Idk how you guys deal with the "cut off type"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Each day NC is getting harder. Not being able to talk to her and not being at least a small part of her life is killing me. I miss her incredibly and I don't know if I can last any longer. I know she is happy with the replacement but I have 0 clue how she can just cut me out like that. I mean it's like the relationship roles have switched. I'm the one with the unstable emotions that's obsessing over her and she seems like the healthy one with good friends and seems to have it together. I can't accept the fact that she has moved on and is indifferent to me. How does she not wonder what I'm doing? I think for geting over me so quickly is impossible disorder or not. How can I convince myself she is truly into the new guy and over me.

[SoMadSoSad]

Each day NC is getting harder. Not being able to talk to her and not being at least a small part of her life is killing me. I miss her incredibly and I don't know if I can last any longer. I know she is happy with the replacement but I have 0 clue how she can just cut me out like that. I mean it's like the relationship roles have switched. I'm the one with the unstable emotions that's obsessing over her and she seems like the healthy one with good friends and seems to have it together. I can't accept the fact that she has moved on and is indifferent to me. How does she not wonder what I'm doing? I think for geting over me so quickly is impossible disorder or not. How can I convince myself she is truly into the new guy and over me.

[Confused?]

Believe me when I say this that the cutoff type is way easier to get over. I was replaced. She still continued to message me after the fact. That small glimmer of hope was what kept me stuck. The hope that she still loves me. The hope that she realized her mistake. No contact is the only way to get over these relationships. It sucks. It's sucks hard. It's a horrible feeling when you feel worthless. When you feel like you could have done more. When you think about how "happy" they are and how miserable you are. But it's life. In the end you will come out a stronger person. It just takes time.

[SoMadSoSad]

Believe me when I say this that the cutoff type is way easier to get over. I was replaced. She still continued to message me after the fact. That small glimmer of hope was what kept me stuck. The hope that she still loves me. The hope that she realized her mistake. No contact is the only way to get over these relationships. It sucks. It's sucks hard. It's a horrible feeling when you feel worthless. When you feel like you could have done more. When you think about how "happy" they are and how miserable you are. But it's life. In the end you will come out a stronger person. It just takes time.

Even though she cut me off completely, these hope are the only thing that keeps me going each day. And if we were still in contact I would at least know she still thinks about me. Now i can only think of how the replacement has taken over completely. As if I am 100 percent replaceable. I meant nothing to her and she meant the world to me... .I'm such a sucker.

[Meili]

I agree with Confused.

The worst thing that I could have done was break NC with my uBPDexgf. Her telling me that she still loves me and entertains the idea that we might be able to work things out if I just do the one thing that will make her feel better... .whatever that is. All the while, she's still running around with my replacement. Her going NC on me at this point is probably a godsend.

While you may be right, she might not be thinking about you at all. But, you don't know that. More importantly, what does it matter if she is or she isn't? I have read that when we start to tell ourselves like, "She must never have really loved me, she's not even thinking about me now!" it's really our bruised ego and scared, inner child talking. I was told to self-soothe these things. To hug my inner child and tell myself that she is thinking about me as I go forward with my life. While I have my own issues, I'm working on them. She's decided not to be around to reap the benefits of my work. Her lose. I'm the prize here.

So, what is keeping you stuck in the thought process of assumptions that she's not thinking of you and that you're not the prize that she's give up?

[SoMadSoSad]

I agree with Confused.

The worst thing that I could have done was break NC with my uBPDexgf. Her telling me that she still loves me and entertains the idea that we might be able to work things out if I just do the one thing that will make her feel better... .whatever that is. All the while, she's still running around with my replacement. Her going NC on me at this point is probably a godsend.

While you may be right, she might not be thinking about you at all. But, you don't know that. More importantly, what does it matter if she is or she isn't? I have read that when we start to tell ourselves like, "She must never have really loved me, she's not even thinking about me now!" it's really our bruised ego and scared, inner child talking. I was told to self-soothe these things. To hug my inner child and tell myself that she is thinking about me as I go forward with my life. While I have my own issues, I'm working on them. She's decided not to be around to reap the benefits of my work. Her lose. I'm the prize here.

