trust me. But she rips it away. She rips away something that I want. I dont need it. If I was single i would be fine. But instead of being single she begs me to be with her and I accept. She makes a promise that things will be ok and we will be happy and I believe it. Then she takes away the thing I want and it makes me so upset. I know the answer is I need to work on myself and have my own things that I love and enjoy. Friends and hobbies. I use to but she absolutely throws a fit that I spend any attention thats not on her. So I lose no matter what. I fight for the things I really care about. She wanted me to stop going to the gym and I said absolutely not and I would leave her before doing that. She gave in.

The gym was important to you and you stuck up for yourself and she dealt with it.  EVERYTHING is just like that.  Build on the gym things with other things.  Otherwise you will lose yourself in her disorder entirely and have no life.  That is what people with BPD do.  They create scenarios whereby you are so available to them that they have a massive crutch not to take responsibility for themselves.  It is a defense mechanism.  As far as taking it personally just because she has something that you want, how does that make any sense?  You wanting her to love you and meet your needs is unrelated to taking any of her behavior personally.  Challenge yourself to believe in your heart of hearts that you don't need her to be happy.  Would you prefer to have her meet your needs easily and effortlessly, well sure, but to needlessly suffer by constantly comparing her to who you want her to be vs who she actually is really seems like madness to me.  The great news is that you get to choose in each interaction with her to suffer or to not suffer.  Suffering = non-acceptance.  :)o you accept this women for who she is today in it's entirety?  

[jhkbuzz]

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker.

Full stop after that.  Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't.  Your call.  If what I highlighted indeed is true, then you know exactly how to enforce your boundaries moving forward.

I told her it can never happen again. I didnt say I would leave her if it happened again but I did say it cant happen again. She said she understood. She said she was ashamed and would never let it happen again.  I believed her. Now its happened again.

Boundaries are not about controlling someone else's actions, they're about deciding upon YOUR response to someone else's behavior. You set what you thought was a very vivid boundary - it can never happen again - but I think that was (in your mind, as you were saying it) more about HER behavior. You were saying that SHE had better never be violent again. But that's not a boundary - that's an ultimatum. Your boundary is about what YOU will do when faced with her violent behavior.

I understand that you feel that you can't walk away. But if you walk away you will not have to experience her violent episodes any more - or worry about how your future children will deal with her violent episodes. If you stay you will continue to experience her violence - that much is clear. Stop listening to the words for a moment, and look at the actions - the repeated violent actions. Those are your reality.

You are between a rock and a hard place - so was I, so was everyone else on these boards. You want your relationship to be different but it's not.

I am not telling you that you should leave the relationship. I am telling you not to fool yourself. Don't engage in magical thinking. If you remain, you will eventually experience more of the same.

[jrharvey]

The fact is I cant have violence in my future. That is a deal breaker.

Full stop after that.  Either it's a deal breaker or it isn't.  Your call.  If what I highlighted indeed is true, then you know exactly how to enforce your boundaries moving forward.

I told her it can never happen again. I didnt say I would leave her if it happened again but I did say it cant happen again. She said she understood. She said she was ashamed and would never let it happen again.  I believed her. Now its happened again.

Boundaries are not about controlling someone else's actions, they're about deciding upon YOUR response to someone else's behavior. You set what you thought was a very vivid boundary - it can never happen again - but I think that was (in your mind, as you were saying it) more about HER behavior. You were saying that SHE had better never be violent again. But that's not a boundary - that's an ultimatum. Your boundary is about what YOU will do when faced with her violent behavior.

I understand that you feel that you can't walk away. But if you walk away you will not have to experience her violent episodes any more - or worry about how your future children will deal with her violent episodes. If you stay you will continue to experience her violence - that much is clear. Stop listening to the words for a moment, and look at the actions - the repeated violent actions. Those are your reality.

You are between a rock and a hard place - so was I, so was everyone else on these boards. You want your relationship to be different but it's not.

