Six month break up and still going

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It’s almost six months post break-up and I don’t feel like it’s ended.

Four days after blasting me with nasty texts he now wants to be reimbursed for all the gifts he bought me. I sent him a list of my own, pointed out that these things were gifts to him, given with love, and to even think to ask him to repay me is ludicrous.

I have no idea how, but I ended up agreeing to pay him my half of a holiday we went on because as he said this wasn’t a gift. I’ve agreed to pay him in instalments via bank account.

The problem is it makes me feel entangled, sort of trapped, although I don’t have to see him or even contact him about it just pay in the money.

I’m also trying hard not to make assumptions about what he may be thinking, but it’s difficult. Actually, impossible. I’ve come up with:

1.   He’s using this to control me in some way which makes me free angry.

2.   He wants me back which makes me feel hopeful and fuels the part of me that still wants him. Hope is my downfall.

It could also be his fear of people ripping him off. He has accused people of stealing from him many times and upset them, keeps track of pennies, knows exactly how much he leaves around the house, in his wallet, car. He once kept me prisoner in a camper van until he’d found his change and once accused me of stealing $20 from his wallet. When he was paying for dinner one night the waiter joked that I should take note of his credit card pin number. Once outside he raged and raged at me accusing me of planning to spend money on his card and the evening did not end well. So,

3.    I do not want to be painted as a thief or a person who cons people into taking them on holiday so will pay for half of this holiday.

This is all happening six months post break-up! I’m still feeling trapped in my emotions and can’t seem to move on. I am stuck on a fence. I’ve jumped up on it to get away from him, but can’t seem to jump over the other side.

I'm trying to unravel my feelings, but I feel confused. It's almost six months! I'm wasting my life here.

[Larmoyant]

It’s almost six months post break-up and I don’t feel like it’s ended.

Four days after blasting me with nasty texts he now wants to be reimbursed for all the gifts he bought me. I sent him a list of my own, pointed out that these things were gifts to him, given with love, and to even think to ask him to repay me is ludicrous.

I have no idea how, but I ended up agreeing to pay him my half of a holiday we went on because as he said this wasn’t a gift. I’ve agreed to pay him in instalments via bank account.

The problem is it makes me feel entangled, sort of trapped, although I don’t have to see him or even contact him about it just pay in the money.

I’m also trying hard not to make assumptions about what he may be thinking, but it’s difficult. Actually, impossible. I’ve come up with:

1.   He’s using this to control me in some way which makes me free angry.

2.   He wants me back which makes me feel hopeful and fuels the part of me that still wants him. Hope is my downfall.

It could also be his fear of people ripping him off. He has accused people of stealing from him many times and upset them, keeps track of pennies, knows exactly how much he leaves around the house, in his wallet, car. He once kept me prisoner in a camper van until he’d found his change and once accused me of stealing $20 from his wallet. When he was paying for dinner one night the waiter joked that I should take note of his credit card pin number. Once outside he raged and raged at me accusing me of planning to spend money on his card and the evening did not end well. So,

3.    I do not want to be painted as a thief or a person who cons people into taking them on holiday so will pay for half of this holiday.

This is all happening six months post break-up! I’m still feeling trapped in my emotions and can’t seem to move on. I am stuck on a fence. I’ve jumped up on it to get away from him, but can’t seem to jump over the other side.

I'm trying to unravel my feelings, but I feel confused. It's almost six months! I'm wasting my life here.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm wasting my life here.

Maybe not L, maybe everything happens for a reason, at the pace it's supposed to, and it serves us?  You can use the anger to motivate action though, and in which direction?

First thing I thought reading your post was how borderlines are all about attachments.  If he senses there's still an emotional attachment with you, even the slightest one, he will continue with the embezzlement, or whatever you want to call it, until he accepts the attachment has been severed, or he finds a stronger one, and maybe not even then, he may want to keep both.

So it's up to you.  The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, but there's no choice if you want to detach.  You mention that continued interaction with him, on any level, gets you thinking, and one of the things you think is that he may want you back, and that gives you hope, so if you want to let go of all hope, interacting with him on any level, including making installment payments, which will remind you of him, might not be in your best interest.  You didn't ask for advice, but if it were me I'd beg, borrow or steal all the money necessary to pay him off, meet your commitment, and be done with it, and then tie your shoes tight and get ready to jump off that fence.  It ain't easy, but it is necessary to detach, a letting go, of commitments, emotions, hopes.  It's also helpful, while you're at it, to start shifting the focus from the past to the future, develop a vision for the life of your dreams, and put all your energy there; the best way to fight something is to not fight it, create something new.  Take care of you!

[Larmoyant]

fromheeltoheal, I’m feeling really hurt right now. Angry and hurt. You know there are some days when I believe that I am never, ever going to get over all of this. Never going to be able to take the final leap and get away from him for good. I feel trapped, like he still has me on a piece of string because of this holiday. I have agreed to pay for a holiday that we took way over a year ago. A holiday that he knew I could not afford, not then and not now.

I feel angry that he is using this as an excuse. I now wish I’d said no that I do not feel I owe him anything. What kind of person sends their ex a list of everything he has ever done/bought for her leaving out all that she has ever done for him. He makes me feel sick and I’m angry right now!

I can’t afford to pay all at once as my resources are limited especially as he’s left me in such a state that I can hardly go out of the house let alone find a new job.  I’m traumatised by it all and all he can do is hound me for money for a holiday that was at times lovely, but interspersed with rages and cruelty on his part, including trapping me in the camper van whilst he went ballistic looking for change, a few coins, tearing me down making me cry because a man spoke to me at a bar, screaming at me for dropping the map, leaving me behind on a 6 hour hike in the pouring rain knowing it was the first time I’d done this.

