How did my ex BPD move on so fast and I cannot move on

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So here it goes.  Was with my ex BPD for 8 years.  She is amazingly Beautiful and was so into me.  As everyone has stated it was love and hate.   The sex was amazing and she was so into everything about me.  The fights were just as bad as we knew the cops in our town on a first name basis.  She has a son.   Who never met his dad and is totally out of Control.  We moved 10 times over 5 years.   We finally got married although I knew it was a mistake.  It was still a rocky road.  I'll spare all the details as it was typical BPD behavior.  After marriage she was distant.  Sex was forced if at all.  We slept in separate rooms.  She was checked out.   The fighting grew worse and worse.  Till Finally she would leave on weekends to hang out with friends.  I would try to call her but she would not answer and if she did it was "screw you leave me alone".   This went on every weekend till I finally Hired someone to track her and sure enough she was having an affair with a bf from 7 years ago.   We divorced and I had the worst summer of my life. Lost weight.  Could not sleep etc. She would contact me telling me to die and give her certain stuff back then the next day asking to meet.   I was so confused

This went on for months as she told me she was so in love and he has everything she wanted.   As summer progressed she continued to contact me and I finally Gave in.  We met and days after our divorce was final we got back together.   We moved and bought a house for the next year.   Same old crap happened again with us barely getting along.  This lasted a year and then ended.  We split again and went our separate ways.  Over the last 7 months she has dated or should I say slept with multiple men and been so happy.  Few months ago we got back together again briefly Until again she cheated.  I am trying to stay no contact but it's hard.  She does not publicize her dating escapades on social media but tells a lot of people.  It gets back to me.   Last week I drank too much and texted her something mean.  She called me back and let Me have it for 30 seconds and said don't ever contact me again.  I went to sleep and woke up to a few missed calls From her through the night.   The next morning she texted me to leave her alone and then called 20 mins later.  I called back and we talked normal For a few minutes before she told me she met "the love of her life" and was gonna move in with him and wished me the best and hung up.   Yesterday I found out she had told

People she was "milking" some guy 37 years older.  She is 27 he is 64.  Said he rented her a place where she can live with her 8 year old Son who she dumps anywhere she can.  

I know I need to run.  I am dating an amazing girl.  Pretty and madly into me.   But I can't let go.  I can't stop looking at her social Media and what she's doing.  It crushes me that she is such a prostitute and moving on so fast.  She has always come Back.  Why is she so mean and is this the last time I hear from her?  How do I stop looking at her crap and move on?    Just so confused.  Is she really happy.   I mean I want to beleive a guy renting her a place will end in total disaster but will it?   Thanks for the help.  These boards keep me going.  I just wish I could take a pill to forget her.   When I open my email my stomach drops if I see her name.  I'm sick over this

[Confused99]

So here it goes.  Was with my ex BPD for 8 years.  She is amazingly Beautiful and was so into me.  As everyone has stated it was love and hate.   The sex was amazing and she was so into everything about me.  The fights were just as bad as we knew the cops in our town on a first name basis.  She has a son.   Who never met his dad and is totally out of Control.  We moved 10 times over 5 years.   We finally got married although I knew it was a mistake.  It was still a rocky road.  I'll spare all the details as it was typical BPD behavior.  After marriage she was distant.  Sex was forced if at all.  We slept in separate rooms.  She was checked out.   The fighting grew worse and worse.  Till Finally she would leave on weekends to hang out with friends.  I would try to call her but she would not answer and if she did it was "screw you leave me alone".   This went on every weekend till I finally Hired someone to track her and sure enough she was having an affair with a bf from 7 years ago.   We divorced and I had the worst summer of my life. Lost weight.  Could not sleep etc. She would contact me telling me to die and give her certain stuff back then the next day asking to meet.   I was so confused

