Intervention or not?

[guitarguy09]

My uBPDw has been going round and round in the same cycle for years. Every month or two she'll erupt either about how I'm not making enough money, or how much she hates my family, or how our house is a piece of s--- and we need to sell, etc. She yells and raises her voice, usually makes some kind of threat to either tell my family what she really thinks of them, or to leave in the middle of the night (though she always comes back). Just recently, we had an argument where our 4 year old was very upset by her yelling and threatening to leave.

My question is, is an intervention a good idea? Her mom and stepdad were thinking of getting a psychologist of some kind together and for us all to sit down and talk with her about why she needs to get help. I know bringing up the idea of BPD is generally not good. Any ideas?

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[HopefulDad]

I've had fantasies about an intervention when I was married to my BPDxw.  I even had a friend suggest it.  But I think fantasyland is where they deserve to remain.

An intervention with a PD sufferer is completely different than one with a substance abuser, the most common type of intervention when we think of that word.  Substance abusers have a trail of evidence that is undeniably off kilter, even if they attempt to rationalize it.  They can't hide from the excessive substance abuse and all of the side effects (personal, social and financial).  You have a chance to get through to them in light of this evidence.

A PD sufferer is wired to think their thought processes are normal.  Good luck trying to get through to someone who genuinely, earnestly doesn't think there's something wrong.  You're more likely to end up having everyone at the intervention painted black.

 

[guitarguy09]

I've had fantasies about an intervention when I was married to my BPDxw.  I even had a friend suggest it.  But I think fantasyland is where they deserve to remain.

An intervention with a PD sufferer is completely different than one with a substance abuser, the most common type of intervention when we think of that word.  Substance abusers have a trail of evidence that is undeniably off kilter, even if they attempt to rationalize it.  They can't hide from the excessive substance abuse and all of the side effects (personal, social and financial).  You have a chance to get through to them in light of this evidence.

A PD sufferer is wired to think their thought processes are normal.  Good luck trying to get through to someone who genuinely, earnestly doesn't think there's something wrong.  You're more likely to end up having everyone at the intervention painted black.

 

That's a good point. When there is no physical evidence and they have in their head they were just "getting mad" and that they were "justified" in getting angry, no amount of convincing them will get them to come around. The last thing I want is for her to do something crazy like take the kids and drive to a random location far away.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Tough situation when kids are involved, I hear you.  This is why there is such a strong focus on working on ourselves and how we react to the behavior.  I think an intervention won't work, in fact it will likely create emotions that are so strong that she will explode.  Since people with BPD don't have a strong sense of self, they are obsessed with what people think of them.  If she knows that you and her entire family thinks she has a PD, I don't know how she'd handle that.  I remember when I thought my wife had cheated on me.  I manufactured the entire thing, none of it was true, but I was in a bad place at the time and very insecure.  When we went to therapy, for six months straight she couldn't get over the fact that I thought she could be a cheater.  I mean, she literally didn't want to be with a person that was capable of believing something like that.  It was overly traumatic.  Now I don't criticize her at all about her behavior because in reality it has nothing to do with me and all it does is escalate more bad behavior.

[Skip]

My question is, is an intervention a good idea? Her mom and stepdad were thinking of getting a psychologist of some kind together and for us all to sit down and talk with her about why she needs to get help. I know bringing up the idea of BPD is generally not good. Any ideas?

Intervention is not a great idea for OCD or BPD or the traits thereof.  It sounds like she is periodically cycling through her obsessions. These run deep.

You may want to read, I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! - Xavier Amador, Ph.D.

www.bpdresources.net/peer_book_reviews/xavier_amador.htm

One premise in that book is that people go to therapy when the have a problem they want to solve. If you can link a highly skilled psychologist, a problem she wants to solve, and some couples involvement, you will probably be best off.  The trick is to not use a family therapists - this will be over most of their heads - best to get with a psychologist with some specialization.  Spend the beginning sessions getting her to like the psychologist.

Family can help too.  Its great to have them on your side. Working them into involvement when things start slipping is good.

Intervention doesn't work because it a gang-up - she'll be injured.

[guitarguy09]

Tough situation when kids are involved, I hear you.  This is why there is such a strong focus on working on ourselves and how we react to the behavior.  I think an intervention won't work, in fact it will likely create emotions that are so strong that she will explode.  Since people with BPD don't have a strong sense of self, they are obsessed with what people think of them.  If she knows that you and her entire family thinks she has a PD, I don't know how she'd handle that.  I remember when I thought my wife had cheated on me.  I manufactured the entire thing, none of it was true, but I was in a bad place at the time and very insecure.  When we went to therapy, for six months straight she couldn't get over the fact that I thought she could be a cheater.  I mean, she literally didn't want to be with a person that was capable of believing something like that.  It was overly traumatic.  Now I don't criticize her at all about her behavior because in reality it has nothing to do with me and all it does is escalate more bad behavior.

That's a good point. Sounds like a very tough time with your wife. Glad you have (sounds like) gotten past it.

I agree, an intervention is not a good idea overall because the denial would just be too big and it would make her feel all alone which would make things worse.

[guitarguy09]

My question is, is an intervention a good idea? Her mom and stepdad were thinking of getting a psychologist of some kind together and for us all to sit down and talk with her about why she needs to get help. I know bringing up the idea of BPD is generally not good. Any ideas?

Intervention is not a great idea for OCD or BPD or the traits thereof.  It sounds like she is periodically cycling through her obsessions. These run deep.

You may want to read, I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! - Xavier Amador, Ph.D.

www.bpdresources.net/peer_book_reviews/xavier_amador.htm

One premise in that book is that people go to therapy when the have a problem they want to solve. If you can link a highly skilled psychologist, a problem she wants to solve, and some couples involvement, you will probably be best off.  The trick is to not use a family therapists - this will be over most of their heads - best to get with a psychologist with some specialization.  Spend the beginning sessions getting her to like the psychologist.

Family can help too.  Its great to have them on your side. Working them into involvement when things start slipping is good.

Intervention doesn't work because it a gang-up - she'll be injured.

A specialized psychologist sounds like a great idea. I hadn't considered that before. Getting her to agree to go is an awfully tough task, but this gives me something to shoot for. I agree that intervention would be a gang up and wouldn't go well.