I seriously feel like contacting him and saying that I’ve changed my mind and to go stuff it!

Any advice would be welcome. Shall I?

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal, I’m feeling really hurt right now. Angry and hurt. You know there are some days when I believe that I am never, ever going to get over all of this. Never going to be able to take the final leap and get away from him for good. I feel trapped, like he still has me on a piece of string because of this holiday. I have agreed to pay for a holiday that we took way over a year ago. A holiday that he knew I could not afford, not then and not now.

Yes, I understand L, these relationships bring up strong emotions; one of the criteria for the disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships", and now we know what that feels like to be in.  Anger and hurt can be useful though, you feel trapped because you're allowing him to trap you, or to a borderline, you're allowing him to maintain the attachment by responding to his money demands, and you could use that anger to tell him to bugger off, if my British slang is correct?

What kind of person sends their ex a list of everything he has ever done/bought for her leaving out all that she has ever done for him. He makes me feel sick and I’m angry right now!

Someone with a mental illness who needs attachments to literally survive, in his interpretation, so he'll use any means necessary, including making you mad; when you're angry you are still emotionally attached.

I can’t afford to pay all at once as my resources are limited especially as he’s left me in such a state that I can hardly go out of the house let alone find a new job.  I’m traumatised by it all and all he can do is hound me for money for a holiday that was at times lovely, but interspersed with rages and cruelty on his part, including trapping me in the camper van whilst he went ballistic looking for change, a few coins, tearing me down making me cry because a man spoke to me at a bar, screaming at me for dropping the map, leaving me behind on a 6 hour hike in the pouring rain knowing it was the first time I’d done this.

I seriously feel like contacting him and saying that I’ve changed my mind and to go stuff it!

He probably knows you don't have the resources, which makes his demands a good idea to him yes?  And you probably agree, that is not someone you want in your life, especially if we focus on trust and respect, yes?  My ex owed me about a thousand dollars and tried to keep a leash on me by telling me she'd pay me "when she could" after I left her; not a lot of money and I decided my serenity is worth far more than that, so I let it go.  Who knows, maybe one day a check will show up in the mail, I seriously doubt it... .

Your situation is the opposite I realize, and it will take some courage to tell him you're done and you need him out of your life now, money demands and all, but courage is not the opposite of fear, it's action in the face of fear, and anger is a very handy tool for acting regardless of fear.  And the other option is find or borrow the money somewhere and pay him, but one way or the other, what's your serenity worth?  What's getting on with creating the life of your dreams without obstacles worth?  I'm confident you will climb on top of this situation and take your power back, using as much of that anger as you need to.  Take care of you!

[Lifewriter16]

It could also be his fear of people ripping him off. He has accused people of stealing from him many times and upset them, keeps track of pennies, knows exactly how much he leaves around the house, in his wallet, car. He once kept me prisoner in a camper van until he’d found his change and once accused me of stealing $20 from his wallet. When he was paying for dinner one night the waiter joked that I should take note of his credit card pin number. Once outside he raged and raged at me accusing me of planning to spend money on his card and the evening did not end well.

Have you heard what you have just told us about him, really heard it and taken it into your heart?

LW x

[Larmoyant]

Hi fromheeltoheal, well, I’ve told him to bugger off quite a few times now  but he keeps coming back or should I rephrase that and say I keep allowing him back. It’s all up to me and that feels like a scary place to be right now. Not sure why?

Hi LifeWriter, I’ve been mulling over what you wrote. I don’t think I’m taking it in, some of it, but not all. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to face it as knowing how much I’ve tolerated means looking at myself and not liking what i see. Lately, the bad stuff is coming at me thick and fast and memories of are becoming quite vivid, difficult to push away. Memories that are so bad they make me cry for the part of me that was so desperate for him that she stayed. If that makes any sense?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi fromheeltoheal, well, I’ve told him to bugger off quite a few times now  but he keeps coming back or should I rephrase that and say I keep allowing him back. It’s all up to me and that feels like a scary place to be right now. Not sure why?

Whelp, you're right, it is up to you, and why do you think that feels like a scary place to be right now?  Your choices are to dig there and see what comes up, the only way out is through, or you can stay "trapped".  Trapped is comfortable in a way, because it's familiar yes?

So what do you think?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lifewriter, I’ve been mulling over what you wrote. I don’t think I’m taking it in, some of it, but not all. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to face it as knowing how much I’ve tolerated means looking at myself and not liking what i see. Lately, the bad stuff is coming at me thick and fast and memories of are becoming quite vivid, difficult to push away. Memories that are so bad they make me cry for the part of me that was so desperate for him that she stayed. If that makes any sense?

It makes perfect sense. It sounds like you are experiencing post traumatic stress reactions. I would really recommend contacting an organisation that assists survivors of domestic abuse. Being in my support group is really helping me. I had become so isolated and suddenly I have people who hug me and ask me how I am... .having support shouldn't be that notable that it makes me want to cry, but it does. There are people out there who understand and who care. Have you got to the part in the book where the author says that victims of domestic abuse are not 'codependent'? I know that appears to contradicts what is taught here, but perhaps we try to take too much responsibility for what happened to us because it gives us the illusion of control. M. Scott-Peck who is a psychiatrist, says that personality disorders and neuroses are both a disorder of responsibility. The former take insufficient responsibility for their situation in life, the latter take too much responsibility.

Sending you love... .LW x