So, what is keeping you stuck in the thought process of assumptions that she's not thinking of you and that you're not the prize that she's give up?

Because she hasnt reached out yet.

[Meili]

Are you trying to apply how you, or a "normal" person would do things to your pwBPD?

But, we cannot guess what is in the minds of a "normal" person, much less a pwBPD. So, since you're making assumptions, why not make healthy ones like "she does miss me"? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to give you any false hopes. I have a reason for going down this rabbit whole.

Let's say that she does, miss you. If she were to come back to you today, would she find a healthy, confident, attractive individual that she wants to be with; or the same person that she ran away from?

[JerryRG]

Hang in there SoMadSoSad

I treat these symptoms as an addiction, it is what helps me and also the knowledge my exgf has not nor will not get well. She was working on her BPD issues prior to our relationship and she bailed.

She's got so many unhealthy issues it would take a long time to list them all. Do I really want a lying, selfish child to be with the rest of my life? H*** No!

I have a notebook that I write down all the crazy things she said and done to me and 50 pages almost full and I gave up writing anymore down because it took my precious energy away to ruminate about her, she's sick, she's awful, she lies to everyone, she's not someone I would ever be with let alone be around.

Her bf is a complete loser if he can't see it yet, come on bud, 2 days in jail for her? I'm lucky I didn't get in worse trouble.

These people deserve one thing from us, watching us walk away with our dignity, self worth and sanity.

I'm done giving anything including my thoughts to her, I'm gone, gone, gone and she's still... .her

[seenr]

Did you find this worth doing JerryRG?

I have tried this before, but found it upsetting & stopped. But part of me thinks I should do it now, to make a break in my own mind & think that this is a good thing being away from her. Thoughts?

I have a notebook that I write down all the crazy things she said and done to me and 50 pages almost full and I gave up writing anymore down because it took my precious energy away to ruminate about her, she's sick, she's awful, she lies to everyone, she's not someone I would ever be with let alone be around.

[JerryRG]

It definitely helped me, seenr

Writing stuff down not only helps us organize our thoughts it also allows us to release thoughts and feelings. Once they are on paper they have left our minds, then we can practice letting the memories go, some people write the horrible events down then tear them up or burn them and some just take them to a stream and throw them in and watch them float away. I guess what ever works for you?

My exgfs husband burned everything she owned, kinda tells you where his heart had been, huh?

He's a good guy too, he just got sucked into the bottomless vortex like the rest of us.

Let them destroy themselves and we who want good lives and can love move on and be well.

[Meili]

Writing things down also engages the logical side of our brain, thus taking the thoughts away from the emotional side.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Meili

Another benifit I was unaware of

My sponsor gave me a very simple daily routine that cannot fail:

Wake Up

Page 86 - 87

1 Pray

2 Devotions

3 Breakfast, healthy

4 Exercise

5 Journal  (this is what happened and this is how I feel)

6 End the day (review)

[Icanteven]

I treat these symptoms as an addiction

This is exactly how my own T describes our relationship: an addiction forged from a trauma bond.  And what's funny is that the longer we stay no contact the more and more the withdrawal symptoms fade.

Did you find [making lists] worth doing?

If it works for you it works for you.  I will say that I've done the same thing a dozen times since she left, and the problem each and every time was that the "con" part of the list was pages and pages long, while the "pro" side had only these lines : She is my wife.  We area a family.  I love her with all my heart.  She's the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

That's it.  Just those four.  But those four lines could swamp legal pad pages of negatives.  Swamp and render them meaningless.

You know what really worked the best for me, and it only happened recently?  :)oing the hard work with my therapist to understand my wife's FOO issues and how they became transposed onto our marriage.  :)oing so gave me the closure I couldn't get from my wife, in addition to being one of the simplest, most elegant distillation of facts I've ever come across.

