He cut me off after 3.3 year relationship

[Skyglass]

Almost 3 weeks ago, my now ex-BF broke up wth me after 3years/3months. So many times I was the one to walk away and have space till he "came to his senses" and we would be back together again. But this time, I arrived at his house an hour late due to traffic and little did I know the firestorm that would ensue. He broke up with me and cut me off from everything- his family, friends, etc. He was cold and told me all the things I should have changed in order to have a relationship with him- the way I would have to be if I had a house with him, a baby, be on time, and oh yeah... .I needed to be someone who enjoyed smoking pot as much as he did. As I got back into my car he said "give me some time... .I don't know what I want anymore." I honestly thought in 2 days he would come back and we would talk and be back together. We were planning on getting married. I'm almost 40 years old and this is the first relationship that has left a hole so deep and so mentally devastated. I signed up for counseling and have had 2 sessions so far to deal with it. How can someone who was so clingy the entire relationship, break off everything with me and not leave a trace. I contacted him one time since the b/up to tell him I was making some changes in my life. He replied that he was busy with his work and grad school and that he didn't have time to discuss my changes but that he was doing so well with everything. I did not respond. I was totally thrown off by his unemotional way- a man who was so overly emotional for so long! in some weird way I keep hoping that he will come back to me a month from now and say he had time to think and he wants me. I feel so used, unloved, punished, mistreated, and that he goes on with his life (career, new home, new car, new dates) and acts as if I never existed. This is the hardest breakup ever. The passion and intensity of the relationship was addicting too. I am keeping busy every day to improve myself but it doesn't take away the pain, it's like the pain is poison. I honestly wonder why this relationship ever even happened if I was to be thrown out like trash. It really really is painful.

[sweet tooth]

Yes it is painful, Sky. I feel your pain. Two days before my uBPD exgf had her meltdown, she was talking about how awesome I am and how we had to go to the beach sometime soon. Two weeks later I sent her a text and she told me not to contact her again. The spontaneity of it really threw me off. I, too, felt like she just needed some space and would come back. I haven't directly heard from her since then. I'm almost positive I'm being stalked, however.

You are in the right place. I wish you good luck in your recovery.

[Skyglass]

SweetTooth- I know what you mean about feeling stalked. I feel I am too but in a mild sense. I know he has checked up my profile on FB and who knows what else. I heard he was absolutely livid that I had changed my profile to Single and found out i posted a pic of a hiking trip with friends I went on a few days later after he dumped me. Unbelievable. And I was always the one in he relationship that always had my "stuff" together - independent female, adventurous outdoorsy, and my own career. I had to block FB now. It's as if they still control you even after time goes on. Scary.

[sweet tooth]

SweetTooth- I know what you mean about feeling stalked. I feel I am too but in a mild sense. I know he has checked up my profile on FB and who knows what else. I heard he was absolutely livid that I had changed my profile to Single and found out i posted a pic of a hiking trip with friends I went on a few days later after he dumped me. Unbelievable. And I was always the one in he relationship that always had my "stuff" together - independent female, adventurous outdoorsy, and my own career. I had to block FB now. It's as if they still control you even after time goes on. Scary.

I logged off of Facebook, too. I didn't completely deactivate it because of some business stuff I do on there (through Hootsuite), but I logged out a few days ago. I've received an increase in LinkedIn views, FB friend requests (obviously fakes) and unknown number phone calls without messages (averaging 1 ever 9 days. That was unheard of before the discard). I also received a dubious Match view. It's too much to be a coincidence.

He was livid because he doesn't view you as a person with desires, needs, and autonomy. You are an object to him. He wants to know that you are there if he feels a need to use you for his own needs. I'm sorry that I'm being so blunt. It's s hard pill to swallow, but it's the truth. It's why my person with BPD cyberstalks me after telling me not to contact her again and why she was mad her ex-husband had a new woman (after leaving him): She believes that she owns us. I'm sure if I dated somebody and my BPD caught wind of it she would flip out. It's awful, but it's the sad reality.

[Skyglass]

SweetTooth- I appreciate the bluntness and that you understand the bitter pill that has to be swallowed. I feel like I'm waking up from a fog I never knew I was in. (And not from his pot smoke either! LOL. That's one thing he wanted me to do with him in the relationship and I never did b/c it's not something I desire.) Anyways, I am realizing this BPD/NP relationship was one heck of a mind-trip and it feels like being left without a soul. And all the habits and routines you had with that partner are gone. It's an aloneness that I think only people who have been abused by this type of personality disorder can understand. I don't think there's anything else like it. And the biggest question of all is WHY we would even want that person  back who tossed us away? Oh, the madness!