This went on for months as she told me she was so in love and he has everything she wanted.   As summer progressed she continued to contact me and I finally Gave in.  We met and days after our divorce was final we got back together.   We moved and bought a house for the next year.   Same old crap happened again with us barely getting along.  This lasted a year and then ended.  We split again and went our separate ways.  Over the last 7 months she has dated or should I say slept with multiple men and been so happy.  Few months ago we got back together again briefly Until again she cheated.  I am trying to stay no contact but it's hard.  She does not publicize her dating escapades on social media but tells a lot of people.  It gets back to me.   Last week I drank too much and texted her something mean.  She called me back and let Me have it for 30 seconds and said don't ever contact me again.  I went to sleep and woke up to a few missed calls From her through the night.   The next morning she texted me to leave her alone and then called 20 mins later.  I called back and we talked normal For a few minutes before she told me she met "the love of her life" and was gonna move in with him and wished me the best and hung up.   Yesterday I found out she had told

People she was "milking" some guy 37 years older.  She is 27 he is 64.  Said he rented her a place where she can live with her 8 year old Son who she dumps anywhere she can.  

I know I need to run.  I am dating an amazing girl.  Pretty and madly into me.   But I can't let go.  I can't stop looking at her social Media and what she's doing.  It crushes me that she is such a prostitute and moving on so fast.  She has always come Back.  Why is she so mean and is this the last time I hear from her?  How do I stop looking at her crap and move on?    Just so confused.  Is she really happy.   I mean I want to beleive a guy renting her a place will end in total disaster but will it?   Thanks for the help.  These boards keep me going.  I just wish I could take a pill to forget her.   When I open my email my stomach drops if I see her name.  I'm sick over this

[Meili]

She has always come Back.

This may be why it is so hard for you to move on. Are you anticipating her return? If so, have you planned your response? What will you do?

[Confused99]

She has always come Back.

This may be why it is so hard for you to move on. Are you anticipating her return? If so, have you planned your response? What will you do?

Honestly I don't know.   I don't think I'm strong enough yet to

Ignore forever.   But on the flip side she is so bad for me that I should ignore forever

[Meili]

I can completely understand those conflicting feelings. To counter them, I continue to ask myself what it is that I really want and whether or not I truly believe that she can provide that for me?

Are you able to determine what your needs are and whether or not she can meet them? I struggle with that.

[Confused99]

I can completely understand those conflicting feelings. To counter them, I continue to ask myself what it is that I really want and whether or not I truly believe that she can provide that for me?

Are you able to determine what your needs are and whether or not she can meet them? I struggle with that.

Good point.  Your right actually and the answer is no she can never be what I want.   She's too selfish.  Her attempts are weak.  And I also think what is worse how I feel now without her or how I would feel if we got back together.  I would worry all day about who she is talking to or what she is doing.  Trust is gone.  Would be miserable

[Meili]

It isn't just that trust is gone either. You'd have to endure all the same treatment that you did in the past.

[JerryRG]

After my exgf told her new bf I raped her I wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire. Just saying

[Leonis]

After my exgf told her new bf I raped her I wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire. Just saying

I can't wait for that story to pop out in the future for me too.

[Leonis]

After my exgf told her new bf I raped her I wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire. Just saying

I'm waiting for this story to pop out one day for me too.

[balletomane]

I know I need to run.  I am dating an amazing girl.  Pretty and madly into me.   But I can't let go.  I can't stop looking at her social Media and what she's doing.  It crushes me that she is such a prostitute and moving on so fast.  She has always come Back.  Why is she so mean and is this the last time I hear from her?  How do I stop looking at her crap and move on?    Just so confused.  Is she really happy.   I mean I want to beleive a guy renting her a place will end in total disaster but will it?   Thanks for the help.  These boards keep me going.  I just wish I could take a pill to forget her.   When I open my email my stomach drops if I see her name.  I'm sick over this

Confused, I remember these feelings so well. I watched the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when I was with my ex - it's one of his favourites - and a few times since the devastating breakup I've wished that the technology in the film (to make you forget a previous partner) really existed.

These are cold hard facts that will not be very comforting when you're still in the raw withdrawal stage, but I will list them anyway. Your ex has not really 'moved on' in the sense that you hope to move on. The abandonment fears, impulsiveness, and general emotional instability caused by BPD are so deep and so chaotic that many people with the disorder will cling onto just about anyone who comes along. My ex had many chaotic overlapping relationships, he was dating someone three weeks after he said he needed a break from relationships, he got together with me three days after he broke up with the woman before me - the list goes on. Relationships like this are part of his way to cope. He always needs someone, and when a relationship goes wrong, he will simply move on to the next person who can serve as his crutch and his comfort blanket.