I am the most analytical person I know, but the emotional side of my brain swamped the executive functioning, reasoning side of my brain no matter how many lists I made.  Actually drilling through my own personal issues and our marital issues to the core of "this is what happened and this is why it happened" such that I could explain the implosion of our marriage to a complete stranger in 45 seconds is what has done me the most good.  But it took a lot of pain and introspection to get there.  Making lists for me was like bouncing along the surface of the atmosphere; I needed to face some painful truths to break through.

[seenr]

I hear you JerryRG & tying this back to SoMadSoSad’s original post,

My ex BPDgf was also married. Her ex husband is the one person from her past that she talks to. The difference with him is that he does everything she asks, when the relationship ended he handed over a substantial cash sum, a car, he wanted to be good to his daughter. I suspect he has spent time in therapy, he worked a lot on himself, got in shape and did manage to move onto a relationship but it didn’t last long. While I don’t talk to him a lot I was gutted for him as I think he is a good person.

She is not in contact with any other person from her past apart from someone from school and her best friend. I have seen her discard maybe 5-6 really good friends or claim they were never friends anyway. Their ‘crimes’ were minimal. One ironically was actually trying to talk to her about her relationship with me and was discarded.

But some of the things I know he (ex husband) has said, or his family have done, really do help me shape thoughts:

He told her she was poisonous. To actually say that to someone means you must have been pushed pretty far.

She told me he cried a lot. She told me she liked how manly I was in comparison. Within a year, I was crying too.

He slept in his car one night as he was afraid to be in the house with her. Within 2 years I was doing this too.

His parents intervened and spoke to her about her behaviour towards him. She told me ‘His Mom had an affair 6 years before that, who was she to preach to me?’

She was not happy with how close his family were and she set about becoming a wedge between him & his sister and his parents. Within two years of meeting me, my sister and her were not on talking terms. But as she doesn’t talk to 2 of her sisters, no surprise there.

His brother helped him to record his then wife on a recording device. Why would you want to do that? What would you suspect?

My exgfs husband burned everything she owned, kinda tells you where his heart had been, huh? He's a good guy too, he just got sucked into the bottomless vortex like the rest of us.

[JerryRG]

My exgf cut her husband off of intimacy then cheated on him.

They were married about 1 year, she told me she never really loved him and he annoyed her. Really?

One thing she repeatedly brought up was her ex husband put his stinky feet on her pillow, I'm sure this alone was the catalyst for her to hate him and cut him off then cheat on the poor guy.

Yes he broke, took everything she owned in the divorce.

She's a real piece of work indeed.

[bunny4523]

These people deserve one thing from us, watching us walk away with our dignity, self worth and sanity.

I'm done giving anything including my thoughts to her, I'm gone, gone, gone and she's still... .her

Love that- it seems to be the only way to take back our power and start re-building.  Thanks Jerry.

Bunny

[bunny4523]

Each day NC is getting harder. Not being able to talk to her and not being at least a small part of her life is killing me. I miss her incredibly and I don't know if I can last any longer. I know she is happy with the replacement but I have 0 clue how she can just cut me out like that. I mean it's like the relationship roles have switched. I'm the one with the unstable emotions that's obsessing over her and she seems like the healthy one with good friends and seems to have it together. I can't accept the fact that she has moved on and is indifferent to me. How does she not wonder what I'm doing? I think for geting over me so quickly is impossible disorder or not. How can I convince myself she is truly into the new guy and over me.

So mad so sad,

Here is the thing.  You will probably never understand why they do what they do.  Their reaction is based on thoughts/emotions that are only in their heads.  The reality and facts don't matter, it's about what they feel.  It is as basic as this:  I was sitting on the patio one day reading an article, my exBPD partner comes out and sits next to me.  I smile and say,"hi, your going to join me?"  He says, "yes".  I said ok, "let me run in real quick and take the casserole out of the oven." As the oven timer is going off... .I set my Ipad down on the chair and walk into the kitchen through the sliding glass door.  As I'm opening the oven and pulling out the casserole with oven mits, he walks in.  He has my ipad in his hand ,closes the sliding glass door behind him, locks it, sets my ipad on the counter, throws his hands in the air scowls and says, "you obviously don't want to be with me, you walked away from me again."   The facts: I left my ipad, i was returning.  I had something in the oven, the timer went off and he could visually see me pulling something out of the oven.  I even clearly verbalized to him what was happening.  The facts didn't matter because in his mind I am not loving, I am not giving him attention and I don't want to be with him.  Then comes the unjustified retaliation and breakdown of my character.  What could I have done different?  Nothing. 

