Birthday Party

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey there

Story time: Late last year, about Christmas, DH and BPDm set the Dates for SS to stay at her place during summer break. He will be there w couple of weeks. He notified BPDm, that SS is over at her place on his birthday and offered to have the invitations handed out to SS' friends at School. She wrote she'd rather not organize a Party and wants us to do it. All she wants to do is celebrate with a "Close circle" (her, SS and her BF). Between his actual birthday and him being back at our place will be more than 3 weeks. I know for a fact that his friends' moms would drive the Kids to BPDm's town (30 minutes by car, he already celebrated 2 other kids' birthdays Close to her home at an Event Location). DH said that it doesn't make sense to celebrate the b'day a month after his birthday and thus he insisted on her organizing it for SS. She said she would get in touch about it later on again to talk about details. It's been half a year now and the next 2,5 weeks are SS' last Chance to Hand out invitations to his friends at School. BPDm said nothing about it anymore. I asked SS what his plans for his B'day were and if they had already talked about it at BPDm's place and he said that his mom forbade him to invite friends from our town. He insisted that it's his birthday and he wants his friends over but BPDm said she doesn't allow it without giving him a reason. He will be allowed to ask one friend from kindergarden (whom he hasn't seen in 3 years now) and additionally they will visit a muesum (BPDm, SS and the BF). She said that DH and I are responsible for the celebration because he lives with us   and if we don't organize it, he won't have any Party at all, making us the bad guys who are to blame. I wasn't having any of it and explained calmly that we offered  BPDm to Hand out the invitations, offered to get in touch with the other parents and organize carsharing to BPDm's town for the kids and that we will make a cake for him to celebrate with his friends at School but that the birthday Party has to take place at BPDm's place because that's where his birthday will be this year. SS understood that and added "you and dad organized my celebrations twice, my ex foster mom organzied it once and mom never did. it should be her turn this year. i don't understand why she doesn't do it". It really breaks my heart. When he celebrated with his foster Family, SS invited me to come and DH and BPDm spent an entire afternoon at CPS because she was raging and saying if I showed up, she wouldn't know how she would react and if she had herself under Control. CPS called me and uninvited me personally. They even asked DH to lie to SS and tell him that I was ill. He didn't find out until recently when he overheard an conversation and he apologized in BPDm's Name.

How do you guys handle birthday celebrations?

[catclaw]

Hey there

Story time: Late last year, about Christmas, DH and BPDm set the Dates for SS to stay at her place during summer break. He will be there w couple of weeks. He notified BPDm, that SS is over at her place on his birthday and offered to have the invitations handed out to SS' friends at School. She wrote she'd rather not organize a Party and wants us to do it. All she wants to do is celebrate with a "Close circle" (her, SS and her BF). Between his actual birthday and him being back at our place will be more than 3 weeks. I know for a fact that his friends' moms would drive the Kids to BPDm's town (30 minutes by car, he already celebrated 2 other kids' birthdays Close to her home at an Event Location). DH said that it doesn't make sense to celebrate the b'day a month after his birthday and thus he insisted on her organizing it for SS. She said she would get in touch about it later on again to talk about details. It's been half a year now and the next 2,5 weeks are SS' last Chance to Hand out invitations to his friends at School. BPDm said nothing about it anymore. I asked SS what his plans for his B'day were and if they had already talked about it at BPDm's place and he said that his mom forbade him to invite friends from our town. He insisted that it's his birthday and he wants his friends over but BPDm said she doesn't allow it without giving him a reason. He will be allowed to ask one friend from kindergarden (whom he hasn't seen in 3 years now) and additionally they will visit a muesum (BPDm, SS and the BF). She said that DH and I are responsible for the celebration because he lives with us   and if we don't organize it, he won't have any Party at all, making us the bad guys who are to blame. I wasn't having any of it and explained calmly that we offered  BPDm to Hand out the invitations, offered to get in touch with the other parents and organize carsharing to BPDm's town for the kids and that we will make a cake for him to celebrate with his friends at School but that the birthday Party has to take place at BPDm's place because that's where his birthday will be this year. SS understood that and added "you and dad organized my celebrations twice, my ex foster mom organzied it once and mom never did. it should be her turn this year. i don't understand why she doesn't do it". It really breaks my heart. When he celebrated with his foster Family, SS invited me to come and DH and BPDm spent an entire afternoon at CPS because she was raging and saying if I showed up, she wouldn't know how she would react and if she had herself under Control. CPS called me and uninvited me personally. They even asked DH to lie to SS and tell him that I was ill. He didn't find out until recently when he overheard an conversation and he apologized in BPDm's Name.

How do you guys handle birthday celebrations?

[Thunderstruck]

SD had her first birthday party ever when she was 10 years old. We finally got visitation with her on her birthday and threw a big event at a park for her. Poor girl, never had a party before... . :'(

The next year uBPDbm promised SD a big sleepover with all her friends. We didn't want to step on any toes so we just had a small celebration the night before, invited over one of her friends (uBPDbm blacklisted that friend so she was not invited to BPDmom's sleepover) and took the two girls out to dinner. uBPDbm waited until two days before the party to invite SD's friends. Only one came to the sleepover.

That is pretty typical for uBPDbm. She makes big plans and promises. When she realizes she can't afford it she demands that DH pay (although we are not invited). In the end she can't plan ahead and it all falls apart, and they do a little last minute thing (usually just involving one friend, a sleepover or Chuck E Cheese or whatever).

ETA: uBPDbm's family lives in another state. So uBPDbm has no real motivation to have a big party since she has no family and can't maintain friendships.

[Nope]

We handle birthday celebrations by handling them any way we can without any help or input from uBPDm. It would never even occur to us to try to tell her she has to do anything for either of the kids birthdays. That simply would not go over well. When BM had custody and was living three states away she always had SD for her birthday because it fell a few weeks before spring break and we always had SD for his birthday because it fell during DH's summer visitation. Since we had the kids every other spring break she would get two celebrations. One on her actual birthday with BM and one a couple weeks later at spring break with us. On off years we'd send flowers on her actual birthday and then make the long weekend trip to her state to celebrate as soon as we could afford it. Every year SS would celebrate on his actual birthday with us and then that was it because BM would tell him he already had his birthday at his dad's and then not do anything for him. Now that DH has custody she stopped doing that to SS because we have both kids for their birthdays and she would never not do something special for SD. Plus she wants to keep up appearances in front of her boyfriend. But SS is very aware of all of this and it's very painful for him.

I suggest you continue to do exactly what you are doing and only control what you have control over. I've found as the kids are getting older that shielding them or completely compensating for BPDm's misdeeds and shortcomings does us all a disservice. We end up being resentful, spending money we don't have, and getting very little thanks while they continue to call her "the best mommy ever!" Better to simply do the right thing and let her do whatever she is going to do and let kiddo figure it out.

[ForeverDad]

Many children of divorced parents (where at least one has acting out PDs resulting in lack of cooperation) end up with duplicated events.  Not so bad when you think of it.  Maybe one of them won't be all that fun, but probably at least one will.

[Panda39]

Many children of divorced parents (where at least one has acting out PDs resulting in lack of cooperation) end up with duplicated events.  Not so bad when you think of it.  Maybe one of them won't be all that fun, but probably at least one will.

This is how my SO does birthdays with his daughters they celebrate with him around  the Court Order and whatever their uBPDmother does (which has been nothing over the last couple of years)