You, on the other hand, are not hobbling from crutch to crutch. You understand on some level that this would not work. This is a level of insight and interpersonal understanding that your ex most likely doesn't have. If you were able to do what she does, you'd also have her difficulties, which I'm sure you wouldn't want. It may look like she's happy and comfortable in the short-term, but with BPD we know how very short that short-term is - volatility is part of the condition. My ex went from loving me to hating me in the space of three minutes. Literally. I know it's hard not to feel hurt when your ex seems to have forgotten all about you so soon, but remember that your goal is long-term, sustainable recovery, not just some temporary comfort.

My only practical piece of advice would be not to try and force yourself into love with another person just to forget your ex - that isn't fair on you, or on the woman you're dating. Be open and honest with your new partner about your struggles. Secondly, a A pill to forget isn't an option, but instead, if the pain is not too raw, it's better to look at what you can learn from this experience for the future - how do you want your life to look now? If the answer is "I still want to be with BPDex", try and look at what your ex represents for you - love, safety, self-worth, etc. - and rephrase it as "I want to feel safe and loved." With the second phrasing, you are well on your way to figuring out what you need to do to have those things in your life. Taking this approach helps a lot, I'm finding.

[JerryRG]

Excellent response balletomane

Thank you for expressing in words what my heart needed to hear today.

My exgf will fall in love with any guy that gives her attention. It is sad to watch but you are right, she cannot be alone. I believe for her to be alone is to force herself to focus on herself and that must be to much for her to bear.

Thanks again for your insightful response

Forgot to add that my exgfs previous bf got her to take meth and she was willing to marry him and start a family. Good grief I picked a winner huh? I'm so ashamed and embarrassed.

[Confused99]

Balletomane thanks so much for the reply.  Yes since writing this and telling me she was so happy and in love with someone she has popped back up on tinder, match etc.  guess that didn't end well or she is cheating again.  She cannot be alone ever.  She sleeps with anyone for attention.  The few guys I have seen that she dated were absolutely terrible looking.  And she would say "they treat me so good"  I just hope to eventually forget her and her bull

[balletomane]

Balletomane thanks so much for the reply.  Yes since writing this and telling me she was so happy and in love with someone she has popped back up on tinder, match etc.  guess that didn't end well or she is cheating again.  She cannot be alone ever.  She sleeps with anyone for attention.  The few guys I have seen that she dated were absolutely terrible looking.  And she would say "they treat me so good"  I just hope to eventually forget her and her bull

If you're still looking her up on dating sites and worrying that she might have got a long-term relationship, you will not be able to move on. You are feeding into the situation if you keep checking up on her. I know it's difficult, but for your own sake you need to try and stop.

My ex basically cheated on me with his flatmate and told me that he was now in a relationship with her. I was devastated, especially as I was experiencing health problems at the time, in a foreign country without any support from my family, and struggling to cope with a heavy workload. As bad luck would have it, my two closest friends in that country had recently left on extended trips abroad. Hearing my ex say to me, "I've spent most of my life alone. You'll get used to it," in response to me saying, "This has happened at a bad time for me," would always have been painful, but in that situation it was shattering. Then he got angry with me for "emotionally extorting him" because I was upset when he kept refusing to meet me or do anything to maintain a friendship. However, he still contacted me for comfort when he'd self-injured and expected me to remain his friend in case he needed something (his words). I removed him on Facebook, but for a long time I kept periodically checking his page to see if I could tell if he was still with this woman. The idea of them being happy together after what he'd done to me was unpleasant, and it didn't seem fair. In the end I just had to steel myself not to look. I haven't checked for a few months now. Sometimes I want to quite badly. I get away from my computer until the urge passes.

If we keep checking on our exes like that, basically what we are saying is that our happiness depends on them not being in a relationship. Our happiness depends on things going wrong for them. Our happiness depends on them. You are not going to magically forget her, but you can avoid putting her at the centre of your life like this by challenging your thoughts when you get too preoccupied by who she's with and what she's doing.