They don't "have it together".  It is just an illusion like the thoughts of me leaving the patio, not because I had a casserole in the oven but because I didn't want to be with him. (in his mind)  They are so convincing that it is so confusing and you start to doubt yourself.  You have no idea how many times I replayed that one patio incident in my head trying to verify I didn't do anything that may have caused the situation.  RIDICULOUS! how they get in your head and make you feel worthless.  You have to fight it, you have to know better... .

It is so hard to get unstuck from all that.  I don't believe they connect like nons do in a relationship and that is how they can remove themselves so easily because they were already removed.  We didn't know it because they say all the right things that matched our own feelings. (atleast mine did)  It is so hard to break away, don't give up.  Try to reconnect with yourself.  I know it's hard and I'm sorry your struggling.  Do you have a therapist your working with or support group of friends that can remind you of the good person you are and what you have to offer? 


Bunny   

[once removed]

Each day NC is getting harder. Not being able to talk to her and not being at least a small part of her life is killing me. I miss her incredibly and I don't know if I can last any longer. I know she is happy with the replacement but I have 0 clue how she can just cut me out like that. I mean it's like the relationship roles have switched. I'm the one with the unstable emotions that's obsessing over her and she seems like the healthy one with good friends and seems to have it together. I can't accept the fact that she has moved on and is indifferent to me. How does she not wonder what I'm doing? I think for geting over me so quickly is impossible disorder or not. How can I convince myself she is truly into the new guy and over me.

i think Meili is right here, you are in essence projecting (neutral sense of the word) your feelings, or trying to see this through the lens of a "normal" person. it didnt make sense to me that someone so dependent on me for nearly three years, who i could never get away from, could seemingly move on over night and appear to not even be thinking of me, either. for that matter, it didnt even make sense to me that i could miss her, at the time. the fact is you dont know what is going on in her mind.

this is traumatic stuff SMSS. quite often it does feel as if things are getting worse, before they get better. expect this on some level. it does get better, and in fact what is happening is that you are processing increasingly tough stuff day by day. its impossible right now to see that as progress, i know. i told loved ones i felt as though i was "wilting" without her.

when you say "i think getting over me so quickly is impossible disorder or not", you are underestimating the nature of the disorder, which involves insecure attachments, as well as inhibited object permanence - the latter likely being a big part of why it appears to you she has moved on so quickly. this is a disorder - it is going to defy your logic.

i dont think the antidote for the pain is to convince yourself she is "truly into the new guy and over" you. it helped me a great deal to read clinical material and really learn the facts about the disorder, the traits, the common behaviors. it gave me answers to most of my questions. it helped me depersonalize what was incredible, debilitating pain. in turn, it helped me to reach acceptance and detach as opposed to torturing myself with what i previously couldnt understand.

have you had the opportunity to read this? its a good start and speaks to many of the common fears and doubts we have after these breakups: Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD

[BirdinFlight]

When I first met my ex he told me he was out of a relationship with his previous gf for a year and a half. That was a lie. He left her and then immediately starting dating me. She was still calling him and he would text her back saying that he now had a new girlfriend (me) and that it was inappropriate for her to contact him. I'm sure she must have been in the state that I'm in now but I'd didn't know any of that at the time. As the new replacement, I can tell you that his mind was not on her. Out with the old, in with the new. We had a whirlwind, over the top romance and he was wooing me, making me laugh, all attention, romance on me. He had no conscience about leaving the last one or guilt over the state she was in or how he contributed to it. And his previous gf had a couple of kids that he had gotten "close" to, and he cut them off too without conscience. He was now trying to get close to my family. When I told him that everybody in my family loved him, he responded, "they're easy." What a weird thing to say! In retrospect, I took that to mean that some faimilies are harder to manipulate and he had to work harder for them to fall for his act. I burned my bridges by sending a letter to his family about the way he had treated me. If I hadn't sent it, he would have come back only if he wasn't successful with someone else. It would have had nothing to do with me, just like the rest of the relationship.

[sweet tooth]

Believe me when I say this that the cutoff type is way easier to get over. I was replaced. She still continued to message me after the fact. That small glimmer of hope was what kept me stuck. The hope that she still loves me. The hope that she realized her mistake. No contact is the only way to get over these relationships. It sucks. It's sucks hard. It's a horrible feeling when you feel worthless. When you feel like you could have done more. When you think about how "happy" they are and how miserable you are. But it's life. In the end you will come out a stronger person. It just takes time.

Even though she cut me off completely, these hope are the only thing that keeps me going each day. And if we were still in contact I would at least know she still thinks about me. Now i can only think of how the replacement has taken over completely. As if I am 100 percent replaceable. I meant nothing to her and she meant the world to me... .I'm such a sucker.

I'm cut off completely AND being cyber stalked. It's making it almost impossible to detach and creating a myriad of emotions. Thank your lucky stars that she's gone and not messing with you in the process.

[JerryRG]

Or be thankful you and her don't share children... .I'm stuck for 16 more years unless I obtain full custody and hide.

[Wize]

I'm done giving anything including my thoughts to her, I'm gone, gone, gone and she's still... .her

I really want to get here.  I'm so close.  Just need to wrap up this divorce and then I can truly say she's gone, gone, gone.

[Wize]

I know the below thread is a little controversial with some of the mods but it helped me quite a bit.  Also, I enjoyed reading through the author's post history.  He's certainly direct, but he's articulate and I believe he casts these relationships in a very accurate light.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223420.0;all

[bunny4523]

I know the below thread is a little controversial with some of the mods but it helped me quite a bit.  Also, I enjoyed reading through the author's post history.  He's certainly direct, but he's articulate and I believe he casts these relationships in a very accurate light.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223420.0;all

I like it - I feel freedom after reading that.  It is called "love" to them but it is not measured up to what "love" means to me... .it doesn't even begin to measure up even if the words sound the same as mine.  I will remember this link - thank you.

[Meili]

I'm not sure how a thread about lumping all persons on the BPD spectrum together and casting them all in the same light helps answer the question made the topic of this thread.

Looking at the person on the spectrum doesn't actually lead to healing. Whether or not our respective person(s) with BPD actually loved us doesn't matter. What matters is why we loved someone who was abusing us. When we start focusing on that, then the healing can begin. Otherwise, we are just pointing fingers and placing blame. Sure, that can be helpful in the early stages to begin no contact, but at some point we have to start looking at our roles in all of this. If we don't then we are subject to recycling or repeating the dynamic with another.

It isn't about their actions, it's about ours. We cannot/could not control them, only ourselves.

[bunny4523]

I'm not sure how a thread about lumping all persons on the BPD spectrum together and casting them all in the same light helps answer the question made the topic of this thread.

Looking at the person on the spectrum doesn't actually lead to healing. Whether or not our respective person(s) with BPD actually loved us doesn't matter. What matters is why we loved someone who was abusing us. When we start focusing on that, then the healing can begin. Otherwise, we are just pointing fingers and placing blame. Sure, that can be helpful in the early stages to begin no contact, but at some point we have to start looking at our roles in all of this. If we don't then we are subject to recycling or repeating the dynamic with another.

It isn't about their actions, it's about ours. We cannot/could not control them, only ourselves.

I think that is true for many on this board but for me, it isn't.  I only experienced the bad part of the relationship for about 4 months. I started seeing the signs a month after I moved in.  Before that (7 months of dating and not living together) he covered it really well.  Once I continued to see things that weren't making sense and I just felt in my gut that something was wrong - I suggested couples counseling.  Within months, more and more things came out and I realized I had only been seeing the tip of the iceberg.  I was trying to assess to see if we could work through it.  I think I started falling out of love after that first month, the first time he tried to discard me... .which is when I remember feeling "abuse" for the first time. (maybe not at the time but looking back now)  So in my case, I left pretty early on, because to me what he was doing and how he was treating me was not love.  I did struggle with what happened, why did things change?  My co-depency side jumped in and said ":)id I do something to make him insecure and change?"

Even though I wasn't tied to him by the heart strings any longer, this breakup was so ugly.  I couldn't understand changing locks on me one day because you don't trust me and the next walking into our workplace smiling and saying good morning.  He treated me like a theif.  Also, I did struggle with thinking about all the BS he said but obviously didn't mean.  Like how do you propose and vow your love for the rest of your life one day and a month later, kick someone out because they took too long at the hair salon.  The all of a sudden "deal breakers" he made up  and changing the script on me messed with my head.  Bait and switch.  I was single for ten years, doing just fine on my own.  Why put me through all this?  I was going to figure out who you are soon enough and leave.  Why do this to my kids?  I was mad at myself for believing the words he said even though the actions were shallow and my gut was turned inside out.  I let my logic of knowing him as a "nice guy" for 7 years sku my perception and talk me into something I shouldn't have.  So for me, my struggle was dealing with not trusting myself enough... .and how to get through that.

[Meili]

So for me, my struggle was dealing with not trusting myself enough... .and how to get through that.

Which is exactly my point. It doesn't matter what they did as much as it matters how we responded. Just like we can't control them, they can't control us. We all made our own decisions. Looking at why we made them is what allows us to heal, change, and move on so as not to repeat.

[Wize]

Whether or not our respective person(s) with BPD actually loved us doesn't matter. What matters is why we loved someone who was abusing us.

It matters to those who haven't reached your place in the detachment process.  

As far as loving someone who abused us.  Well, I don't know about you, but my ex didn't start out abusing me.  She started out telling me I was the greatest man she'd ever met, offering amazing sex and then began the next two months elaborating on every good and wonderful thing about me.  So yeah, it's pretty easy to get attached to a person that love bombs.

[Meili]

Oh, my x started out that way too! In fact, each time I hear from her now she acts that way at first still. It doesn't last long though. In fact, the last thing that I heard from her was semi-loving.

I completely agree that questioning the love is natural when we first separate from our pwBPD. We are questioning everything really. We are looking for something about it that was real.

When I first split from my x, I asked about the love. I wanted to know that she loved me in any real sense to make my suffering the abuse worth it. As you know, Wize, from our prior discussions, there is still a part of me that believes that to be true.

As long as I stay in that mindset though, I'm giving her control over me. I'm allowing the abuse to continue. Clearly, she doesn't love me as much as she professed, so why should I continue to give her control?

To take that control back, I had to be accountable for myself. The only way to do that was to look at my own actions.

[seenr]

I really like what Meili is saying.

Basically asking us to explore our role. I have spent years trying to understand my ex, going back over and over. But what is it about me that tolerates that behavior? My sister has asked me 'do you like drama?' I don't. I have been asked 'are you a sadist?' I'm not. So why keep trying to fix a relationship that wasn't nor has never worked?

I think if a lot of us focus on that then we can maybe find healing faster?

To take that control back, I had to be accountable for myself. The only way to do that was to look at my own actions.

[Skyglass]

I totally understand where you are coming from when saying you feel you are seen now as the obsessed one and your exw/BPD is seen as having it all together right now. I have been feeling the same way after being cut off completely. The NC is hard. Reading all the posts on here has me beginning to understand that we NPs have to throw all rational thoughts out the window when wondering how the pwBPD is thinking/feeling/acting. There is no real logic to pull from as there would have been had we been involved in a "healthy" relationship. Also, NC comes from a place of taking your power back. Ultimately, you choosing not to contact them (even though they are not contacting you and was the one to cut it off) gives you the personal empowerment that will inevitably set you free.