I am not telling you that you should leave the relationship. I am telling you not to fool yourself. Don't engage in magical thinking. If you remain, you will eventually experience more of the same.

Ok great words. I understand now. So the big question. Any tips on setting boundaries on WHAT I SHOULD DO when she breaks my boundaries? Anything that would encourage her or scare her enough to act different? Im not 100% ready to leave but I want her to feel that boundary and not be ok with doing it again. Im not sure how to act or what to do. Walking away doesn't sound like much encouragement.

[Skip]

So the big question. Any tips on setting boundaries on WHAT I SHOULD DO when she breaks my boundaries? Anything that would encourage her or scare her enough to act different? Im not 100% ready to leave but I want her to feel that boundary and not be ok with doing it again. Im not sure how to act or what to do. Walking away doesn't sound like much encouragement.

Is my microphone turned off  

You are hoping for a tool that will scare her into better moderating her emotional impulsivity?  

So, if her emotional impulsivity is like a dog reacting to a squirrel, do you think you could scare that dog to not have that impulsive? Try it. Shoot the dog in the foot next time it starts to chase a squirrel. It might work.  :)og will never trust you. It won't know why you shot it in the foot, either.

You need to think more in terms of conditioning and controlling the environment.

"Setting Boundaries" is a life skill that has been recommended by therapists, self-help authors and support groups since the mid 1980's. It is the practice of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values. The term "boundary" is a metaphor. "In bounds" means acceptable to you. "Out-of-bounds" means unacceptable.

This is the life skill of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values.

The need for better “boundaries” is advice often given when someone complains about how another person has been treating them.

“Help, my girlfriend isn’t treating me well. Now she is giving me the silent treatment.”

“Well, friend, you need to set some boundaries”.

“You’re right, I have bad boundaries.”

From this discussion one might believe that if we are angry and say "no more" or even walk out that our girlfriend (or other loved one) will change their ways and all will be well. That's not what this is about.

The Idea of "Setting Boundaries" is Misleading

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.



The Three Pillars

This life skill has three pillars: defining personal values to ourselves, communicating and asserting what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds to others, and being committed to make hard choices, when necessary, to honor and defend.

   :)efining values: Healthy relationships are sometimes characterized as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Healthy individuals have values that they honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship. These are core or independent values. Healthy individuals also have values that they are prepared to negotiate and adapt to in an effort to bond and collaborate with others. These are known as inter-dependent values.

   Asserting boundaries: Using verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, needs and define what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds. Laying out reasonable, safe and acceptable ways for other people to interact and relate to us.

   Honoring and defending: Living a life that honors our values and knows how to take constructive actions necessary to avoid being compromised.

Do you want to learn the life skill - I think this is the fourth time I'm asking.  If the answer is no, say it proudly. It will empower you as much as saying yes.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[jhkbuzz]

I am not telling you that you should leave the relationship. I am telling you not to fool yourself. Don't engage in magical thinking. If you remain, you will eventually experience more of the same.

Ok great words. I understand now. So the big question. Any tips on setting boundaries on WHAT I SHOULD DO when she breaks my boundaries? Anything that would encourage her or scare her enough to act different? Im not 100% ready to leave but I want her to feel that boundary and not be ok with doing it again. I'm not sure how to act or what to do. Walking away doesn't sound like much encouragement.

I'm so sorry to say this, but this question is an example of your magical thinking. You're asking me to tell you what to say to make her stop being violent. If I actually had those magical words, I would share them with you and with every man and woman on earth who is experiencing violence in an intimate relationship.

I don't have an answer for you. You cannot change her behavior. You cannot control her disorder. You cannot make her stop acting violently.  The only thing you can do is decide what you are willing to live with.

You want her to stop because you don't want to have to do the one thing you don't want to do: leave her.  I understand; but she has been violent twice. If you believe it won't happen again then you are engaged in dysfunctional thinking - just as much as she is.

Again, you can decide to stay. Perhaps you can decide that you will immediately leave the house if she becomes violent, and not return again for the night. Perhaps that will be the boundary you set - what YOU will do in the face of her violence. But this will not be such an easy option ten years down the road if you have children.

At the moment you want what you don't have: a loving, gentle partner. She is not magically going to morph into what you want. Are you willing to live with the violent episodes so that you can remain in the r/s?

[lbjnltx]

The objective of the Improving Board is to discuss problems in our relationships and work on developing skills to resolve those problems.  The skills are based on work done by Marsha Linehan, Sherri Manning, and Alan Fruzzetti.

Part of this thread is discussing whether or not one should remain in the relationship.  Those conversations should be held on the Deciding/Conflicted Board.

This board is about skills development.

Before anyone posts please read the Guidelines for the Improving Board here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0

[BestVersionOfMe]

Setting healthy boundaries becomes easy when we respect ourselves completely.  There is confusion about boundaries when we do not respect ourselves.  So your man question is, "What should I do if I set a boundary and my girlfriend breaks it?"  Well I think it is safe to say that neither one of you respect each others boundaries and physical space.  You can't control her behavior, but you sure as heck can control yours.  So what are your expectations for yourself about your own behavior?  Do you have a temper?  Do you currently trust yourself if things are heated?  If the answer is yes, then what is the best way to handle those heated moments moving forward that is a healthy boundary?   In my mind there is only one which is to walk away.  Walking away from a person that is raging may seem cowardly, but if you really think about it, it is actually quite respectable when done from a place of love.  Perhaps some of the more senior members might even have some suggestions of what you would actually say.

[Eightyeight]

I understand your situatuon because i've been in a similar one. My gf has been violent before, yelling, punching walls, banging head and it makes me feel like doing the same back. It only makes things worse because she even tried to stab herself after my reaction. I had to put my emotions away, think about her first. I hate that this happens but i love her and i have to keep trying to make things work. I have to learn how to deal with her emotions, actions and words. It does feel frustrating and exhausting... .what makes you stay? That's the question i ask myself when i feel like giving up .

[jrharvey]

I understand your situatuon because i've been in a similar one. My gf has been violent before, yelling, punching walls, banging head and it makes me feel like doing the same back. It only makes things worse because she even tried to stab herself after my reaction. I had to put my emotions away, think about her first. I hate that this happens but i love her and i have to keep trying to make things work. I have to learn how to deal with her emotions, actions and words. It does feel frustrating and exhausting... .what makes you stay? That's the question i ask myself when i feel like giving up .

When she isnt "acting crazy" she is the most loving, caring, giving, thoughtful, fun, beautiful and sexy girl I have EVER met. Even after a year and a half of dating she is still the best I ever had and I have dated a lot of girls in the past. The only bad thing is her abnormal jealousy (its getting better), her super temper (WAS getting better) and ability to imagine the weirdest things and believe they are real. Now that I know what is causing all this I feel even closer to her. I was starting to think she was doing all this on purpose until I figured out she fits ALL 9 criteria of being BPD. Id like her to get help. She had a horrible childhood and when she left her parents to live with her aunt and uncle she was abused by her uncle. I dont know if she can ever be "fixed" but the more I research in books and on here Im starting to get more hope. I talked to her about the possibility of BPD and showed her the 9 traits. To my shock she actually thought it was true! She didn't get upset or blame me or anything. It was kinda funny but she thinks Im a narcisist which I can definitely see being true. I hate to admit but I have those traits too but trying to get better myself. Now that we are both aware of the BPD and accept it Im hoping that we can move forward. One of the things we are working on right now is separating feelings from reality. This is tough for her. It took forever to explain to her that just because you feel something doesn't make it real. I brought up a bunch of examples in the past where she was soo sure that her feelings were real only to be proven wrong over and over and over again. She agreed and started doing some thinking about that and said she would try. Now she still lets her feelings take over her reality but recognizes it a few hours after an episode. Hopefully soon she will stop herself when she has that feeling and think before overreacting.