[Confused99]

But didn't it give you some comfort.  I mean when she tells me she met man of her dreams but I see her on dating sites it's comical.  But I guess your right.  I need to let go.  Just knowing she is full of crap helps sometimes

[Meili]

That comfort is, in all probability, really just masked anger isn't it? If that is the case, it won't last long. Well, at least I would hope that it wouldn't. Living in a place filled with anger is never good for a person and only perpetuates the problems that got us all into this mess in the first place.

[balletomane]

Checking on him rarely comforted me, because thinking about it, the real problem wasn't that he was dating other people. The problem was that he had treated me terribly. Even in our relationship, I had been unhappy and scared a lot of the time. I felt like I was treading on landmines, never mind eggshells. He said and did things that were cruel, that really hurt me. Once he threatened suicide over IM, when I was travelling, and then disappeared and wouldn't reply to messages for a couple of days. I had no way to check on him and I was physically ill with anxiety (literally - I had painful diarrhoea, was shaky, couldn't sleep). He wanted to punish me for not saying the right things to support him. But when he was in that frame of mind, nothing was ever the right thing, and it was always my fault.

This is just one example. I'm sure you have similar bad memories from your own relationship. Thinking about it like this, how does it help us if our exes' next relationships fail? Sometimes I worry that the problem was really me, and that if I had done things differently, I could have kept him. This is when I get the impulse to check on him, because if he's still with the same person, doesn't that mean that the problem was me? I don't know if you are experiencing similar thoughts or fears, but if your situation is similar, checking only makes them worse - because you will need to keep checking and checking and checking to get the reassurance, and that keeps you tied to her. It also stops you from moving past guilt, self-blame, anger, or whatever difficult emotions you're feeling.

In my case, what helps is to remind myself that no matter what he's like now, no matter how he treats his current partner, no matter how long they're together for, what he did to me was wrong and for that reason on its own there is no going back. We need to concentrate on our own situations, not what our exes are up to.

[Confused99]

Good points.  Doesn't help she lives a mile away in a big city and hangs out everywhere I do  and dates men who are rich and 30 years older then her.  But I'm gonna make a effort to stop looking. 

[balletomane]

Good points.  Doesn't help she lives a mile away in a big city and hangs out everywhere I do  and dates men who are rich and 30 years older then her.  But I'm gonna make a effort to stop looking. 

That must be tough. When I lived in the same country as my ex I used to live in constant dread of running into him. A month after the breakup, I took a hiking trip by myself, to a part of the country I'd never been to with him, to try and create some new memories there and get myself away from places that reminded me of him. On my final day in that country, the minibus taking me to the airport went down his street to collect another passenger, and the unexpected sight of his house made me feel sick. Sometimes I feel resentful, because I had hoped to make my home in that country and right now it's too bound up with bad memories for me. It must be especially difficult if you're stuck in the same area as your ex. Trips to different places (it doesn't have to be an out-of-city trip - maybe just a park or coffee shop that you don't normally use) or trying a new hobby or activity that you don't associate with your ex might be helpful at this stage. You need things in your life that you don't associate with her.

[FraFra85]

I also check smts her fb page. With time I'm doing it less and less. Social media are a facade image of people, almost everybody there look happy, the reality it's very different. Sometimes my ex write me on WA and she tell me that she have some good days and some bad with replacement and it's only few months that them are together and she knows that smtg it's wrong, she is trying to do self-help work but she have no idea of the size and type of her issues. 

pwBPD repeat the same behaviours and outlines with everybody, only the actor change. Nothing will change. They need a person to fill their sense of emptiness, their miss of "self", the fear of annihilation. The partner it's not special or unique, it's only an instrument (like an object) to survive. Smts they could have some rational toughts but them are deleted or they could put them under a carpet with denial mechanisms and lies, their core issues prevail.

We have to take experience with our ex like a lesson to watch insight us and understand our issues and start a path to solve them.
I'm very happy to had r/s with my ex (luckily for me she have light BPD and she had no abusive behaviours; she perceived a fake abandonment (real for her) and she closed few days after) because I spent 2.5y wonderful years and because she showed me some beautiful aspects of myself and some issues that i'm trying  to solve time by time.

[Confused99]

 Thanks I've been able to go a few weeks with no contact. I still look at her stuff from time to time but she keeps most of it hidden. I did find a picture of her on someone else's site and she easily gain 30 pounds so that made me smile. But I'm still not there yet I guess I just got to keep going no contact and slowly  get better   Do any of you have any advice does it eventually get easier?

[HurtinNW]

Confused   

Yes, it does get better. Remember, it doesn't matter what she is doing now, the important thing is you are out of a hurtful and unhealthy relationship. Your future is open to whatever you want to make it. YOU are the one who is in charge now and YOU can have a happy life ahead.

As far as advice, there is lots you can do. Sometimes it helps to make a list of things you will do before checking up on her. Like 1) post here 2) read the articles and lessons here 3) call a friend 4) take a walk or go to the gym and so forth. Do LOTS of self-care. Work out, go for walks, cry in the bathtub, get a massage, whatever works for you. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle and loving with yourself.

How are you feeling today? Do you have plans for the rest of the day, anything good for yourself?

 

[Confused99]

Thank you!  The craziest part of this whole thing is they met an absolutely beautiful and caring person. She treats me better than anyone ever has. And while I love her so much I still find it hard to let go of the past. Like I said I have done good with the no contact but it's so easy look on the Internet and see what her And her friends are doing.    But I guess you're right it really doesn't matter what the hell she's doing. She will always be a cheater, and a liar, and treat every guy the way she treated me. I guess sometimes I just worry that she'll be happy and it was all my fault. But the past to show me That it's impossible for her, I hope

[HoneyB33]

Thank you!  The craziest part of this whole thing is they met an absolutely beautiful and caring person. She treats me better than anyone ever has. And while I love her so much I still find it hard to let go of the past. Like I said I have done good with the no contact but it's so easy look on the Internet and see what her And her friends are doing.    But I guess you're right it really doesn't matter what the hell she's doing. She will always be a cheater, and a liar, and treat every guy the way she treated me. I guess sometimes I just worry that she'll be happy and it was all my fault. But the past to show me That it's impossible for her, I hope

I get it. You want to know it's not real, you want to know they're unhappy. That's normal. When we go through a break up with someone and they morn us, and are having a hard time--we realize that we have value and it makes us feel better. BPD's are SO against us having self-value that they rub everything in our faces. Try to not take it personally, it's all their disorder.

I've struggled a LOT with this one, so I can really understand you in this. I think it's the harder one for me to get through. But she's not somehow magically happy.

[Confused99]

 I know the biggest problem is I have to stop looking at her stuff. She will be on every dating site known to man then suddenly they're all gone as I'm presuming she met her next victim. Then within three weeks to a month they're all back again. I've tried so hard to stop looking but I just can't do it    And it seems like everywhere I go she was just there. I just want this to go away so bad

[gotbushels]

"HOW did my ex BPD move on so fast and I CANNOT move on?"

It crushes me that she is such a prostitute and moving on so fast. 

Unfortunate labelling aside, you mentioned:

Over the last 7 months she has dated or should I say slept with multiple men and been so happy.  Few months ago we got back together again briefly Until again she cheated. 

I'm just genuinely curious about your thoughts. Figuring this out might help you. I mean no instigation, no judgment, no harm. It seems as though it's some kind of competition? Sleep with person → "first place" → happier? I'll make it clear I'm not defending your ex. I honestly don't know your thoughts, hence my question.

I know the biggest problem is I have to stop looking at her stuff. She will be on every dating site known to man then suddenly they're all gone as I'm presuming she met her next victim. Then within three weeks to a month they're all back again. I've tried so hard to stop looking but I just can't do it    And it seems like everywhere I go she was just there. I just want this to go away so bad

Try to take it easy on yourself Confused99. I'd expect that it would take some time to "move on". It's not an overnight job sometimes.

I know I need to run.  I am dating an amazing girl.  Pretty and madly into me.   But I can't let go.  I can't stop looking at her social Media and what she's doing.

This makes me feel sad. How do you think the woman you're currently dating would feel if she knew about this? I'm not judging one bit Confused99, just wondering what your thoughts are here.

I hope you find peace from your frustrations.

[Confused99]

My current girlfriend knows all about it and just trying to help me through it and knows that once I get through it I will be my old self