[sweet tooth]

SweetTooth- I appreciate the bluntness and that you understand the bitter pill that has to be swallowed. I feel like I'm waking up from a fog I never knew I was in. (And not from his pot smoke either! LOL. That's one thing he wanted me to do with him in the relationship and I never did b/c it's not something I desire.) Anyways, I am realizing this BPD/NP relationship was one heck of a mind-trip and it feels like being left without a soul. And all the habits and routines you had with that partner are gone. It's an aloneness that I think only people who have been abused by this type of personality disorder can understand. I don't think there's anything else like it. And the biggest question of all is WHY we would even want that person  back who tossed us awayq? Oh, the madness!

A few reasons:

1. We genuinely care about them

2. We're involved in a trauma bond

3. We naively think that they can change

4. They have good qualities that we admire

5. We have good memories in addition to the bad memories

[sweet tooth]

If it wasn't for the dysregulating and BPD symptoms my ex and I would be very cimpatible. That makes it all the more heartbreaking and frustrating.

[Herodias]

Sounds like he pretty much projected on to you that he knows he needs to change and he is not sure he wants to do that. Marriage is a big step ... .you both need to know is that is really what you want. Doesn't sound like you are really that happy with him really. Maybe you should start there... .What do you want in a partner? Does he fit that image? Usually these people are more on top of what is working and what is not... .I will give them that. They are in tuned with people... .he feels he is not what you want I think. Is he right?

[Herodias]

If it wasn't for the dysregulating and BPD symptoms my ex and I would be very cimpatible. That makes it all the more heartbreaking and frustrating.

Sweet tooth, I felt the same way! The only problem is the dysregulating and BPD... .It is part of the person that we cannot make go away. It's very sad.

[Skyglass]

BlueHeron- You hit the nail on the head! He projected onto me. He even repeated much of the things I had said months ago about not being happy and having us work on things together... and turned it all around to it being what HE actually said and that I never changed on my part. Then said I was inconsistent throughout the relationship and he couldn't believe anymore whether what I said was real or not. (Just one more punch to the gut! And of course i was coming from a place of what it's like in a healthy r/s) You hit the nail on the head that he didn't want to work on himself. My therapist said that:  that he could control the external things in his life (job, home, etc.) and charm everyone, but did not desire to work on the internal things deep inside. And that's why he abruptly ended it b/c I had given him a challenge amd refused to accept.

I also know I played a mother/caregiver role in the r/s and I had finally gotten to the point to where I stopped taking his cr**.  I started standing up for myself, stopped jumping when he wanted me to be at his beck and call, etc. Of course, that's when he decided to "punish me" by exiting the r/s without even flinching.

You're right- it's not the r/s I want. I wasn't happy. There were amazingly good things in the relationship (let's not even talk about incredible sex!). But I beat myself up now that I did not breakup with him first. I feel like he won something knowing he surprised me by cutting me off at the knees.

Oh, and he's now a real therapist btw.  Interesting career choice. His head is so big about it that he thinks he can do no wrong and believes he "changed". (Sigh)

[heartandwhole]

Hi Skyglass,



I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. I know how painful that feels.    I was absolutely crushed by my breakup with pwBPD, too. You've come to the right place for support. Our members have been in your shoes, and understand the pain of this kind of breakup. More importantly, this site has wonderful tools and resources to make things better. And they do get better. I am feeling better than I have in a long time, and it is largely thanks to therapy and this site!

It's only been about 3 weeks, so this is very fresh. How are you coping right now, Spyglass? Are you taking good care of yourself (eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise)? Do you have supportive friends and family?

What about contact—have their been attempts to contact each other since the breakup?

Intimacy triggers engulfment and abandonment fears in people with BPD. Planning a marriage is a classic example of a life event that would instigate pwBPD's defense mechanisms. The abrupt cutting off is so heartbreaking, so painful; I've been there. Understanding that this behavior is coming from defense mechanisms fueled by fear makes it less personal, although I know it doesn't feel that way now.

Here is a resource that really helped me deal with all the feelings that were coming up during my breakup, especially the 10 Beliefs that keep us stuck:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep writing, Skyglass. It really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole